Brehiri

Is it rape if...?

Recommended Posts

Guest Nicole K.

So the other day something happened and I have so many conflicting emotions about it that I want to share, maybe help clear things up with other voices. 

I am in a loving relationship. The other night, I stayed over at a male friends house, he's gay and good friends with my boyfriend. My friend's roommate was there and even though I hadn't done drugs besides smoking weed in many years, I made the stupid choice to do some cocaine. It was all in all a fun night, low key and chill. In the early morning I was falling asleep on the couch when my friend's roommate (who knows I'm in a relationship and has met my partner) started taking down my underwear and putting his fingers inside me. It's all so fuzzy, I was so tired and had also been drinking. I told him no, and he stopped for a moment, and then tried again. As far as I know, nothing happened beyond that. That's all I remember before waking up that afternoon. 

I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend. I feel like I lead the other guy on, maybe I was too friendly or something. I haven't told my boyfriend yet and I think it's for reasons I'm posting here. I'm of two minds:

 

1. I don't want him to freak out. I'm so worried that if he confronts the guy, he'll find out I was doing drugs and I really don't want him to think less of me for that.

2. I'm worried that he'll say it's no big deal and I'll feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. 

 

I can't stop fixating on what happened but at the same time there's a part of me that says it's no big deal and just move on. I'm so confused.

I would welcome any and all thoughts and advice. Thank you wonderful people !

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
mbholly

Hi Nicole,

I am sorry this happened. You did not consent and what happened was not your fault. I don’t think you are overreacting at all. You could reach out to your local rape crisis center for some support.

It can be hard to make a decision about disclosing abuse to a loved one. If you do tell, I hope you get the support you deserve.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest questioning

I think I know the answer... but i need to put this somewhere... just get this out of my mind and not all bottled up.   i think this is going to be long and complicated, and for that i am sorry.  

is it rape if we're married but haven't had sex in months... until one night i get fall down drunk (while you're still sober)?  You got on top of me after I had fallen down and started kissing me. when was the last time we kissed?  june? is it rape if i asked you to give me a back rub and then you took it farther (the menthol from the icy hot you used on my back burned once your hands went elsewhere)?  You said we didn't have to do anything if i didn't want to, but every time i tried to sit up, you would pull me back down.  Is it rape if i didn't say no (at least that I remember???)?  If I had an orgasm? If i reminded you to get a condom? If you've been so supportive of my healing process from CSA?  If I got drunk again and the same thing happened the next night?

i think maybe you just didn't know better. We're married after all. I was drunk and should have known better, too.

Is it rape if he doesn't know? Should he have known? Am I just overreacting?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Susan

Yes, you can be raped by your spouse. Sounds like you were saying no by trying to get up and get away? You are not able to consent if drunk or under the influence of drugs. Our bodies don't know the difference between good or bad touch - they respond to stimulation so orgasms are possible during rape. I'm sorry he doesn't show you the respect you deserve! I suggest you try explaining how it makes you feel when he does this while your drunk. If he's been supportive of your healing from CSA then he should be able to understand. Sending you strength and much care!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3kidsandaheadache
On 6/12/2017 at 8:51 AM, glitterandcupcakes said:

I am not arguing I seriously need to know, how is it rape of you say yes but don't really want to because they manipulate, nag, coerce, make you feel it's your duty?

 

According to my Google search result (I can't figure out what the actual url is), one definition for *force* is "coercion or compulsion, especially with the use or threat of violence." Imagine if you were fighting a person off and they keep fighting until you are too tired to fight anymore; that is force. If someone works at you over and over until you finally give in because you can't fight it anymore, that is force too. I had a boyfriend in high school who nagged and nagged me. Looking back I am surprised that I got up and left instead of giving in. It was probably because we had only been dating a few weeks and I didn't feel invested in the relationship. I did sit in his living room and fall asleep and then pretend to be asleep when he started touching me in an intimate way. I moved so that he removed his hands but I was too scared to get up and leave or tell him to stop touching me. Anyway, the truth about manipulation and coercion was hard for me grasp at first. We are inundated with messages telling us that the only rape victim is the person who screams and fights the whole time. Just looking around Pandy's it's obvious how many of us question whether what was done to us was assault. I'm so thankful for this site and all of the people on here who validate each other. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3kidsandaheadache
On 10/7/2018 at 10:53 AM, Guest questioning said:

I think I know the answer... but i need to put this somewhere... just get this out of my mind and not all bottled up.   i think this is going to be long and complicated, and for that i am sorry.  

is it rape if we're married but haven't had sex in months... until one night i get fall down drunk (while you're still sober)?  You got on top of me after I had fallen down and started kissing me. when was the last time we kissed?  june? is it rape if i asked you to give me a back rub and then you took it farther (the menthol from the icy hot you used on my back burned once your hands went elsewhere)?  You said we didn't have to do anything if i didn't want to, but every time i tried to sit up, you would pull me back down.  Is it rape if i didn't say no (at least that I remember???)?  If I had an orgasm? If i reminded you to get a condom? If you've been so supportive of my healing process from CSA?  If I got drunk again and the same thing happened the next night?

i think maybe you just didn't know better. We're married after all. I was drunk and should have known better, too.

Is it rape if he doesn't know? Should he have known? Am I just overreacting?

It was rape. I'm so sorry he did those things to you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest agurl

Hello. This is my first post and Im not sure exactly how it all works. Im feeling a little uncomfortable about even talking about it and if I should talk about the person in front of me or the proper ettiquette but im dealing with some stuff and I guess it fits here. My situation I feel like I set myself up. I feel like I should have known better. I try to tell myself it never happened I misunderstood I was to drunk. But for it to cross my mind everyday for the last 8 plus years im just feeling like thats alot for a situation that didnt happen. I wanted to be cool I wanted to impress a guy and I drank way to much I thought we were both drinking but when I took his cup bc I was out I realized it was juice. I was instantly alert to that but I didnt say anything I was scared. I was already to the point of stumbling and falling down. He was a kid of some family my family was friends with. I never expected anything bad. He had been fighting with his gf I thought he was cute. I had my own agenda at first. I wanted to hang out. Then I ended up in a lie of a drinking contest by myself. His gf kept calling I will never forget that. She had a special ringtone he mentioned earlier how oh shes psycho thats only her ringtone ignore it. I was psyshically just done. Thats why I want to believe I misunderstood. To be that drunk and to remember what I do makes no sense. He got on top of me I couldnt do anything I just said no and he put his hand over my mouth and said shh youll like it. He did what he did. Then that ringtone just over and over. I dont remember anything other than that really. I know I wasnt beat. I know I wasnt physically really hurt. I drank and I was attracted to him thats why I even hung out with him. I dont feel like I should have these issues yesrs later. I consider myself to be lucky because I didnt go through what other people have as sick as that sounds. I really tell myself some stuff. I just feel like it should go away or it didnt happen or I asked for it in someway but everytime I start down that path I remember the gut punch i felt when i tasted the juice and I knew something was wrong. He didnt want us on equal playing fields for some reason and I knew he drank I had seen him in plenty of social settings. So if all the stuff I want to feed myself is true then why does that fear stick out so much. I really struggle with calling myself a survivor or victim or anything. When I see psychiatrist I wont talk about. I drop this little bombshell and wont talk about it. I want to discuss all the other issues and if they keep coming back to that I will just quit going. I never spoke his name or saw him again or did anything. I didnt tell anyone for years actually the first time it ever came up is when I was dealing with my drug issues. I went off the deepend bad after that. Truthfully  I look back at that time and I think he made me feel worthless. So I really began to treat myself pretty worthless. I had no self respect after that which is also really contradictory to how I feel like I should have reacted after that situation. And overall with my rant if you cant tell im just struggling. And Im tired. Im so tired of the anxiety and the memories and I really thought it would go away. It wasnt that bad I slept with plenty people all these things i tell myself. And its still in my head everyday and I dont know where it stops or how to go another direction. I can talk about it right now because you all dont know me but looking someone in the eye and saying it. Id rather call myself a liar all day long like I have but its not making anything better. I feel so lost and trapped at the same time. I need help trying to accept or idk what really. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Susan

Hi agurl,

I hope you go ahead and complete your registration. You deserve all the support you can get!

You were already impaired when you drank his juice - he planned it this way except possibly you learning he was only drinking juice. I'm so sorry. None of us really wants to experience the pain from examining the truth of what happened. Sounds like you self medicated with drugs to avoid the pain. You were raped hon. He knew beforehand what he was going to do. Sick bastard angry with girlfriend. I do hope you can discuss this further with your therapist. We're here if you'd like to share with us. You are not alone!

:hug::hug::hug:

Peace to you,

Susan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.