Who Deserves to Be Here?


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9 hours ago, Guest Hope said:

I have been through a horrible experience I pretend alot and I'm sorry for anyone that goes through any hard time

I'm sorry you have been through a horrible experience. You deserve support and care like anyone else going through a hard time. 

:metoyou:

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest SuzanneInPlainSight

Do I have a place here if I have DID and want to feel less alone in being covert and in a public posistion and business owner. 

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You have a place here - and are welcome. You are not alone.

Jenny

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You definitely have a place here. Suzanne  Welcome.

  i understand the need to be cautious in the business world and in public. I think it is very smart of you. 

You don't have to worry about that here. There are many of us here with DID. And many of us are very high functioning in the world. (for lack of a better word) 

You are not alone.:cuppa:

Edited by Liz
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  • 1 month later...
Guest you’re amazing
On 1/8/2021 at 7:48 AM, Hope said:

I'm sorry you have been through a horrible experience. You deserve support and care like anyone else going through a hard time. 

:metoyou:

Everyone’s so nice here!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest RecoveringAdult

Forty years ago, I was taken advantage of by an older female family member. She surprised me after I had taken a shower, and climbed on top of me in my bedroom.

For the longest time, I have felt guilty about not stopping her, and about getting an erection while she was on top of me. 

Afterwards, she told me "Women don't rape men. No-one will believe you."

I respected and loved her, but cannot believe what she did to me.

How do I move forward from this?

B.

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GuestRecoveringAdult, while the legal definition of rape may/may not apply - depending on where you are in the world - there is no doubt in my mind that women can and do rape. They can rape other females (as I know from my own experience), males, or any gender. What I also know is that you can move forwards. Letting go of those guilty feelings, and acknowledging that what she did was wrong and completely on her, not you, could be a major step forwards - not necessarily an easy one.

You may want to join us as a full member - you would not be alone as a male survivor here.

In care,

Jenny

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Bobbie76

Who deserves to be here.... Question really caught my eye. I'm not sure where I should be. The last few years I've had flashbacks that have really rocked me. The sense of fear the memories of pain and confusion are to overwhelming to ignore. I don't understand how I could have locked these memories away so deep and so long, but my question of where do I belong arises from all of my online looking for support I can never find anything on children abusing other children. I know we were all kids me being the youngest. I know I looked for acceptance and and even Idolized a few of the "attacker's " (for lack of another word) what I am remembering goes way beyond kids being kids or kids being curious. These memories explain a lot of my anxiety that I have around day to day things that I shouldn't have anxiety about.  I haven't spoken to another about my memories 😪. I can't wrap my head around children doing these things to other children. 

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Bobbie76, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, child on child abuse does happen. If you'd like to sign up for membership here, you might find the support you need and deserve for the awful experiences you had. 

Here in support. :metoyou:.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest SH2908

Do I belong here if i cant even make sense of my own story? Was i trafficked or did I "run away" at 22?

My therapist says I'm a black and white thinker and that is so true. I have two completely different versions of my story that I tell myself. One of them I have no fault in the matter. Bipolar episode led me to run from any sense of normalcy that i knew and hit the road where i was sex trafficked and lived my life on the streets because of the men i met and the men they introduced me to. Coresion, threat, and survival mode. Not my fault.

Maybe this is the case, some say it is. They blame bipolar for my leaving without saying goodbye because the other alternative is too painful.

The other story i tell myself makes me the bad guy i assume but put me in control of the events that happened after i left my car downtown, not lost it, and left my phone with a stranger to charge and left without them stealing it, and dropped my wallet in the garbage because i was choosing to leave my old life behind instead of out of fear of some delusion or another.

All of my so called delusions were just that and were motivated by bipolar. I know that. But i also see the stark comparrison between the content and my just under the surface thinking. I was 22 not 15 but i was still running from the abuse of the past and the silence of those involved.

The energy and drive that mania gave me was enough to fuel me away from the life i wanted to leave anyway. It circumpased the guilt and let me do what i needed to do.  This version of the story means that the selling of sex for survival was just that and not sex trafficking. I never set the terms myself but i always did what i needed to do and that to me is strength, determination, and the truth of me more than anything else.

The two versions of the story have two very different meanings to me and especially to the people i know who love me, a realization made even more clear from my time as a missing person and my "rescue". But i still ask myself now if i was rescued from a rock bottom or if i was one small step away from finding a safe place to think things over and decide if the bext step was truely leaving everything, name included, or going back on my terms.

Its really hard for me to make sense of this past year and my life before then and after without having that story straight in my own head.

I still feel like that little child who was abused and confused about who and what safety and love and truth really are and where they are found. If i decide my truth for myself, in some kind of middle ground, i dont know how to live in that truth around the people i love who have always pushed me into silence.

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Guest SH2908

I noticed there isnt a thread about sex trafficking here. So my question remains, do i belong here? Is my story too tabboo for even a sexual violence support group?

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Shadowsong
3 minutes ago, Guest SH2908 said:

I noticed there isnt a thread about sex trafficking here. So my question remains, do i belong here? Is my story too tabboo for even a sexual violence support group?

Absolutely not. As a guest, you may only be able to see a small part of our forums. In our "Types of Sexual Violence" sub-forum, there are threads for survivors of trafficking to talk about their experiences. I am a moderator here and have experienced sex trafficking. 

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Patricia

We do have a sex trafficking thread and we have threads for those who were workers on the sex industry.  I'm a survivor of sex trafficking and you will find many here who have a difficult past.  Dual diagnosis, sexual trauma and mental health issues are also not unusual, so we also have our mental wellness forum.  Many of these forums aren't readily accessible until people are members.

Please keep working with your therapist, join here, it's free, and know you aren't alone.

Many gentle thoughts,

Patricia

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest bee

This is a question I ask myself a lot. 

One time in high school, I drank too much. I was kissed and touched by a boy who wasn't my boyfriend. I wasn't interested, and I didn't want it. We were dragged away from each other, on the beach at a party. I described later to my boyfriend how disgusted I felt in my own skin. Flashes of black, flashes of the sound of the ocean, and flashes of the moonlit sky. Scraps of what I could remember. I was only fifteen. I drank way too much that night, but he says he did too. My texts to my boyfriend later, who was upset, screenshotted everything I said later and sent it to everyone. Even my personal descriptions of the event felt so violating. The guy from the beach himself sent me back those screenshots, saying I was a horrible person and a bitch for feeling like I was taken advantage of. He was banned by my friends from parties for a year, but all this time later I still wonder if it was all my fault. I didn't want it, but it still feels like all my fault for overdrinking.

----

Later on, many years later, I was sleeping over at my best friend's house. We had just graduated high school. I had only turned 18 one month before. Her brother, who was 25/26, and still lived at home was there. She threw a small party for all our friends, and we drank ourselves silly in celebration. We all gathered to sleep in the movie room. Normally, I'm too polite, but he came in and offered to trade places with one of us. He offered his bed and said he'd sleep on a couch or something. I was drunk and feeling fed up with the movie chairs. I took him up on his offer; he offered, and it was my best friend's brother, so I figured I could get a good night sleep in his bed..... I learned much later that my other best friend told him that it was practically a sin to "let a pretty girl sleep alone." He made his way into the bedroom once I had already gotten settled. 

It was rude of me to take his room. He had obviously offered just to be polite, and I'm awkward and missed an obvious social clue that I wasn't supposed to take him up on it. 

I was trashed. At 18, getting drunk felt like the cool thing to do. With my anxiety, I felt it was the only way I could open up and be the kind of fun person that other people could like. 

I don't remember much of anything. Snippets - but only blurry and incoherent ones. He had always been an odd guy, someone who didn't really fit in. I had never had any attraction to him, and he honestly made me very uncomfortable. I'm naïve, agreeable, a people-pleaser. 

When I woke up, I didn't even really understand where I was. I didn't understand what had happened. I had slept with this man, this way older man. He kissed me again in the morning - I indulged. I seemed to have wanted it the night before, so kissing him now justifies it, right? I wanted to convince myself it was my idea and I was in control. I wanted to be in control. It went further, but I knew it was my fault for my own greed and my own stupidity. I had invited trouble, and the only way I saw to get out of it was to pretend it was no big deal. I thought I was so grown-up. 

By the time I left in the morning, my friends had all left without me. The friend whose house it was just waved vaguely from the kitchen, glaring at me with her mother. Where was she when I was vulnerable? When I was alone? I didn't understand how something that felt so wrong could happen in a house where I felt so safe. 

To protect everyone, especially myself, I never mentioned how uncomfortable I was. How drunk I was. How incompetent, how much I didn't want this. I knew no one would believe me, and I didn't want to lose all my friends.

I still have nightmares six years later. I still wonder if he recorded me. He was computer savvy, and it was his bedroom. I'm upset that i was used. I'm upset no one protected me, and i hate myself for not being strong enough to protect myself. All this time later, he still was older at the time of the event than I am even now (24), and I cannot even fathom why he did that. 

I'm too much at fault to call it anything serious, like rape or assault. But I stained and unredeemable even all this time later. When push came to shove, my friend swept it under the rug and insinuated that I was a whore. I have dreams so vivid that I wake up crying into my hands. 

What if he recorded me and they still laugh at me now? I feel so dirty, no matter how much time passes. 

 

I guess my question, my point, is ultimately if I even deserve to feel wronged. All I've been through is so borderline. Everything is at least partially my fault, if only for my innocence. I lost everything in the end, and no one even cared what my side of the story was. 

Do I even belong here?

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Hi Bee - It was brave of you to tell your story.  You do belong here, on both accounts.  

Sexual assault isn't always violent.  What matters is whether it was consensual, and you describe very clearly that it wasn't in both incidents.  For one thing, when you're drunk, you can't consent.  In the second incident, you accepted a safe place to sleep.  It wasn't ok for the rules to change after that.  And between the drinking and sleep, you weren't in any place to consent.

The degree of distress that you still feel about both of these events is also very important.  Your descriptions make it clear that what happened was traumatic: both in terms of how you processed the events (the broken flashes of memory you describe in the first event is very typical of trauma memories, which are often fragmentary the way you describe), and in terms of the symptoms you continue to experience (the nightmares, the feeling of dirtiness (VERY common amongst survivors of sexual assault), and the ongoing distress).

If these events had been minor or unimportant, you wouldn't be feeling this much distress years later.  You do belong.  And you do deserve healing.  If you would like to join as a member, you would be more than welcome.  The member-only part of the site will give you many more opportunities to interact with other survivors here.  For me, it was helpful to hear other's experiences, and to realize how many similarities there were between my experiences and others.  That helped me to understand that what I experienced was real and valid.  You might also consider finding a therapist.  Therapy can be very helpful in helping you process through trauma memories in a safe way so that they become less distressing.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest sbug3

  I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend then boyfriend and basically he aggressively/violently dry humped me until he made my body react while I froze in terror and was not even present mentally or emotionally and he finished but over clothes. I get told disgusting things like maybe he was into rough sex but also basically shut up it could’ve been worse. Was I meeting his needs? I tell them no I was a virgin they’re like oh so no then. Ugh.

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Guest sbug3

  Also because it was a sexual assault over clothing they assume it wasn’t violent at all. They’re wrong. He also leaned completely on me many times. 

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Guest sbug3

Oh yeah meanwhile I have flashbacks, body memories, nightmares, and ptsd as people tell me you’re lucky your clothes were on and he didn’t penetrate you, but maybe he was into violent/rough sex. Ugh…

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Guest Sbug3

GuestRecoveringAdult

 I believe you and your feelings are valid and don’t let anyone tell you they aren’t. Women are capable of this and it was a disgusting thing for her to do to you and to say that. This is 100% her fault and it was wrong. I’m so sorry. 

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14 hours ago, Guest sbug3 said:

Oh yeah meanwhile I have flashbacks, body memories, nightmares, and ptsd as people tell me you’re lucky your clothes were on and he didn’t penetrate you, but maybe he was into violent/rough sex. Ugh…

No, you werent ‘lucky’, you were assaulted. PTSD tells the story of trauma, of what happened, so clearly.

Sbug3, you are welcome to join the full forum if you want. As a member, you will be able to post in member-only forums, where you would get more support.

In care,

Jenny

 

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