Who am I?
Well I am Dawn, But who is Dawn?
You see Dawn is several people all rolled into one.
Dawn has a muddled head, with muddled thoughts and feelings,
feelings that fill her with dread, powerful feelings of anger and hurt.
Worthless feelings surrounded by low self esteem and a negative view of one self.
All these feelings and all these 'people' fight within Dawn's head.
Dawn is a child lost.
- somewhere inside of Dawn is a child, hiding, curled up tight in a timid ball trying to protect herself from all that she feels.
The child can't be reached, however much i try, i can't find her, i can feel her but i can't find her.
The child needs me, i need her, but she is so far away, longing to be nurtured and cared for, longing to have and feel love.
But the child is scared, scared to reach for love, scared to free her feelings.
Dawn is a nobody.
- A person that lacks direction, that feels such lonleness.
Dawn feels that she doesn't belong, she doesn't fit into life anymore.
Dawn is searching for a space to fit in, but she can't see it, its a big void right now.
There seems no room for accomodation, no flexibility to fit into the life of her family and friends.
To be accepted Dawn should appear normal, but Dawn feels anything but normal now.
Dawn is the adult
- Dawn as the adult is controlling, needing to keep control of the other Dawn's, needing to keep a lid on the emotions, needing to appear normal and okay.
Dawn the adult avoids how the child feels, dawn the adult doesn't know how to reach the child or what would happen when she reached the child.
Dawn the adult is broken, living under many different masks that never reflect her inner feelings.
Dawn the adult needs to be loved, needs a purpose in life.
Dawn the adult is sad, lonely and lost.
Lost in an existence called life, is what i am,
existing is all i do.
I lost my way
Where are the direction markers? - there covered OH MY GOD there gone!
I have lost my way
Shout, who hears me, anyone?
"where am i?" "how did i get here?" "what am i doing?"
I lost my way
"keep searching", "keep looking" i hear a tiny voice say.
searching, looking, - nothing.....
a mass of darkness, thorny branches, echoing places - no directions.
I lost my way
sit, sit and think....
"what to do" "where to go"... nothing...
get angry, why? anger free's it, anger is a focus...
focus on the anger, ignore the fact that your lost.
Anger - hurt yourself, must be punished, punish, punish, punish.
control it, keep control.
Your lost, but your in control.
Lost and not in control, lost and scared is what i am...
still looking, no direction.. no one knows the way
Frightened, scared, confused and hurting, this little child is locked in time
Locked in a time that has long stood still, time has forgotten her.
For the child time stood still, froze in a mass of ignorance and hurt.
The clock that ticked stopped,
the existence of happiness and innocence froze, as time stood still.
The clock now has a quiet tick, one that hasn't been heard for a long time, but time no longer stands still for the child.
The silent tick, an awareness of life.
A 'tick' that is not listened to, a 'tick' that is ignored....
but listen, listen closely, listen hard and you hear it, you hear the tick, time no longer stands still.
the child awakens, she is confused, locked away in a dark place, but where is this dark place?. It doesn't look familiar, it feels safe, but it's not comfortable anymore.
The child needs to be found, but where is she? how can we reach her
Before i felt i was:
A confident spirit,
A happy presence,
A stable and secure individual
then i learnt to feel
and feeling is bad, so bad, so raw
feeling makes me listen
feeling is scary.
wanting to go back, but where is back?
Thet confident spirit - GONE
the happy presence- GONE
the stable and secure individual - GONE
there is no backwards, only forwards
Forawrds is scary,
forwards is uncertain
forwards means feeling
forwards means listening to my feelings
forwards means understanding and validating the feelings
but no choice,
forwards or limbo
two undesirable options,
living in limbo is no fun, still unclear and no belonging
so forwards it is.
The scary and uncertain journey i must walk,
but learn to listen, i have
listen to my feelings, i will
rest when needed i will.
Break free?.... one day, one day soon