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Who Deserves to Be Here? Repost
Posted 02 February 2009 - 11:00 PM
Posted 14 April 2009 - 12:22 AM
Posted 19 April 2009 - 09:08 PM
I have often felt like I had waited too long to try to work on healing. But I have come to see that if I don't start healing, I will never be able to overcome the self-defeating behaviors that I have.
Thank you for telling me I deserve to heal, even though it has been 40 years. Even though I never told anyone when I should have. Even though I let the creep get by with it. Even though I have terrible shame about it. Even though, even though, even though . . .
Posted 19 April 2009 - 09:17 PM
Posted 05 July 2009 - 05:06 PM
Posted 01 August 2009 - 02:17 AM
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to heal and for that reason, not quite sure if I deserve to be here as my actions disgust me. It happened 3 years ago and I wouldn't let meself belive it as I was intoxicated at the time and sort of blacked out, although now I beleive that its a mental block but I told myself it never happen. That night I had my innocence stolen from me. My way of dealing with it was to prove to myself I was strong by letting men use me. Therefore the reason I'm disgusted in myself. I want to heal and have never seaked help before I found this website whilst reasing 'diva' magazine and the only person I have confided in is my current partner who I dont think beleives me. My only way of coping so far has been self harm which I never want to turn to again. Do I deserve to be here?
Posted 09 August 2009 - 06:33 PM
...For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there...
But the absolute bottom line is this:
Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.
I included the parts of this quote that meant a great deal to me. I am experiencing traumatic flashbacks from a rape that happened when I was 19 over 40 years ago. I completely blocked the experience and it is coming back now. It feels as if the rape just happened. The man used a knife and I got severely injured in the melee. I am kicking myself for going out with him to an isolated place. He was a handsome and charming man who proposed beer, a picnic and a swim at a lake. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I loved to swim and loved the woods. I was an athletic and active kid. I did not realize how dangerous this could be. When we got there I found myself in an isolated wooded area miles from no where. I wished that rapist had made a different decision and offered me beer, a lot of laughs and fun in the water. Instead he made a very different decision -- the one I am trying to get through now.
Posted 10 August 2009 - 07:12 PM
I do think my abuse "wasnt as bad as others" and I do think "it has been 30 years aog I should be over it"
I have doubted my memories, but having attended my 30th grade school reunion recently, I was reminded by two close friends that I even tried to tell them after my mom would ot help me, but we were oly 12 so none if us knew what to do. I WAS ONLY TWELVE!!!!!!! No 30 something year old man should ever have been touching a TWELVE YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!
IM OK - HE IS THE CRAZY ONE !!! IM GOING TO BE OK !!!!
For so many years, I pushed it off thinking I was crazy to let it bother me, but that idiot hurt me and its OK that I HURT! It is NORMAL that I HURT!
AND ITS OK THAT I AM MAD AT MY MOM FOR NOT HELPING ME!! IM OK - IM THE NORMAL ONE!
Dealing with this is harder than I thought it would be. I pray a lot these days and listen to Joyce Meyers talk. It keeps me from wanting to end my life. It gets so tiring sometimes, but I am going to keep going and I am going to be BETTER some day !!!
My alcoholic husband one time forced himself on me. Yes, I am still married to him. I went to a counselor once who told me that "I should be able to get over the fact that he only forced himself on me once" Well you know what??? IM REALLY NOT OVER THAT EITHER !!!!! and I dont think I need to be!!!!! Its ok and good to forgive(maybe) and move on, but its also ok that I HURT because of his cruel actions when intoxicated !!!
I am not sure where I will be q year from now, but I know that starting to deal with this, means I am on the road to recovery and feelign better about myself.
I will pray for everyone out there hurting !!