What a beautiful idea.
I wrote this last night. Its my first post. It was very difficult, but a wonderful release.
I would just hug you and let you experience the full magnitude of hurt, pain, dismay, anger, suffering. I would hug you, and love you, and kiss you on the forehead. I would let your body rack with sobs, and not tell you to “shhhh”, or to hold anything in. I would say that this was not your fault. I don’t even know if there Is much that I would want to say, other than I love you, and you are dear and precious to me. That I will be there for you in anyway that I think I can be. That everything you are feeling, little soul, is ok. And normal. Even the absence of any feeling whatsoever. The numbness after what happened.
I would say, little soul, please be kind and gentle with yourself. Please don’t expect that you need to push your feelings away, or hide them to protect others. People love you, and will support you. The right people will do that. Sometimes without realizing, sometimes directly.
Little soul, what a journey you have come on ever since what happened. What a soul-wrenching, painful, truth- seeking, hopeful journey of self discovery. From the girl you were before he raped you. Before he stole your trust, invited himself into your home and stole your precious freedom and love in yourself. To the mess and confusion you were afterwards. Little soul, it was ok to be lost. It was ok to not want to let one small horrible event define your life. It was ok to push it aside, and to try to deal with things the best way you knew how.
It was ok to need somebody to look after your fall. It was ok to feel lost, to do those stupid things to people you cared the most about. To hurt people when you didn’t even realize you were doing it. Because you didn’t know who you were or what you were doing afterwards. It was ok to desperately want your sexual freedom back, and to go about it in completely the wrong way.
It was ok to completely fall to pieces after a while.
Little soul, it is ok to be slowly emerging from the fog, and deciding and declaring who you want to be next. It is normal to look back fondly to the carefree life you had before it happened. How you lived a life of no regrets, and you grabbed life and opportunity by the balls. Its ok and understandable to see this new deeper understanding as a burden, but one nonetheless which is very worth its weight in gold. Why? For the amazing depth and empathy it has brought, the compassion and stillness it has taught you.
If you were my brother or sister little soul, I would tell you that its ok to be lost, that we are all going to be ok in the end. Sometimes life is heavy, sometimes our pain leads us to our greatest gifts if we are only able to give it time. Sometimes the worst things that happen to us can be our greatest teacher, even though it wouldn’t be a path we would intentionally choose for our self.
Its ok little soul, to be still for a while. To wait in silence, and to see what the next chapter in life will bring. Its ok to ask for more, to seek happiness, to deserve it despite the lingering doubts you still harvest. One day, you will actually say that last sentence with conviction. You will once again be able to stand tall and proud, and look people truthfully in the eye.
Until then little soul, keep still. If you were my brother or sister I would hold you close, and just be there to sit beside you. No words.
Edited by Knowthyself101, 13 February 2010 - 06:51 PM.