Brehiri

Is it rape if...?

96 posts in this topic

Quote

 

"If you are a prostitute and you say "no", it is still rape."


 

Saying this to a victim is all well and good, but unfortunately, society still says you're wrong about that one.

I mean, even according to this very website's guidelines if that exact scenario had happened to someone on here, that person would not be able to talk about it on these forums  because the guidelines clearly read;

"You may not use the board, including the email or PM services, to discuss illegal activities you or anyone else are contemplating or have committed, whether past, present, or future. See this thread for more information."

Prostitutes or sex workers have no real legal recourse against rape without getting into trouble themselves. And they have no way of revealing their abuse without revealing their secrets and destroying themselves. Until laws are changed, and minds are swayed, unfortunately this is one category of abuse victims that society doesn't think deserves a voice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
51 minutes ago, frostylemon said:

Saying this to a victim is all well and good, but unfortunately, society still says you're wrong about that one.

I mean, even according to this very website's guidelines if that exact scenario had happened to someone on here, that person would not be able to talk about it on these forums  because the guidelines clearly read;

"You may not use the board, including the email or PM services, to discuss illegal activities you or anyone else are contemplating or have committed, whether past, present, or future. See this thread for more information."

Prostitutes or sex workers have no real legal recourse against rape without getting into trouble themselves. And they have no way of revealing their abuse without revealing their secrets and destroying themselves. Until laws are changed, and minds are swayed, unfortunately this is one category of abuse victims that society doesn't think deserves a voice.

Hi frostylemon,

Technically everything discussed on our forums falls into illegal acts. That guideline is intended to stop folks from posting revenge plots or discussing violence against others. Here is some clarification of this rule.

We have many members who have or still are working in the sex industry. Society in general has a lot of needed changes. Our belief is if someone says no -verbally or physically - then it is rape. Some are unable to communicate at all because they freeze but we offer support to all. 

Susan

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, I just googled some forums about sexual assault and I found this one; I hope it's still active. I think what happened to me is sexual assault but it sometimes still bothers me that it isn't like... cut and dry? I think I might just need confirmation or validation. Anyway, this is my story.

I went to my parents' cabin with a few very close friends during the summer. I have gotten drunk and had fun with them in the past and there hadn't been any issues apart from the usual teen/young adult consequences (throwing up, hangover, spilled drinks, etc.). So I had a party one night and eventually everyone either went to bed or fell asleep on the couches, except for me and one other guy. We had all been drinking quite a bit, myself included, and I'd say I was pretty drunk. He and I were cuddling, which I was fine with as I've cuddled with a lot of my friends before (including him) and nothing happened. Then he started to feel me up, which I think I was alright with. At any rate, my body responded, but after a while I wasn't too sure if I was ok with it so I told him I wanted to go upstairs to get another drink. I still sort of feel like I should have just told him I was going to bed, but oh well. So I got up, but then he said that he wanted another drink too and followed me upstairs. At this point I realized I was quite drunk and I really didn't want him to make a move on me, so I poured myself another drink just to sort of busy myself with/to sort of ignore him. Then he came up behind me and he kept feeling me up, but I didn't really do anything; I just stood there. Then eventually he kissed me. I like kinda reciprocated but I mostly had my eyes open and I wasn't enjoying it. Then he asked if I wanted to come upstairs (the house has 3 levels), and I said sure even though I was honestly just really tired and drunk and I just wanted to go to sleep. But we went upstairs and he like kinda pushed me back on a pull-out couch thing and kept kissing/feeling me up. I went limp and didn't say/do much and pretty much kept my eyes open. Then he asked "is this ok?" and I said yes because I didn't want him to feel bad and I felt awkward. Then he put his hands down my shorts and started to finger me, but my shorts were kinda getting in the way. I think it was at this point or right before when I was like “what about you and [girl's name]” (the girl that he was sort of seeing and who was also in the house at the time) and he said “we’re just fucking.” At another point he asked again if it was ok, but I was pretty drunk and wanted to sleep/pretend this wasn't happening so I didn't really respond, so he asked again and I said "uhhhh yyeaaah..." I was still limp at this point. Then he asked if he could take off my shorts and I said “no” and he just kinda went “…uh ok,” so instead he just pulled them farther down my thighs (without fully taking them off) and kept fingering me. Then after a while of me like not responding to him fingering/kissing me and him trying to get me to respond, he was like “are you going to do anything?,” and I said “probably not.” Then he stopped and kinda moved to the side so I sat up and said I was tired (I think?). Then he laid down and I sat on the side of the bed and like panicked for a bit, and I think he patted me on the back or something then I left.

Two close friends of mine, one of them being the girl that he was sort of seeing, ended up deciding to still be friends with him afterwards, despite them claiming to believe me 100%. I no longer talk to them (or him). He even admitted that what he did was wrong (to the girl he was kinda seeing). I guess they just didn't think it was bad enough, and the girl he was kinda seeing said that he felt guilty and cried to her about it, so I guess that's why she's still friends (or maybe in a relationship) with him? 

I just feel horrible about all of this still. It happened in the summer and I ended up dealing with it in October (I cut ties with all 3 of them). I have been seeing a therapist since September, so don't worry I'm getting professional help (for this and other things). Thanks for reading.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my boyfriend raped me 1 year and 7 days ago. i still think about it everyday, I haven't told anyone in my life and I'm not pressing charges. i don't want everyone to make a big deal and i don't want it to be my identity as 'the girl who got raped'. no one knows in my life and its eating me up. I've never spoken about it out loud to anyone. i am constantly triggered by small comments i overhear at school or on tv, its everywhere always and i don't know how to manage it anymore. i have intense waves of depression when there is nothing to distract me. when I'm alone with my thoughts all i can do is relive the night. it has destroyed the last year for me, i met someone else and i think we could have had something really special but i ended it because it was too difficult to keep my suffering from him. i need help. does anyone have any advice, how do you deal with this and still I've a normal life? or is this just how I'm going to be for the rest of my life

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi i need to talk,

What you're experiencing is perfectly normal for the trauma you've survived. You do not need to be this way forever. It is hard work but I strongly suggest you seek some form of counseling with a professional. You can also join this community and learn how others have moved forward. Sending you much care, and safe :hug:'s. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel so lost and confused. My ex boyfriend and I were almost 3 years together. From my 16th to 19th. I lived with him every Friday to Monday morning. This relationship was full of abuse. It started after approximaty 3-4 months. Its really weird but I don’t really remember the first time it happened.  He pressured me into having sex everyday I was with him. During the day I could sometimes refuse but I had to perform oral sex on him and he always pressured to perform oral sex on me. He literally just pulled down my pants, hold my legs and did it. I kept saying no, stop, tried to make him stop but he never did. At night he would let me refuse intercourse. Every night he would be manipulating me, telling me I was a bad girlfriend, and kept asking me for sex for hours on end, until it was so late and I was so tired that I would just give in. If I didn’t give in soon enough he would get aggressive, scream, sometimes harm himself, or walk away from home. In the beginning of our relationship I tried to refuse sex but his parents couldn’t sleep because he would be screaming etc. Next day they would be angry at us. After a few months I learned that I just had to let it happen before it got to bad. It happened countless times. I learned to just lay quiet and think about something else. On very rare nights when he would let me sleep he had sex with me when I was asleep, or he just masturbated and came inside of me. I consider this rape but I keep thinking that I overreact because I gave in with having sex most of the time in the end. Also I think it’s weird that I don’t exactly remember the start of the abuse. I don’t remember so much. Also it took me two years to call this sexual abuse and rape. I just feel like I don’t deserve the therapy I applied for. When applying I told my GP i was raped during my relationship but I feel like I am a liar. I also feel like my therapist will consider me a liar when she hears all this details that I shared here. 

But I feel terrible about the whole situation. Having flashbacks everyday, can’t be touched in general, can’t even think about kissing with someone.  Its on my mind all day everyday. Sometimes I feel hate towards my abuser but most days I feel like I’m overreacted and lied to my therapist to call it ‘rape’. Can someone please give opinions about this? Am I overreacting, is it my fault? Am I a liar for calling this rape?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi LostGirl,

I am sorry for what you went through with your boyfriend. I don’t think you are lying, overreacting, or exaggerating. It does not sound like you consented to what you describe.  You had every right to choose for yourself if you wanted to have sex. It sounds like you were coerced and forced and that is so wrong. I am sure your therapist will not judge you and will be supportive.

Thinking of you,

Mary Beth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi not sure if people are still using this site.... I'm male ... when I was 17  I had a friend I hung around.... Met his older sister and her husband and kids.. we all got along great .... One night they invited me over for dinner and movie... they waited for the kids to go to bed.. so movies started about 9:30 ... was over close to midnight ,, they said why not just spend the night  so I did .. I woke up and my zipper was down ..I didn't think nothing of it .. being a teen I could have done it in my sleep .. about 3 weeks later they invited me over again same thing we eat ,, waited for the kids to go to bed then watched the movie...again the movie was over close to midnight ,,, she brought a blanket and pillow out and said just stay the night .. thought I'm not driving home at that hr...I woke up to someone sucking on me.. doing oral.... I didn't know what to do .. so I just laid there ..being that age never felt it that good like what I was feeling .. thought wow ,, she's good.. I climaxed and she got up and was walking to the bedroom and coughed to my surprise it was him ....my heart just sunk ,, I was so embarrassed ..we always hung around at times... one time he said something like you don't want secrets to get around ...I definitely didn't want his wife to know ,, or any of my family or friends .. to have what have happened ... this happened 3 more times.. I knew if I went there he might do the same thing ..but if I didn't go ,, his wife and kids always begged me to come over,, so confused I went ,, yup towards morning I wake to him doing it again ,, again I didn't want to say anything ,, didn't want his  wife to wake what would she say ,, and what would she think of me....I didn't know who I could talk with ,, or how to stop it .. fear that he would tell people ... 2 months passed and the kids said won't I come over and play games with them and him and her said ya come over you have not been there in a while.. in fear of him saying something I went ... I woke up to my pants and underwear down to my knees and him sucking on me .. this time I moaned and turned on my side way from him .. he left .. dummy me I didn't pull my pants up just laid there ... next thing I hear him coming back I turned my back to him more ,,, and I felt something cold on my butt.. I moaned thinking he would leave again .. next thing I felt something hard against me ,, I moved a little he reached around and started stroking me ,, I moved my hips away from his hand and pressed against something hard, next thing he was in me ... I don't remember much I was in a daze ...next thing I'm climaxing and he made a few noises and he pulled out ,, I was so sore .. he got up and walked to the bedroom ,, all I could think of ,, why all these times I couldn't say no why ... I pulled my under ware up . .. laying there what should I do ... I felt something dripping out of me my under ware had a big wet spot and the couch had a wet spot I got so nervous I left... never talked to them again ...  for years I blocked it out of my mind .. I was married and one night me and the wife were playing around ,, I used a toy on her and it slipped and went in her butt , we both laughed about it ,, then she grabbed the toy and said fair is fair ,, she put it in me.. she couldn't believe how excited I got , but in my mind was thinking of what happened at those people house... and why was I feeling excited ,, I hated what he did,, what's wrong with me ,, she  divorced me 3 years later.. lately I been dreaming of what he did ,, why am I dreaming of that and feel excited about it , when in my mind its such a bad disgusting thing ,feel sick to my stomach , so confused and don't know who I can talk with I can trust . I don't want my friends or family to know ,, don't want them to think I did things with a guy .... if I didn't say no .... or try to push him away ... being in shock ,, and ashamed was it my fault ....is that considered sexual assault .. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If all this is true what the original poster said, I've been raped many times, and yes, I'm one of those sex workers trying to exit the industry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry that happened to you Cheryl.  I know it's hard to leave the sex industry, and I want you to ALWAYS know that nobody has the right to rape you.  It doesn't matter what your job is.  Rape is so much about power and control.  I was trafficked as a child and teen so I know how brutal that world is.

Sending you hugs and care

Patricia

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On 6/12/2017 at 11:13 AM, Brehiri said:

The first time it happened I asked If you change your mind at any point for any reason, and she doesn't back off IMMEDIATELY, or at all, it is still rape?

I stopped saying stop or no, it hadn't gone well the one time I did.  I have asked myself these more times than I can count.

If you didn't say no, but you didn't say yes, it is still rape?

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape?

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape?

 

I mean if you don't say anything can someone rape you and not realize they are doing it?

Edited by serena
notify me of replies

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, would someone be able to say more to me about this part:

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

When I read it just now I broke down crying, because this is exactly what I've been stuck on. The first times I was raped (a few years ago, by my boyfriend-at-the-time), I froze up and checked out. And I know that was still rape, even though I didn't say no. He knew I didn't want it, and he did it anyway. (After the first time he even told me that he knew I didn't want it, and he cried until I said it was ok and comforted him.)

But more recently a man (supposedly a friend) tried to hit on me when we were alone in my apartment and I panicked. I didn't want to have sex with him - I wanted to run or scream - but I was frozen. I kept trying to think of a way out, but all my thought processes just ended in a dark blankness, it was like my mind was shutting down. And the longer I sat there frozen, the more terrified I felt. I needed to do something to get out and the only option I could see was to turn my head towards him and let him kiss me. So I did, and he did kiss me. And I kissed back. I was 'enthusiastic' for a minute or so - just until I knew that sex was definitely going to happen. And then once it was clear that it was, I checked out again and let it happen.

I know I didn't want it. I know I was terrified. And most of the time I think he must've known that too (and if he didn't... well that's a problem in itself). But sometimes I doubt myself. I think that it was my fault. That if I'd done something differently, none of this would have happened. I let him think that I wanted it and now I've messed myself up and I've hurt my (new) boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. And it just makes me feel so worthless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No one, is at fault here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is it rape, if u really wanted to have sex with the person at some point but not at the moment that u experienced ur first sexual encounter with them because u knew u weren't ready to lose ur virginity?

Is it rape, if it happened too quickly for u to react with a yes or no?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎4‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 3:44 PM, serena said:

I mean if you don't say anything can someone rape you and not realize they are doing it?

Hi Serena,
 

Quote

 

I stopped saying stop or no, it hadn't gone well the one time I did.  I have asked myself these more times than I can count.

If you didn't say no, but you didn't say yes, it is still rape?

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape?

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape?

 

 

If you stopped saying no, you had already said no and he still didn't stop. You shouldn't have to repeat yourself. You said no. It continued so it is rape.

If you didn't say yes, with your words or your actions then it is rape. Being coerced into saying yes is not consent.

If you did anything because you were scared, it is coercion. Often the safest course of action to get out alive is to go along with it. You were coerced, so it is rape. You did what you had to do to stay alive. You did what you had to do to minimize the damage even though what happened to you was still horrific. 

Many people freeze when they are afraid. That is a very normal response to a dangerous situation. 

I am sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎4‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 11:57 AM, wanttobebigger said:

Hey, would someone be able to say more to me about this part:

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

When I read it just now I broke down crying, because this is exactly what I've been stuck on. The first times I was raped (a few years ago, by my boyfriend-at-the-time), I froze up and checked out. And I know that was still rape, even though I didn't say no. He knew I didn't want it, and he did it anyway. (After the first time he even told me that he knew I didn't want it, and he cried until I said it was ok and comforted him.)

But more recently a man (supposedly a friend) tried to hit on me when we were alone in my apartment and I panicked. I didn't want to have sex with him - I wanted to run or scream - but I was frozen. I kept trying to think of a way out, but all my thought processes just ended in a dark blankness, it was like my mind was shutting down. And the longer I sat there frozen, the more terrified I felt. I needed to do something to get out and the only option I could see was to turn my head towards him and let him kiss me. So I did, and he did kiss me. And I kissed back. I was 'enthusiastic' for a minute or so - just until I knew that sex was definitely going to happen. And then once it was clear that it was, I checked out again and let it happen.

I know I didn't want it. I know I was terrified. And most of the time I think he must've known that too (and if he didn't... well that's a problem in itself). But sometimes I doubt myself. I think that it was my fault. That if I'd done something differently, none of this would have happened. I let him think that I wanted it and now I've messed myself up and I've hurt my (new) boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. And it just makes me feel so worthless.

 

Hi wanttobebigger,

Freezing is a normal and common response to a dangerous situation. You did what you had to do in order to get out of there as unharmed as possible. People can turn dangerously violent in a very short amount of time. You didn't feel you had options, you didn't feel like you had a choice. He knew you didn't want to do it yet he continued. I am so sorry this happened to you and that the guy didn't respect you. This was not your fault. The shame is all on him. I don't think you are worthless but I understand the feeling. I think you were brave and resourceful because you survived. 

Sending support and strength :hug: 

Brehiri 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Quote

 

Is it rape, if u really wanted to have sex with the person at some point but not at the moment that u experienced ur first sexual encounter with them because u knew u weren't ready to lose ur virginity?

Is it rape, if it happened too quickly for u to react with a yes or no?

 

Hi Guest J217,

If it happened too quickly for you to consent then it was rape. I'm sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault :hug: I hope you consider joining the forums. I think you could find a lot of support here.

Take gentle care,

Brehiri

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/27/2018 at 11:41 AM, Guest i need to talk said:

my boyfriend raped me 1 year and 7 days ago. i still think about it everyday, I haven't told anyone in my life and I'm not pressing charges. i don't want everyone to make a big deal and i don't want it to be my identity as 'the girl who got raped'. no one knows in my life and its eating me up. I've never spoken about it out loud to anyone. i am constantly triggered by small comments i overhear at school or on tv, its everywhere always and i don't know how to manage it anymore. i have intense waves of depression when there is nothing to distract me. when I'm alone with my thoughts all i can do is relive the night. it has destroyed the last year for me, i met someone else and i think we could have had something really special but i ended it because it was too difficult to keep my suffering from him. i need help. does anyone have any advice, how do you deal with this and still I've a normal life? or is this just how I'm going to be for the rest of my life

I was coerced into sex in two previous relationships, and the second one threatened to rape me, he said "I will fuck you whether you like it or not". I have a hard time calling it rape just as you do, I know it is technically rape but I would say no so long fights would start and I would just say yes to stop the fight and eventually just say yes just before one would start just to avoid it, I consider it coerced into sex. It made sexual contact with my current boyfriend hard at first.. I found out sharing that with him helped... one time I started crying and pushed him away and he couldn't understand what he did wrong and it took me two days to open up and tell him that he said something that my ex used to say and instead of a reaction I feared he held me and letting me cry and told me he how he was sorry that happened to me and was just their to listen. This was a few months into our relationship and made it very strong. I never reported this but I have spoke to therapists and my doctor as I am on anti depressants, they help me feel comfortable with myself. not feeling alone and seeking support is the best decision I have made. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 01/05/2018 at 6:40 PM, Brehiri said:

Hi wanttobebigger,

Freezing is a normal and common response to a dangerous situation. You did what you had to do in order to get out of there as unharmed as possible. People can turn dangerously violent in a very short amount of time. You didn't feel you had options, you didn't feel like you had a choice. He knew you didn't want to do it yet he continued. I am so sorry this happened to you and that the guy didn't respect you. This was not your fault. The shame is all on him. I don't think you are worthless but I understand the feeling. I think you were brave and resourceful because you survived. 

Sending support and strength :hug: 

Brehiri 

Thank you so much for replying (and for starting this thread in the first place - it's so important and valuable).

I still feel confused. I just keep thinking... well, I was enthusiastic. I wanted to make him believe that i wanted it. And so made he did and maybe he did nothing wrong. But I don't think that's true. There are so many things I can point to in his behaviour before and after that clearly weren't ok. It wasn't the behaviour of someone who wanted to make sure the other person felt comfortable and free to say no, it was the behaviour of someone who just wanted one thing and didn't care about hurting me in order to get it. I just struggle to make myself hold onto that belief.

I'm finding the quote in your signature really helpful though. My mind is reacting to the wrongness in a confused way, and struggling to assign the blame where it belongs. It belongs on him.

I think I will keep having to come back to this to remind myself because I doubt myself so often now. But at least I have this to come back to now. Thank you again.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/06/2017 at 0:31 PM, Brehiri said:

Saying no multiple times and then saying "yes" once is not the same as real consent. "No" means "no."      "No" does not mean "Keep trying and maybe I'll change my mind if you keep pestering me".  "Yes" doesn't really mean "yes" if you don't feel able to say "no", for any reason. If you are not actively and willingly consenting, it is still a no, even if you say nothing.

Coercion works for all kinds of reasons, from fear of violence or emotional repercussions to just wanting to sleep. Any sexual act that you don't give your full consent to begin with, is rape.

A couple of months ago, I had an experience where I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend. The thing is, I didn't really want to have sex and I don't think I was ready. I feel like this is what happened to me but I'm not sure. I think it definitely was some form of sexual assault, but I'm intimidated by the word "rape". It's associated with so many horrific things and I don't feel like this was that bad. There were also so many complicating factors that make me doubt that that's what had happened and I kind of feel like it was my fault. Regardless, it was still a really uncomfortable experience and I'm afraid it will affect my ability to be intimate with future partners. 

Anyway, here's what happened:

I was visiting my ex (who I was in a long distance relationship with) and I planned on staying the night with him. A little backstory on him: he had been in an abusive relationship and had been raped by his abuser in the past. Because of this, he had issues with sex and intimacy, so we were taking things slowly. Plus, I was also a virgin and I wanted to wait until I was 100% ready to have sex. By this point, we did have a healthy sexual relationship and felt comfortable with each other, but we hadn't had sex yet.

Anyway, I arrived at his place on a Saturday evening, excited to see him. Throughout the evening, he kept saying, "hey, I think I might be comfortable having sex with you." This took me by surprise - we had not seriously talked about having sex before that moment. Every time he said that, I kept saying things like, "I don't think I'm ready for that" or "I don't know if I'm ready" and the discussion would end there.

Sunday morning, after waking up, we were being physically intimate with each other (by this I mean engaging in sexual acts without sex). :trigger: *This part may be a little graphic. Read at your own discretion* At one point, as I was lying down and he was leaning over me, he began rubbing over and around my vagina with the tip of his penis. This felt good to me physically, but it was also making me a little nervous because I didn't feel ready to go further. He continued to do this for a while and asked, "do you want me to put it in?" I just said, "I don't know." What happened after is a little blurry in my mind and I might not be retelling the events in the exact order that they happened in, but this is roughly what happened: he continued rubbing and asking repeatedly if he could penetrate me. I kept saying I wasn't sure. I asked him if he was sure and he said with a laugh, "of course I am! I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't." At one point, when he asked again, I responded, "I don't know, I'm scared." When he asked why, I didn't say anything. I think I was scared because I didn't think I was ready to have sex, but I didn't say that. The situation was making me seriously uncomfortable and I didn't really feel like I could say no. His reply was, "if you're scared because it's your first time, don't worry. I'll take care of it. It's normal to be nervous." I remember he repeated that a couple of times. I don't think I said anything to that. He continued to ask, and at one point, I asked if he had a condom. He said no. I said, "I don't think we should have sex without a condom." I don't remember what he said to that. After that, he just kept asking and asking and asking. At some point, I said yes and he went for it. I remember it hurt a lot. After trying and failing to penetrate me (because I would wince in pain every time he tried), he stopped and asked, "do you want to keep going or do you want leave this for another time?" I told him to keep going. I think I just wanted to get it over with. I kept thinking, if I just get this over with, maybe it won't be so bad the next time we do it. I think I also told him that because I thought it was what he wanted to hear. I asked him if he wanted to keep going and he said, "I think so" (more on this later) and penetrated me again. After that he had sex with me for a while. I remember feeling empty and uncomfortable, but I just let it happen. After a couple of minutes, he stopped because he was no longer physically aroused. After this, we kissed for a bit and then he became aroused again. He asked if we could have sex again. The way he asked, though, was in such a way that it was clear to me that it was solely about his pleasure. I remember exactly what he said word for word, but I won't say it here because it's a little graphic and also kind of upsetting for me to think about. It made me feel awful. When he asked, I just said "okay." Then I remember I was lying there with my legs apart, not moving, while he did what he wanted. I felt really used and empty. It felt like he was using my body to masturbate. :trigger:

Over the next couple of days, we didn't speak much. I would reach out to him but he didn't seem to want to talk. When he would talk to me, he would give me vague answers and acted distant. Eventually, three days after everything happened, he told me between panic attacks that he didn't feel like he was ready to have sex when we did. I said I didn't think I was ready to have sex either. We weren't able to discuss it further because I couldn't bring it up without him having a panic attack.

This was all very upsetting for me. I felt like I had just had sex with him to make him happy. I didn't even want to. But if he didn't either, then what was the point? Why did it even happen? Months later, I asked him why it happened and he told me that it was because I had implied I wanted to have sex. I was outraged when he said this. I remember I felt betrayed, angry, used, violated, tainted because it had happened. But at the same time, I also felt awful about it because I felt like I should've been able to tell that he didn't want to. I thought he had stopped to ask if I wanted to continue because he was concerned that I was in pain, but in hindsight, it was probably because he was having doubts about whether or not he wanted to continue. The fact that he was no longer aroused after a while was probably also because he wasn't entirely comfortable with it. What I feel the most guilty about, though, was for not stopping him when he said "I think so" instead of yes. I think if my mind had been clearer, I would've told him we didn't have to if he didn't want to. But I didn't say anything. I don't know why. I feel terrible because of it.

I think I resent him a lot for what he did. I want to forgive him, but I can't seem to make peace with it. I'm not really sure why it happened, but I think it happened for reasons neither of us could control. When I talked to him about it, he said he wasn't really thinking when it happened. He told me that sometimes, when it comes to sex and intimacy, there is a disconnect between his mind and body, and he ends up doing things he doesn't want to do. He said that sometimes his body wants to do something that his mind doesn't, but his body ends up taking control and he can't stop it. He calls it "being on autopilot." In the context of his past abuse, I understand why he might've done this, but that doesn't really make me feel better about it.

Anyway, I have a lot of mixed feelings about my experience losing my virginity to him. I don't really know what to call this. I feel like it's my fault it happened, but I also feel like it's his fault and I'm angry at him for it. The thought of having sex again with anybody makes me feel sick. But part of me also feels like I'm just overreacting and that I shouldn't be feeling the way that I do.

Did he rape me? Am I right for feeling the way that I do about this situation?

Edited by mari

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

  Only 75 emoticons maximum are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor