First, let me just say that what I am about to talk about has taken me almost 20 years to get to this point. I am not certain that it fits the definition of Rape, but i do know that what happened to me was not solicited or desired by me in any manner what so ever, in fact, it has made me ashamed of myself and the incident since that horrible night in May 1988. I am a career Navy man with almost 21 years of Active and continuous service. I am happily married, to my wonderful wife of 15 years, and we have 6 of the greatest children a person could ever ask for. The reason I have decided to write this is because recently I have decided to become a SAVI (Sexual Assault Victim Intervention) Advocate for the Navy, and during my training alot of thoughts of what happened to me came up in my head, today....and I think before I am able to help others heal, I should at least start the healing process within myself.
Now about the night in May 1988, My supervisor, who I will just call Eli (even though I still remember every last detail of that SOB's face, I know his full name, I can take you to the house where it happened, and for some strange reason, I can even smell the scent that he had that night), His name really is not important, it is what that SOB did to me. Eli, was my boss, I trusted him, I worked for him day in and day out. i stood watches with him while we were at sea. We laughed, told jokes and sea stories, he even helped me study for advancement exams so that I would get promoted as fast as possible. This one particular night, Eli invited Me and my buddy Tom over to his house for dinner and a few brews. Since Tom and I were both under 21, and would have gotten in trouble for underage drinking if we had returned to the ship intoxicated, Eli told us that we could just camp out on his couch for the night. Eli's wife cooked a great dinner, much better than what i was accustomed to eating on the ships mess decks. After dinner we all went into the living room and watched a few movies, and drank several beers. Around 1030pm or so Eli's wife went to bed for the night. Eli, then broke out some pornography videos, and the 3 of us guys sat there and watched them, and kinda made jokes about them, laughing hysterically at the poor attempt at a plot that they had. As any normal red blooded American 19 year old boy, I would be lying if I said that I was not somewhat aroused by what I saw on the videos, but I did my best not to let on how they made me feel. Well, after watching a couple of these video's and drinking a few more beers, Eli said that either Tom or I could have the spare Bedroom, and the other could sleep there on the sofa. I told Tom to take the bed, I was plenty fine on the couch, after all, anything was better than sleeping on the ship. Everyone went off to bed. At some point during the night, I woke up, and there was Eli performing oral sex on me. I was terrified, i tried to pretend like I was still asleep, because I didn't know what else to do. I had an erection, I laid there thinking in Horror, that I must be gay, why else would my body be responding that way. At one point, i think Eli realized that I was awake, because i heard him say "none of those girls in that video could have sucked you like this." I laid there thinking, i just want this to be over, and morning to come so I can get outta here. He began trying to stick his finger in my Anus, and I clenched up and resisted that, but he continued to perform oral sex until I ejaculated, then he left. I felt so ashamed, and confused, why had this man that I trusted and respected violated me this way? I could not stop thinking how terrible and scared I felt. To this day, I have never spoken of this, although I think about it often, I feel as if I have kept a dark secret from my wife but have been scared at how she would react to it. or what she might think. Why didn't I stop him, Why didn't I try to resist it. the honest answer was I didn't know what to do, except just lay there, and let it get over with and move on. Little did I know that the details of that night would linger with me for so long....I just want it all to go away. I have moved on with my life from all outward appearances, I am successful in my career, I have a great family, a wife and children who adore me, but i continue to live with a secret that has eaten me up from the inside out. I really want to move on, but I don't know how. If you could post this story to your site so that another might read it and know that they are not alone, if this has happened to them. hopefully it might help some body.
Thank you for listening,