Well I just turned 16 last week...things have gotten so much better for me over the last year...Because I had a lot happen to me growing up. Some things still do happen on occasion, but none of them can ever keep me down again. I won't let that happen, I'm too strong for that. I've been through too much to give up. Maybe my stories aren't as bad as some people's ordeals, but none the less i had a lot of bad shit happen, I've felt a lot of things, seen a lot of things.
Okay, here's the starter. I was 9...he was 13ish. There's where my anxiety problems started I think .because we had the same first cousins. He was living with them next door. And he made me feel so bad about myself, he'd have other kids making jokes on me...I wanted them to like me though, so i think that's where i turned into a people pleaser. I tried to go with his ideas and everything... I remember liking him so much...but he wouldn't stop touching me all the time. I'd run, he'd chase me and pull my pants down, call me a stupid little bitch, not that he was ever overly violent, he got what he wanted though. He wouldn't stop until he did. He would never stop. He'd just laugh at me...He'd trip me and pull my pants down, when I'd run he'd grab at me...he always was trying to kiss me...i was like eew, you're sick...i still remember his smile...sick....I remember seeing him and hiding...it was pure fear.
He raped me when i was 10..i fealt so dirty. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, so I buried those feelings...those feelings grew on each other. i didn't even know where they were coming from or why. I tried to commit suicide that year though I was only 10 and I wanted to die already.
When I was 11, I was visiting my dad's family out of state, which is where i moved last year...but my cousins, they had this friend who was 19..he kept saying he knew I liked him and that he liked me. Then he molested me... he started kissing me and he got on top of me...he kept asking why i wouldn't have sex with him. I was too scared to. Fuck that though, he's sick...he was all old. Damn, I was only a little girl..Then I guess I thought that meant guys liked me because I remember the first guy telling me he loved me when he'd do things to me...so I let a guy fuck me. He was 14. That's the first mistake I made out of many.
I was so lonely, I just wanted someone to love me, care about me. I didn't talk to anyone in my family they didn't KNOW how to talk to me understand me even not that they didn't love me, it just must not have ever showed. My mom for instance she always acted like she wanted to know everything, but she never wanted to listen.
When i was 12..there was a 16 year old ..Jeses was his name a 14 year old not too long after....2 guys who were 15...I didn't go all the way with those two though, they just touched me, under my pants and everything...i just didn't know how to say no. too scared. Then dawn...he was the main one - he always treated me respectful, but he was 15 at the time I was 12. how the fuck I got myself into these predicaments I don't know...but these 3 guys all kept trying to mess with me...i wouldn't let them, but they kept up. So it happened. No sex though. Those were my own mistakes, but they did take advantage of me looking back.
I remember when i was 12...the same time frame as dawn...I went with this guy who was 13...I don't remember doing anything with him, but he swears up and down we did...he was so mean to me, he used to hit me...not really beating my ass, he was just manipulative. So I broke up with him. What he explained sounds familiar, but I know I didn't do it willingly if it happened.
So many stories, .this isn't even the start...I'll keep going though. Everything stopped for about a year...then I turned 14. I fell for a female, laugh if you want...but I really cared for that girl. she was 17, go figure, but we lasted for a year till I moved here....i was all faithful at first, then the hickies showed up on her neck from her ex. You remember me talking about how lonely i was all the time? She just said a shallow ass sorry and left me standing there. I was feeling all abandoned...I wanted to cry but i couldn't...so I left we were at school...i went to see if any of my friends were at a restaurant down the street...Mike was there. he's 22..he kept
trying to say we should fuck before this...but i wouldn't cuz i had a girl. I don't remember what we said, but it happened...this was like 15 minutes later...then I was laying there in the dark thinking to myself..I started regretting what i was doing, rethinking it all...all of a sudden I hated being there. So I started telling him to stop, get up, asked if he was done yet, I kept saying these things, he could hear the annoyance in my voice pleading but he told me in a sweet voice to just wait till he nutted and he sped up. Yeah that was fucked up...I just layed there, there was nothing i could do.
Something I skipped...when I was 13 I had the best friend I'll probably ever have. We knew each other since we were babies. Her dad started molesting me when I was 12...it only happened when I was asleep. He'd leave when i woke up...but it was just the way he was...the looks. He said he loved me too and what's sad is I believe him. He wasn't even trying to hurt me, he was just so sick...he did hurt me though. That hurt so bad. Flashback again. I was 13; I was bulimic so my mom sent me to a psychologist. I fucked up and told him about it and it got reported. The one real person who was ever there for me was gone - .my friend tiffany. So i started burning myself that night and i did every day for a few months...I started crying myself to sleep every night, my bulimia was even worse. I didn't think i would ever forgive myself for that, I just wanted to die again...it was like everything was gone. I was 13 and a half at the time. I remember begging for him not to report it, but i knew it was no use. Then that night me and my mom got into a fight because she was reading my diary...it ended up with me pinned on the couch with my hands over my head crying. She just mocked me. She was fucked up sometimes...because she started saying the reason she couldn't trust me is because i just LET Jeff and phillop mess with me. I was only a little girl though, ages 9-13...and she should understand because her uncle did the same things to her when she was even younger.
Back to mike, the 22 year old...he's one of the last reasons I burned myself. I was 14 at the time. He's the one who wouldn't stop. A few weeks later, i got locked out of my house, so I went to my mom's friend's house down the street. She wasn't there but her 25 year old son was. He started asking where my man was. I told him I had a girl. I don't know if anything happened at that time, but this was the start of a fucked up so called "consensual" relationship...He was usually good to me, but he had a sadistic side to him as well...say for instance we were having sex, he would put me in a funky ass position sometimes and i knew he wouldn't stop, so i knew it was no use saying anything...at least he wasn't making me against my will right? I remember the first few times it happened though, I hated it. I don't know why i let it keep happening...after a while though i thought i needed him for some reason...i know he molested his little brother though. Sick sick sick, and there's little things like say we were sitting on the couch he would dig his elbow into my leg as hard as he could and just stay like that and laugh at me. Little bastard. And every time i was there he would touch me at least...when his mom would look the other way .whenever and i didn't even care what the fuck was wrong with me?
i loved my dad so much when i was little. i wouldn't fall asleep unless i was in his lap. Then when I was about 4, my mom left him...left the state...and at age 14, we still had that bond, he just wasn't in the picture, only for short visits so maybe i just needed a male there. I guess that could be the reason I let some of them stay around...I was craving for some attention...sad but true. My dad is kewl as hell though...since I got up here I stopped messing around too - go figure that one.
Some of this is my fault, but I forgive myself, because I was ignorant, naive...if those are the right words...no they're not, I was broken. How I thought the thing that broke me would help me, I don't know...sex I mean...not that all of it was sex, because rape is not sex at all.
Next there came violet. I was still 14, she was 20 we rode the same bus everyday...she was a dyke, because she went out with my girlfriend once before I did. She was cool to talk to though, chill with...the first time she came to my house (I fucked up here, I know) my shirt came off, that was it....I felt dirty, but I pushed it away...then one time me and my friend went to her house...I took my friend because I didn't trust violet. We were so drunk though. I've never been that drunk no matter how much I drink ever. Because I blacked out for a good couple of hours, I remember trying to move my legs and I couldn't...she was manipulative, all the time...bitch.
But anywayz, I was drinking str8 shots of vodka with no chaser. I drank most of that bottle...but she asked my friend to go to the store for her. I tried to get up but I couldn't...I don't remember exactly how it happened...mainly the reason why she's fucked up is how she was about it. It's not so much that it happened...even though i regretted it, would have never done it sober..but the way she did it...she was not exactly violent...it was just like she was trying to over-power my body...she made me sore for almost a week, no details...it's sick cuz she tried to be sweet to a point...I couldn't get those pictures out of my head for a long time and I'm going to hate it when they come back if they do...Just the way she was her intentions. But a few hours later we had to go...they put me on a bus, we walked 6 blocks to get there and i don't remember it. I remember the second bus though...I passed out on her and she said something about I had a hickey in front of everybody, i was like you fucking bitch, she
laughed and said "you don't remember telling me I could?" or something, then some girl must have called her fucked up or something because she said it's not rape if there's no proof of penetration...why would you even say that? Bitch...then she called to make sure I wasn't "mad"..what the fuck? Dumb bitch, she knows she did wrong by me. This was about two weeks before I turned 15...and I turned 16 last week, so this was a year ago.
The 25 year old was still happening...I slept with one other guy who was 16 right after I turned 15 once...even after all this happened, why I did it I don't know. Even he was forceful, or tried to be. I was sober though and I was like what the fuck I'm letting you. I was bulimic for two years. I wanted to move up here to my dad's side of the family for so long for so bad...finally it happened last summer - the summer of '03..that 25, now 26 year old fucked with my head so bad in the month before i left...he always said he was going to get with my mom, he'd make jokes. I think he molests his little brother though, on an honest level, b/c incest came up, and
he looked at his brother and goes "you like it though" or some shit. He was always so mean to that boy. But back to him and my mom...he's so womanizing...how I don't know, but he has some kind of fake charm that works. anywayz, he kept making it a point to talk to my mom... he fucked with my head so bad.
Then I moved. i felt so free. I had a lot of issues still though. I moved in with my aunt. while my tribe was in Michigan (we came from Kansas for a gathering; the tribe bussed 5 busses up there) though like two days before I moved here, I got drunk and slept with a 23 year old. He
didn't make me do anything though. I was so happy to be here though. I still am. I quit being
bulimic. Haven't hurt myself even once. I moved in with my aunt at first and I trusted that bitch. She broke it. but that's another story...I moved in with my grandma and my dad...in November my step-cousin who was 19 started feeling on me in my sleep under my pants, then I was drunk about a month ago and fucked him. I didn't like him when he did the first thing he did so why I let that happen is stupid, but that's a shallow story..there's a lot more to it...I could have stopped the first thing, but I didn't..that made me feel fucked up. I quit messing around though for like 7 months...he's the only one since Iâ€™ve been here. I can say no now. I respect my body more than I ever did...I just went somewhere else...some of them really are my fault but as far as I'm concerned they are just symptoms of some of the shit I had to go through...
One problem i have is guys my age seem like they are way too young for me when i try to look at them in that way...it sucks... It was so hard, I'm still strong though, stronger than I ever knew I could be...more than i ever knew, because it didn't break me...maybe for a minute,
but I'm still here, still standing...Life is so good, you just have to look. I still feel tainted sometimes, that's a given, but I forgive myself. You have to. Forgiveness is how you truly heal. Not even from the fact of the rape (s), but you have to forgive yourself from whatever it is you think you did. They made their own decisions. It would be a lonely world if we didn't trust anybody and if you knew who they were beforehand, the problem wouldn't exist...and it affects you so much. In your relationships with other people...with yourself...the way you view yourself and the world. It makes everything look distorted because it breaks your trust in people.. you know?...But like I said, that's the one true way to heal, just forgive ourselfs...because life is too short to dwell in everything. Finally I started letting all of this go, and I feel soo much better...They can't control me...I took my life back...a few words of advice; don't deny what happened, take it and own it. They will never see it coming.