1. Yes and no. My drink was spiked by a guy I had stopped seeing at our work Christmas party and he intended to rape me but by a fluke, someone else, a coworker, did. I didn't realize until about a week later exactly what happened. The guy I had been seeing texted me days later asking what happened and how I felt the next day. It was weird. When I did after two more texts from him tell him my drink was spiked, he made it sound like he didn't believe it happened. The next day he wouldn't stop texting me, basically asking to hookup. I clearly told him I was not interested and that unrelated, something bad happened to me that night and I wouldn't be seeing anyone. He didn't care. Instead he kept texting me and stood outside my apartment for at least 10 minutes. At first, I just thought he didn't believe me and then I realized he probably did it. But I still question it and think that maybe he didn't do it and that I'm just crazy. Other than that my roommate heard me throwing up and having sex with the guy who raped me. I don't think she believes me and I don't feel like I can say much around her. But I think it's because she doesn't want to think she heard what happened and didn't do anything. Not that she could have known. But all my friends I have told have believed me and been supportive.
2. Again, yes and no. I had been seeing this older guy for a few months. Then about a month before it all happened, I decided I wasn't interested. I just didn't like him anymore and all he wanted was sex. I think because he wasn't okay with me being done with him, he spiked my drink and intended to take advantage. He might have at the bar but I'm not sure. Then, like I said, by a fluke I took this other coworker home. I don't really recall at all. So he probably didn't know my drink was spiked and I had no idea what was going on. Either he was too drunk to realize I wasn't able to consent or he knew and didn't care. I'm not sure which it was.
3. Yes. I used to deal with things by numbing myself so I didn't feel anything. I also used to cut. I know I shouldn't do those things and I have not. But it has made it difficult to know what to do and I have tried my best not to hide my feelings because I feel like it will only hurt me more. So I haven't been myself at work. I have been quiet and I don't want to talk to anyone. (Thankfully, I had left that job right before the party and am no longer working there. So my current job is different but I had been doing both jobs for about 1 1/2months.)
4. I disagree. It is exceedingly hard for me to believe that romantic relationships can last or that I will find someone who actually loves and cares about me. I am 23 and have never had a boyfriend. Not one. My first negative experience was when I was 15 and a trusted family friend who was like my brother became interested in me inappropriately. He didn't molest or rape me but things were getting close. That and lesser experiences made me reluctant to be in a relationship. I was not in a relationship with the guy I was seeing, the one who spiked my drink, but it was the closest I have been to that. Before all this happened and I was done with being with him, I felt I learned a lot. I learned what I wanted and what I didn't and also about things I needed to deal with to be able to be in a healthy and happy relationship. And those things still stand. Everything that occurred happened about two weeks ago. Last week I went out on a date with someone I met before this. He's nice and funny. I have to stop seeing him because I know I'm not okay and that it isn't fair to him and I don't want to set myself back but I know he is a good guy. Once I have dealt with what happened to me, I do believe I will be with someone and it will be positive. But I understand the feeling that you have that you are only good for abuse. I'm familiar with it. I have had other things happen and they happen over and over again or so it seems. I feel sometimes that it must be something that I am doing. I don't know. There are a lot of horrible people but there are good ones too.
5. This is a tricky question. Everything happened less than two weeks ago. I don't know. I'm not me. Sometimes I'm fine and happy and other times all I want to do is cry or sleep. It confuses me but I'm pretty sure it's normal. I guess I haven't really accepted it. In bad moments, I see myself as a victim and I blame myself. I think my reactions are crazy and that I just need to deal and move on. In good, I see that this is really recent and that I'm a "survivor" and I have to give myself time. In those moments, I also see how it can and will make me stronger.
6. Yes, I have. I used to, with other things, bottle things up inside and pretend I was okay by numbing myself. I know that is a bad coping mechanism and I also know that in this case, it would eat me up inside. The day I woke up next to the coworker who raped me, I was confused, delusional, and disoriented so I did what I would do, I went to work. I had lunch plans with a coworker and I was not okay. I ended up telling her. She was supportive but she doesn't quite get it or know how to respond and we're not super close. Then that night I had to tell a friend. I got a hold of two. One, my best friend since I was nine, has been very supportive and really wants to be there. The other is very supportive as well but doesn't quite get it. I feel like I have to make sure she is okay. And she says things like telling me to watch how much I'm drinking, which really isn't helpful. I didn't drink too much. I was drugged. Then I told two other close friends because I needed to before I saw them. They both reacted wonderfully. They are so supportive. Both wanted to immediately come see me. I only saw one because today I was too tired and not up to seeing the other. I do worry about telling my sisters. I think it'll be fine though. I know I won't tell my parents. They would believe me but they didn't believe my sister. But as far as the trust issues that you mention, I used to have a lot of trust issues. It isn't as much about not trusting other people, it's more about about not trusting yourself or it was in my case. I'm really lucky because I have wonderful friends who want nothing more than to be there. But I'm not sure how easy it is going to be for me to trust men. I think that is something that I'm can't judge yet.
7. Another tricky question. In bad moments, I don't trust myself at all. I think that it is my fault that I have had so many horrible experiences. I feel that I must be doing something wrong for everything to happen and that I'm lucky that this is the first (maybe second since I don't recall) time I was raped. In good moments, I know that I am usually a good judge of character and no one is perfect and I'll be better next time. As far as other people, I trust my friends. I do still trust people I think. I'm not sure what I feel about trusting men. I know some can be trusted but I think it's too early for me to completely know.
Edited by Brie, 14 December 2012 - 10:39 PM.