[Arch_Arrow]

Reading that, I figured out that I had been so guilty of downplaying the situation. I told myself, "You're pathetic for being so affected by it, because compared to everyone else, really it was nothing at all." I didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[chargerbandnerd]

:rolleyes:/> this post is truely uplifiting for me. I constantly have those people who discredit me or make me feel like what happened to me was not a big deal and they are my friends, i didnt tell my family. Reading the words, i deserve to heal makes me feel better. Now i just have to believe that it and let myself. Its hard when i always think its my fault.

[Alicedoesntlivehere]

I was violently raped nearly 40 years ago, when I was 16. (I am new here and don't know if that statement is a "trigger" or not. Please forgive me if it is.) I never told anyone until a few weeks ago. I keep thinking that because I am very good at blocking it out, that I have healed. I have come to the point where I realize that denial does not equal healing. I have some very self-defeating and people-distancing behaviors that I have never been able to change or get past, and I think it is the toxins from the not healing that are seeping out into my life in other ways.

I have often felt like I had waited too long to try to work on healing. But I have come to see that if I don't start healing, I will never be able to overcome the self-defeating behaviors that I have.

Thank you for telling me I deserve to heal, even though it has been 40 years. Even though I never told anyone when I should have. Even though I let the creep get by with it. Even though I have terrible shame about it. Even though, even though, even though . . .

[survivor66]

Even though..... You belong here! :)/> I am so sorry for what happened to you 40 yrs. ago..... No one deserves what happened to you and I am so glad you found us here and we all are here for you as you begin the long journey to healing. Thank you for sharing with us.

[mockingbird]

Thanks for posting this - I needed to be reminded.

-mockingbird

[Brunetteguardchic]

Thank you so much for posting this. I honestly felt stupid for being on here because it happened so long ago and there was nothing I could do but that made me feel so much better

[sallyanne]

Hello Jes,Found this site by accident yesterday, and still trying to find my way around. Your post was so touching it made me cry. I have tried for 40 years to minimise and block out feelings and try to be the strong person I'm sure I am underneath all the hurt. Reading the stories on your boards is truly heart breaking, and has triggeredsome very buried emotions. I believe I've found the place I've been needing to start to deal with and rebuild my life. Thank you for for voicing what I have been thinking for years, and not been able to put into words.

[CrayolaWrapper]

Oh my goodness, that was very touching. Thank You so much.

[JohnM]

Yes,

Thanks for reposting Jes.

J

[hannah327]

Jes-
Thank you soo much for that. It pretty much was the epitome of how I felt...and somehow the words coming from you is making me actually start to believe them.

*hugs* if ok

<3 Hannah

[ladyshen92]

Ok so this is my first post.
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to heal and for that reason, not quite sure if I deserve to be here as my actions disgust me. It happened 3 years ago and I wouldn't let meself belive it as I was intoxicated at the time and sort of blacked out, although now I beleive that its a mental block but I told myself it never happen. That night I had my innocence stolen from me. My way of dealing with it was to prove to myself I was strong by letting men use me. Therefore the reason I'm disgusted in myself. I want to heal and have never seaked help before I found this website whilst reasing 'diva' magazine and the only person I have confided in is my current partner who I dont think beleives me. My only way of coping so far has been self harm which I never want to turn to again. Do I deserve to be here?

[Dani]

Thank you so much for posting this, Jes. It really makes me feel reassured.

[Adrasteia]

 Shannon, on Mar 16 2007, 04:44 PM, said:

Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

...For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there...

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

I included the parts of this quote that meant a great deal to me. I am experiencing traumatic flashbacks from a rape that happened when I was 19 over 40 years ago. I completely blocked the experience and it is coming back now. It feels as if the rape just happened. The man used a knife and I got severely injured in the melee. I am kicking myself for going out with him to an isolated place. He was a handsome and charming man who proposed beer, a picnic and a swim at a lake. At the time I thought it was a great idea. I loved to swim and loved the woods. I was an athletic and active kid. I did not realize how dangerous this could be. When we got there I found myself in an isolated wooded area miles from no where. I wished that rapist had made a different decision and offered me beer, a lot of laughs and fun in the water. Instead he made a very different decision -- the one I am trying to get through now.

[JewelsandTewels]

Thank you, I very much needed to read this tonight.
I do think my abuse "wasnt as bad as others" and I do think "it has been 30 years aog I should be over it"
I have doubted my memories, but having attended my 30th grade school reunion recently, I was reminded by two close friends that I even tried to tell them after my mom would ot help me, but we were oly 12 so none if us knew what to do. I WAS ONLY TWELVE!!!!!!! No 30 something year old man should ever have been touching a TWELVE YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!
IM OK - HE IS THE CRAZY ONE !!! IM GOING TO BE OK !!!!
For so many years, I pushed it off thinking I was crazy to let it bother me, but that idiot hurt me and its OK that I HURT! It is NORMAL that I HURT!
AND ITS OK THAT I AM MAD AT MY MOM FOR NOT HELPING ME!! IM OK - IM THE NORMAL ONE!
Dealing with this is harder than I thought it would be. I pray a lot these days and listen to Joyce Meyers talk. It keeps me from wanting to end my life. It gets so tiring sometimes, but I am going to keep going and I am going to be BETTER some day !!!
My alcoholic husband one time forced himself on me. Yes, I am still married to him. I went to a counselor once who told me that "I should be able to get over the fact that he only forced himself on me once" Well you know what??? IM REALLY NOT OVER THAT EITHER !!!!! and I dont think I need to be!!!!! Its ok and good to forgive(maybe) and move on, but its also ok that I HURT because of his cruel actions when intoxicated !!!
I am not sure where I will be q year from now, but I know that starting to deal with this, means I am on the road to recovery and feelign better about myself.
I will pray for everyone out there hurting !!

[Foundling]

Thank you so much for reposting this. I needed to hear it.