Posted 22 March 2010 - 09:49 PM
It was a weird day. I had a dream last night that I saw the guy (steven) who took advantage of me (hard to say "raped"...) and I talked to him, although the whole time I didn't want to talk to him. I was attracted to him in the dream and we made plans to hang out, even though I didn't actually want to. I woke up feeling weird, and glad that I was next to my partner, not steven. I didn't say anything to my boyfriend until I was on my way to work, when it started to really bother me. I called him and we talked a little. When I got off the phone, the program on the radio was focusing on sexual assault issues, and there were a lot of stories that sparked painful & productive thoughts.
I try to just not think about that night that happened 4 months ago, but I think about it usually once a day or so. I was new in town and at a bar. I ended up getting really wasted, and a few guys were following me around. I liked the attention, and I went to an after party with some of my new friends, but I didn't pay attention (I couldn't) how to get home. I vaguely remember making out with this guy while other people were there. My memory lapses for a bit, then I remember everyone being gone. I remember him taking my clothes off. I remember having fun making out, and I remember telling him not to have sex with me. He stuck his dick in and I pushed him off. He did it again a bit later, and said "is that wrong?" then did it at least another time. I blacked out until morning, when I woke up to him touching me and telling me I'm beautiful. I didn't really fight it that time. He took me home a little later (I had no idea where I was). I had an incredible hangover. I laughed it off for a while.
I talk to my boyfriend about it, but honestly he doesn't have the answers for me. How could he? This is my job to figure this out. I don't know what to do with those memories. I don't want to feel victimized, that's a gross feeling (I'm sure most everyone on this forum knows what I mean). I don't know if talking about it really helps. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I don't want to make her sad, and furthermore I kind of doubt that she would do much else than ask me why I got drunk and tell me that having sex is a sin if you are not married to the person you're doing it with.
Does anyone have any advice on how to file this away in my brain? How do you deal with your memories?