Jes

Who Deserves to Be Here?

267 posts in this topic

Hey carot,

If someone had sex with you - with penetration or not - and you did not consent you are not being overdramatic. You've been sexually assaulted. I think you already know this and that's why you joined. I look forward to seeing you around the board. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan 

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I don't know if I "deserve" to be here - I was not physically sexually assaulted by my abuser.  We did have physical contact on 3 occasions.  He was my psychiatrist for 2 years.  He violated me in so many ways it is hard to describe, primarily it was psychologically, but much of the psychological abuse was sexual in nature.  We talked about rape and I wrote down degrading "fantasies" for him to review.  He told me it was healing when I imagined him raping me and then comforting me afterward.  The story of 2 years is much too long to describe.  What I struggle with now, more than in the past - when I thought of degrading fantasies that brought me erotic pleasure, is that now I have erotic pleasure in hurting him.  I have tried to become asexual in order to avoid thinking of him at all, but he permeated my sexual thoughts for almost 2 years.  My last "fantasy" of him involved asphyxiating him while I orgasmed; at the end I was not sure if he was dead, but his eyes were closed and his head dropped softly to his chest.  It sounds utterly bizarre, so I don't know if other survivors have experienced this - I am pretty much a "vanilla" sort of person, married for 12 years with 2 kids & love my husband to pieces because he is my rock & knows & accepts all 'dark' parts of me and does not in any way blame me for the abuse by my doctor.  But my sexual thoughts turn very dark, and vicious.  I understand it can be sexually arousing to feel victimized, and I have, many times, imagining him victimizing me in so many ways, because in real life, he was doing that, in insidious and psychological and gaslighting ways with a very sexual undertone.  But now I victimize him in my fantasies, and I don't wish to be a harmful, violent person.  My therapist who specializes in trauma thought my fantasy about asphyxiating him was something that didn't even make her "bat an eye" because "he asphyxiated you psychologically for 2 years."  Thoughts are welcome.  Thanks.

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Hi. I am waiting for validation of my account. I have mixed feelings. While I feel some hope because I am not the only one out there, I feel sad that so many others have gotten hurt too. The original post makes me feel like I am in the right place. I wish no one had to deal with the things we deal with. I feel so sad and depressed today.

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Can we still be here if someone we know and love was raped? Whenever Mom yells, she gets raped by her own mental status.

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Whenever Mom yells, she gets raped by her own mental status.

Can you explain this a bit more? 

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- The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them - this is what victims of all forms of abuse need to hear.... It's spot on. Thank you.

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Hi everyone this is my first time here I read some of the post and it gave me a little encouragement to tell what happened to me. I was also told that by talking about what happened it has less power over you. Im a little nervous I will admit. Here it goes....

I was a little girl at the time it happened.  I had no clue what was going on. being sexually abused by someone that was supposed to protect you feels terrible and unsafe like you can't trust anyone. The abuse happened several different times I can't remember the time frame. I surpressed it and blamed myself for what happened for 18 years. I never told  anyone what had happened because I thought I would get in trouble and that no one would believe me. I finally told my mom 4 years ago. She did believe me. I had told a friend and asked her not to tell because I wasn't ready to tell others and didn't think everyone needed to know the details.  She ended up telling someone and he told everyone and anyone that would listen.  Apparently he was angry at me and started to tell people that I enjoyed what had happened to me. People started talking about it behind my back like it was some sort of entertainment for them.One of them had a friend check if I had pressed charges against my abuser and when he found out I didn't he started telling everyone that I was lying about it and just wanted attention. I felt violated  all over again.  It wasn't his story to tell but he did. I felt so undeserving of so many things. I ended up moving away and started looking for my abuser because I wanted to know why. I found out he was dead. After that I wasn't sure what to do. I had and still do have so much anger towards that person.  im trying to learn to let it go. When people found out they started asking why didn't she tell someone?  Or why didn't she fight back or try to get away.  They weren't there.  I didn't tell anyone because he had threatened me and my family that's  why!!!! Im older now and started looking for support groups and was lead here. 

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It really helps to read such encouraging words right now. I feel absolutely silly because I'm 33 years old and what happened to me happened when I was 13 but recently the old wounds have opened back up again.  My step cousin and his friend raped or molested me (whatever) the correct term is to use. Resulting from that I got pregnant, didn't even really realize or process that I was until I went into labor during gym class and was told that I couldn't do a correct push up. NO one knew, not even me. They said later that because of the traumatizing experience and me being so young that mentally my mind couldn't handle what was happening so I basically was in denial. 

Well thankfully I gave birth later that day to a essentially healthy baby boy. I was 13 years old, I had preeclampsia and was in a medication coma for 3 days because my blood pressure was so high I was having seizures and they were worried that I wasn't going to make it. The majority of this I know because that's what I've been told by my dad and my grandma because I really don't remember anything after going to the hospital that day when I got home from school and the look of horror on my dad's face as we sat in the er and they had to ask me how far along I was and it basically hit me like a ton of bricks that I was getting ready to have a baby because of what those guys did to me. I felt so much shame, and guilt and utter loneliness and sadness. Anyways I was grateful enough to have my older brother and his wife adopt my son  and he just turned 19. 

The rape happened in a different state from where I was living when I had the baby. My dad and I had moved to live with my grandma in another state and the rape happened at my aunt's house. So basically after I got to go home and the baby went to his new home, I had to talk to police and write out a statment. Long story short, unless I wanted to plan on going to that state and staying there during a trial and being ripped apart on a witness stand, then there wasn't anything that they could do. My dad asked me what I wanted to do and I was 13 about ready to turn 14 and I thought if I just let it go then I could go on and be a happy go lucky teenager, so I told him I just wanted to stay where we were and forget about it as best I could. I knew that I could see the baby and I knew that my brother and his wife were great parents to the son they have and they were educated and she is a nurse and they both made a decent living. I felt really comfortable about the decision I made. So I thought that I could just pretend that the other stuff didn't happen. 

That didn't really happen for obvious reasons. I spent the rest of my teenage years miserable, I started SIing myself, thinking about suicide all the time. Drinking, smoking, having sex with guys that were way older than me because I was just trying to fill a void that no matter what I did never got filled. and the more stupid stuff I did the worse I felt about myself and the cycle just continued. Eventually I started seeing a counselor and that helped some. Right around 17 I met the man I'm still with now, and he was 23. I feel grateful that I met him because he was like this island in the middle of an ocean that I swam and swam to and finally reached and it's like life got a little better. We had a son together a year later. (he will be 14 soon). Things were really calm and really good for a couple years. I loved being a mom even though I was still pretty young and we struggled to make ends meet but it felt good . Well I started drinking again and got really really depressed when my new son was around 3 or 4. for about a year I was thinking about SU almost everyday. I just felt like I was this horrible mother, because I was so sad and I would think about my first son and what happened to me and worry that I wouldn't be able to protect my children and it just snowballed. Finally I started talking to another counselor and she helped me realize that I had to forgive the men who assaulted me or it was just going to continue eating me alive. I did a lot of praying and a lot of soul searching and over time the pain got less and less. It never really went away but it got bearable. I started going back to school got my GED and started college classes and working full time. and my second son started school and life wasn't always easy but it was a hell of a lot better. 

Now fast forward 2 weeks ago. My step cousin some how finds me on facebook, even though I have tried to be diligent throughout the years with not adding even anyone remotely close to that part of my family which was easy considerng I didn't have a good relationship with any of them for good reason. When I first got facebook I searched them both and blocked them both. All my settings are private and no one could even message me unless they were already friends of mine on facebook. Well stupid me was trying to locate a neighbors lost dog and I went in and changed my privacy settings so photos of the dog could be shared publicly on facebook and I just got careless and forgot to change them back. Well step cousin messages me out of the blue and says that he has terminal cancer, hes currently in my state. He says he's visitng "friends" and he wanted to ask for my forgivenss as he is sick and close to death and he doesn't want to have it on his conscience anymore. he said he wanted to see me so he could tell me in person and that way I could see that he was sincere.  I saw that message and I swear my heart stopped. it felt like I couldn't breath, my palms got sweaty, every single terrible emotion I felt when the rape was actually occuring was happening to me now 20 years later and I couldn't control it. I was so mad at myself, for not being to shut it off. and people even if they mean well, they don't help. they just say stupid things, that make it worse. I ignored him, and blocked him, thought I switched my prvacy settings back to how they were before and just tried to go on and not let it bother me to bad. I had a couple bad days but I pushed through and didn't want to tell anyone because I knew like I said that people just don't help when you tell them. and it's not like it's somethign I want to talk about and have people look at me like I'm a mess because I can't get over something that happened that long ago.

well yesterday he messaged me from a new facebook account. One that apparently he made. this message was not nice at all. It was a bit off the rails in my opinion. He said that now he's getting upset because clearly I'm ignoring him and that he's sick for crying out loud and all he wanted was some peace towards the end of his life and to feel me one more time and that whether I like it or not he was my first and he loved me and it just went on for one long paragraph and that he didn't want to have to search for me because he's sure he could find me but he didn't want to cause any problems. (because clearly him doing this isn't going to cause me any problems right!?!). So I showed my husband. I didn't show him the last one I just told him that he message me and what he had said about wanting my forgiveness and he told me then that I should do whatever I needed to do to be okay with the situation and never mind what he wanted. and now after I showed him this message he was a little more upset because he said it just doesn't seem like a very sane thing to say talking about wanting to touch me one more time and how he loved me when I was 13 and he was 29 at the time. and the other guy his friend was 21. 

So anyways, this is where I am now. I don't have many friends that I can talk to about stuff like this. The one friend that I told beside my husband told me when I started to cry that I just have to get over it, who cares what them guys want or think to hell with them. Like it's just a switch I can shut off and on, like I wouldn't have did that already if I could. I wish I could, so so bad. I wish I could just shut it off and not care and just make it stop. I am a mess and each day I keep telling myself that I'm not going to let it bother me and that I'm bigger than this and it was a long time ago and other people have way worse problems than me and I can't complain about this because there are people with cancer and terminal illnesses and I don't have  a right to feel sorry for myself. But I just can't make the physical reactions stop. My anxiety has been through the roof, I've been sick to my stomach, physically sick, I don't want to eat, I try to fill my days with helping everyone else and tell myself that it'll go away and it's not going away and I just don't know what to do .

I"m sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm trying to type and keep up with everything im thinking so I'm sure it's pretty nonsensical and i'm crying and upset. I just want to feel better, I want to have my happy, sometimes stressful but overall good life back. I can't go down the roads I've been down in the past. I just can't. I barely made it through the last time alive and I can't go down that dark path again. I just can't. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through this time.  I did message him back today. I said that not that I owe him an explanation but I forgave them both a long time ago for MY sake. Because I had to in order to get out of my dark depressing suicidal hole I was in because of them. I said that I don't want to see him ever again even though I forgave him I won'nt forget it and just thinking about it makes me physically ill. I said if you do try to find me and I see you I will scream and yell and call you a rapist and a child molester and you will regret ever coming around me. I said, whatever you need to do to have peace you need to take up with god at this point, it's between him and you now so focus on your time and energy on asking for god's forgiveness, not mine. I haven't gotten a response back, I didn't know if I block him now from that account if he would still see the message or not. So my husband said just to leave it and he look at all my messages and let me know if he messages back that way I don't have to see it and read it again right now.

Anyways, thank you for anyone who took the time to read this. It did help some to type it all out. I was thinking that I might need to see a counselor again or go to a support group or something like that. Maybe if I start it now, I can try to get some advice and help and work through it and not have it continue to bother me like it is starting to now. Thank u again 

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I am new here. I found this website because I am looking for a place to help me deal with trauma. I have been diagnosed with DID. Right now I am struggling. 

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I discovered this amazing message board 4 years ago when I was assaulted by someone on a school trip. It really helped me to talk to someone, some of my friends were convinced it was all my fault and I was making an excuse to cheat on my boyfriend and I wasn’t in a very bad place at the time. 

I was forced into the room of a guy I’d met that day. He blocked me from going further down the corridor of the hotel and pushed me into his room. He assaulted me whilst his roommate slept in the next bed. 

Throughout the last 4 Years I’ve been through the range of emotions, from guilt to feeling damaged to not knowing what I was feeling. I went to court, where a prosecutor tried to make me out as a liar and a lot worse, all to find he was found not guilty due to indescrepanices in statements.

At the beginning of this year one of my best friends from medical school asked my advice on a lot of the things I’d went through because she was going to support her friend who went through something similar. So surprise surprise all the feelings have come back to me, and I feel myself not knowing who to turn to anymore. I thought I could talk to her but now I don’t think she understands after asking me that. I find people who know get uncomfortable when I want to talk about how I feel so I’ve been keeping it in a lot lately. I apologise for the paragraphs but I just needed to write how I’m feeling.

I find myself thinking about all of this when I’m stressed as well, and currently I am supporting 3 of my close friends through events in their lives pretty much single handedly. I feel like I’m suffocating under this and on top of it all the feelings are back. 

I find myself walking down the street and seeing people stare like they know I’m “damaged goods”. I feel like I’m suffocating in my own thoughts and don’t know who to talk to about any of this. I’ve had a panic attack again and I’m scratching (I did this the first time to my arms and I found myself doing it again).

Writing this has helped in itself, but I send my love and support to all of you feeling anything even remotely similar to me at this time. Pandys helped a lot last time and I would encourage anyone who feels they don’t know who to turn to to know that they can always talk here, and someone will listen ❤️

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Thanks for posting 🙂

i am new here, so this was a great first post to read, and remind myself that my feelings and situation are valid, and I deserve to heal. 

Looking forward to engaging new friends here in the future.

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Welcome to Pandys! :) 

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Hi everyone - sorry for what we have all been through.

I have struggled for a while feeling like a fraud.....

I was 17 and naive I went to a party of a “friend” from college ..... that party was actually a family party consisting of grown adults plus me my “friend” and his brother.

They plied me with drink and I, completely wasted, started to kiss the brother. I passed out at some point and woke to him having sex with me. I was frozen with disbelief and pushed him away.

my mom was going through a separation at the time and I felt I could not call her so I stayed the night and let “him” drive me home.

i tried to carry on for 3 years without telling anybody until I broke down.

13 years on I still blame myself and wonder if I made a big deal out of nothing ....... my 20s were filled with counselling and medications. 

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Hi Ellie,

i am sorry you are struggling. It was very wrong of him to have six with you when you were not able to consent. What happened was not your fault. It can be hard to let go of self-blame, but you truly did nothing wrong.

Sending support,

Mary Beth

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This is a post I so desperately needed to read. Thank you for writing this, it makes me feel included and I'm not alone. There are others who are struggling like I am and have these thoughts going on inside. I just had it happen to me over the weekend and I'm finding it difficult to cope... telling people what happened. I am still embarrassed that it happened and I still love my ex boyfriend. It's going to be a rough journey but its nice to know I have support.

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I had a similar experience to you Ellieeliphant.  Your story spoke to me.  I woke to find an acquaintance on top of me after drinking at a party. It was my first time having intercourse.  I had intimate contact with various long term boyfriends but this was sudden, unwanted, and forced on me.  I feel like I had my innocence and sense of trust was destroyed. I still have trouble staying asleep and suffer from severe insomnia.  Often I wonder if it was due to being violated while unconscious.  I have so much guilt and self blame for being there even though deep down I know it wasn't my fault.  Others were quick to blame me which reinforced all my distorted thoughts.  You did not ask for what happened.  You are not making a big deal out of it either, what happened to you is so wrong.  I wish you peace and healing.  Being part of this group has given me strength to write my story since I can't seem to find my voice to even get counselling just yet.  

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Dear Cherysh,

If you want to speak with the administration you will need a valid email address. The one you're trying to use is not recognized by yahoo.co.uk

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