How do you cope?


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Guest DeadGirlWalking

I seem to spend days wanting  to die, not a viable option now. .too many responsibilities... I think.. what is that cockroach doing? Eating dinner with his friends. Negotiating a contract. Driving around. I heard his mom is visiting him. He is Free. Free. Free. No recourse for him. No repercussions. No physical damages. No. Those are all for me. I wonder.. awfully wonder.. does he think of me? of what he did? Nope. I know he does not. He has moved on and there will be new me's. New vics. Lives desimated. With STD. Damaged vocal box. Never to sing again :( and he goes skipping away. I think of why? Like WTF? And I know his whys. The abused childhood he had and all. But. Ya know that's not good enough. I was abused. Many of us are. And we don't rape. We are not cockroach rapists. Then I think of all the ways he deserves to die. Choking on a penis cause he can't breath cause the blood in his nose. Then I think: f*** him f*** him f*** him.  LOL. Yeah. That's how my days go.  To lighten up I check  locks on the doors and windows. Vomit. Bathe. mmmm..What else? Put on smile face and cook for family and do chores like nothings wrong. And they ask what's wrong. But they don't wanna hear it. So I pretend my hearing is bad. LOL. Yeah.  I rock.

Walks? Exercise? Sure. And I work. And every other thought pulls me away. I see my colleges online and wonder.. has it happened to them?  Would they meet him and find him oh so charming? My short term memory is shot form the strangulation is my understanding. So. Then I get a drink of water and remember how he pretended to be a real person and said he love me. It was an act. I watch videos about narcissist's.  I eat. Pet the cat. And think how in movies there is revenge. I wonder how many others like me are left behind. How many lay ahead. I watch ants on hot concrete.  I let them live. Because they are better than us. They don't rape. People of the rape. That is us.

The next day I start again.

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Patricia

Hey DGW,

I want you to know that I hear you, every single painful word.  I want you to know that there were periods of my life that I lived just like you did with every moment just enough to get me to the next, but I also want to give you some hope that it can get better.  I am one of the voices here to give you that hope and that reassurance that you will not always have to live in this moment of rage, fury, and despair at what you lost and what he has.  These times you are in are real, oh so very vividly real and you bring the emotions back to me in a way that paint a genuine and heart rending word picture that touches my heart for you.  I would encourage you to go ahead and get a free membership account here, they are anonymous, and get some peer support.  You will find we are in all places on our healing journey, and that is encouraging to many of us.  Also, counseling helped me a ton.  You are right, family, work, exercise, the cat (oh yes to the furry buddies), those are all helpers of huge proportions because they help keep us grounded and genuinely do give us reasons to keep on living.  Having good tethers to this world have kept me from taking a ticket to the next, and i am being blunt and honest here  

You can get your account set up HERE.  It is a two part registration process.  You set up your account and then you will receive a validation email that comes back to you.  Make sure you check your spam folder for something from Pandora's Aquarium so you can say your email address is a "real" email address.  One of the Board Moderator's has to validate your account, and then you will be able to log in.  We are located across multiple time zones in different countries, but it rarely takes more than 24 hours.  We are all volunteers.

Sending you hugs and care

Patricia

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Guest Julie21

 

I struggle with anger, guilt, lack of trust, overthonking everything

Those would be my negatives, my positives are my friends and my children and grandchildren 

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Guest Guest4hope

I’m feeling hopeless that this ever truly gets better. Alone, tired. No one seems to understand. I’m tired of trying to make them understand. I’m angry. He gets to go on. I get to deal with this day in and day out. I have to. I have responsibilities. I have no choice but to keep on in misery. I get to go on as a headcase. He gets to go on like nothing happened. I get to sit in a pile of pieces trying to figure out how to put myself back together again into something that resembles normal, something that makes sense. I don’t know how to do this. 

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10 hours ago, Guest Guest4hope said:

I’m feeling hopeless that this ever truly gets better. Alone, tired. No one seems to understand. I’m tired of trying to make them understand. I’m angry. He gets to go on. I get to deal with this day in and day out. I have to. I have responsibilities. I have no choice but to keep on in misery. I get to go on as a headcase. He gets to go on like nothing happened. I get to sit in a pile of pieces trying to figure out how to put myself back together again into something that resembles normal, something that makes sense. I don’t know how to do this. 

I understand this feeling all too well, guest4hope. It doesn't seem fair. I've decided to find my "survivor superpowers" to  become stronger than I ever was. Stronger than him. It helps me heal and get through it. You may be able to find a similar way to cope. :metoyou:

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