Jes

Top 10 Stupidest Comments

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My brother was the one who orally raped, molested, and abused me. He is about the same size as me even though he is two years older than me, so no one believes he could of done anything. The most responses that I hate are "Just get over it" "Turn to God" "Oral rape isn't real rape" "He's too small, you could of run away or something" and one of the most hurtful is when I told my best friend and she kept saying it doesn't seem possible and pointing out false facts that would prove me wrong if they were true, like she thought I was making stuff up for attention.

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Posted (edited)

My current husband every time after I break down and talk about the rape, abuse, attacks; 'So do you feel better now you've talked to me about it?' Followed by an hour of me reassuring him about how great/supportive/understanding he is.

Because a lifetime of abuse followed by political violence and domestic abuse/rape will magically disappear after an hour's worth of talking to someone about it, right?

Especially when him listening is totally negated by the transparent grab for backpats.

Edited by AnetD
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"I think you are deliberately MAKING dramas for yourself in life" - a counsellor told me this in 2005, after I reported having PTSD and abuse at home with my B/F. I never saw her again.

"You don't know what real domestic violence is" - my sister, when I tried to tell her about my abuse.

"That's what men do when they get angry. I don't blame him" - my father, when I came to him crying, after being abused and asked if I could stay at his place.

"You obviously have a lower sex drive than him" - a sexual abuse counsellor, a month ago, when I recounted a rape to her - by my ex B/f.

I could go on and on...

To have a counselor say that to you is so scary and completely deters me from wanting to ever go into any counseling or tell anyone. i feel that way already. That i am making it a bigger deal then it really is. for someone to affirm that belief to me would only hinder my mental and emotional recovery.

I had a girlfriend tell me that she 'wished i could get over this' and i know she meant well but it was hurtful enough that what i heard was i cannot keep telling her about this and so for many years now I havent said anything to her so she thinks i am over it.

One time in trying to tell my mother vaguely she said 'well if you didnt want it why didnt you make up a lie to get out of it, like you have to go to the bathroom" and it was about a particularly forceful as well as shameful time. The only reason for that time literally was to shame me and make me feel like the girl he knew i was/am.

he said to me he knew i could take the pain and that he knew i wanted it.

guess my stupid comments really arent that bad.

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Moose_Muffin - I don't blame you for feeling that way, but don't let it stop you from finding a counselor. It took me 25 years and 5 attempts to find the right one. They are human too and some are better than others. Now that I have a counselor who I feel is entirely on my side and believes me 100% I am finally starting to heal.

Oh! Speaking of bad therapists: Family therapist on my depression - 'what you really need is a fashion makeover'. ohmy.png

Can't believe I forgot that one...

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When I sent a text to a friend, describing a flashback of CSA. (The first real flashback I had.)

He wrote back: "that's not a memory, that's a dream. It didn't happen."

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"That really happened?"

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My campus counsellor: "Well, you just need too look at it from his perspective."

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"It happens ten years ago .. why can't forget it?" from a friend when i told him about my rape . Sure, it's so easy to forget right??

"I think you are overreacting. After all, if all these happened why you never call the police?" from my last T when i told her about CSA and tha gang who tried also to assault me and pointed a gang to my head. Yeah , it was so easy to report all these at 6 or 16? Especially when police never believed me.

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"Omg Malice why were you so naive? No wonder stuff like these happen to you. What were you thinking?" My lovely ex-boyfriend. Gotta miss that guy.

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My best friend when I explained what my new T, is trying to help me with. "I'm tired of hearing about it ". (Referring to my r*)

Would a real friend say that?

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Posted (edited)

It wasn't intentional.: They took a person out because her father died. My mom died 6 months ago, not even a text.

I didn't know it hurt you when I talked about dad's selling their children and you said you were and then left the room.

We're praying for you and want you back in our group. Only one person has reached out to me in 2 years.

God loves you, Gods loves you, God loves you.....on and on. They think if they say it enough I finally accept it.

All things work for the good. I'd like to see them say that if they went through even a tiny portion of what I did

God was sitting next to youu crying while you went through what you went through. That's supposed to make me feel better.

Friends help to keep you happy. Try telling that to all the people I've tried to befriend.

Edited by Starlight

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My Mum saying "Oh if you'd worn those boots that day it wouldn't have happened, you'd have been able to kick his arse!" Considering I got raped during a therapeutic massage I wouldn't have been wearing boots Mum..

Closely followed by male friend who commented that he couldn't believe how long the guy waited to 'prey on me' - because I'd known him for years. Now I know he'd spent his time grooming me and had become more and more inappropriate and creepy just before the rape occurred. (I understand this now, I was targeted at my most vulnerable) Yes that's right, I must have wanted it to happen, and let it happen because I'd known him so long. Had nothing to do with the past abuse left me open to other occurrences at all.

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"Does he know what he did?"

I said no, multiple times, but I shouldn't have to justify what I said, did or did not do. 

"I hope you learned your lesson."

That one was from my own father, who I (still) consider to be super close to. That one cut deep. He apologized later, and said that he didn't mean to say that, but it still hurt. 

"What were you wearing?" or "Were you drinking?"

My mom asked me this. I don't know why either of those were important. 

It's hard hearing the most insensitive comments from the people you care the most about. 

"Im desensitized to sex, so that really wouldn't be considered rape to me." 

Rape culture has caused us to see this as normal. 

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I was told by a psychologist I was starting therapy with, that he couldn't help me if I didn't help myself. I needed accept I backed out too late and ruined a mans life. Why did I think an adult in his 40s wanted to be friends with a 14 year old?? needless to say I sort stopped going after that. Now I have major issues with therapy 

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25 minutes ago, Guest FeelingofthedayNUMB said:

I was told by a psychologist I was starting therapy with, that he couldn't help me if I didn't help myself. I needed accept I backed out too late and ruined a mans life. Why did I think an adult in his 40s wanted to be friends with a 14 year old?? needless to say I sort stopped going after that. Now I have major issues with therapy 

What a horrible thing to say! I'm sorry this ignorant neanderthal has made it difficult to find healing through therapy. There are competent psychologists out there and there are many who decide therapy just isn't for them. Many paths to healing from sexual violence. I hope you find the one you need. 

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

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A fellow survivor said to me, while she was trying to get at me, that maybe I should try girls as men are not for me. They don't treat me well. 

 

Why didnt i think of just changing the way I look at women sexually? What a genius idea! Because women have always been kind to me and never treated me poorly. 

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The worst comment or i should say response i ever got was from my mum.....I was about 9-10 having survived multiple CSA and I first told her about ongoing CSA from my cousin.....and she was really supportive, she did give me the whole 'why didn't you come and tell us? why didn't you kick and scream?' generic responses but ultimately she called the police etc....so it was a positive experience, so feeling more confident that i wouldn't get into trouble i told her about the other abusers.....and she shouted at me and called me a liar, and told me that it was my fault and generally treated me like i'd committed the worst crime.

5 or 6 years later i remember trying to confide in a teacher (who was an ex cop) and my friends at the time.....who all laughed at made jokes about how i'd 'had sex with my cousin'.

I had a counselor tell me that it was because my abuser (after getting shouted at by my mother i only ever tried to tell people about the CSA from my cousin) 'Fancied Me' like that made it alright.

I even had my other half tell me that i should have 'gotten over it by now'.....now i have forgiven him for that one because he realised he'd been a giant fuckwit and has since made the effort to understand as best he can and be as supportive as he can (this was at the start of our relationship, we've been together 10 years now, safe to say i've forgiven him).

These are some of the most damaging ones i've experienced (the OH has more than made up for his ignorance). I've definitely had my fair share of the generic ones though.

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[quote ]  A fellow survivor said to me, while she was trying to get at me, that maybe I should try girls as men are not for me. They don't treat me well. 

Why didn't i think of just changing the way I look at women sexually? What a genius idea! Because women have always been kind to me and never treated me poorly.  [/quote] 

I remember that Moose_Muffin and I fumed about it for months and months. She was a real piece of work. I hope that she's in a better place emotionally and that she's ashamed of her words.

I hope that you too are in a better place emotionally and that good things happened in the meantime. 

Camellia

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- “Maybe he was abused too when he was young, ever think of that when you get angry?” My ex-mother-in-law. Do I have to give a shit?


- At the therapist's office waiting room, there's a new cleaning lady. I arrived an hour early and I don't feel like killing time in the mall where the office is. I usually wait here, so I greet her and sit, but the woman stares at me until she says "Dr Sara isn't here yet." I'm curious because I never saw this woman in my life. There's another therapist in this office, he treats OCD and substance abuse, but she assumed right away I'm being treated by the one specialized in SA.

"How do you know I'm waiting for her?" I ask.

"You're gorgeous, honey, you're on the raped side of the house." Well, thank you. uh... what?


-"You are destroying my life" his fiancée says just before the start of the trial. I try not to react, she's in denial.

"You should get away from him, he will hurt you too one day" I say, and she bares her teeth. "I hope someone rapes you again." Well, he's got that one covered if he's acquitted, my brain unhelpfully provides. 

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My mum:

”It’s terrible but that’s just what men do, you shouldn’t sleep near them, they all do it eventually. You should know better.”

 

My ex best friend:

”I thought you were over it, you stopped bringing it up” (because he got upset with me for bringing it up)

”I shouldn’t have to tread on eggshells about what to say just because you’ll have another mental breakdown” when he shouted at me and told me some experiences weren’t harassment or sexism and I cried because he was cruel about it. He also emphasised “another” because he liked to bring up me ruining a holiday two years before by having a breakdown in front of everyone.

 

My coworker knows about my assault and decided I was the best person to rant to when his ex accused him of having sex with her when she was too drunk. I was so uncomfortable and just stayed silent or gave monosyllabic answers.

A guy I know who on Facebook started this rant before he even knew his accuser was Male and he’d been known to do it for decades. 

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Sorry this is my first time on here. I've spent the last few hours reading a lot of these and I'm just besides myself on how insensitive some can be but I love seeing the support of other! 

I've grown up with verbal and physical abuse so I've never really had the best self esteem but I feel over that last few years it's just gotten worse. I've been pinned down and sexually assaulted in front of people who did nothing to stop and was raped about a year after that. 

One of the hardest comments I'm still trying to deal with was from my ex-best friend: 

"Why don't you just move on already. It's not like he'd ever or will ever feel guilty for what happened. It's just want guys do, they take what they want and don't feel guilty about it, just like my controlling ex (whom she still talks to)" 

I had no words when she said that. I'm still at a loss of words.

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This just happened last Wednesday with my aunt 

"You can control your triggers! Don't give them the power to trigger you! Control your nightmares! Control your flashbacks! its part of your fault that you got raped" 

I was so frustrated that I ended up telling "Oh, Can you control your ADHD? Oh!! Your fault that your dog died!!!" 

Then she stopped talking to me. 

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"That was a long time ago. You're fine now."

 

"He would never do that."

 

"Just have more sex and it'll fix your relationship."

 

"It happened because he plays D&D."

Seriously,  WTF?!!

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