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Who Deserves to Be Here? Repost
Posted 15 July 2010 - 04:25 PM
Posted 15 July 2010 - 09:15 PM
I tend to downplay what happened to me a lot because it seems like nothing in comparison to what a lot of others have been through. I wasn't raped, it wasn't violent. I didn't say no - he coerced me, took advantage of my naivety. He barely touched me, I barely remember it, and for a long time, I think I barely cared. I would read web-pages about child sexual abuse, and they all seemed to talk about "without consent" and "negative emotional impact", and I could only think that what happened to me must not have been sexual assault, because I did consent. I was a child and I didn't understand, but I still consented. Everywhere talked about adults, but he wasn't an adult, he was a teenager, under sixteen. What if we were just kids fooling around? And I don't remember being upset with what he did when it happened, or even for a long time after, so maybe I wanted it. If it was sexual assault, I would have been upset.
Then I think once I accepted it was sexual assault, it got even harder. I try not to think this way, but I always compare what I went through to what others have gone through, because what happened to me is nothing in comparison, nothing at all. Every single time I think about it I wonder why it has the power to make me cry, why I just can't move on, why I'm so upset over something so small.
So thank you for this thread. It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this.
Posted 23 July 2010 - 10:04 PM
So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.
Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.
Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.
Who Deserves to Heal
If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.
If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.
If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.
If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.
If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.
If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.
If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.
If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.
If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.
If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.
If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.
If it was incest, you deserve to heal.
If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.
If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.
If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.
That's all there is to it.
I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.
It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.
The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.
Thank you so much for that post.
I've been forcing myself to stuff what little i remember away for so long, i only have images and feelings left. I havent been able to or am not willing to work through them, nor can i get rid of them. i dont live either. I exist for others but barely have the energy to do so anymore, so there are very few in my life. Thats ok... since i dont have me. Maybe one day ill have the strength to say what i do remember and acknowledge that it did happen. Thanks to all for sharing your stories. You share your strength, compassion, empathy and a myriad of other gifts by doing so.
im very greatful.
Posted 09 August 2010 - 09:50 PM
Posted 16 August 2010 - 10:38 AM
Posted 29 August 2010 - 11:45 AM
Posted 14 September 2010 - 05:18 PM
Posted 21 September 2010 - 08:46 AM
your story touched my heart,I thought I was the only one out there feeling like others have gone threw much worse than I,so why am I crying everyday,why am I not back at work yet,why has life closed in on me.No-one really sees the pain or understands why you can not just shake it off and get over it. I feel like putting a bandage around my head, so people could understand and see that Iam still hurting and not healed
Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:31 PM
Hello to you all~
I just caught myself doing something that I have done all of my life. Avoidance. Avoiding whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable rather that allowing myself to internalize and process. I am guessing this is why I am so far behind in the way of "healing", in despite all my years of "recovery". My childhood was a living nightmare in all ways a horrible childhood could be, (and I am not exaggerating). I have heard many people laugh and comment, "nobody had a great childhood."
I read the poem above and so quickly distracted myself by reading the first reply, then by writing here that I am not sure that I will remember how it made me feel. I will try to. I also would like to add that I caught myself "avoiding" and stopped myself after reading only one reply. That is progress for the Queen of Avoidance!
This is what I remember feeling; validated, teary eyed, lump in throat, boulder in gut, sense of happiness, sadness, fear, amazed(that I know I didn't write this but felt like it), weak, thrilled, pensive, *sigh*, wow!, Such a wide range of emotions and thoughts that I have a right to "feel". Proof that I can "feel" through this cast-iron suit that spent 45 years to build.
For the first time ever in all my years I feel as though I am in the right place. Following thought is: "I hope I won't be let down~(more fear!). (Man, my thoughts are all followed with negativity that I hope to change!).
Thank you all for finally being a part of my life. You are needed and important to me. ~Stacia
Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:55 PM
In brief, I finally feel after all these years that I am in the right place. Despite all the "recovery work", battles, money, nightmares, anger, and there were a lot of good times too... etc, I still need help. I have heard many people comment that "Nobody had the perfect childhood". I had the most horrific upbringing in every living nightmare imaginable and I am not exaggerating.
This poem really moved me> I had a wide range of emotions but as "The Queen of Avoidance" inside of this cast iron suit that took 45 years to build, I am not in touch with how I feel at the moment. I do remember being wowed, sad, scared, validated, happy, comforted, weak, vulnerable, fearful as I read it.
Thank you for being a part of my life finally. I appreciate you all and I feel safe. Amazing!! ~Stacia
Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:58 PM