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Who Deserves to Be Here?

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#31 blondie2002

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Posted 26 November 2007 - 08:08 PM

Thanks for the reminder, I needed it. :(

#32 freedom

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Posted 07 January 2008 - 06:57 AM

:D my first post hear.
that was really good to hear,its such a great encouragment to know that no matter the circumstance we all deserve healing and love. This site is such a great place to come and feel excepted.
Thankyou for the support.
Emma :yay:

#33 songbird427

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Posted 20 January 2008 - 11:32 PM

Thank you so much for sharing this. It really has me thinking.
I'm not sure which of these things on the list actually happened, and which have been blurred into the rape category without my knowledge over time. "No" has just never seemed to work for me. I guess people can tell when you won't fight. I quit trying to say "no" before the 1st time was over, and sometimes i still just feel like it's happening. So in a way it feels like a 24 year rape. A 35 year molestation. When I say "no" several times in a day and finally at the end of the day when I'm asleep and he tries again...and I "resign"...I feel raped even though my husband thinks that meant "yes".

Edited by songbird427, 20 January 2008 - 11:34 PM.

#34 harp

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Posted 21 January 2008 - 07:29 AM


thankyou for this post. i realize you posted it a long time ago and i just came across it today. thank you i needed to hear those reasons to heal because i dont believe that i deserve to heal. it is easier for me to offer my support, caring, understanding to everyone els here than to believe that i am good enough to heal for myself. sounds stupid i know but the inside me tells me it is true.

why does this process have to hurt and ache so much inside?


#35 Hales

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Posted 21 January 2008 - 10:01 AM


Thanks so much for posting this. I've been reading through this a lot over the past few weeks as I needed to see that I belong here and deserve this place.


#36 wify

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Posted 04 February 2008 - 10:37 AM

i'm new to this forum but so glad to have found this board, i've come along way from my abuse but still find myself dealing with the everyday reminders depression, insomia, anxiety attacks.

Edited by wify, 04 February 2008 - 10:49 AM.

#37 Shannon

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Posted 04 February 2008 - 11:10 AM

i'm new to this forum but so glad to have found this board, i've come along way from my abuse but still find myself dealing with the everyday reminders depression, insomia, anxiety attacks.

Welcome to the board!

#38 whatnow08

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 06:11 AM

Thank you for that... I know now that Ive found the right place!

#39 Maggie

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 11:19 PM

Thank you Jes for this post - While I know I was R*PED and I know that I said NO and I know that it HURT - I needed to hear your words.

Now I need to keep reminding myself of them.

I've told my story here before, I guess each time hoping for validation, which I still struggle with.

Simply - I was sexually active BY CHOICE with a guy 7 years older than me (I was 17); when he changed and became verbally abusive and controlling I broke it off with him. That's when he raped me, I cried, I asked him to stop and let me go. I didn't report it, I was too ashamed after a supposed friend told me I deserved what had happened becasue I had been sexually active before with him. then he began stalking me until a newer bf (not aware of the rape) chased him off. I didn't tell anyone else for about 6 years.

This happened approx. 35 years ago. I had a terrific loving and safe childhood. I didn't get pregnant from the rape. The few bruises on my arms where he held me were easy to hide and faded fast. Aside from some unwelcome roving hands on the city subway in rush hour, I had few other BAD sex experiences. I spent a short time being promiscuous and having sex just to be able to say I chose to do this. Again, I got away without anything serious haoppening. then I met a wonderful man, amrried him, still married, I told him about the rape a few years after we got married, he's been wonderfully supportive, we are still married and have a very loving and passionate life together with a family.

So I just feel plain STUPID for getting triggered by some stuff a few years ago. And now I can't turn it off.

I come here and read about others who have suffered long time abuse, recent violence, severe injuries, who dont' have a supportive partner and I feel like an idiot.

Ao I need to read your words. thank you.

#40 beth827

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Posted 26 February 2008 - 08:35 AM

Wow - I am new to this site, and reading that post was amazing. I have often used the fact that the bad things that have happened to me did not involve a gun. I don't know why that has always been what has devalued my experience. I guess I always figured someone was out there who had it much worse and if they were "ok" then I had no right to be struggling with what I am struggling with.

Also, lately I have begun to deal with bad shit that has happened to me when I was really really young. I barely, barely barely remember it. In fact the majority of the memories are in flashbacks or physical memories. These are new, in the sense that they did not used to happen. I feel like I must be making them up, even though I know I am not. It was so REASSURING (sp?) to see that line "if you barely remember it".

I guess that is all I wanted to say. Posting on this kinda makes me scared, I am not sure why, just does.

Thats all.

-me :shy:

#41 Hales

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Posted 26 February 2008 - 09:55 AM

Hi Beth and welcome!

I'm glad you have found us here but I'm sorry for what you have been through. You do deserve to be here :) but what you are feeling is valid. Please try not to compare yourself to other survivors, we all deal with what happened to us differently.
I hope that this site can be of some use to you, we are always here if you need us.

Take care


#42 butterfli

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Posted 26 February 2008 - 07:37 PM

I have a question. I never thought of it as rape. I still don't give it that word to what my partner did to me in 2006. I just think of it as he wouldn't take no for an answer. The only time I feel it, is when I get close to actually having sex. Then I reach one certain point and I freak out. Is it still rape though if you don't feel it. It sounds so stupid to me when I ask that. There is a part of me that is digusted with me making me feel like I'm just seeking attention. I'm sorry for being stupid but there is a part of me deep down inside that would like to know the answer to that question.

#43 Maggie

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Posted 27 February 2008 - 10:10 AM

he wouldn't take no for an answer

that's my definition of rape. Sorry you had that happen to you.

#44 Shalom

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Posted 27 February 2008 - 07:53 PM

I come here and read about others who have suffered long time abuse, recent violence, severe injuries, who dont' have a supportive partner and I feel like an idiot.

You're not an idiot. Pain is pain; there's no checklist you have to fill out to have the right to hurt, or to have flashbacks, or to experience anything related to that pain. There is no way to accurately compare two peoples' experiences, or their pain, either, because there are just too many variables. Anything from your age at the time to how you were raised to your physical sensitivity to your coping skills can have a major influence on how much pain someone feels. The details of the actual abuse are only one of many pertinent influences. So you may feel like an idiot, but while that feeling is perfectly valid, it doesn't actually reflect the reality of the situation, if you see the difference. :)

"She didn't want it and he did it anyway" is pretty much my definition of rape as well - and where it isn't my definition of rape is just that the pronouns aren't always right (sometimes it's "He didn't want it and she did it anyway," etc.). Another definition of rape I like is "sex without joyous consent." If they nag you into it, coerce you, harrass you, or in any way ignore your unwillingness or have sex with you when you are not ABLE to consent (when you are asleep or unconscious, for instance), I consider that rape.


Edited by Shalom, 27 February 2008 - 07:56 PM.

#45 HPPowered

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Posted 27 February 2008 - 11:58 PM

I belong here!!! Your post is right on. I have traveled many miles in my recovery. There has been a long pause but my soul is needing to deal with a big chunk of my past now and whether I feel I am ready or not, the memories are here full force and I can't hide in my silence anymore. Two weeks ago, I had a blizzard of memory recall of full detail Technicolor. I had shared minimally and with owning responsibility in the past and had I believed it was nothing, I wouldn't be here right now finding my voice and roaring to the nations "NO! It was not my fault! I didn't ask for it! I didn't seek the brutality! I didn't harm! He did and he did and he did. Thank you for these affirmations of my existence!

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