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Sharing not comparing


Louise

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After reading so many incidents, some horrified me, made me cry, made me mad, etc. I started to feel that what I experienced wasn't so bad. I really needed to hear this. Thanks for all you do here on this site. This site has helped me trememdously.

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  • 4 months later...

I've done this too.

Maybe it's one of those things that is easier to believe, it wasn't that horrible. Like it wasn't real rape, it was my fault, and he didn't know what he was doing.

I remember my first rationalization, "it wasn't a classic rape case".

I told that to my friends - they said "it never is".

15 years later, here, one of my earliest posts was in Grey Rape, that's still how I saw it.

It was like IPSA exept we didn't live together, just in seperate dorms on a college campus. My first post to that forum began "I don't know of this counts".

The only episode of SVU that really triggered me was Olivia sitting in the couselors office saying "I feel like I don't deserve to be here". I could absolutely relate to that. It's how I felt when I called the rape crisis center.

I couldn't tell my story out loud, I still can't. It took three meetings but I worked up the nerve to give her the story I posted here.

She read it before my next meeting and I asked, is that rape.

I think it is the first time I could really accept the YES.

After all, mine wasn't that bad.

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  • 4 weeks later...

This is such a powerful post and I love and relate to EVERYTHING you all said. I agree; pain is pain! If I get a paper cut and cry it may look like it's small but it still hurts. I heard that simple analogy somewhere and it made sense. I wonder if these thoughts are how we have been conditioned to think; from the outside world, as well as our perpetrators. Mine used to tell me this was for MY own good. We are groomed to think like this and I still do all the time. The comment I grew up with, "Think of all the starving people in China." A comment like that can really make us feel unworthy of our own pain. I was abused as a young pre-teen as well as raped twice as an adult. When I look at my situation I can think what happened to me as a kid was horrible; but somehow being raped as an adult was my fault and not that bad. Someone told me that it is known that survivors of child abuse are more often victims of rape and crimes as adults. I'm not sure I understand that. Any thoughts? Gee, now I feel like I'm rambling too. I guess I should say that I loved all your posts. As I read each post I cried for each one of you; because you are all coming from a place of pain and want to heal. Sometimes I don't post because I don't know what to say or think my posts sound stupid. I have a couple of degrees and everything; but feel like an idiot. I just want to give everyone here a big hug. Because we are in this together! No matter what; because we hurt.

Thanks for listening to me.

Pinkshell

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  • 6 years later...

Hello reader, I am having an hugh problem and need advise. Please help... 

I have a 6 year old daughter. She has been doing odd things, well things I find odd. The 3 things are described in this paragraph. #1)For months now she has been taking the clothes off her Barbie dolls. I would repeatedly ask her not to do that but she continued to undress them. I decided to google it to see if I was overreacting. Seems I may have been due to threads of other parents stating its normal. #2)Just last friday I was looking at her gallary on her tablet. I found a recording of her rubbing on herself and taking her clothes off. She then started to pertain to hump something while talking(couldn't completely understand what she was saying) she did that for a while then made a sound like orgasm. Then she fell over and laid down for a few seconds and then put back on her clothes. I was stunned. I asked her about the video and she beings to cry claiming she doesn't know shes just like that. So contacted her doctor that night and on monday I plan to have her evaluated. #3) Okay so today I walk into her room and she had ken and barbie in bed with ken on top. The dolls were fully clothed. I asked her why is her dolls like this and she starts to cry saying ken trying to get the good things out of barbie. I asked, what are the good things? She said a glow stick. I asked, why would he have to be on top? Her response, how else do you get it out? I asked her, has anyone do this to you? She said no. I asked has she seen this before she says she can't remember. 

My issue is I do not know if I am overreacting or is she showing signs of being molested. For 3 months she has been only around me mainly. I am single and not dating (we live alone). We don't have cable but we do watch movies sometimes. Before summer vacation the following people kept her: school, my dad, her aunt(16years old and her boyfriend stays at her house), her grandmother and her great grandmother, her dad. 

The thought of my baby being used or exposed to sex is so upsetting. I just lay in my room and cry. I'm her mother, her only parent and as her parent my main job was to protect her and I feel like I failed her. I need to know the truth but she doesn't trust me, even after I told her if it did happen its not her fault. 

Your personal opinion am I overreacting or are these signs?

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From what you've posted, Kia, I would definitely have her checked out.  The first thing you stated seems pretty benign, but the others seem, to me, to be symptoms of being sexualized very early in life.  I'm not a doctor, though, so my advice would be to seek out a doctor's advice.  I think, sometimes, it's better to overreact than let things fester.  I am also incredibly glad for this thread, though I noticed most posts are years old.  I still want to put my two cents in.  My abusers were younger than myself and my " best friends ".  I've gotten various minimizing responses to what happened to me:. From my mom, who asked me why I " kept going back ", from websites that basically say children are incapable of sexually abusing others ESPECIALLY if they are younger, by society saying what happened to me was simply " child's play "or " experimentation ".  But, then, I have also had therapists, victims advocates, and police officers assure me that what I experienced was abusive.  Almost everyone I tell my story to is shocked nod horrified that I made it through.  I even brought up the notion that I felt I could be resented by those who " had it worse ".  When I mentioned this, a lot of those on this forum said my experience was actually their worst nightmare.  That put it in perspective.  I still tend to compare.  There are sometimes imaginary hierarchies of pain by some who haven't processed their anger, but my therapist, who specializes in trauma, says that trauma cannot be measured and I generally believe him.  No one gets a trophy for getting " first place " in pain.  I think we ALL deserve trophies.  I still tend to vacillate between minimizing and being paralyzed by my trauma.  I think that's a normal coping mechanism to outlandish abuse.  My therapist says I've been thru " pretty severe trauma ", so it makes sense I would struggle to function.  Here's my validation for all of you on here.  Your pain is worthy of attacking and processing and healing.❤️

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Thank you for this post. 

It makes me very emotional to read this as I have tried to block my emotions. I've recently sought counselling in an attempt to start my healing process, after huge anxiety, not eating, sleeping etc. 

I've had a few sessions now.

During the first session I said 'I'm here because I just want to deal with it and move on' (what an understatement). I seriously did not think that the healing process would be as overwhelming, consuming, isolating, emotional and bloody hard roller coaster to ride. 

Thank you for sharing because I feel everything I'm feeling and going through is what it should be. I'm beginning to realise that I can't rush the healing process which is what I've been trying to do..... even though I'm really at the beginning of mine. 

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Hi Lil_7,

It may not seem like it but you've taken a huge leap forward in healing from sexual violence by taking the initial steps into therapy. I've found it to be all you mentioned and more. I want you to know it won't always feel this bad or overwhelming. Healing takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different because we've experienced different events and we are unique individuals. I still get tired at times from nightmares or triggers but have learned to cope. Most days are fairly normal. For a long time I didn't think that would be possible! This article helped me so much. Be gentle with your pain. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

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LionheartedAndrew

I am horribly guilty of compare and minimize of my own trauma. Not so much on Pandy's. Though I struggle constantly to stay within the guidelines sometimes I trip and fall right over those same "lines". 

I know I wouldn't be here if not for Pandy's. But when I first came I only had the memory of a 2X sa by a male predator.  I had no clue what I was feeling other than sui, which has been a constant companion since the early 1990s. And I did feel so unworthy to be here.

Funny thing now I struggle with the opposite issue being having so much abuse widely varied through out my whole life, and feeling like I don't fit anywhere. 

With help of my wonderful Pandy Family, I work diligently to remind myself that I do belong here and I do matter. 

One thing I'd like to point out, for those that question if ..... the fact you are questioning already means it wasn't okay. If it truly was okay, you wouldn't be questioning. Be gentle with yourselves.

:metoyou::bouquet:

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Robbed girl

I am 15 and I was sexually raped by my oldest brother from ages 6-14... I tried to tell my mom when I was 8 she didn't believe me so it kept happening over and over again... She knows now but only bc my it happened to my little sister too and she was cutting because of it... I feel like my coping mechanism with it is to forget about it... My sister hates me bc I act like.it doesn't bother me... He only touched her... He took my virginity from me something that.i was supposed to one day give to my husband. Stolen. I feel robbed.. I act like it doesn't hurt me but really I'm dying on.the inside I've been dead since I was 6...

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  • 2 months later...

Hi. I am glad for everyone who can share their story or experiences on here. I wish everyone luck with their healing journey. I can relate to those that have ever questioned if their hurts and pains were enough to be able to share here. I have done this too. I feel empathy for other's hurt but have a hard time being empathetic to myself. I have just started to try and stop compairing myself to others.

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  • 7 months later...
Guest Lea92

This thread is helpful to me.  I came on here feeling as if others would have more recent or severe experiences and that I shouldn't really complain or that I should "get over it" .  I was happy to find it is such a welcoming place that validates all people who come to share their stories.   It is too bad how we feel that our pain or story is not as bad as someone else or that our story is not worthy of telling because others have it worse.  We all have stories to tell and our own personal battles and experience that we have learned from or have learned to cope and heal from.  I went through a similar feeling when my youngest son was born with a severe heart condition.  I met many parents who had very sad stories and I often felt reluctant to seek support and tell my story because I didn't think it was as bad.  We can all learn from and support each other no matter what the story.  

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  • 3 years later...

   I was told sometimes because it was “just” an assault  and over clothes n there was no penetration then I should feel “lucky”. However, it was awful and frightening it lasted a long time and it was pretty aggressive. There was…thrusting…on a different area. They don’t know what happened. So I’m tired of feeling like it wasn’t “bad enough”. I am glad it wasn’t something else, but this happening when I couldn’t move and you’re terrified and humiliated is a horrible experience. I sometimes do feel down on myself like people have it worse, but I have pretty bad ptsd from it. 

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Every assault is horrific and you are correct that comparisons do not give any of us any favors.  You might consider a free account where you can receive the support you deserve about the assault.

Gentle care to you,

Patricia

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 But he specifically went through my shorts and got on me and you know…to find where another intimate part was. And thrusted….aggressively and rubbed on it until he made my body react and finished….it wasn’t just touching.  And he knew I didn't even want him grinding on me… I don’t want to call it that because that sounds sexual. It was NOT sexual it was violent. I was terrified. Sexual assault usually means any touching. This was not just that. 

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  That is STILL a part of my vagina. How is that not penetration? I’m tired of being told I’m not allowed to feel like it was close to rape. So wtf is it then? Aggressively thrusting on a girls intimate parts and leaning on her completely to reach a certain part until her body finishes and the finishing after to that response? I didn’t have any other sexual experience ever. After I didn’t even want him on me in the first place or slightly doing that. Yes it was over clothes but it’s like…it’s like he did it over clothes on purpose but he was still very rough n it lasted too long n was done so aggressively I left my body and I was emotionally numb the entire time. Pretty much any touching is in the category of assault and so people often assume it was just touching and I’m tired of it. Penetration means “force your way into” and he forced his way through my shorts to find that spot. How come other people get to decide which part of my vagina is sexually vs. not sexually violated? What if I was terrified? Is doing that until he finishes not that? In different states apparently.

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On 11/4/2021 at 5:05 PM, Patricia said:

Every assault is horrific and you are correct that comparisons do not give any of us any favors.  You might consider a free account where you can receive the support you deserve about the assault.

Gentle care to you,

Patricia

Thank you. I don’t think I will receive it because people don’t take it seriously at all.

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41 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

I don’t think I will receive it because people don’t take it seriously at all.

You would receive support here, and would be welcome to join Pandys. We dont define another persons experience. What matters is how you experienced this, how you have been affected. 
How we as individuals experience assault is as individual as there are people, and that it totally different from how the law perceives it. 

Here is a link to where you can join https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?/register/

Sending care,

Jenny

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2 hours ago, Jenny said:

You would receive support here, and would be welcome to join Pandys. We dont define another persons experience. What matters is how you experienced this, how you have been affected. 
How we as individuals experience assault is as individual as there are people, and that it totally different from how the law perceives it. 

Here is a link to where you can join https://pandys.org/forums/index.php?/register/

Sending care,

Jenny

  Exactly that’s all I’m saying, but I realized now it doesn’t matter my feelings are still valid and they matter. Thank you so much. I will.  :)

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  • 7 months later...
Guest user278

  Apparently it’s called relationship sexual abuse or intimate partner violence. I was just trying to find a word because it was abusive and I couldn’t figure out what to call it. I have a hard time admitting that. When someone said that I felt like I was going to be sick it’s so disgusting. 

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