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When asked:  Why didn't you fight harder

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My answer would be:

It was a scary situation to be in and I did the best I could. I'm only human and I was just a little girl.

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Good answer 8888.

It's such an accusatory question. I've been asked it in a backwards kind of way and it

feels really bad. Like I'm guilty.

I'll try to remember your answer whenever I think about it.

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I've had similar questions. I did struggle and beg them to stop but didn't scream or hit, so obviously didn't try hard enough :(.

I've also had 'but why did you even go there in the first place'. That really hit a raw nerve and made me feel like the stupidest person in the world.

But I think one of the worst things I've been asked about one of my SA's when I said he overpowered me and I couldn't get him off was 'but you were wearing jeans! You must've had the chance to get away or kick him or something at some point before anything happened?' And then went on to say 'how did he even get your trousers off? Why did you let him?' Or words to that effect. Those questions still hurt me right to the core because I couldn't even give an acceptable answer. I ask myself those same questions all the time and it just makes me feel sick in my stomach because I still dont know how I let it happen :(

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Posted (edited)

I didn't ask this of E but I certainly thought it. He's a martil artist, a blackbelt taekwondo fighter, but still he was assaulted and beaten for 4 times. I couldn't understand how that was possible, but I had no idea how terrified he was... My God. It WAS his best friend, my brother, wasn't it? Why else would he not fight???

Edited by Bitterblue

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Why else would he not fight???

This is the question that all men who have been raped are asked, in one form or another. Sometimes it comes in an even more brutal form: "Why didn't you die?"

If you'll forgive me, it's the wrong question. Some of us did fight—and lost. Some of us froze up. Some of us panicked. Some were incapacitated by drugs or alcohol; or blackmailed; or threatened; or were opposed to the use of violence; or...

None of that is relevant.

The only question anyone is entitled to ask is this one, of the perpetrator: "Why did you rape that person"?

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Why else would he not fight???

This is the question that all men who have been raped are asked, in one form or another. Sometimes it comes in an even more brutal form: "Why didn't you die?"

If you'll forgive me, it's the wrong question. Some of us did fight—and lost. Some of us froze up. Some of us panicked. Some were incapacitated by drugs or alcohol; or blackmailed; or threatened; or were opposed to the use of violence; or...

None of that is relevant.

The only question anyone is entitled to ask is this one, of the perpetrator: "Why did you rape that person"?

It *is* the wrong question, isn't it? He said he was drugged the first time and he did fight but nothing worked and he couldn't explain why he couldn't do anything on the other times. He was so terrified. My God. I want to know why too. Why did they do this. He did not deserve that. None of you did.

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For me it was fear. Then dissociation set in so it would have been difficult to even mention until I was strong enough to speak out

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Posted (edited)

     I am a man who was sexually assaulted first by a man and then by a woman on different dates. I was able to fight the man, but I didn't know how to fight the woman. I just lied there. I told her that I didn't want to be touched there at all. When she went to do what she wanted to do, I couldn't hit her. She had been following me on campus. When I was leaving campus one day, she asked me where I was going. I told her that I was going food shopping and she asked if she could come along. After two weeks of tagging along she asked if I can be her boyfriend. I said it wasn't a good idea because I was moving home in two months. Then she asked if it is possible that I could be her boyfriend for two months. I said that it was possible, because anything is possible, but I didn't say ‘yes’. She said "Oh goody". I told my friend and room-mate, and asked him what that meant. He laughed and said, "Congratulations buddy, you got yourself a girlfriend". I didn't want that. It was said ambiguously to me. I didn't agree to be her boyfriend. I was only being polite. I thought a gentleman was supposed to respect a lady's feelings. I wore an old wrinkled flannel shirt, and didn't shave the first time we went out in the evening, and tried to bore her with scientific, historical and political conversation. That didn't work unfortunately. She said that she didn’t understand what I was talking about but she liked listening to my voice. One night my friend asked me if it was him or is she kind of ugly. I agreed that she is kind of ugly. He said, "She's not just ugly, she's hideous." I had been trying to think of a word to describe how she looked, and that was it. I felt so sorry for this girl. I had thought her mother may have been subjected to teratogens when she was pregnant for this girl's face to come out so distorted. My friend said, "How do you kiss her goodnight". I said, "I don't". He said, "You've been going out with her for a month, and you haven't kissed her goodnight!" About a month later he said that he had been watching me walk her to her car every night for a month, and said, “It’s pathetic. She stands there waiting for you to kiss her goodnight." He said I was being mean to her, and that I had to kiss her goodnight or tell her that I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I did not want to hurt her feelings. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want to see her anymore. Since I would be moving soon anyway, I gave her a polite kiss goodnight. That was a mistake. As the semester progressed she kept asking me to have sex, and I told her repeatedly that I wanted that to wait for marriage. She insisted that sex didn't have to wait for marriage. Then one night she asked me if she could try something. I asked what it was and she told me that she didn't want to say, and I should just trust her. I asked her a second time and she said, "Don't you trust me!" as if she was offended. She already knew that I didn't want anything sexual because we talked about it multiple times. She said I could trust her. Then she kept on about it and told me to promise her that I would let her try something. I knew that she knew what I didn't want because I had made it clear multiple times. She unzipped my pants. I covered my zipper area with my hands, and she said I couldn't do that because I already promised. She said, "You promised. You're not going to go back on your word are you! You can’t do that!" She pitted my word against my chastity, my sense of honesty against my sense of morality. I never consented to this act. I was manipulated. However, consent can be revoked at any time, and it is illegal to pursue sexual acts after consent has been revoked. Then she raped me. In New York State as well as other states, it is recognized that men can be raped through an oral act. It felt vile. She used a lot of spit and it felt disgusting. I can still see her acne covered chin over her square jaw looking like a hideous witch preying on me as if she was stealing my life force. When she was finished she saw the expression on my face and said, "Oh no what have I done".  She covered her face with her hands and was acting all upset and kept asking me to tell her that I liked it. So I said I did to spare her feelings, but I didn't sound convincing so she persisted. She acted upset until I sounded convincing. She kept her face covered with her hands and acted as if she was crying. When I sounded convincing enough, she quickly recovered and I didn’t see any tears. She later said that she didn't tell me what she wanted to try because she knew I would say no. I remember thinking, "So why did you do it?"  About a week later she asked to do it again. When I said that we shouldn't she persisted saying that I said I liked it, and saying, "You didn't lie did you!" I still said that we shouldn't and she persisted saying that I would be a liar if I didn't. She again pitted my sense of honesty against my sense of morality. She did this to me a few times.  I found it intolerable and quietly waited for her to be done while screaming inside and feeling dirty. I remember eventually being kind of numb to it and relieved when I could finally get through it without the gut wrenching feeling. She referred to me as a boy toy on a number of occasions and said that she had me wrapped around her little finger. When I moved back home she called and wrote regularly. She called me her friend. After a couple of months she asked me to help pick out her next boyfriend. She said, "I realized you're not coming back." She said that it would be easy for us to be friends because we never had sex.

     “Erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that may result from physical contact whether it is pleasurable or not, wanted or not. These responses do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the assault and do not indicate anything about your sexual orientation. “Some offenders are aware how an erection and ejaculation can confuse a victim of sexual assault - this motivates them to manipulate their victims to the point of erection or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to discourage reporting of the crime”, and “When a man has been raped, he has been forced to endure things that he did not want and which probably terrified him.” (Roberts 2013). Rape is a risk factor for post-traumatic stress disorder (Zinzow et al. (2012).

     I had never had a girlfriend before this experience. Rape alters a person’s boundaries and makes the victim more likely to be raped in the future (Young 2012). Rape, sexual assault and coercion makes a person less able to ‘trust in relationships’ and to trust other persons (Collibee and Furman 2014). After thirty years I was finally able to address and recognize the experience for what it was, and also address the harm that it has done to me for the past three decades. My greatest regret is how it has harmed my wife and our relationship. Rape does not only harm the victim but the victims loved ones as well. I share this experience to help the community at large. It should be noted that I was told that I am a learning disabled adult by practitioners at a local university hospital. “Men (like women) can be raped if the rapist uses extortion, subtle forms of coercion, deception or psychological control.”, and “Although the majority of perpetrators are male, women can also sexually assault men” (Roberts 2013).

 

References:

Collibee, C., Furman, W. 2014. Impact of sexual coercion on romantic experiences of adolescents and young adults, Arch Sex Behav. DOI 10.1007/s10508-013-0256-0

Roberts, M. 2013. When a man is raped: A survival guide. Information for when a man has been raped, parents, spouses, partners and friends. NSW Health Education Centre Against Violence. ISBN: 1-876969075

Edited by Respectfully

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I have been lucky in that the people I have told have not really asked me ....its more of a question I put on my self. The fact that I froze is one of the harder things to live with, despite knowing it is common.

 

 

On 6/18/2002 at 1:16 PM, Guest said:

Not sure where to post this, so my apologies if this is in the wrong spot.  I have been asked: Why didn't you fight harder? by so many people.  At the time, I can never seem to come up with a reply.  I'm just wondering what others say and how they feel about that question.  I'm in the process of writing my grandma a letter regarding her responses to me on certain issues including the r*pe.  She is the one that crams that question in my face every time I speak to her.  

I don't know why I didn't fight.  If I could remember how it all happened maybe I could come up with an answer.  I'm guessing I was scared.  I had already said "no" twice and he had said he wouldn't hurt me, but he did.  I guess my fear silenced me...

 

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