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On being a victim...


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#16 Lis

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 10:27 AM

But wait... Lora... you ARE making a choice each day to go to therapy, and to post here and to keep working on healing.

Choosing to get out of victim mode doesn't mean that you get instant results and suddenly all of your problems are solved. It means that you make an active choice each day that you want to feel better, and that you are taking control of your life and responsibility for making yourself whole again.

And part of the reason that it's so hard is that you have to wake up every day and make that choice, because problems don't just disappear. It's fucking hard. I have been working on this shit for six years and I still have days where I can't get out of bed because I let myself slip back into the victim mode and my depression wins the day. Or something traumatic happens, and I say "you know what? I have PTSD, and therefore, I don't sleep, eat, study, socialize, shower or leave my room."

That's falling into the victim trap. What you're doing right now is NOT that. You are surviving.


#17 Monika

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 10:33 AM

Lora,  I'd encourage you to read both Shannon and Lis' responses another time.

and I do NOT feel as if I have ANY choice in how I feel from day to day

It's also important to remember that feelings are not facts. Just because you feel as if you don't have any choice does not in fact mean that you don't. I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that you do have choices today in how you feel and live, but the fact of the matter is that you do. Lis and Shannon both make many excellent points around this fact. I don't think anyone is saying it's easy, far from it. It's very hard... but well worth it when we challenge ourselves to build a life worth living and then move on to thrive in that life. I'm glad you see those possibilities for yourself in the future. Be gentle with yourself.


#18 Lora

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 10:40 AM

Ok, let me re-phrase my response.

I do not THINK that I have any conscious choice about how I feel from day to day.  I also do not think that I am wallowing in being a victim.  I think that I am doing everything I am capable of doing at this point in time to heal, but that I have not reached a point where I can decide that today I am NOT going to be triggery or teary or give in to intrusive thoughts or whatever.  (And I still think it's hurtful to not acknowledge that for people for whom the experience is fresh just getting from one day to another is sometimes all one can handle.)

Obviously we're not going to agree on this one (no matter WHAT day I read it.)

Lora


#19 Lis

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 11:00 AM

Hey Lora,

I know that this happened to you really recently, and that's why there's such a disconnect between what you're saying and what the thread is about.

I get what you're saying, and it's a valid point. Nobody should expect someone who was just raped to be able to have it together enough to find her car keys, let alone continue to live life, start therapy, meds, cope with the aftermath, post on this board and not want to cry 24 hours a day. I've been there, and I don't think that the purpose of this thread was to invalidate that stage of healing.

I think what Rain is trying to offer is encouragement - that yes getting from one day to another is a massive accomplishment now - but if you keep choosing to push yourself, which it seems like you are doing, you will eventually feel like a survivor.

You will feel like you have a choice.


#20 Lora

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 11:19 AM

You will feel like you have a choice.

Yes, I agree, and I appreciate the reposnse.  The key word, however, is WILL.  Just not right now. Yes, I know that the thread was not INTENDED to invalidate anything, which is why I posted my initial response as I did... trying to clarify, but the response to my initial reply made it pretty clear that not everyone agrees.

I think it's great that some people are at a point where they can see where they had choices, and those of us who are new to this rely heavily on the experiences of people who have made great healing strides.  But it's for that very same reason that I find it troublesome that anyone would discount that early, very difficult stage of healing where the only choice is whatever gets you through the next hour.


Lora


#21 Jes

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 11:30 AM

Hey Lora,

There certainly is that place where getting through the hour is the best you can do.  And it really fails, doesn't it?

I don't think the point of this post is to deny anyone the right to feel badly.  My mother told me the day after I was raped, "I'd be worried if you weren't crying."  We are members of this board because we do suffer over what happened to us.


Yet, even in  our suffering, we have the power to make positive choices.  For instance, we can choose to feel horrible, rather than cutting.  Or we can choose to force ourselves to eat, rather than starving ourselves.  Perhaps most importantly, we can chose to forgive ourselves for making poor choices.

Hugs,

Jes


#22 noname

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 08:32 PM

Personally I think we don't always  have choice over how we feel but we do have a choice over what we do with how we feel at all stages of the process.  And the choices we make at that point if they are the right ones will hopefully enable us to feel better.  This was one of the realizations that helped me stop c*tting. I realized I couldn't always control whether I wanted to do it, but I could control whether I did it.  Similarly if we are feeling really bad we can choose to stay in bed, we can choose to call a friend, we can choose to read the board etc.  But we do have a choice.  We can get out of bed no matter how bad we are feeling if we choose to. It's ok to choose not to if that is what is needed and some days we may feel so bad that that is a reasonable choice. But I think what I understand you to say Rain, is that if we always  choose to stay in bed, not engage with others  because of what happened  or when we use what happened as an excuse not to push ourselves and grow, we can end up maintaining a "victim" state.  (I'm just using staying in bed as just one example.)  Sometimes that means not letting those bad feelings determine all our choices, but making choices that go against how we are feeling  to effect transformation. It's finding the right balance of pushing ourselves and accepting where we are at that is the hardest for me to figure out.  It's when we become stagnant and stop doing our best to grow and heal that it becomes a problem.

I understand what you are saying Lora about feeling you don't have a choice over how you are feeling.  I agree with you that that is often true. But you are making positive choices in your life - to go to T, to take meds, to participate here, to do your best to overcome this and heal. Every day you are choosing to live.   You could have chosen denial, minimization etc. You could have chosen to abuse drugs or other unhealthy ways of coping.  So while you may not be able to control how you are feeling you have chosen  to respond to those feelings in positive ways that will help you heal.

Just my 2 cents.

n.


#23 Jes

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 09:45 PM

Great perspective, noname!

Hugs,

Jes


#24 Monika

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 10:01 PM

noname, your '2 cents' are extremely valuable! You said that very well!

take gentle care,
Rain


#25 Cira

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Posted 17 November 2003 - 11:43 PM

((Noname))

That was so wonderfully said, sweetheart.  

xoxo

Lynn



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