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Who Deserves to Be Here?

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#106 Marii

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Posted 04 February 2010 - 03:11 AM

I don't quite know where to start with my story. I guess it started when I was around seven. With my cousins from my mom and dad's side of the family. I was molested by my older cousin who is three years older than me. He would first do little things like show me his private area or touch my butt. I usually just ignored the stuff like that. He started to get more physical with me. He would trap me in corners and rub on my private area, or would kiss my neck and would encourage me to play "house" with him. Since I was little I loved to play house. But he was always the daddy, and I was always the mommy. It got to the point where I started being afraid to be left alone with him. Then it was my very older cousin. I always want to believe that everything he has done to me that I remember is just part of my imagination. Since it happened so long ago. He would actually pull my pants down along with his and rub his private area on mine. I don't think that's qualified as rape, so I've never been raped. But I have been molested, and it still goes on. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. The last time I was molested was two weeks ago. I spent the night over my cousin's house and as I was sleeping her brother would lay on top of me and feel me up and down. I pretended to stay asleep, but what if something like this happens again? I don't think I can take anymore. I thought this would pass and I would continue just living my life, but everything haunts me. Only two people that I personally know actually know my story. I tried to tell my cousin, but she didn't believe a word I was saying. I told her when I was about 10 or 11. I couldn't dare tell my parents. I cry in private all the time. I'm having family issues because my dad's idea of going somewhere to hang out is going over his friend's house while he smokes and gets drunk and I'm just there. So please tell me, is what I'm feeling weird in my situation? I'm so confused on what I need to do. Sorry I am bothering you with my problems, but this has been bothering me and I've been searching everywhere to find someone to listen.

This is my first post on here. Thanks SO SO SO much for listening. I deeply appreciate it.

With Love,

Marii P

#107 Mel17

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Posted 07 February 2010 - 02:51 PM

Sometimes I feel like my rape wasn't real "rape". I was 16, I'm about to be 17 now, ina bout a week. It happened 2 days before Thanksgiving, so thats about a little over 2 months since it happened. He was 18, and I'd been dating him for only 3 weeks when it happened. I didn't press charges because I felt that I wouldn't be believed, everyone thinks hes such a great guy. Plus, his friends and my friends had seen us together and we seemed happy, like there was nothing wrong with our relationship. Looking back, I realize that it was abusive from the beginning, before the rape. He was controllying. Always pressuring me. Sometimes I hate mysel ffor not seeing the signs. I didn't tell anyone what had happened until a week after it, if I could do it over, I would have pressed charges. I would have went to the hospital that very night. But I was scared and didn't know exactly what had happened. I wasn't beaten, there wasn't a eapon, so I thought "how could it have been rape?". I ralize now that it was. I still can't say it outloud. I can type it and I can think it but I can't say "I was raped." outloud. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to say those words. I'm new to this site btw, this is only my second post.

#108 LozzyB

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Posted 25 February 2010 - 06:05 AM

Thank you soo much for putting that up Jes, I really needed to read that today :down:

#109 LeeLoo

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Posted 02 March 2010 - 02:49 PM

Thank you for posting this. It makes me feel more acceptable here.

#110 DnomiadbM

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Posted 20 March 2010 - 09:22 PM

This is an awesome post. It's reassuring - especially to someone new who may be lurking around, wondering if they really belong here or not, trying to get up the nerve to post something, anything, somewhere.

Thank you.

#111 lindseylindsey

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Posted 22 March 2010 - 09:49 PM

Helpful words!

It was a weird day. I had a dream last night that I saw the guy (steven) who took advantage of me (hard to say "raped"...) and I talked to him, although the whole time I didn't want to talk to him. I was attracted to him in the dream and we made plans to hang out, even though I didn't actually want to. I woke up feeling weird, and glad that I was next to my partner, not steven. I didn't say anything to my boyfriend until I was on my way to work, when it started to really bother me. I called him and we talked a little. When I got off the phone, the program on the radio was focusing on sexual assault issues, and there were a lot of stories that sparked painful & productive thoughts.

I try to just not think about that night that happened 4 months ago, but I think about it usually once a day or so. I was new in town and at a bar. I ended up getting really wasted, and a few guys were following me around. I liked the attention, and I went to an after party with some of my new friends, but I didn't pay attention (I couldn't) how to get home. I vaguely remember making out with this guy while other people were there. My memory lapses for a bit, then I remember everyone being gone. I remember him taking my clothes off. I remember having fun making out, and I remember telling him not to have sex with me. He stuck his dick in and I pushed him off. He did it again a bit later, and said "is that wrong?" then did it at least another time. I blacked out until morning, when I woke up to him touching me and telling me I'm beautiful. I didn't really fight it that time. He took me home a little later (I had no idea where I was). I had an incredible hangover. I laughed it off for a while.

I talk to my boyfriend about it, but honestly he doesn't have the answers for me. How could he? This is my job to figure this out. I don't know what to do with those memories. I don't want to feel victimized, that's a gross feeling (I'm sure most everyone on this forum knows what I mean). I don't know if talking about it really helps. I want to talk to my mom about it, but I don't want to make her sad, and furthermore I kind of doubt that she would do much else than ask me why I got drunk and tell me that having sex is a sin if you are not married to the person you're doing it with.

Does anyone have any advice on how to file this away in my brain? How do you deal with your memories?


#112 loveveryday

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Posted 30 March 2010 - 11:05 AM

Thank. you

#113 oklahomadragonfly

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Posted 18 April 2010 - 12:11 PM

I really needed to read this today. Thanks so much. I'm learning I have downplayed my story/history tremendously. So hearing that I deserve to heal and be able to move on was gratifying. :)

#114 finallyhadenough

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Posted 20 May 2010 - 02:22 PM

I am still not sure if I belong here or not. You see I was not raped while walking through the park or at a party, I am not even sure what I have been through counts as rape. I have been married for almost seven years now, and over the years there are several times when I have been woken up out of a dead sleep and forced to give my husband what he wants if I didn't he pulled my hair pushed me into him and held me down. Right now I am planning on leaving him. I am tired of the I am sorry it wont happen again, I was half asleep and did not know what I was doing... But it has also happened randomly during the day he has rarely left bruises but it still hurt and I love him he is the father of my children but I can't stand for him to touch me anymore. Anyways idk if I was supposed to reveal this much right off but I need help, I need to know I am making the right decision by not giving him yet another chance.There is a lot more to this story but I think I may have said to much already. Thanks again for letting me join.

#115 tornangel

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Posted 21 May 2010 - 07:16 PM

you have no idea how much i needed to read that today. while your words weren't directed at me, they apply to everyone. everyone blames themselves at some point, everyone feels they should have/ could have prevented.
but what your wrote is so true, the only person responsible is the rapist... isn't it weird how i can believe it coming from you, but not from myself?

I have never posted on here until today..so bear with me I am replying to this because i felt a kinship with the whole , " what did i do to deserve this?" It seems that even therapists won't call it rape.. that concerns me too, ;I have been through a lot and got the gunption to press charges only afte the whole restraining order that i havd hoped would help fell through , when we returned to court and it was supposed to go to permanent.I have now gone and it is under investigation, for sexual assault. I hope thtait goes to criminal as there is a warrant , and it is listed under felnny so.. I hope that the prosecuting attorney will uphold a protection order .I think the worst hurt is thE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF SELF DOUBT ..wHAT COULD i HAVE DONE TO STOP THIS ? I know I did not fight at first because i was completely asleep.I have rheumatoid arthritis and so i am fatigued and weaker to begin with from it .The person who attacked me and sexually assaulted me and hurt me (torn or strained right rotator cuff) knew about the RA which makes it , looking back even meaner on his part . It was an ex boyfriend ..but it was nt consenting sex or romantic , or a mistake ..he did it on purpose .. That is what's hard to figure..why could n't I seethat??frustrating would not be the word for it tornangel

#116 Caitx3

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Posted 27 May 2010 - 11:45 PM

This makes me feel better about speaking out and talking about my rape. I have a hard time talking about it with people mostly because I feel like they will blame me. Like I shouldn't have been there, or I should have been more aware, or I should have fought back. Maybe they are right but no one asks for this. I deserve to heal. Rape is rape no matter how, where, or when it happens. Thank you so much.

#117 Eliza

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Posted 07 June 2010 - 05:38 PM

I've only known for a little while that I do deserve to heal and I will try to continue by honoring the process, as you say. Thank you so much for this post.

#118 Tagen

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Posted 09 June 2010 - 05:56 AM

Thankyou. It was.. reassuring :). And I really needed to read that.

#119 2ndchance

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Posted 07 July 2010 - 09:59 PM

Thank you.

#120 helden05

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Posted 08 July 2010 - 01:43 PM

Thank you. My feelings were blown off by the first person I told (my boyfriend at the time). He also happened to be a friend of the person who raped me. I guess he chose him over me. Reading this reassures me that my ex boyfriend was wrong, and it makes me feel better about our recent break up. I don't need someone who doesn't understand me and will continue to hang out with the person who raped me and pretend like it's nothing. I have better people in my life that validate my feelings just as this post has, so thank you again.

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