It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise

[traveller321]

1. It was really my fault because I had drunk a lot of vodka

2. It was really my fault because I went with him even though I had a boyfriend

3. It was really my fault because my body reacted to it and I remember enjoying it

4. It was really my fault because I didn't try to leave

5. It was really my fault because I was attracted to him

1. It wasn't my fault because he told me we were going for drinks at a bar and he took me back to his.

2. It wasn't my fault because I told him no, several times, and he waited until I was asleep so that I couldn't say no anymore

3. It wasn't my fault because I didn't feel I could leave

4. It wasn't my fault because he did everything he could to get me there and keep me there

5. It wasn't my fault because he kept holding me and refusing to let me go

6. It wasn't my fault because I didn't want to

7. It wasn't my fault because he knew what to do to get me to trust him

8. It wasn't my fault because I do not know what he did while I was asleep

[EllieDee2]

1. It was really my fault because i had slept with him before that night.

2. It was really my fault because i was the one who got drunk that night.

3. It was really my fault because i trusted him.

4. It was really my fault because i kissed him back a little.

5. It was really my fault because i should have screamed for help instead of just telling him to leave me alone.

6. It was really my fault because i should have called someone else for help that night instead of him.

1. It wasn't my fault because i was drunk...but he was sober.

2. It wasn't my fault because i fought him as hard as i physically could.

3. It wasn't my fault because he'd asked me to sleep with him since I'd got a boyfriend but I'd made it clear i wasn't interested in that.

I can't think of anymore reasons it wasn't my fault and I'm scared you'll all believe its my fault, because it certainly looks that way to me

[paperheart]

Still gathering the courage to do this exercise. But will keep trying. Thank you for posting it and those who have courageously posted. I hope it's helping you heal.

[angel.heart]

1. It was really my fault because i had slept with him before that night.

2. It was really my fault because i was the one who got drunk that night.

3. It was really my fault because i trusted him.

4. It was really my fault because i kissed him back a little.

5. It was really my fault because i should have screamed for help instead of just telling him to leave me alone.

6. It was really my fault because i should have called someone else for help that night instead of him.

1. It wasn't my fault because i was drunk...but he was sober.

2. It wasn't my fault because i fought him as hard as i physically could.

3. It wasn't my fault because he'd asked me to sleep with him since I'd got a boyfriend but I'd made it clear i wasn't interested in that.

I can't think of anymore reasons it wasn't my fault and I'm scared you'll all believe its my fault, because it certainly looks that way to me

Do no fear, hun. It's not your fault, not at all - and it doesn't look like it's your fault to me.

[Lyssamay1989]

It was my fault because I should have known better.

It was my fault because I stayed with him, despite the abuse.

It was my fault because I am a cold hearted bitch.

It was my fault because I gave into him even though I didn't want to.

It was my fault because he was always right.

It was my fault because I let myself become numb after 2 years.

It wasn't my fault because he pushed me and slapped me.

It wasn't my fault because he has anger issues that he needs to get help for; he knew it then, he knows it now.

It wasn't my fault because I tried to see the good in the relationship

It wasn't my fault because he knowingly used me.

It wasn't my fault because I thought it was love.

It wasn't my fault because other than with sex, he was hardly ever affectionate. He would push me away, call me names, tell me I was too needy or annoying.

I'm working on it.

[Wil]

Wow, this is a very helpful thread.

I found it so therapeutic, although I got a bit carried away with my reply (too long and triggery, I think). So I blogged it instead, but I thought I should leave a little message here to say thanks for starting this thread, and for everyone who's contributed so honestly.

Safe, gentle (and optional) hugs to all

Edited June 5, 2013 by Wil

[in_shadow]

It was really my fault because: People warned me away from him and I still trusted him.

It was really my fault because: I should have seen where the deterioration of how he was treating me was headed.

It was really my fault because: I should have left after the first time.

It was really my fault because: I should have left because of the other behaviours in the relationship beyond the bedroom stuff.

It wasn't really my fault because: He should have listened to me when I said no during and asked him not to do it again between events.

It wasn't really my fault because: Men who love their partners don't do to them what he did to me.

It wasn't really my fault because: He is predatory and deliberately seeks vulnerable women who he can control and abuse.

[LostInTheWoods]

It really was my fault because I was drunk.

It really was my fault because we had to share the only bed.

It really was my fault because I didn't verbally stop him.

It really was my fault because I should have known not to trust him.

It really was my fault because I didn't give myself a way to get out of the situation because we went there together.

It really was my fault because I continued to be his friend like nothing happened.

It really was my fault because I couldn't face it or call it SA until months after.

It really wasn't my fault because a gentleman would have slept on the couch.

It really wasn't my fault because I was asleep.

It really wasn't my fault because I told him I wasn't interested in him that way.

It really wasn't my fault because I didn't ask for it and I couldn't have consented.

It's scary to post this.. I feel like mine wasn't even all that bad comparatively, like maybe I'm overreacting. And that maybe it was my fault somewhere in there too..

[lucy]

Hello LostInTheWoods,

I am so proud of you for posting here, I am sorry for all that you have had to endure. Please know that you are definately not overreacting and it was NOT your fault, please take good care of you hunny.

Lucy x

[LostInTheWoods]

Hello LostInTheWoods,

I am so proud of you for posting here, I am sorry for all that you have had to endure. Please know that you are definately not overreacting and it was NOT your fault, please take good care of you hunny.

:metoyou:/>

Lucy x

[LostInTheWoods]

Thank you. I never could have asked for a more supportive community to be a part of through all of this. Just thanks.

[FourYearsLater]

Since my biggest issue is blaming myself I've decided to try and do this exercise. Here it goes:

1. It really was my fault because I had kissed him earlier that night.

2. It really was my fault because I put myself in danger, choosing to drink so much.

3. It really was my fault because I didn't fight him off, even though I physically should have been able to.

4. It really was my fault because he didn't verbally threaten me.

5. It really was my fault because I was dressed provocatively and gave him the wrong vibe.

6. It really was my fault because the authorities told me that it was.

1. It really wasn't my fault because I did tell him no, repeatedly.

2. It really wasn't my fault because he knew that I didn't want to have sex with him in that bathroom stall. I only went there to throw up.

3. It really wasn't my fault because I didn't know better, I was only 17. He was 23.

4. It really wasn't my fault because kissing does not mean that I consented to having sex with him.

5. It really wasn't my fault because I was so drunk that fighting him off was hard.

6. It really wasn't my fault because...

Well, now I've run out of reasons. Unfortunately, my head still tells me that it's slightly more my fault than his.

[slkhamby]

I really can't do this yet but I will make it one of my goals to be able to do it - and then try to believe it.

[mcook]

1. It was really my fault because: I went to the party
2. It was really my fault because:I was the only female there
3. It was really my fault because : I was too drunk
4. It was really my fault because : I didn't say no
5. It was really my fault because : I didn't resist
6. It was really my fault because: I didn't wake anyone up

7. It was really my fault because: I was dressed in a skirt

1. It wasn't my fault because: He was supposed to be someone I could trust
2. It wasn't my fault because : I thought I would be safe with my friends
3. It wasn't my fault because : I was too drunk to understand
4. It wasn't my fault because : I was asleep
5. It wasn't my fault because: He is a repeat offender, who preys on women in this kind of situation… did he set me up? This was premeditated.
6. It wasn't my fault because : My gender and my appearance cannot be considered consent

7. It wasn't my fault because: I didn't want it

[aeron]

it really was my fault because i didnt say no.

it really was my fault because i walked over to him.

it really was my fault because i took off my pyjamas when he asked me to.

it really was my fault because i never expressed how it affected me.

it really was my fault because i went to his bedroom with him.

it really was my fault because of the way i dressed and acted.

it really was my fault because i dont pass.

it really was my fault because i should have seen what kind of person he was.

it really was my fault because i trusted him.

it really was my fault because i was drunk.

it wasnt my fault because i was a kid.

it wasnt my fault because i was vulnerable and he knew it.

it wasnt my fault because he was manipulative.

it wasnt my fault because he was supposed to be trustworthy.

it wasnt my fault because i was clearly unresponsive.

it wasnt my fault because i was going about my day.

it wasnt my fault because being a woman wouldnt be inviting sexual assault /anyway/.

it wasnt my fault because my behaviour was typical r*pe victim behaviour.

it wasnt my fault because it was his f*cking fault.

it wasnt my fault because i was drunk.

[Sweet_pea]

It was my fault because I got separated from my friends.
It was my fault because I lost my phone, ID and bank card leaving me alone and almost completely helpless.
It was my fault because I spoke to a stranger.

It was my fault because I wound up being dragged away by him.
It was my fault because I was scared.
It was my fault because I was too weak to stop him.

It wasn't my fault because I didn't want it.
It wasn't my fault because I said no and I tried to push him away.
It wasn't my fault because I was alone and vulnerable.
It wasn't my fault because I tried to fight but he hurt me.
It wasn't my fault because I didn’t do it, it happened to me.

It wasn’t my fault because I had thought he was going to help me.

[alexandra25]

It was my fault because I was dancing
It was my fault because my boyfriend told me it was
It was my fault because my boyfriend accused me of being horny because of it
It was my fault because I blacked out

It was not my fault because I blacked out
It was not my fault because I never said yes
It was not my fault because he took advantage
It was not my fault because i thought i was safe with my friends and boyfriend
It was not my fault because I never knew it even happened

[Glamazon]

It was my fault because: I wasn't strong enough to say no.
It was my fault because: I let him do what he did.
It was my fault because: I could have stopped it and didn't.

It was my fault because: I didn't know how to stop it.
It was my fault because: I was scared.
It was my fault because: I knew it was wrong and couldn't speak up.

It wasn't my fault because: I was only nine and he was an older adult and family friend.
It wasn't my fault because: I couldn't have stopped it if I tried.
It wasn't my fault because: He had the power as an adult and I didn't as a child.
It wasn't my fault because: I tried to say no.
It wasn't my fault because: there was nothing I could have done to stop it.

It wasn’t my fault because: I was just a kid.

Wow, I have never really thought of these things before. I know logically that it wasn't my fault, because I was too young to stop it, but it's nice to say them out loud (figuratively). Thanks for the post, OP!

[Growler]

It really was my fault because I made him crazy

It really was my fault because I was bad

It really was my fault because I didn't fight back enough

It really was my fault because he said I wanted it

It really was my fault because I didn't tell

It really was my fault because I'm a whore. His whore.

It really wasn't my fault because he stated when I was in nappies

It really wasn't my fault because he was my daddy and he should have protected me

It really wasn't my fault because I didn't want to do it

It really wasn't my fault because I took my beatings and didn't cry

It really wasn't my fault because he raped me

[Tashashka]

It was my fault because I never told anyone

It was my fault because I never said no

It was my fault because I let it happen to protect others

It was my fault because I never cried

It was my fault because I never said stop

It was not my fault because I was five.

It was not my fault because I was six.

It was not my fault because I was seven.

It was not my fault because I was eight.

It was not my fault because I was nine.

It was not my fault because I was ten.

It was not my fault because I was eleven.

It was not my fault because I was twelve.

It was not my fault because I was thirteen.

It was not my fault because I didn't know it was wrong.

[angel.heart]

-sitting with you- Tashashka. i'm so sorry..breaks my heart

it was my fault because i went to the pub alone

it was my fault because i consciously ignored the warning signs

it's my fault because i was drunk and my inhibitions were lowered

it was my fault because i couldn't say no about going to his house

it was my fault because i made a vow to not have sex with him. i didn't want it

it was my fault because i drunkenly ignored that i was uncomfortable

it was my fault because i drank more at his house
it was my fault because i crawled into bed with him expecting him not to start being sexual

it was my fault because i wanted sex

it wasn't my fault because i didn't want that kind of sex

it wasn't my fault because i did not consent

it wasn't my fault because i said no

it wasn't my fault because i couldn't leave the apartments without his card

it wasn't my fault because i pushed back when he shoved my head down there

it was my fault because i'm sexually awkward

it was my fault because i gave in, wanting to just go home

it was my fault i ended up there in the first place

it wasn't my fault because even after he raped me he wouldn't let me leave

it wasn't my fault because i didn't want it

i don't know

[Parlophone]

It was really my fault because I didn't tell anyone.

(No it wasn't. It wasn't your fault because he threatened your life if you told.)

It was really my fault because I didn't fight back.

(It wasn't your fault because your body activated a natural survival mechanism.)

It was really my fault because I let him do it.

(It was really his fault because he was a grown man that manipulated a child.)

It was really my fault because I liked it.

(Your body reacted naturally to stimulation. It wasn't your fault.)

My trust was betrayed by a man that should have protected me. The fault lies with him. It is his sin to face on the day that we are all judged by the Lord. My hands are clean. I did nothing wrong. What happened is not, and never was, my fault.

[moonlightsonata]

A big first step in acknowledgement and healing for me… still working on these.

1. It was really my fault because… he was known as a womanizer.

2. It was really my fault because… I chose to hang out with him.

3. It was really my fault because… I knew he was drunk.

4. It was really my fault because… I didn’t scream.

1. It wasn’t my fault because… I trusted him as a good friend.

2. It wasn’t my fault because… I didn’t want it.

3. It wasn’t my fault because… I didn’t realize he would rape me.

4. It wasn’t my fault because… I said no.

[mistycat]

well I'm not sure if I did this right......here goes....

1. It was really my fault because I was drunk and high and trusted him to not hurt me.

2. It was really my fault because I I did not fight. I was frozen and accommodating.

3. It was really my fault because my body was turned on.

4. It was really my fault because I must have been stupid.

5. It was really my fault because abuse from people happens all the time.

6. It was really my fault because I must have a 'rape me' sign on my forehead.

1. It wasn't my fault because I was never taught to say no. No one in my family ever taught me

that it was ok to set boundaries or say no.

2. It wasn't my fault because I didn't ask for it.

3. It wasn't my fault because I have mental illness because I was abused sexually daily close to eight years.

4. It wasn't my fault because I looked nice and turned him on.

5. It wasn't my fault because I felt good and was very relaxed.

6. It wasn't my fault because I thought that since I am a nice person and don't want to hurt anyone,

he would be the same.

this was a great exercise! I hope to do more. Thank you so much for this.

[Anastasia190]

I can't do this exercise....I can't think of any reason why what happened wasn't my fault....Too much self-blame, guilt and shame