That was a great introduction, so validating - something I really need right now. I'm new here, too, and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place - nothing is working right.
***WARNING FOR LANGUAGE***
As a child, I survived emotional neglect by my parents and verbal abuse by those who were supposed to be caretakers. I'm a survivor of eight previous sexual assaults, including a date rape almost identical to the one that happened two weeks ago (except that 16 years ago, I'd known the guy for several years).
Because of the circumstances around this latest one, I've had to defend and explain myself to my (otherwise great) therapists (individual and group) and one of my best friends, who doesn't understand how I could be in denial for a week - even laugh about this guy she found totally disgusting (someone in this thread mentioned something similar) - and then fall apart. I told her up front, I usually appreciate her total honesty and telling me what she thinks and not what I want to hear, but in this situation, I just need her support - and if she felt that compromised her integrity, she didn't have to be a part of this. I guess she thought I meant I wanted her to hold back for two weeks, because tonight, she sent me an email that said she wasn't trying to minimize my pain, but that SPOILER, highlight to show content
[color=#A9CAA8;background:#A9CAA8]people got through the Holocaust (if I'd been in a less vulnerable place, I would've told her that six million didn't) and that women survived female circumcision [/color] so I'd be fine. She also knows that I've been having physical and visual flashbacks to an attempted rape when I was 14 (on the street), and she made some comment about "let it go."
But it was a few little words at the beginning that set me off: she wrote "from now on, remember - always have safe sex!" And I was LIVID, because that was
the assault: he refused to wear a condom, and I said clearly and directly that I would not
have intercourse without a condom. I even stopped everything to talk to him about it, and he seemed to agree. I take safer sex extremely seriously. And then, without going into details, suddenly he was inside me (without a condom). I didn't even know it until he made an explicit comment, and I had to ask him, because I couldn't believe what I heard. And that stupid fucking look of smugness on his face, like he was doing me a favor. I wanted to hit him, but instead, I pushed him away (and he was LAUGHING!), gave him a really angry talk, thought about kicking him out... and then continued doing 'everything but' - more shame and guilt.
About my judgmental friend, I sent her a scathing email, trying to balance my appreciation for her friendship and acknowledging that she was trying to help while trying very, very hard not to say "FUCK YOU!" But I don't even feel like I should have to explain myself to her, much less thank her for having good intentions. As I put it in the email, "I don't give a shit about anything right now. Frankly, it's all about me."
I'm not sure all of this is appropriate for this thread - my feelings and thoughts and moods change so fast, from hating myself, to being pissed off at her, to reverting to my 14-year-old self's reactions, to imagining yelling at my therapist (nutshell: I set up a situation in which he thought he could get away with it)... The only thing I don't think about is retaliation, or getting pissed off at him, because I genuinely think he's a sociopath, and nothing I could express would have any impact on him whatsoever. Or maybe I have so much rage bottled up that I can't access it yet.... And sometimes, I just think I'm going crazy. I think, "people have unsafe sex every day, what's the big deal?" and "It was just a couple of minutes," and "you would've had sex if he'd worn a condom, so is it really that different?" The bottom line is that I said NO, and he ignored me. (Now, if only I can keep remembering that)
Thanks for listening.