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Who Deserves to Be Here?

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#121 dixiediamond

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Posted 15 July 2010 - 04:25 PM

Thank you; I know when I talked about the most recent abuse I went through with my girlfriend, she didn't see it as a rape...because she knew the person who did it and we were drunk...and so I just sorta felt it was my fault and that I'm just over playing it.

#122 MJ.

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Posted 15 July 2010 - 06:57 PM

:hug: to everyone who needs them.


#123 skysister

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Posted 15 July 2010 - 09:15 PM

I want to say that it meant a lot to read this.

I tend to downplay what happened to me a lot because it seems like nothing in comparison to what a lot of others have been through. I wasn't raped, it wasn't violent. I didn't say no - he coerced me, took advantage of my naivety. He barely touched me, I barely remember it, and for a long time, I think I barely cared. I would read web-pages about child sexual abuse, and they all seemed to talk about "without consent" and "negative emotional impact", and I could only think that what happened to me must not have been sexual assault, because I did consent. I was a child and I didn't understand, but I still consented. Everywhere talked about adults, but he wasn't an adult, he was a teenager, under sixteen. What if we were just kids fooling around? And I don't remember being upset with what he did when it happened, or even for a long time after, so maybe I wanted it. If it was sexual assault, I would have been upset.

Then I think once I accepted it was sexual assault, it got even harder. I try not to think this way, but I always compare what I went through to what others have gone through, because what happened to me is nothing in comparison, nothing at all. Every single time I think about it I wonder why it has the power to make me cry, why I just can't move on, why I'm so upset over something so small.

So thank you for this thread. It's nice to know I am not alone in feeling this.

#124 Graymalkin

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Posted 23 July 2010 - 10:04 PM

This was another thread I made that gotten eaten, so I've reposted :)

So many survivors have expressed to me that their wounds have been minimized by friends and loved ones, who may have told them to get over it, since it happened so long ago, or that it was not a big deal. Other friends may have asked questions like "Why didn't you fight" or "Why were you walking there in the first place?" These doubtful statements and questions only serve to minimize our pain and make us feel as though we do not have a right to feel as we do. It is unfortunate, but sometimes when we reach out for help, we find that our friends and families are not there.

Some of us struggle with minimizing our own experiences. Validating ourselves can be difficult. It's hard to admit that what happened has affected us. Sometimes we look at other people's experiences, judge them to be worse than our own and think we should not feel as badly as we do because othes have had it much worse than we have. I've talked to other survivors who doubt their memories of abuse, which makes the healing process more difficult for them.

Each of our experiences are unique and our reactions to them are just as individual. A friend of mine gives the wise advice, "Honor your process." Honoring our processes is to accept our feelings as legitimate and justified. If you are here because you are healing, I hope that you will honor yourself and your feelings. We all deserve to heal.

Who Deserves to Heal

If you were gang raped, you deserve to heal.

If you were raped once, you deserve to heal.

If you have been raped more than, you deserve to heal.

If someone has sexually assaulted you, you deserve to heal.

If it was attempted rape, you deserve to heal.

If it wasn't rape, if it was unwanted and inappropriate touching, you deserve to heal.

If you did not fight or scream, you deserve to heal.

If you were drugged or too intoxicated to give consent, you deserve to heal.

If you did not say no, but indicated through your actions that you were unnwilling, you deserve to heal.

If you are a man who has been sexually assaulted, you deserve to heal.

If it happened ten or twenty or thirty years ago, you deserve to heal.

If it was incest, you deserve to heal.

If you barely remember it, you deserve to heal.

If you were sexually harrassed, you deserve to heal.

If you are someone who supports, you deserve to heal.

That's all there is to it.

I've met people who have the feelings that their rape was not a particularly "bad rape". My rape was not a physically violent rape. I was only conscious of being raped for a few seconds and when I realized it, my boyfriend violently beat my rapist. He was the only one who got hurt.

It didn't make any difference to me. I had still been raped. It still hurt on the inside. I needed to heal.

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

Thank you so much for that post.

I've been forcing myself to stuff what little i remember away for so long, i only have images and feelings left. I havent been able to or am not willing to work through them, nor can i get rid of them. i dont live either. I exist for others but barely have the energy to do so anymore, so there are very few in my life. Thats ok... since i dont have me. Maybe one day ill have the strength to say what i do remember and acknowledge that it did happen. Thanks to all for sharing your stories. You share your strength, compassion, empathy and a myriad of other gifts by doing so.
im very greatful.


#125 kayliz

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Posted 09 August 2010 - 09:50 PM

Thank you for the posting of this. It seems small, but it is felt oh so big. We need to be constantly reminded that it wasn't our fault, it DID matter, and we all deserve to be healed. May these words you've shared continue to be heard over and over by those who need them.


#126 Bre_Nicole

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Posted 16 August 2010 - 10:38 AM

After reading this I knew that I should join this site. I struggle with blame and feeling that everything was my fault because I made a choice to drink excessively. I also compare my event to those that are extremely violent and terrifying and much worse than what I feel I experienced. There are times when I told myself I didn't deserve to heal because I was to blame and what I deserved was to be punished. I am married now and I also struggle with feeling as bad as someone who committed an infidelity because we were together. I cried when I read this, reading things that connected to my situation so much made me feel like there was a weight being lifted off my shoulder. It feels amazing to know that there are many people out there who understand my feelings. I wish that no one would ever have to go through this kind of hurt. I do believe that everyone deserves to heal, and I am finally realizing that I deserve that to.


#127 kayliz

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Posted 16 August 2010 - 08:58 PM

@ Brianna

Way to go! You can do it! You are absolutely right... You deserve to heal! It wasn't your fault. You may need to hear that a hundred times before you go from knowing it to feeling it.

#128 Marisa

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Posted 29 August 2010 - 11:45 AM

This is my first post, and I really feel like crying. My rapes occurred 44 years ago. I was attacked by 3 men & raped by 2 of them. I was only 14 years old. I never told my parents..........it happened in 1966....my parents were old-fashioned, and I thought I was protecting them from the embarrassment & horror. And you are right......no one really understands, and I feel that people think I should "just get over it." How do you ever do that?

#129 Lilli

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 08:31 AM

Thank you for the post "Who Deserves to Be Here?" It was just what I needed to encourage me to join.

#130 RebeccaL

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Posted 14 September 2010 - 05:18 PM

This is my first post, and I'm not going to lie, I'm extremelly nervous about this. It happened just over three years ago. I'm seventeen. I've only spoken about it all to one person. I figured It was about time I began to search for another support system. To try and find another way to work through everything I'm still feeling. "Who Deserves to be Here?" makes me feel a lot better about this first attempt to face this finally. So thank you for helping me know that I found a safe place.

#131 anorexiquechat

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Posted 16 September 2010 - 08:41 PM

I think I could cry. Thank you for your kind words! ^_^

#132 bonniemarie

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Posted 21 September 2010 - 08:46 AM

dear jes
your story touched my heart,I thought I was the only one out there feeling like others have gone threw much worse than I,so why am I crying everyday,why am I not back at work yet,why has life closed in on me.No-one really sees the pain or understands why you can not just shake it off and get over it. I feel like putting a bandage around my head, so people could understand and see that Iam still hurting and not healed

#133 Guest_zammus_*

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:31 PM


Hello to you all~

I just caught myself doing something that I have done all of my life. Avoidance. Avoiding whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable rather that allowing myself to internalize and process. I am guessing this is why I am so far behind in the way of "healing", in despite all my years of "recovery". My childhood was a living nightmare in all ways a horrible childhood could be, (and I am not exaggerating). I have heard many people laugh and comment, "nobody had a great childhood."

I read the poem above and so quickly distracted myself by reading the first reply, then by writing here that I am not sure that I will remember how it made me feel. I will try to. I also would like to add that I caught myself "avoiding" and stopped myself after reading only one reply. That is progress for the Queen of Avoidance!

This is what I remember feeling; validated, teary eyed, lump in throat, boulder in gut, sense of happiness, sadness, fear, amazed(that I know I didn't write this but felt like it), weak, thrilled, pensive, *sigh*, wow!, Such a wide range of emotions and thoughts that I have a right to "feel". Proof that I can "feel" through this cast-iron suit that spent 45 years to build.

For the first time ever in all my years I feel as though I am in the right place. Following thought is: "I hope I won't be let down~(more fear!). (Man, my thoughts are all followed with negativity that I hope to change!).

Thank you all for finally being a part of my life. You are needed and important to me. ~Stacia

#134 Guest_zammus_*

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:55 PM

Hi, I am new here, (as of yesterday). I just read this wonderful posting and then replied pouring my heart out openly and honestly. It was difficult for me to expose my vulnerability and then BOOM! I got kicked off the internet and lost all that I had to say.

In brief, I finally feel after all these years that I am in the right place. Despite all the "recovery work", battles, money, nightmares, anger, and there were a lot of good times too... etc, I still need help. I have heard many people comment that "Nobody had the perfect childhood". I had the most horrific upbringing in every living nightmare imaginable and I am not exaggerating.

This poem really moved me> I had a wide range of emotions but as "The Queen of Avoidance" inside of this cast iron suit that took 45 years to build, I am not in touch with how I feel at the moment. I do remember being wowed, sad, scared, validated, happy, comforted, weak, vulnerable, fearful as I read it.

Thank you for being a part of my life finally. I appreciate you all and I feel safe. Amazing!! ~Stacia

#135 Guest_zammus_*

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Posted 06 October 2010 - 06:58 PM

HA! Check it out. My first response did post after all! It must have been meant to be! I was just sick when I saw it vanish and tried to re-feel all that I felt so easily the first time around. Haha, I love it. Looking forward to meeting you all!

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