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Who Deserves to Be Here? Repost
Posted 04 February 2010 - 03:11 AM
This is my first post on here. Thanks SO SO SO much for listening. I deeply appreciate it.
Posted 07 February 2010 - 02:51 PM
Posted 22 March 2010 - 09:49 PM
It was a weird day. I had a dream last night that I saw the guy (steven) who took advantage of me (hard to say "raped"...) and I talked to him, although the whole time I didn't want to talk to him. I was attracted to him in the dream and we made plans to hang out, even though I didn't actually want to. I woke up feeling weird, and glad that I was next to my partner, not steven. I didn't say anything to my boyfriend until I was on my way to work, when it started to really bother me. I called him and we talked a little. When I got off the phone, the program on the radio was focusing on sexual assault issues, and there were a lot of stories that sparked painful & productive thoughts.
I try to just not think about that night that happened 4 months ago, but I think about it usually once a day or so. I was new in town and at a bar. I ended up getting really wasted, and a few guys were following me around. I liked the attention, and I went to an after party with some of my new friends, but I didn't pay attention (I couldn't) how to get home. I vaguely remember making out with this guy while other people were there. My memory lapses for a bit, then I remember everyone being gone. I remember him taking my clothes off. I remember having fun making out, and I remember telling him not to have sex with me. He stuck his dick in and I pushed him off. He did it again a bit later, and said "is that wrong?" then did it at least another time. I blacked out until morning, when I woke up to him touching me and telling me I'm beautiful. I didn't really fight it that time. He took me home a little later (I had no idea where I was). I had an incredible hangover. I laughed it off for a while.
I talk to my boyfriend about it, but honestly he doesn't have the answers for me. How could he? This is my job to figure this out. I don't know what to do with those memories. I don't want to feel victimized, that's a gross feeling (I'm sure most everyone on this forum knows what I mean). I don't know if talking about it really helps. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I don't want to make her sad, and furthermore I kind of doubt that she would do much else than ask me why I got drunk and tell me that having sex is a sin if you are not married to the person you're doing it with.
Does anyone have any advice on how to file this away in my brain? How do you deal with your memories?
Posted 20 May 2010 - 02:22 PM
Posted 21 May 2010 - 07:16 PM
you have no idea how much i needed to read that today. while your words weren't directed at me, they apply to everyone. everyone blames themselves at some point, everyone feels they should have/ could have prevented.
but what your wrote is so true, the only person responsible is the rapist... isn't it weird how i can believe it coming from you, but not from myself?
I have never posted on here until today..so bear with me I am replying to this because i felt a kinship with the whole , " what did i do to deserve this?" It seems that even therapists won't call it rape.. that concerns me too, ;I have been through a lot and got the gunption to press charges only afte the whole restraining order that i havd hoped would help fell through , when we returned to court and it was supposed to go to permanent.I have now gone and it is under investigation, for sexual assault. I hope thtait goes to criminal as there is a warrant , and it is listed under felnny so.. I hope that the prosecuting attorney will uphold a protection order .I think the worst hurt is thE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF SELF DOUBT ..wHAT COULD i HAVE DONE TO STOP THIS ? I know I did not fight at first because i was completely asleep.I have rheumatoid arthritis and so i am fatigued and weaker to begin with from it .The person who attacked me and sexually assaulted me and hurt me (torn or strained right rotator cuff) knew about the RA which makes it , looking back even meaner on his part . It was an ex boyfriend ..but it was nt consenting sex or romantic , or a mistake ..he did it on purpose .. That is what's hard to figure..why could n't I seethat??frustrating would not be the word for it tornangel
Posted 27 May 2010 - 11:45 PM
Posted 08 July 2010 - 01:43 PM