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Who Deserves to Be Here?

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#46 Shannon

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 10:40 AM

Your post was wonderful to read, HPPowered :)

#47 butterfli

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 11:27 PM

Thank you for your answers. I hate thanking you for validating what my loved ones say (those who actually know) but its nice to know that my freaking out is because of it that I wasn't being stupid. I still can't say that word. I hate it that there are so many people on here. It's sad that there is so much evil in the world.

#48 LostInSpace

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Posted 08 March 2008 - 12:51 AM

That was a great introduction, so validating - something I really need right now. I'm new here, too, and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place - nothing is working right.


As a child, I survived emotional neglect by my parents and verbal abuse by those who were supposed to be caretakers. I'm a survivor of eight previous sexual assaults, including a date rape almost identical to the one that happened two weeks ago (except that 16 years ago, I'd known the guy for several years).

Because of the circumstances around this latest one, I've had to defend and explain myself to my (otherwise great) therapists (individual and group) and one of my best friends, who doesn't understand how I could be in denial for a week - even laugh about this guy she found totally disgusting (someone in this thread mentioned something similar) - and then fall apart. I told her up front, I usually appreciate her total honesty and telling me what she thinks and not what I want to hear, but in this situation, I just need her support - and if she felt that compromised her integrity, she didn't have to be a part of this. I guess she thought I meant I wanted her to hold back for two weeks, because tonight, she sent me an email that said she wasn't trying to minimize my pain, but that SPOILER, highlight to show content
[color=#A9CAA8;background:#A9CAA8]people got through the Holocaust (if I'd been in a less vulnerable place, I would've told her that six million didn't) and that women survived female circumcision [/color] so I'd be fine. She also knows that I've been having physical and visual flashbacks to an attempted rape when I was 14 (on the street), and she made some comment about "let it go."

But it was a few little words at the beginning that set me off: she wrote "from now on, remember - always have safe sex!" And I was LIVID, because that was the assault: he refused to wear a condom, and I said clearly and directly that I would not have intercourse without a condom. I even stopped everything to talk to him about it, and he seemed to agree. I take safer sex extremely seriously. And then, without going into details, suddenly he was inside me (without a condom). I didn't even know it until he made an explicit comment, and I had to ask him, because I couldn't believe what I heard. And that stupid fucking look of smugness on his face, like he was doing me a favor. I wanted to hit him, but instead, I pushed him away (and he was LAUGHING!), gave him a really angry talk, thought about kicking him out... and then continued doing 'everything but' - more shame and guilt.

About my judgmental friend, I sent her a scathing email, trying to balance my appreciation for her friendship and acknowledging that she was trying to help while trying very, very hard not to say "FUCK YOU!" But I don't even feel like I should have to explain myself to her, much less thank her for having good intentions. As I put it in the email, "I don't give a shit about anything right now. Frankly, it's all about me."

I'm not sure all of this is appropriate for this thread - my feelings and thoughts and moods change so fast, from hating myself, to being pissed off at her, to reverting to my 14-year-old self's reactions, to imagining yelling at my therapist (nutshell: I set up a situation in which he thought he could get away with it)... The only thing I don't think about is retaliation, or getting pissed off at him, because I genuinely think he's a sociopath, and nothing I could express would have any impact on him whatsoever. Or maybe I have so much rage bottled up that I can't access it yet.... And sometimes, I just think I'm going crazy. I think, "people have unsafe sex every day, what's the big deal?" and "It was just a couple of minutes," and "you would've had sex if he'd worn a condom, so is it really that different?" The bottom line is that I said NO, and he ignored me. (Now, if only I can keep remembering that)

Thanks for listening.

#49 Guest_lindie1972_*

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Posted 09 March 2008 - 09:57 PM

I was raped in 1993 on my birthday, I was in a rehab. center after after having brain surgery in 1992. I was put in the center so I could learn to be on my own, because I having a reoccurring illness called epilepsy. But on my birthday, my friends had took me out to dinner and we were going to go back to the center to play volleyball before curfew. I was wearing a dress that night that i had graduted high school in and i was walking up the hill instead of going up under the main building to the elevators and that way, but as I was walking up the hill, I walked up the hill, and past the wall where i couldn't see anyone standing there on the outside the campus.
The guy that did this to me I played cards with several times and he seemed to be a nice person, but that night he was drunk and he was very mean and did a number on me. He ripped my dress and beat me up and sexually abused me, then threatened me if I told anyone he would kill me, I didn't know what to do. So i snuck back in to the rehab center, up the the student union where a friend of mine found me. He went and got the rest of my friends and then they worked on a way to get me back to my dorm, but the the security seen me and told my house parent at my dorm and she came up and seen what had happened to me.
My face was bruised, I had a black eye, and other mark on my body, I hurt all over.
The next day I went to class and my instructor thought I was wearing make-up and I went and wsahed my face and when she realized I wasn't i was sent over to employ ability until I was healed. I was so scared to walk alone, so my friends started a watch group for me and I didn't have to worry about not having someone keeping their eyes on me. The bad thing about all this is after it happened is I wouldn't talk to my parent for a long time, they always talked to my friends, but I was standing there telling my friend what to say. I was so scared that I was afraid to talk to them. Then one day mom got a hold of me, because I was out late the night before, and when she called the next day, I had to answer he phone on my floor.
I finished my course in August and went home. I had to go to the doctor the have a physical, he did some test, then the nurse come back and started asking questions. I just fell apart. I told the nurse and doctor what happened and they told mom. My kidneys, bladder, and other parts of my system was messed up pretty bad, but luckily i was able to be put on medication to get strightened up. I was so scared as long as I stayed where we living at, at the time. I had nightmares for a very long time and still do, but not as much except when the date comes around.
When we left and moved south for a while the pressure seemed to go away, but the memories are still in the
back of my mind. But I've come a Long ways to overcome of being afriad of people again, i was so afraid of certain people with certain looks, but i've overcome that now.
I just still have that haunting memory in the back of my mind.

#50 megan123

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Posted 22 March 2008 - 11:26 PM

thanks i needed to read that . I'm really doubtin myself if i deserve to be here and heal and be ble to talk about it. I was R*ped more than once by my ex bf. and by a stranger as well. all in the same year. I blame myself everyday. And reading that post really helps. Thank you

#51 angelbaby

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Posted 23 March 2008 - 01:16 AM

this post actually made me cry. I am so hard on myself, sometimes thinking I don't deserve to heal because I didn't fight back with my father. I let him buy me things, I let him buy my silence. Maybe I do deserve to heal. Thank you for this post.

#52 SurvivingTheStorm

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Posted 23 March 2008 - 03:07 PM

This is a great post...I read it again. I need the reminder that I deserve to be here no matter what happened... :hug:

#53 azcrum

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Posted 30 March 2008 - 02:50 AM

Wow, that is so powerful and I found it very comforting. I just got here and am new to the site and I already feel at home.

I am sure all of you know how it feels when someone tells you to "just get over it and move on". I do know that this comment comes from those who have no idea what we all have been through in our lives....The person in my life that says it over and over is my own Mother.....I don't get angry anymore when she says it but I do feel pity for her because she has her own Hell that she has lived through. My own mother decided to stay with the man who molested me for 6 years instead of telling him to leave the home.....I have my own love hate relationship with my mother.
I do know that I am worth as much in this world as the next person but this has taken years to achieve. I look forward to being on the site and glad I found it. And, I am glad I had this message to read as one of the first.....


#54 Shannon

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Posted 30 March 2008 - 06:17 PM

Welcome to Pandy's, Pam :)

#55 green_eyed_girl

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Posted 08 April 2008 - 05:19 PM

Thank you I needed that so much today. I just joined today and told my story to my fiance this weekend, the first time I had told anyone. We're having a hard time getting through it.

#56 Shannon

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Posted 08 April 2008 - 06:22 PM

Good for you for breaking your silence!

#57 NekoNeko79

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Posted 02 May 2008 - 10:30 AM

It's good to read everyone else's experiences. It makes me feel a little less vulnerable about posting mine.

Mine is... well, how do I describe it? When I think about it I feel sick, stupid, & ashamed. I feel like I should have done something or said something to keep it from happening. I feel like it isn't as "valid" as other people's b/c some people haven't believed me.

When I was younger, my older sister would sexually molest my little sister & I. It wasn't a sexual thing, I know that. She liked having us under her control. She'd randomly come up to us & grab our breasts calling it "squeekaing our boobies". She'd brainwash us one after the other into holding the other down so she could do whatever she wanted. She'd persuade one of us to hold the other down so she could try to shove her fingers inside of us, saying things she thought was funny such as "in goes the choo choo". Then she'd play us off the other & get the other one of us to hold the other one down another day (it could be a few months later or a few days later) or tie the other person up. When I think of the times she manipulated me into doing that to my sister, it makes me physically ill. For a while I deteriorated into self harm b/c I feel like that is what I deserve for not standing up to her & refusing to do help her, but God help me... at the time I was just so grateful that it wasn't me she was doing it to. I've talked to my little sister about it & she's forgiven me for it her reasoning was the same as mine. She did it so it wouldn't be her that time.

When she wasn't abusing us sexually, it was emotional abuse (sometimes physical). She'd sometimes take a swing at us or call us names. She loved getting other people to do her work for her, since that was she could stand back & claim that it wasn't her fault. I remember that she loved to take what few friends I did have & turn them against me as well. I also remember how she'd get her friends to stand around & taunt me, only to make some half-assed rescue later so she could feel superior. At first I thought it was her finally acting like a sister, until I came up behind her one day as she was cruelly mocking me to her friends. Even so, half of the things they said in public weren't nearly as bad as what she'd say at home. Her favorite story was that my parents picked me up out of a pigpen & that my mother was a sow. I remember her getting my little sister to join in & circle around me yelling "Sow, sow, you mother was a sow!" My dad & stepmom both worked, so they were never at home for this. My mom was in California & my grandparents were in another city.

As for anyone believing me, at that point my older sister knew how to work the system. She was little miss good grades & band camp. I'd fallen into such deep depression that I just gave up on everything & spent all my time in my room. You would have thought that my dad or stepmom would have picked up on that, but every time I tried to complain, my sis turned it around to where it was my fault & that I was just trying to cause problems. I could never win an argument. Eventually I just learned to deal with it by denying it. If I pretended like yesterday afternoon didn't happen, eventually I would forget it. It almost worked. Finally, my dad asked me if my older sister had molested my sister & I... and I was so thorougly brainwashed that I said no.

Now I'm 28 & I haven't had a successful relationship ever. I can't have sex without freaking out, so I'm still a virgin. It's so bad that it's to the point that I SPOILER, highlight to show content
[color=#A9CAA8;background:#A9CAA8]can't even masturbate without having a panic attack. I'm hiding that part b/c I know that some people might get offended by that. [/color] I'm finally getting to the point when I'm admitting that I need therapy, but I still feel ashamed. Part of me tells myself that I don't deserve treatment & that I'm just "looking for attention". Even as I type this, I feel like I should delete this since the whole thing is "me, me, me" & that the only person who deserves to write anything is my little sister. I look at other people's posts & I don't feel like I have the right to post anything.

I don't know anymore.

#58 baldamazon

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Posted 24 May 2008 - 10:17 PM

I just joined tonight. I wasnt sure that I belonged here, but after reading this, I feel a lot better about being here. thank you

#59 nowIunderstand

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Posted 28 May 2008 - 07:56 PM

Here goes my first post.

For me, negative and unsupportive reactions from friends and loved ones was an experience I was not prepared for.

I feel silenced. My fear of being minimized and silenced is driving me crazy.

My boyfriend appears to lately come around though. I has been seven months since I first got flashbacks of an assault which happened to me three years earlier. I had blocked out the memory of it. I have been very frustrated by his lack of initiative to educate himself on how to be supportive of me. He finally is reading books I gave him and seems to become more sensitive to my needs. I realize I still feel a lot of anger towards him, for what I perceived as his minimizing of my experience. hmm, I didn't mean to get distracted by talking about him right now, though.

I wrote an article about my experience of being a sexual assault survivor. I finally feel it is "good enough" to put it out in the world. And, I'm experiencing dread at the thought of publishing it somewhere online, or mailing it out to the social circles of the perpetrator. I have emailed it to friends and acquintances. I had positive and not so positive remarks about it.

I'm worried about chickening out.

It was very helpful to me to read some books about secondary victimization: specifically "the second rape" and the "second assault" can't give names of authors right now, since I lent the books to my boyfriend to read at the moment.

#60 Hales

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Posted 05 June 2008 - 08:03 AM

Welcome to the board nowIunderstand, I am so glad you have found us here :)

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