1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
Well of course my first abuser did a lot. But I think that since he made me feel like it was "normal" I thought I was the weird one. Then when I got older and wanted to tell people I got the message "oh I don't want to think that happens" a lot.
2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Well my first abuser had 5 people helping him, all of which I thought were my friends. That is a pretty big blow to one's mindset. Then other then my couple other incidents. My best friend in high school who told me "oh Kellie you are just overreacting its just boys being boys!" um ok and then my ex who told me that I could have prevented my harassement had I not been so weak. Weak, insecure and stuck in the past I think were all of his points.
3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I withdrew. I stopped going outdoors, I stopped feeling, I just changed. When I got older and really started to deal with it I stopped eating, worked out constantly, became obsessed with learning about sexual assaults. I was just determined to figure out why this happened.
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I picked this out of the book becuase I thought how true it is. I am instantly co-dependant in my relationships. I really dislike it because I feel used but I can't say anything. I feel I'm only good for abuse. (Long line of bad relationships to prove it!) I'm doing better though I am begininning to see a bad relationship before I am too involoved.
5. How do you see yourself now?
I'm so much better than I was even 6 months ago. But I tell you what I can't help but be amazed at how much I have grown in the past three years. I can actually see myself as strong, as brave, as the mature woman I have turned out to be.(despite my ex)
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yes, I have told many people. My first public speaking was at a conference for crisis volunteers. It was kinda creepy all these people staring at me. But it was a learning experience. I have told a lot of people since. I don't share the details but thats my choice. So far my experiences have been mostly good, barring the occasional "you're overreacting".
7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
Beginning to. I think I will always have a problem. But my inherant mistrust of people is pretty deeply rooted. Could be why I don't share the details of my assault. No one I can trust with them. (Hmm just made that point for the first time.....) Anyway I'm trying. I guess I trust myself but then again I don't let myself get too involved to really allow myself to feel. I can't even tell my sister I was abused. I am ending now becuase I need to ponder this.