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Is it rape if...?


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Guest i need to talk

my boyfriend raped me 1 year and 7 days ago. i still think about it everyday, I haven't told anyone in my life and I'm not pressing charges. i don't want everyone to make a big deal and i don't want it to be my identity as 'the girl who got raped'. no one knows in my life and its eating me up. I've never spoken about it out loud to anyone. i am constantly triggered by small comments i overhear at school or on tv, its everywhere always and i don't know how to manage it anymore. i have intense waves of depression when there is nothing to distract me. when I'm alone with my thoughts all i can do is relive the night. it has destroyed the last year for me, i met someone else and i think we could have had something really special but i ended it because it was too difficult to keep my suffering from him. i need help. does anyone have any advice, how do you deal with this and still I've a normal life? or is this just how I'm going to be for the rest of my life

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Hi i need to talk,

What you're experiencing is perfectly normal for the trauma you've survived. You do not need to be this way forever. It is hard work but I strongly suggest you seek some form of counseling with a professional. You can also join this community and learn how others have moved forward. Sending you much care, and safe :hug:'s. 

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Guest Lostgirl

I feel so lost and confused. My ex boyfriend and I were almost 3 years together. From my 16th to 19th. I lived with him every Friday to Monday morning. This relationship was full of abuse. It started after approximaty 3-4 months. Its really weird but I don’t really remember the first time it happened.  He pressured me into having sex everyday I was with him. During the day I could sometimes refuse but I had to perform oral sex on him and he always pressured to perform oral sex on me. He literally just pulled down my pants, hold my legs and did it. I kept saying no, stop, tried to make him stop but he never did. At night he would let me refuse intercourse. Every night he would be manipulating me, telling me I was a bad girlfriend, and kept asking me for sex for hours on end, until it was so late and I was so tired that I would just give in. If I didn’t give in soon enough he would get aggressive, scream, sometimes harm himself, or walk away from home. In the beginning of our relationship I tried to refuse sex but his parents couldn’t sleep because he would be screaming etc. Next day they would be angry at us. After a few months I learned that I just had to let it happen before it got to bad. It happened countless times. I learned to just lay quiet and think about something else. On very rare nights when he would let me sleep he had sex with me when I was asleep, or he just masturbated and came inside of me. I consider this rape but I keep thinking that I overreact because I gave in with having sex most of the time in the end. Also I think it’s weird that I don’t exactly remember the start of the abuse. I don’t remember so much. Also it took me two years to call this sexual abuse and rape. I just feel like I don’t deserve the therapy I applied for. When applying I told my GP i was raped during my relationship but I feel like I am a liar. I also feel like my therapist will consider me a liar when she hears all this details that I shared here. 

But I feel terrible about the whole situation. Having flashbacks everyday, can’t be touched in general, can’t even think about kissing with someone.  Its on my mind all day everyday. Sometimes I feel hate towards my abuser but most days I feel like I’m overreacted and lied to my therapist to call it ‘rape’. Can someone please give opinions about this? Am I overreacting, is it my fault? Am I a liar for calling this rape?

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Hi LostGirl,

I am sorry for what you went through with your boyfriend. I don’t think you are lying, overreacting, or exaggerating. It does not sound like you consented to what you describe.  You had every right to choose for yourself if you wanted to have sex. It sounds like you were coerced and forced and that is so wrong. I am sure your therapist will not judge you and will be supportive.

Thinking of you,

Mary Beth

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Guest countryguy44

Hi not sure if people are still using this site.... I'm male ... when I was 17  I had a friend I hung around.... Met his older sister and her husband and kids.. we all got along great .... One night they invited me over for dinner and movie... they waited for the kids to go to bed.. so movies started about 9:30 ... was over close to midnight ,, they said why not just spend the night  so I did .. I woke up and my zipper was down ..I didn't think nothing of it .. being a teen I could have done it in my sleep .. about 3 weeks later they invited me over again same thing we eat ,, waited for the kids to go to bed then watched the movie...again the movie was over close to midnight ,,, she brought a blanket and pillow out and said just stay the night .. thought I'm not driving home at that hr...I woke up to someone sucking on me.. doing oral.... I didn't know what to do .. so I just laid there ..being that age never felt it that good like what I was feeling .. thought wow ,, she's good.. I climaxed and she got up and was walking to the bedroom and coughed to my surprise it was him ....my heart just sunk ,, I was so embarrassed ..we always hung around at times... one time he said something like you don't want secrets to get around ...I definitely didn't want his wife to know ,, or any of my family or friends .. to have what have happened ... this happened 3 more times.. I knew if I went there he might do the same thing ..but if I didn't go ,, his wife and kids always begged me to come over,, so confused I went ,, yup towards morning I wake to him doing it again ,, again I didn't want to say anything ,, didn't want his  wife to wake what would she say ,, and what would she think of me....I didn't know who I could talk with ,, or how to stop it .. fear that he would tell people ... 2 months passed and the kids said won't I come over and play games with them and him and her said ya come over you have not been there in a while.. in fear of him saying something I went ... I woke up to my pants and underwear down to my knees and him sucking on me .. this time I moaned and turned on my side way from him .. he left .. dummy me I didn't pull my pants up just laid there ... next thing I hear him coming back I turned my back to him more ,,, and I felt something cold on my butt.. I moaned thinking he would leave again .. next thing I felt something hard against me ,, I moved a little he reached around and started stroking me ,, I moved my hips away from his hand and pressed against something hard, next thing he was in me ... I don't remember much I was in a daze ...next thing I'm climaxing and he made a few noises and he pulled out ,, I was so sore .. he got up and walked to the bedroom ,, all I could think of ,, why all these times I couldn't say no why ... I pulled my under ware up . .. laying there what should I do ... I felt something dripping out of me my under ware had a big wet spot and the couch had a wet spot I got so nervous I left... never talked to them again ...  for years I blocked it out of my mind .. I was married and one night me and the wife were playing around ,, I used a toy on her and it slipped and went in her butt , we both laughed about it ,, then she grabbed the toy and said fair is fair ,, she put it in me.. she couldn't believe how excited I got , but in my mind was thinking of what happened at those people house... and why was I feeling excited ,, I hated what he did,, what's wrong with me ,, she  divorced me 3 years later.. lately I been dreaming of what he did ,, why am I dreaming of that and feel excited about it , when in my mind its such a bad disgusting thing ,feel sick to my stomach , so confused and don't know who I can talk with I can trust . I don't want my friends or family to know ,, don't want them to think I did things with a guy .... if I didn't say no .... or try to push him away ... being in shock ,, and ashamed was it my fault ....is that considered sexual assault .. 

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Guest Cheryll

If all this is true what the original poster said, I've been raped many times, and yes, I'm one of those sex workers trying to exit the industry.

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I'm sorry that happened to you Cheryl.  I know it's hard to leave the sex industry, and I want you to ALWAYS know that nobody has the right to rape you.  It doesn't matter what your job is.  Rape is so much about power and control.  I was trafficked as a child and teen so I know how brutal that world is.

Sending you hugs and care

Patricia

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On 6/12/2017 at 11:13 AM, Brehiri said:

The first time it happened I asked If you change your mind at any point for any reason, and she doesn't back off IMMEDIATELY, or at all, it is still rape?

I stopped saying stop or no, it hadn't gone well the one time I did.  I have asked myself these more times than I can count.

If you didn't say no, but you didn't say yes, it is still rape?

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape?

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape?

 

I mean if you don't say anything can someone rape you and not realize they are doing it?

Edited by serena
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wanttobebigger

Hey, would someone be able to say more to me about this part:

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

When I read it just now I broke down crying, because this is exactly what I've been stuck on. The first times I was raped (a few years ago, by my boyfriend-at-the-time), I froze up and checked out. And I know that was still rape, even though I didn't say no. He knew I didn't want it, and he did it anyway. (After the first time he even told me that he knew I didn't want it, and he cried until I said it was ok and comforted him.)

But more recently a man (supposedly a friend) tried to hit on me when we were alone in my apartment and I panicked. I didn't want to have sex with him - I wanted to run or scream - but I was frozen. I kept trying to think of a way out, but all my thought processes just ended in a dark blankness, it was like my mind was shutting down. And the longer I sat there frozen, the more terrified I felt. I needed to do something to get out and the only option I could see was to turn my head towards him and let him kiss me. So I did, and he did kiss me. And I kissed back. I was 'enthusiastic' for a minute or so - just until I knew that sex was definitely going to happen. And then once it was clear that it was, I checked out again and let it happen.

I know I didn't want it. I know I was terrified. And most of the time I think he must've known that too (and if he didn't... well that's a problem in itself). But sometimes I doubt myself. I think that it was my fault. That if I'd done something differently, none of this would have happened. I let him think that I wanted it and now I've messed myself up and I've hurt my (new) boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. And it just makes me feel so worthless.

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blondie2002

No one, is at fault here.

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Is it rape, if u really wanted to have sex with the person at some point but not at the moment that u experienced ur first sexual encounter with them because u knew u weren't ready to lose ur virginity?

Is it rape, if it happened too quickly for u to react with a yes or no?

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On ‎4‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 3:44 PM, serena said:

I mean if you don't say anything can someone rape you and not realize they are doing it?

Hi Serena,
 

Quote

 

I stopped saying stop or no, it hadn't gone well the one time I did.  I have asked myself these more times than I can count.

If you didn't say no, but you didn't say yes, it is still rape?

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape?

If you had sex because you were scared of what would happen if you didn't, it is still rape?

 

 

If you stopped saying no, you had already said no and he still didn't stop. You shouldn't have to repeat yourself. You said no. It continued so it is rape.

If you didn't say yes, with your words or your actions then it is rape. Being coerced into saying yes is not consent.

If you did anything because you were scared, it is coercion. Often the safest course of action to get out alive is to go along with it. You were coerced, so it is rape. You did what you had to do to stay alive. You did what you had to do to minimize the damage even though what happened to you was still horrific. 

Many people freeze when they are afraid. That is a very normal response to a dangerous situation. 

I am sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault. 

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On ‎4‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 11:57 AM, wanttobebigger said:

Hey, would someone be able to say more to me about this part:

If you "consented" enthusiastically because you were scared, it is still rape.

When I read it just now I broke down crying, because this is exactly what I've been stuck on. The first times I was raped (a few years ago, by my boyfriend-at-the-time), I froze up and checked out. And I know that was still rape, even though I didn't say no. He knew I didn't want it, and he did it anyway. (After the first time he even told me that he knew I didn't want it, and he cried until I said it was ok and comforted him.)

But more recently a man (supposedly a friend) tried to hit on me when we were alone in my apartment and I panicked. I didn't want to have sex with him - I wanted to run or scream - but I was frozen. I kept trying to think of a way out, but all my thought processes just ended in a dark blankness, it was like my mind was shutting down. And the longer I sat there frozen, the more terrified I felt. I needed to do something to get out and the only option I could see was to turn my head towards him and let him kiss me. So I did, and he did kiss me. And I kissed back. I was 'enthusiastic' for a minute or so - just until I knew that sex was definitely going to happen. And then once it was clear that it was, I checked out again and let it happen.

I know I didn't want it. I know I was terrified. And most of the time I think he must've known that too (and if he didn't... well that's a problem in itself). But sometimes I doubt myself. I think that it was my fault. That if I'd done something differently, none of this would have happened. I let him think that I wanted it and now I've messed myself up and I've hurt my (new) boyfriend by sleeping with someone else. And it just makes me feel so worthless.

 

Hi wanttobebigger,

Freezing is a normal and common response to a dangerous situation. You did what you had to do in order to get out of there as unharmed as possible. People can turn dangerously violent in a very short amount of time. You didn't feel you had options, you didn't feel like you had a choice. He knew you didn't want to do it yet he continued. I am so sorry this happened to you and that the guy didn't respect you. This was not your fault. The shame is all on him. I don't think you are worthless but I understand the feeling. I think you were brave and resourceful because you survived. 

Sending support and strength :hug: 

Brehiri 

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Quote

 

Is it rape, if u really wanted to have sex with the person at some point but not at the moment that u experienced ur first sexual encounter with them because u knew u weren't ready to lose ur virginity?

Is it rape, if it happened too quickly for u to react with a yes or no?

 

Hi Guest J217,

If it happened too quickly for you to consent then it was rape. I'm sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault :hug: I hope you consider joining the forums. I think you could find a lot of support here.

Take gentle care,

Brehiri

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Guest student
On 3/27/2018 at 11:41 AM, Guest i need to talk said:

my boyfriend raped me 1 year and 7 days ago. i still think about it everyday, I haven't told anyone in my life and I'm not pressing charges. i don't want everyone to make a big deal and i don't want it to be my identity as 'the girl who got raped'. no one knows in my life and its eating me up. I've never spoken about it out loud to anyone. i am constantly triggered by small comments i overhear at school or on tv, its everywhere always and i don't know how to manage it anymore. i have intense waves of depression when there is nothing to distract me. when I'm alone with my thoughts all i can do is relive the night. it has destroyed the last year for me, i met someone else and i think we could have had something really special but i ended it because it was too difficult to keep my suffering from him. i need help. does anyone have any advice, how do you deal with this and still I've a normal life? or is this just how I'm going to be for the rest of my life

I was coerced into sex in two previous relationships, and the second one threatened to rape me, he said "I will fuck you whether you like it or not". I have a hard time calling it rape just as you do, I know it is technically rape but I would say no so long fights would start and I would just say yes to stop the fight and eventually just say yes just before one would start just to avoid it, I consider it coerced into sex. It made sexual contact with my current boyfriend hard at first.. I found out sharing that with him helped... one time I started crying and pushed him away and he couldn't understand what he did wrong and it took me two days to open up and tell him that he said something that my ex used to say and instead of a reaction I feared he held me and letting me cry and told me he how he was sorry that happened to me and was just their to listen. This was a few months into our relationship and made it very strong. I never reported this but I have spoke to therapists and my doctor as I am on anti depressants, they help me feel comfortable with myself. not feeling alone and seeking support is the best decision I have made. 

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wanttobebigger
On 01/05/2018 at 6:40 PM, Brehiri said:

Hi wanttobebigger,

Freezing is a normal and common response to a dangerous situation. You did what you had to do in order to get out of there as unharmed as possible. People can turn dangerously violent in a very short amount of time. You didn't feel you had options, you didn't feel like you had a choice. He knew you didn't want to do it yet he continued. I am so sorry this happened to you and that the guy didn't respect you. This was not your fault. The shame is all on him. I don't think you are worthless but I understand the feeling. I think you were brave and resourceful because you survived. 

Sending support and strength :hug: 

Brehiri 

Thank you so much for replying (and for starting this thread in the first place - it's so important and valuable).

I still feel confused. I just keep thinking... well, I was enthusiastic. I wanted to make him believe that i wanted it. And so made he did and maybe he did nothing wrong. But I don't think that's true. There are so many things I can point to in his behaviour before and after that clearly weren't ok. It wasn't the behaviour of someone who wanted to make sure the other person felt comfortable and free to say no, it was the behaviour of someone who just wanted one thing and didn't care about hurting me in order to get it. I just struggle to make myself hold onto that belief.

I'm finding the quote in your signature really helpful though. My mind is reacting to the wrongness in a confused way, and struggling to assign the blame where it belongs. It belongs on him.

I think I will keep having to come back to this to remind myself because I doubt myself so often now. But at least I have this to come back to now. Thank you again.

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blondie2002

:holdhands:

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  • 1 month later...
On 12/06/2017 at 0:31 PM, Brehiri said:

Saying no multiple times and then saying "yes" once is not the same as real consent. "No" means "no."      "No" does not mean "Keep trying and maybe I'll change my mind if you keep pestering me".  "Yes" doesn't really mean "yes" if you don't feel able to say "no", for any reason. If you are not actively and willingly consenting, it is still a no, even if you say nothing.

Coercion works for all kinds of reasons, from fear of violence or emotional repercussions to just wanting to sleep. Any sexual act that you don't give your full consent to begin with, is rape.

A couple of months ago, I had an experience where I lost my virginity to my ex boyfriend. The thing is, I didn't really want to have sex and I don't think I was ready. I feel like this is what happened to me but I'm not sure. I think it definitely was some form of sexual assault, but I'm intimidated by the word "rape". It's associated with so many horrific things and I don't feel like this was that bad. There were also so many complicating factors that make me doubt that that's what had happened and I kind of feel like it was my fault. Regardless, it was still a really uncomfortable experience and I'm afraid it will affect my ability to be intimate with future partners. 

Anyway, here's what happened:

I was visiting my ex (who I was in a long distance relationship with) and I planned on staying the night with him. A little backstory on him: he had been in an abusive relationship and had been raped by his abuser in the past. Because of this, he had issues with sex and intimacy, so we were taking things slowly. Plus, I was also a virgin and I wanted to wait until I was 100% ready to have sex. By this point, we did have a healthy sexual relationship and felt comfortable with each other, but we hadn't had sex yet.

Anyway, I arrived at his place on a Saturday evening, excited to see him. Throughout the evening, he kept saying, "hey, I think I might be comfortable having sex with you." This took me by surprise - we had not seriously talked about having sex before that moment. Every time he said that, I kept saying things like, "I don't think I'm ready for that" or "I don't know if I'm ready" and the discussion would end there.

Sunday morning, after waking up, we were being physically intimate with each other (by this I mean engaging in sexual acts without sex). :trigger:*This part may be a little graphic. Read at your own discretion* At one point, as I was lying down and he was leaning over me, he began rubbing over and around my vagina with the tip of his penis. This felt good to me physically, but it was also making me a little nervous because I didn't feel ready to go further. He continued to do this for a while and asked, "do you want me to put it in?" I just said, "I don't know." What happened after is a little blurry in my mind and I might not be retelling the events in the exact order that they happened in, but this is roughly what happened: he continued rubbing and asking repeatedly if he could penetrate me. I kept saying I wasn't sure. I asked him if he was sure and he said with a laugh, "of course I am! I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't." At one point, when he asked again, I responded, "I don't know, I'm scared." When he asked why, I didn't say anything. I think I was scared because I didn't think I was ready to have sex, but I didn't say that. The situation was making me seriously uncomfortable and I didn't really feel like I could say no. His reply was, "if you're scared because it's your first time, don't worry. I'll take care of it. It's normal to be nervous." I remember he repeated that a couple of times. I don't think I said anything to that. He continued to ask, and at one point, I asked if he had a condom. He said no. I said, "I don't think we should have sex without a condom." I don't remember what he said to that. After that, he just kept asking and asking and asking. At some point, I said yes and he went for it. I remember it hurt a lot. After trying and failing to penetrate me (because I would wince in pain every time he tried), he stopped and asked, "do you want to keep going or do you want leave this for another time?" I told him to keep going. I think I just wanted to get it over with. I kept thinking, if I just get this over with, maybe it won't be so bad the next time we do it. I think I also told him that because I thought it was what he wanted to hear. I asked him if he wanted to keep going and he said, "I think so" (more on this later) and penetrated me again. After that he had sex with me for a while. I remember feeling empty and uncomfortable, but I just let it happen. After a couple of minutes, he stopped because he was no longer physically aroused. After this, we kissed for a bit and then he became aroused again. He asked if we could have sex again. The way he asked, though, was in such a way that it was clear to me that it was solely about his pleasure. I remember exactly what he said word for word, but I won't say it here because it's a little graphic and also kind of upsetting for me to think about. It made me feel awful. When he asked, I just said "okay." Then I remember I was lying there with my legs apart, not moving, while he did what he wanted. I felt really used and empty. It felt like he was using my body to masturbate. :trigger:

Over the next couple of days, we didn't speak much. I would reach out to him but he didn't seem to want to talk. When he would talk to me, he would give me vague answers and acted distant. Eventually, three days after everything happened, he told me between panic attacks that he didn't feel like he was ready to have sex when we did. I said I didn't think I was ready to have sex either. We weren't able to discuss it further because I couldn't bring it up without him having a panic attack.

This was all very upsetting for me. I felt like I had just had sex with him to make him happy. I didn't even want to. But if he didn't either, then what was the point? Why did it even happen? Months later, I asked him why it happened and he told me that it was because I had implied I wanted to have sex. I was outraged when he said this. I remember I felt betrayed, angry, used, violated, tainted because it had happened. But at the same time, I also felt awful about it because I felt like I should've been able to tell that he didn't want to. I thought he had stopped to ask if I wanted to continue because he was concerned that I was in pain, but in hindsight, it was probably because he was having doubts about whether or not he wanted to continue. The fact that he was no longer aroused after a while was probably also because he wasn't entirely comfortable with it. What I feel the most guilty about, though, was for not stopping him when he said "I think so" instead of yes. I think if my mind had been clearer, I would've told him we didn't have to if he didn't want to. But I didn't say anything. I don't know why. I feel terrible because of it.

I think I resent him a lot for what he did. I want to forgive him, but I can't seem to make peace with it. I'm not really sure why it happened, but I think it happened for reasons neither of us could control. When I talked to him about it, he said he wasn't really thinking when it happened. He told me that sometimes, when it comes to sex and intimacy, there is a disconnect between his mind and body, and he ends up doing things he doesn't want to do. He said that sometimes his body wants to do something that his mind doesn't, but his body ends up taking control and he can't stop it. He calls it "being on autopilot." In the context of his past abuse, I understand why he might've done this, but that doesn't really make me feel better about it.

Anyway, I have a lot of mixed feelings about my experience losing my virginity to him. I don't really know what to call this. I feel like it's my fault it happened, but I also feel like it's his fault and I'm angry at him for it. The thought of having sex again with anybody makes me feel sick. But part of me also feels like I'm just overreacting and that I shouldn't be feeling the way that I do.

Did he rape me? Am I right for feeling the way that I do about this situation?

Edited by mari
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Guest Cherys

As long as you both consent & are of an age to consent, then that's not rape; though of course, there is a fine dividing line

How can you really be sure the other person is consenting?

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Guest Cherysh

Some people might say "OK" or "I don't mind"; but really don't want to do it

Maybe by not being confident enough to say "No"

 

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On 26/06/2018 at 10:44 AM, Guest Cherys said:

As long as you both consent & are of an age to consent, then that's not rape; though of course, there is a fine dividing line

How can you really be sure the other person is consenting?

 

On 27/06/2018 at 3:14 AM, Guest Cherysh said:

Some people might say "OK" or "I don't mind"; but really don't want to do it

Maybe by not being confident enough to say "No"

 

so the real question is, can it be rape if the person doesn't know that you don't want to? 

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest RoseMetal94

Hello... I am new here, ive never looked for help before, what happened to me happened two years ago and after that relationship ended i buried my secret and never told my family or friends in fear that they would judge me. 

 

I was in a 10 month relationship with someone that abused me mentally and sexually, in the first month i saw some red flags but i had never had a relationship before and nobody told me what was ok and not ok, society tells you jealousy is normal and if someone is posessive of you It is because they care. He cheated on me repeatedly, sometimes to the point where he was right Next to me texting other girls and he knew i could see that. Sometimes i would speak to him, and he would ignore me, laughing at his phone on a convo with other girls. Meanwhile he would have irrational jealousy attacks, one day he got ballistic because i was talking about the bad state of our country and he though i was using a metaphor for our relationship. He didnt like my friends, he thought me and my girlfriends were in a lesbian relationship (wrong), somedays he would just wake up and decide i cheated on him and he would berate me with discussions about things i didnt do while i just tried to reason with him. I remember this left me often emotionally drained.

 

I should have left him, i never did. I am still trying to understand how i let myself go through this. I had a low self esteem, but to this point? To the point of now, two years later, realizing that what happened was not normal and left a mark on me?

 

One day, while we were being intimate, i remember being very upset beforehand (do not remember why, probably because of infidelity or feeling he just wanted to use my body and this being why he was with me) and during, i started crying and stopped. I felt dirty. I do not remember everything but i remember crying naked on the floor while he was in the bed not doing anything,just staring coldly at the wall. After some time, i felt stupid and knew he wasnt going to take me home (he lived about an hour away from me) so i went back to bed and we resumed intercourse. I never said no, but It was clear i didnt want to. There were several times we had sex to the point where It hurt me a lot for several days but It seemed he liked It. Like It made him proud. 

After that i still stayed with him for some months until i finally decided i didnt deserve a toxic relationship. 

My problem is...why did i let this happen to me? After him i went through a period of celibacy during which my brother died, adding another trauma. I eventuslly decided to put myself out there when i felt healed but truth is i dont think i healed, i just distracted myself. All my posterior relationships with men have been marked by being used by them for sex and never hearing from them again. Happened with a long time friend, when our relationship turned sexual he started to only contact me for this, and whenever i meet someone new It doesnt Matter if i wait three days or three weeks, after i have sex with them everything changes,

I never had a relationship where a man is with me for Who i am, to know me and my soul, and i yearn for this. My family is amazing, my parents have been together since 17and i never Saw infidelity or fights. So i dont know why i took this road

I am thinking of going back to celibacy.sometimes i feel i am bursting at the seams. My mom cant know because It would crush her and we are currently in different countries too.

 

Do you guys know any activities, coping mechanisms, things i could tell myself to help me get through this? Yesterday was the first time i accepted this out loud and to a good friend Who understood me. I want to get better. I want to leave this behind me. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Nicole K.

So the other day something happened and I have so many conflicting emotions about it that I want to share, maybe help clear things up with other voices. 

I am in a loving relationship. The other night, I stayed over at a male friends house, he's gay and good friends with my boyfriend. My friend's roommate was there and even though I hadn't done drugs besides smoking weed in many years, I made the stupid choice to do some cocaine. It was all in all a fun night, low key and chill. In the early morning I was falling asleep on the couch when my friend's roommate (who knows I'm in a relationship and has met my partner) started taking down my underwear and putting his fingers inside me. It's all so fuzzy, I was so tired and had also been drinking. I told him no, and he stopped for a moment, and then tried again. As far as I know, nothing happened beyond that. That's all I remember before waking up that afternoon. 

I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend. I feel like I lead the other guy on, maybe I was too friendly or something. I haven't told my boyfriend yet and I think it's for reasons I'm posting here. I'm of two minds:

 

1. I don't want him to freak out. I'm so worried that if he confronts the guy, he'll find out I was doing drugs and I really don't want him to think less of me for that.

2. I'm worried that he'll say it's no big deal and I'll feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. 

 

I can't stop fixating on what happened but at the same time there's a part of me that says it's no big deal and just move on. I'm so confused.

I would welcome any and all thoughts and advice. Thank you wonderful people !

 

 

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Hi Nicole,

I am sorry this happened. You did not consent and what happened was not your fault. I don’t think you are overreacting at all. You could reach out to your local rape crisis center for some support.

It can be hard to make a decision about disclosing abuse to a loved one. If you do tell, I hope you get the support you deserve.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest questioning

I think I know the answer... but i need to put this somewhere... just get this out of my mind and not all bottled up.   i think this is going to be long and complicated, and for that i am sorry.  

is it rape if we're married but haven't had sex in months... until one night i get fall down drunk (while you're still sober)?  You got on top of me after I had fallen down and started kissing me. when was the last time we kissed?  june? is it rape if i asked you to give me a back rub and then you took it farther (the menthol from the icy hot you used on my back burned once your hands went elsewhere)?  You said we didn't have to do anything if i didn't want to, but every time i tried to sit up, you would pull me back down.  Is it rape if i didn't say no (at least that I remember???)?  If I had an orgasm? If i reminded you to get a condom? If you've been so supportive of my healing process from CSA?  If I got drunk again and the same thing happened the next night?

i think maybe you just didn't know better. We're married after all. I was drunk and should have known better, too.

Is it rape if he doesn't know? Should he have known? Am I just overreacting?

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