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Who Deserves to Be Here?

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#16 laura04

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Posted 16 March 2007 - 03:16 PM

Thank you so much for posting this! I often doubt myself and my need to heal. I was only raped once and I was really drunk when it happened and I was already fooling around with the guy. Although I told him that I did not want to have intercourse, I just wanted to fool around, I realized that he had not listened. Since I had put myself in the position of fooling around with a guy I had just met and since I drank so much, I often blame myself. I just had my 5 year anniversary on Feb. 16 and the self-blame is still there, but getting better. I definitely needed to be reminded that it was not my fault and that I deserve to heal. So thanks!

#17 PrincessVader

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Posted 16 March 2007 - 04:59 PM

((((((Thank you, Shannon.))))))

Part of the problem was that I let this person into the house at 2 AM. You see, I have no problem with men or women who work the night shift. I am a writer and editor, and I prefer to work late at night. Also, I have two neighbors who work nights. One is a sheriff's deputy, and the other is a tow-truck driver. These are both honorable men. Also, my neighbor with whom this person stays insisted many times that he is trustworthy, even though I know he has a violent temper. That night that I was so desperately in need, I decided to take her word on that.

So, now that it appears to this counselor, who is a trainee in the office, that I am merely whining over a bad choice, how do I move on to better choices. I have a clinical depression that I have had for twenty years, and I have worked very hard to bring myself back up from that level. This act set me back at least 5 years, that I know of. So, moving on is now that much harder. How do I quickly get healed enough to move on? :beatsme:


Hugs, :hug:


#18 PrincessVader

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Posted 16 March 2007 - 05:18 PM

Oh, PS:

My soulmate, with whom I also work in the publishing biz, just said that he's tired of living in a rented home and tired of seeing me live in a trailer, so he wants to push full-steam ahead with the publishing to get us more money and some freedom for at least a little while. I appreciated that SOOOOO much! :bee: (as in "busy as...")

Princess :hug:

#19 cherished_89

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Posted 17 March 2007 - 11:51 AM

Hey Princess, thanks for sharing that story.

I must admit, though, that I have a lot of concerns with what your therapist said, based on your post here.

We make hundreds of choices each day. Some are clearly good (wearing our seatbelt) and some are clearly bad (eating potato chips for lunch instead of an apple). But some choices we make end up being bad only because of an intervening factor. For instance, one day last summer I parked in the surface lot instead of a covered garage, on a day that happened to bring a huge hailstorm, and my car sustained $2,000 in damages. "How stupid," I thought. "If only I had parked in the garage."

But how was I to know that we'd get the worst hailstorm of the decade?

For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there.

While not all choices are "good" we have the right to make bad choices without anticipating someone else will take advantage of us and rape us. We have the right to have a drink or go on a walk through a park. But NO ONE has the right to rape us, ever, no matter what we say or do.

Princess, I don't know the full story. But in my book, someone using extortion to get sex sounds like rape to me. Would it survive legal muster? I don't know, that depends on the statute and definition of duress. But it seems to me like this guy saw that you were vulnerable and took horrible advantage of you.

Were there choices you could have made that would have protected you? Of course. You could have not gotten out of bed that day. You could have not moved to that town in the first place. You can spend an eternity making a list of the choices that would have saved you from being raped.

But the absolute bottom line is this:

Only one person makes the choice to rape. There are things we can do to protect ourselves, but the only person who can prevent rape is the rapist him or herself. Bad decisions, good decisions, to me it doesn't matter. We should be able to live our lives, we should be able to trust our neighbors. Rapists should not rape. Period.

Shannon... you have no idea how it felt to read that... Though it makes sense when I read it, i'm not a stupid person... sometimes, it's just easy to forget... It's so true... everything you've said, is just so true... but as Lara said... when it's me reminding myself, i don't believe it... but... coming from you, i do... but.. there's still that little part that holds me responsible...

#20 Rita

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Posted 10 April 2007 - 06:07 AM

Thank you,
I have only just joined this forum but I found your words so helpful.
I was raped as a young girl , not sure of exact age, but I didn't realise until last year- I am neally 49 years old.
I was going through a divorce and started to experience flashbacks - proberbly been getting emotional memories for so long.
I developed an eating disorder following the rape, realised thats where it all began - so in many respects it was so helpful knowing what had happened. However very few people around me understand the pain and as a christian I have been advised to give it all to God - but what about the answers that I so desperately want like ' who ' and ' why '. I don't have the complete memory- well I do but can't remember. I am pretty certian I trusted the person - thats only a feeling.

I can't write anymore right now- so desperate for understanding from someone close, someone who can relate to this pain- thats how I found this forum. I do want to forgive and move on - but how do you let go of something that you have felt for so long, that has dictated so much of your life- ruined most of it, but in reality you have only just expereinced and discovered the truth.


#21 Violet~Iris

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Posted 27 May 2007 - 12:42 AM

As a new user that was a really great post to read. Its reassuring to feel like I deserve to heal from things that I still feel partially responsible for and things I've always felt were somewhat in the ambiguous area of what IS rape. It was great perspective. Thanks so much

#22 Maggie

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Posted 27 May 2007 - 01:26 AM

HI PrincessVader,

Shame on your Therapist!

If we ALWAYS made the right choices we would always know who we could trust, we would never pass by a shadow on the street without being prepared, we would always have a real inner-warning device when danger was lurking, and we would never listen to misguided "friends" or therapists who try to lay the blame for what happened on us!

You may have invited someone into your home, you did NOT invite him to violate you.

Great words - "the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be decent instead of an asshole. The buck stops there."

#23 SurvivingTheStorm

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Posted 18 June 2007 - 04:41 PM

I think many of us need a reminder sometimes...Thank you so much for this post. :)

#24 Lost in the Demons

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Posted 27 June 2007 - 07:10 PM

What a wonderful post. Thanks so much for posting that. I'm sure many will benefit from your words of wisdom.
Take special care of you.

#25 Katy

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Posted 28 June 2007 - 02:58 AM

The degree of the rape, abuse or assault doesn't matter. We feel many of the same emotions. And we all deserve to heal from them.

I just think this is so important.

#26 Sadie

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 09:51 AM

I needed this today Jes, thanks.

#27 MS84

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 11:02 AM

Jes, this was one of the things on your Surviving to Thriving site that prompted me to write a thank you to you.

I always thought what I went through(rape by 3 teenage boys) was one of the most terrible things a person can go through. And then reading other people's stories, I saw just how worse this can get and it made me feel like I was allowing a single event in my life to affect me so badly when there are those who suffer rape after rape after rape and years of abuse.

Sometimes even reading now I get ovewhelmed at how others can go on with what happened to them that it makes me feel guilty that a one time rape can affect me this much and probably will for life. Thanks for the validation again that this needs healing too.

And thank you for leading me to Pandy's. :)

Also thank you to the rest of the moderators and you Shannon, for this site.


#28 WCSusan

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 04:41 PM

Thank you Jes for this post and thank you Shannon for your wise words as well. I think we all need to be reminded of this at times.


#29 evie23

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Posted 10 July 2007 - 06:26 PM

Thank u for posting this message. This is the first time i have written anything n actually thought about the attack as being real since it happened. In my head i just keep thinking that this cant be happening n the guilt is unbearable. This message has left me with a ray of hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. Thanx again

evie x

#30 acasha

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Posted 21 November 2007 - 04:16 PM

This jes is very well written, made me cry
i agree 100%

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