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Fear of future assaults - how we deal with this?


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#31 kmk

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Posted 19 December 2003 - 07:14 PM

Interesting thread.

I certainly think about this - especially when walking alone at night.  I imagine all sorts of horrible scenarios.  What I feel isn't really fear, more a sense of inevitability.  I'm convinced it's going to happen again someday (though logically, I know I live in a fairly safe place and that stranger rape is rare).

I have a different perception of "self-defense" tactics and classes than most who have posted here.  Although I took aikido for many years (both before and after the assault), I chose it because it was really not about self defense.  I actively avoided anything to do with self defense, since I thought "self defense" was a lie to decieve people into thinking they could have some sort of control.  

Guns remove any possibility of control, and they are far too easy to obtain.

My rapist had a gun at my back before I even knew he was there.  There was nothing I could have done but what he said to do.  I've talked about this to someone I know who's an expert in a variety of martial arts and defense tactics, and from what I've been able to gather, there's really nothing much you can do against a gun.  All the things I might learn about kicks and jabs and poking people with my keys wouldn't help me if I was in that situation again.  Which makes all the talk about being ready to beat up a rapist ring kind of hollow to me.  

And hence the sense of inevitability...

I know this is probably a biased and unhelpful attitude...  But I'm not sure how I could have a different one.  What do you all think about situations in which you cannot at all prevent an assault?


#32 Guest__*

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Posted 30 December 2003 - 10:24 AM

I've been staring at this thread for weeks, both enthralled by it and afraid of it.  Afraid of feeling that anger, that is.

Now I get it.  And I'm right there with you...

Louise wrote:
"instead of the tatttered, torn woman turning up at emergency and being blamed for walking alone at night, there's a man walking into emergency with his ear torn off, and the doctor saying "You mean you grabbed a woman by the breast and tried to pull her into your car? Idiot! No sympathy for you!"  "
HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  Perfect, just perfect!  Except that then the ER doc should just toss the bastard into the garbage crate.

:cool:  :angry:  :devil:  :laugh:  :bee:
Trisha

(edited for pottymouth!)


#33 Little Brave One

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Posted 18 January 2004 - 05:02 AM

Yeah, a couple of years of karate helped me a lot. I also walk around with a 'don't even THINK of fucking with me' attitude.
I will fight to the death now, and if that means HIS death, so be it.


#34 absinth

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Posted 21 February 2009 - 05:27 PM

as it was a doctor who assaulted me during pelvic exam, I have a big fear of pelvic exams. the speclum&ultrasound part is somehow bearable (though hardly), but the pelvic can give me strong panic. I have to go and see my gyn in March and I am terrified already now.

Even though I know that I have all the reasons to trust my gyn and I do trust her in my mind, emotionally I just feel too scared. I also did trust the dr who did this to me.. so theoretically it can happen anytime again. It just seems that I will never be able to see a gyn without having flashbacks.

So I guess the only thing how to deal with the panic, is to try to focus and stay there during the whole exam. (very hard for me to do as the exams are unconfortable/painful and I automatically want to fly away from the process in my thougts)

#35 blondie2002

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Posted 23 February 2009 - 08:43 PM

I always fear that I'm going to see W again. (I have no idea where he is)As for B and **, considering that B just tried to call me Friday night, I'm worrying about him all over again. :bawling: My mom told me not to worry so much, because he's up north in prison and he can't hurt me anymore.

#36 angeleyesong

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Posted 29 June 2009 - 04:48 AM

I have panic attacks because of fear of it happening again. When I walk in dark areas or alone at home i feel horrified that i will be hurt again. The strangest thing about it is that sometimes I find myself entering unsafe situation even though my mind says "red alert" this is dangerous. I dont know if I am trying to punish myself or prove something or am just plain stupid. I dont know why I do it.

#37 Ascender

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Posted 09 May 2010 - 11:18 PM

Hmm, I'm a strange case. I've become acclimatised to extreme violence, so while there's the continual sense of the world being dangerous (which at times flips me out), handling myself in such situations has become routine. I still walk around most days thinking that something or someone will kill me any given moment. I think I have come to cope with this by becoming far less feminine, by taking on the persona of a strong, streetwise woman. It's quite a put-on, but in a way its a kind of signal to send out, or a dialogue (esp living in a dangerous area). I always wear shoes in which I can run quickly/easily, and clothes which lean more towards functional than pretty. I think subconsciously, I believe the more I deviate in looks from womanly, attractive, and pretty, the safer I'll be.

Also, I've come to learn that if approached by someone of a dubious nature, a calm, direct, and genuine manner can be a powerful tool. I think that's a protective mechanism I've learnt, as "making them angry" is another scary factor.

#38 MelK

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Posted 21 December 2010 - 01:17 PM

I cope by restricting my life. I never stay out late now. I trust the friends I've had for 20 years, but I would never go into anyone else's home or car however long I've known them. Someone invited me to go on holiday with them, but it would mean spending some of the time on my own overseas and I can't do that - I'm too afraid of not being streetwise in an unfamiliar culture. So I just make my life very small.

#39 Mismaturity

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Posted 27 December 2010 - 10:07 PM

Triggers, beware.
Brilliant thread, everyone.
I used to have balls way bigger than was good for me, got away with behaviours many did not. Then...
My friend was pack raped, beaten to within an inch of her life and left for dead.
Suddenly, supermarkets, servo's, restaurants and the like are a threatening situation. What does one person do against a pack?
Seriously.

#40 Mismaturity

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Posted 09 January 2011 - 10:44 PM

<font color='#000000'>Interesting thread.

I certainly think about this - especially when walking alone at night.  I imagine all sorts of horrible scenarios.  What I feel isn't really fear, more a sense of inevitability.  I'm convinced it's going to happen again someday (though logically, I know I live in a fairly safe place and that stranger rape is rare).

I have a different perception of "self-defense" tactics and classes than most who have posted here.  Although I took aikido for many years (both before and after the assault), I chose it because it was really not about self defense.  I actively avoided anything to do with self defense, since I thought "self defense" was a lie to decieve people into thinking they could have some sort of control.  

Guns remove any possibility of control, and they are far too easy to obtain.

My rapist had a gun at my back before I even knew he was there.  There was nothing I could have done but what he said to do.  I've talked about this to someone I know who's an expert in a variety of martial arts and defense tactics, and from what I've been able to gather, there's really nothing much you can do against a gun.  All the things I might learn about kicks and jabs and poking people with my keys wouldn't help me if I was in that situation again.  Which makes all the talk about being ready to beat up a rapist ring kind of hollow to me.  

And hence the sense of inevitability...

I know this is probably a biased and unhelpful attitude...  But I'm not sure how I could have a different one.  What do you all think about situations in which you cannot at all prevent an assault?</font>


You've nailed one of my prevailing fears, here. Botom line, I don't know if I'd get out alive or die fighting. I can only aim to not find out.
I can't believe this hideous world we live in. Who'd be young, or old, or pretty, or vulnerable, or ever at the mercy of anyone.

#41 romany

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Posted 26 June 2012 - 10:14 PM

It's funny, even though my assault was from someone I knew, I am much more at ease around people I know, as if now I should see it coming or something. I am much more hyper vigilant from the threat of "stranger danger". Even though with anyone I almost always size people up to see if I could fight them long enough to run, or outrun them in general. I'm terrified that I would just stand there like a deer in headlights again, just letting it happen. I know more now, I just pray it never happens again. I feel it would be silly to go through all this amazing amounts of healing to have to start at the bottom of the hill again.

#42 becomingbutterfly

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Posted 27 October 2012 - 03:15 PM

I was raised to be afraid of rape by my parents. They drilled it into my head from the time I was a small child. They thought it was loving, always bringing up the topic. It triggers me. They had a better dead than raped attitude, and seemed to paint it as the victim's fault. I'm trying to remember my CSA, and I wonder if the reason I suppressed it was because of this.

I'm so scared of stranger rape, with the whole scene running through my mind as I walk through a dark parking lot. It's not on purpose, but it just comes. The idea of flipping it around helps. So does having a black belt in Taekwondo, although I still worry I'd freeze. =/

#43 highhat

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Posted 21 January 2013 - 08:15 AM

this topic has been running thru my mind since few years ago. I like cassie's reply as it pinpoints to the bottom line what I need to overcome. I run scenes of what I could do following if it happened again but I tend to feel more fearful. any1 else feels running thru a safety net get more fear ?


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