Posted 21 November 2003 - 09:57 PM
postitis round 3928742394723497
Disclaimer: I hesitate to post this because it makes me feel rather exposed, but I'm challenging myself to realize my thoughts matter, and making them heard outside of my head is an important step. This post is not intended to hurt any feelings, to invalidate anyone, to offer anything other than how I feel, and I welcome others to share how they feel.
I came here looking for someone to wave a magic wand, and make me "healed." Somehow these brave, intelligent men and women would have the answer I was looking for, a map to heal if you will. I knew nothing, or very little about what was going on with my brain, and how it impacted the rest of my life.
I realized one day a few months later that I had to find my own way. Not because no one wanted to help me, surely my boyfriend did, the new friends I'd made here seemed to want to help. I had to peel back layers and identify problems. I had to figure out what I needed. It was my job to identify my needs and find a solution.
I needed to reach out and be heard. So I did, I still do.
No one could have told me that and had it mean anything. No one could be responsible to make me feel like I was important. I had to learn for myself that I was. I had to learn self-worth before I could realize I was worth anything to anyone else. I'm still working on that.
I've never been especially good at making friends. In settings when I don't know people, I tend to be shy. I was at an open house at my son's pre-school today and had a really hard time talking to parents. I was so sure that no one would want to know me. What did I have to offer? Well, as luck would have it, someone spilled at the food table, so I went to help clean it up. I got talking to a mom there, turns out her daughter and my son play together, they both started this week. Turns out that all I had to do was tell myself it was ok to reach out and take a chance.
It's hard being on the 'inside' if you will. Seeing new people come, and wondering. I still have the same insecurity, thinking they don't want to talk to me, what do I have to offer them? That hidden 5 year old afraid to join in the kickball game. I have that paralizing fear of wanting to make a "good" first impression, so they know I want to make a friend, but not be overwhelming and scare them away. It is up to me, now that I have identified that fear, to find a way to resolve it. I certainly don't expect people who just meet me to be able to find a way to put me at ease if I can't do it for myself.
There was a post about healing goals a few days ago. I think one of my healing goals is going to be able to own my goals and recognize the roadblocks I have put up myself that prevent me from reaching them.
What do you all think? Have you been able to find that self validation? How did you get there?