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#61 InfiniteAtheist

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Posted 16 June 2008 - 08:54 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My perp told me that I had done a very bad thing, and he promised not to tell if I didn't. I actually did try to tell my mom, but she wouldn't hear it. She told me that (at age 4) I was either telling an awful nasty lie because I'd been watching too much television, or I had seduced him and was a very bad girl. I told her I made the whole thing up. And to this day she believes that it was just a "phase" I went through where I told awful lies.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

It was a huge betrayal when my mom didn't believe me, but otherwise no. I keep expecting it though. I can't seem to relax, I just know someone who knows will use the knowledge to hurt me, or else that I'll be hurt again in the same way that HE hurt me.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I think that I did, but no one ever noticed. I guess since I was their first child, my parents didn't realize how odd my behavior was or something.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes. After 5 years with my man I still keep expecting him to hurt me, can't imagine why he'd love me, and even though there's no reason to think we won't last, I'm convinced that he'll leave me and I'll die alone. I'm trying to learn better with him and with my friends, but somewhere in the back of my mind there's always the idea that I can't trust anyone because they would be better off without me. I feel like they all must be using me, must want something from me, and they'll take it if I don't give it willingly. Once they don't need me for...whatever, anymore, they'll leave.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Sometimes I feel good about myself, but it seems like just when I start to feel like my life is worth something and I can make a difference and love and find happiness...something or someone will make me feel awful again. Someone will remind me that I'm nothing to them or anyone, only good for what I can offer. I suppose that they don't realize they are doing it, or mean to. But it doesn't change how I feel.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes. I have finally told the 4 people who matter the most to me. My bf told me that it was not his business and aside from one time he refuses to let me talk about it. He wants to pretend it never happened. My sister was and is very supportive. My younger cousin doesn't get it. She thinks I should be over it and said that "At least he didn't intentionally hurt you, that must really help." It doesn't. My older cousin I think was uncomfortable, but she is also a survivor and she best understands how I feel. Aside from telling them, I never talked to them about it. Knowing the general story is one thing. Hearing how much it still hurts would make me look weak I think.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust anyone.

#62 antique_knot

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 12:53 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I was kept silent by my abuser, i was threatened to be harmed once i was threatened to be killed i also think because of my age that i wasn't able to convey in words what was going on

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
my middle school's police officer, when i first told anyone i told my teacher who then had to tell the school and the school officer was supposed to help with legal matters and he did not do his job.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I was a horrible child, i was in trouble at school and daycare for acting out, hitting, being disruptive, and not paying attention i was diagnosed with ADHD when i was in the third grade and come to find out i never had it, also in the 8th grade i went downhilli was withdrawn, cutting and not sleeping.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
i do believe this, nothing is sure, or constant especially when it involves humans, but you can accept it for what it is and enjoy it as a temporary arrangement. I love my pet fish, but i know they won't last but about a month.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I see myself as confused and restless, i am unhappy as to how i am but not sure as to if it can be fixed

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
i have told a small amount of people, mainly because i needed there help at the time

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
umm.. well lets say i trust myself more than i do others

#63 janiedeland

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 02:25 PM

Were you silenced by someone?
My grandfather told me my father wouldn't love me anymore, but I finally could not take the sexual abuse any longer and told.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?)
My mother betrayed me because she blamed me for the abuse.

3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.)
When I got older, I buried myself in a bottle of beer, but I'm almost 26 years sober now.

4. The dammage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not?
The damage of betrayal can take a toll on your relationships, but if you work hard on healing, you will be able to have reasonably successful relationship. It all takes time and energy.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I see myself as a stronger individual traveling a long a very long journey of healing. I see myself as a survivor who is not willing to give the perpetrator power and control over who I am.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have told a few select people about my sexual abuse outside of Pandy's. The experience has been positive and supportive. However, I feel more support from Pandy members because they know what I am going through.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I have a difficult time trusting others but am working on it. I am learning to trust that I will make appropriate decisions for myself.

Thank you for posting these questions. They gave me some food for thought.

#64 wabranzo

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 02:47 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I am sure I was silenced by my father, but it was his actions more than his words his stare was terrifying and that was enough to keep my mouth shut. Albert the neighbor who abused me would threaten. He once killed my little tadpoles and said that next time I wouldn't fight. If he killed my little tadpoles I knew he would hurt others that I loved. He stomped on them right in front of me as I was trying to pick them up. Later when I was gang raped and I told the youth group leader I wasn't believed at all and she spread it all over the church that I was lying . I was the chunky unpopular girl why would I get raped. I should have learned sooner but I knew then I would never say another thing.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)


There have been a lot of people that have betrayed me. Most of it came out when I decided to press charges on my father. The counselor that I saw told the detective that she didn't remember me talking about the abuse by him at all. I was devastated and couldn't believethat she wouldn't take a stand for me. My uncle told the DA that if she made him come and testify against my father that he would make my father look like a F***ing saint on the stand. I couldn't believe that these people couldn't stand up to my father and they were going to lt him hurt more children, that I will never understand.


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I think I did tell people in other ways its just no one noticed. I would never play with anyone else, always stayed pretty quiet. After the rapes started by my father at 5 I starting gaining weight , I wasn't generally happy was always worried about others and taking care of what others needed. I even had an imaginary friend that lived by my fence he knew better not come in the yard but he was there always with his hands in his pocket , I think I was always hurt so much his hands were in his pockets I knew he could never hurt me. I am sure there is only so much that a 5 year old can hide, the people around me chose not to see that I was dying inside.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?


I do agree with that statement. When such terrible things happen in your own house when I was so young I learned to trust no one no one would make things better and no one would protect me. Even today I have a close friend and if I don't get a call back that day I worry that they are going to leave and be gone. I just learned never to rely on anyone for anything.

5. How do you see yourself now?

How do I see myself wow. I am not really sure and try not to think about it. I know that I am a good mom and I love every second of caring for my kids.Deep down when things get quiet and I have some time I see myself as pretty broken but someday I hope that will lessen. I know I am giving my children all the things that I never had and that makes me feel awesome but I still get so sad at times for all the things I never got.


6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have told a few others. Its not something that is easy or comfortable conversation. Sometimes I just want to be able to get it all out but thats not fair either no one deserves to sit through that


7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

NOPE I don't trust others at all for anything. I know thats not good but oh my to have my trust betrayed anymore is something I can't do. Do I trust myself I think more and more I am trusting myself but its still a struggle.

#65 takebackthenight2010

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Posted 18 January 2009 - 10:24 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

well, i think i was mostly silenced by myself. initally, the first time it happened, or the first abuser it happened with, i didnt realize it was rape. it was only my 4th or 5th sexual encounter, and only my 3rd boyfriend. i thought i was supposed to lay there and take it. when i knew better, and it happened again, i guess i would have the same answer. i silenced myself. i just never spoke the words. i was too afraid of them.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)


yes. my parents. there were things going on with my brother at the time that it came to a peak (he was not part of my abuse) and they took his side. really, really turned their backs on me. i have had friends betray me. making rude commentaries. i have had therapists betray me. i have betrayed myself because for such a long time i was silent and felt i deserved what i got. that person who felt that is a stranger to me now. which is a good thing. and i guess part of the reason why i am doing this exercise; to see how far ive ocme.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

i had depression and ptsd. initally, i lost a lot of weight. i had anxiety and would not go out to get food. then, i gained weight. i lost one of my jobs. i had to go on medical leave with another job. so yes - i suppose i told people about my abuse.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

no. i simply cant. it has no place in my life. i would not have made it thru this if it were not for the people on here and the few people i trusted. i already gave them (the abusers) my time, my tears, my anger. i could not give them this. i have to believe that there are relationships that can actually work; friendships and otherwise. everyones life constantly shifts. i realized that part of the reason others left me is not because they couldnt handle what was going on with me; its because they had things to cope with in their own life. it just seemed like such a huge betrayal then. relationships are harder for me because of the betrayal, but i could not allow the abusers to take my trust in all facets of my life. my friends and the relationship i had with them kept me standing.


5. How do you see yourself now?

it varies. sometimes i see myself as this super amazing strong woman who is a survivor, facing things head on, being brave, resilent, simply fabulous; laughing and playing and blowing bubbles. then there are days that are harder where i look in the mirror and i just want to rip my skin off. my size bothers me. i resent my body. i resent the effect that this has all had on my life. it poured over into everything.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

absolutely. i just joined pandys on facebook and asked other friends to join; friends that havent seen me in eons, and told them it was because i was a sexual assault survivor. they all joined. nope; everyone knows.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

it is hard for me to trust others. and when i do and that trust is broken, its hard to get back. i dont give it out. there is not an assumtion of trust. with me, you have to earn it. and that goes for myself and for others in my life. i guess i trust myself. in some cases. so no, not fully. but im getting there.

#66 Alli3144

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Posted 18 January 2009 - 11:00 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone?
Even though I was only 7 when it ended, the shame caused silence enough.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?)
He was finally caught abusing me when his little sister walked in on us. She told her mom, who told my mom. When I got home that day, I was actually "in trouble" for what had been happening. We have never talked about it to this day, but I was grounded and she said things like, "how could I ever trust you again?" I still don't know if she knows the extent of the abuse. It went on for years, but I guess to her knowledge, that last time was the only time. That statement has effed with my head for years. But we have a great relationship, she's just completely in the dark.

3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.)
I was the kid who called home everyday from school with a "stomach ache." I used to SI in really discreet ways. I didn't even know what I was doing, why, or that it was an actual thing. I just knew it made me feel better. In hindsight, it was childhood depression. My parents took me to see a T, who told them that I was depressed, but I was such a good actor even then that they thought that their little Alli, cute and bubbley, could never been depressed or damaged. Ooops.

4. The dammage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not?
Oh god. Agreed. Friendships are fine. Its the romantic ones I've always had trouble with. I kinda suck at them.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I try not to see myself at all. I can barely look in a mirror when my voice teacher asks me to sing while looking at my reflection. A nervous smile is plastered onto my face. I've been so overly stressed by school that all I can see is someone who is happy-go-lucky by day, playing the part of normal, and by night, someone who is falling apart at the seams, barely keeping it together.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
When I was little, I would share stories about it with other kids, only to find that they had similar experiences. I never felt the trauma of it until high school, when I was sitting in my AP Psychology class, and the subject we were studying was Childhood Sexual Abuse. I effing lost it. Full on panic attack. Told my best friends what had happened in class and when I was a kid, and they helped me get into therapy right away. They even went with me to my first couple of sessions. My parents still don't know why I'm in therapy.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
Trust is such a general term that feels very funny to me. I think at this point in my life, I know who I can trust for certain things. Trust in myself is a little on the fritz.

Edited by Alli3144, 18 January 2009 - 11:03 PM.


#67 ChristineMarie

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 02:05 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone?
I think that I silenced myself

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?)
I am not sure what this question asks, but relative to my abuser (my father), my sister betrayed me later on by putting me in a dangerous situation, and blaming me (when I was 15) for a very inappropriate comment she heard her husband say about me. It seems like there was always a male out there that wanted to hurt me. I was hurt by other males later in life after my father.

3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.)
I was the child that was very withdrawn, quiet, and tried very hard to stay invisible. I didn't eat, and I went through a very self-destructive phase, cutting, and putting myself in dangerous situations. I stayed away from home as much as possible. Looking back, as a parent, I think that my pain would have been obvious.

4. The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not?
I think that what happened will always affect my relationship, I believe that I will never truly be able to trust unconditionally. I am always scared of what I care about will be taken away from me, that I have to be as perfect as possible or my husband will leave me. It was very hard to trust that someone really did love me.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I see myself as a strong person that can be able to just about handle anything that comes her way, I see myself as caring and compassionate. All at the same time I also feel forever and irreversibly damaged, ugly, incapable and scared

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have tried, and have through writing, letters. I can't 'talk' about it face to face. I told my husband through a letter, he said he was sorry and that he knows that I could handle whatever I am going through and it was pretty much dropped after that. I have told two friends through emails, one changed the subject, and one said that it is not a rare thing to happen, that it happens more than I think, and I never heard from her again. Pandys of course, wonderful responses and I could not have asked for anything more, and a therapist that gave me a lot of compassion and understanding that I needed, and still need.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I trust others to an extent, if I know them (family members, children, and husband). People I do not know well (co-workers, and pretty much anybody but my family), I do not trust at all. Myself, I do not trust at all



#68 oldsoul24

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Posted 19 January 2009 - 02:36 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Yes, by my abuser (also my bf at the time). He kept on telling me that he "loved" me, & he wanted me to feel "the best pleasure possible", & that what "we" were doing was "natural & pleasurable", so I thought I was the crazy one for not liking it. I felt like I was alone & I was losing my mind.



2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes. Many ask "why did you let him do those things to you?" & "why didn't you leave him right away?" & "why didn't you call the police?". They don't understand that when you are in love with your perpetrator, it isn't that easy. Others minimilaze it & tell me that since the abuse was only sexual & not physical, it "wasn't that bad". Some people just see it as me "having sex". I've never even had sex, it was something I was forced & threatened into doing. Ugh.


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yes, I used to smoke weed & drink a lot while I was in the relationship with my ex-bf/perpetrator.


4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Not really. After being SA, the survivor does feel that any relationship is hopeless. I know I have. But there are people you can trust out there & healhty friendships you can have.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Healing but still damaged.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes. Many family members know, & a couple of my friends know. It's a mixed bag. See question #2.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Yes. If I know the person very well & I care about them, then yes I trust them.


#69 Eisa

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Posted 04 February 2009 - 01:44 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
Yes, my father silenced me by telling me it was supposed to be a secret and that if I told, very bad things would happen. So I grew up "knowing" that if you have problems with someone or something, you don't talk about them. You bury them all inside because you don't deserve to be able to express your emotions.


2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
In relation to my abuse? I'm not sure. I haven't told anyone about it other than a very small amount of people. People have said stupid things about it, at least what happened last summer, like "why didn't you tell anyone then?" and that hurts. :(


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
My entire personality changed when I was a child. I became extremely withdrawn. I hid from everyone and everything I could manage. I also became very depressed and started self-injuring when I was about 9, although I didn't call it that. And now I believe I have some kind of eating disorder, although not positive it's anorexia.



4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes. It's so hard to trust in any relationships now. Although I think I'm managing all right.

5. How do you see yourself now?
Damaged, fragile...but not broken. Not anymore.


6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yes, both on Pandy's and in real life (my best friend, my boyfriend, etc.). For the most part, they've been supportive, with the exception of a few "stupid" kinds of comments.


7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I trust only one other person completely and totally. I don't even trust myself as much as I trust my boyfriend. Other people, I trust to varying extents, but not very much usually.

#70 blondie2002

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Posted 01 June 2009 - 05:37 PM

1)Were you silenced by someone? All of my a*****s tried to shut me up. :cry: (Fortuneatly W wasn't successful)
2)Have others,besides the a*****s betrayed you? If you count my ex bff T,no longer talking to me b/c her bf doesn't like me (eventhough he's never met me)then yes.
3)Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? Whenever I would see **, I'd start to :cry: As for M, I never wanted to be alone with him. :scared: :scared2: I can't recall how told my mom that W had attempted to **** me. In B's case, considering that went to my grandma W's house @ 1am I'd say yes.
4)"The damage of a betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed,trusted nor expected to last?No
5)How do you see yourself now? I'd like to think I'm alot stronger emoitonally than I was 2 yrs ago.
6)Have you begun to tell others about your a****? What have your experiances been like? Yes I have and some have been negative. My bff,M and her sister T didn't call me for a while because they didn't know what to say to help me. :tear: :down:
7)Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? I'm beggining to.

#71 DW123

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 07:54 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
.My uncle was my abuser. He silenced me by telling me that if I told anyone about the abuse, he'd get a knife and kill me.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
My ex girlfriend laughed when I told her what happened. She said I was making it up. She didn't believe that male rape happens too.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
.I started cutting myself, to the point that I ended up in hospital for a week because of it.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
.I'm not sure. I am in a stable relationship with my girlfriend Sarah, but it took a long time for me to be myself around her. As for my uncle, I am still scared of him, even though he's been dead for 2 years.

5. How do you see yourself now?
.Vulnerable, but a little stronger now that Sarah knows what happened.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
.I recently told Sarah. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but she was great. She's so strong, it amazes me how supportive she is. I'll always be grateful for that.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
.Trust is hard for me. I trust Sarah. I hate being alone with people I hardly know, like some of Sarah's friends when I met them, if she wasn't in the room I got really uncomfortable to be there. I scare myself sometimes, the thoughts I have, the nightmares, but I am beginning to trust myself more now.

Danny.

#72 Ingz

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Posted 08 July 2009 - 12:51 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I don't think anybody silenced me in a way. I just silence myself I think. Allthough I used to get these dreams where I was running or something from somebody and I would scream but no sound came out. I hear that's connected to the feeling to not be able to talk.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Yes. My ex best friend abandoned me when I got to remember a part of my assault because he wasn't ready to hear the details. He abandoned me when I needed him the most, when I was in the middle of a really bad breakdown.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I withdrew a little. I stopped feeling. I changed my clothing style. I just changed.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I have only had 3 relationships.
The first one was with a guy a little while before I came out as a lesbian, it lasted a week and had no sexual inimacy. I dumped him. The guy was head over heals for me but I had no feelings what so ever for him. He ended up stalking me.
The next was a girl. I had no feelings for her but I thought I wanted a relationship. I dumped her after about a month.
The third was with a girl. We were best friends and I actually think that I loved her. We had some pretty amaizing times together that sound more like a fairytale than reality. But we came to a mutual aggreement to end the relationship because the both of us were'nt ready for one.
I've been single for a little over a year now, but I've been keeping up some sexual activeness with one night stands while I was drunk. But the last time I had sex was last april.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I don't actually know exactly. I'm kind, willing to help others, a good listener, stubborn, patient, focked up emotionally and more things.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I've told very few people, but the poeple that I have told about it have been very supportive.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
Beginning to. I think I will always have a problem with it though.

#73 Jeze

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Posted 15 September 2009 - 03:19 PM

Thank you for posting these.

1. Were you silenced by someone?
Myself. I felt so awkward and afraid, and also by his nonchalant reaction to the whole situation. He didn't seem to acknowledge that anything had been done wrong, and I was afraid to challenge this belief.

2. Have others, besides the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuser?)
No, not directly. The closest thing I would say is my friend, who I told about the situation, who continues to put herself in positions where she's drunk and alone with random men. It feels almost like a betrayal, and I don't understand why she won't listen to me and protect herself. I'm really afraid for her.

3. Did you tell people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawal, etc.)
Chain smoking like mad.

4. The dammage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last. Do you agree with this statement, why or why not?
I think while it does do damage, that damage is not irreversible. You just need to work through it, and learn to trust again, but remain cautious of who you trust at the same time.

5. How do you see yourself now?
Stronger, older, but still struggling.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yes. I had the most supportive reaction just two nights ago, when I told one of my best male friends. When I told him I had been raped, he was actually physically taken aback and tears sprung up automatically in his eyes. He asked what happened, and I couldn't look at him when I told him the story. There wasn't much immediate reaction, and I could tell that my story had really really upset him, which upset me. We moved on to other conversations, and the next day i noticed a difference in him. There's an added gentleness in his movements around me now, even just in the way he looks at me. I can tell he really cares, and thats probably the most touching thing ever. He's the only person I managed to tell in person.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
Yes, I trust myself. Others, I'm willing to trust most of them- but trust doesn't include wanting to be alone with them if theres any inkling that things could go bad.

#74 kg74400

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 08:26 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
Yes, by myself because of fear, my age, and avoidance. Also by one of my abusers, he said he would break up with me and I thought I would be alone forever and didnt deserve anything better.... so I stayed quiet. Again by others (outsiders) saying how great people my abusers were (of course, not knowing the real them) and always telling me how lucky I was to have them in my life, so I talked myself into believing what was happening wasnt real.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Yes, friends after hearing the stories of the "real" me. And ex-partners who used my vulnerability to benefit them.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yes. As a child I "told" others through my major anger and physically getting upset (kicking, holding my breath, hitting myself)
As a teen and adult, becoming withdrawn from others, anger, binge eating, cutting, failing classes.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I used to believe that statement more in the past and still do on my bad days. It takes a large intentional effort for me to be able to think differently, but it is coming more and more naturally now. Through therapy and true friendships, I am beginning to have positive experiences with others.

5. How do you see yourself now?
Self image is one of my biggest issues at this point... I can honestly say I really hate myself and who I am. Both Individual therapy and Group Therapy are helping me to participate in self care and love.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have over the past year. The experiences have been very positive for the most part, causing others to be more understanding as well as able to make a connection with me. Other experiences have been negative because some people have used my vulnerability against me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I do trust myself, most of the time. Other times I feel like I am so "crazy" I cant trust myself. I am beginning to trust others, I trust people initially then as they learn more about me and as the relationships progress, I start to question everything they do or say.

#75 daybydaybyday

daybydaybyday
  • Member
  • posts: 7

Posted 30 March 2010 - 02:28 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I only told one friend then, because I didn't want anyone else to know. The one that picked me up, probably knew, but we never really talked about it after I told him I didn't want to talk about it and I just wanted to get to his house so I could sleep (I couldn't face by family). He at least knew that there was a lot of bad stuff going on, because I was crying, my shirt was ripped and I had walked over a mile before I even realized I didn't have my shoes on.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Sometimes I feel like my husband is betraying me, because he acts like it's not a big deal and has asked when I'm going to get over it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew some, but I tried really hard to appear the same on the outside. I was terrified that my mom would find out and think it was my fault. I avoided my house as much as possible on the weekends when my sister was home from college, because I was afraid she would find out.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I have a really hard time trusting anyone, and I think part of it stems from that.

5. How do you see yourself now?

That depends on the day. I view myself as pretty strong most of the time. I feel like I've dealt with this largely by myself for six years, so I can deal with anything. But then the nightmares come and I can't sleep with my light and TV off, and realize that maybe I'm not dealing with it quite as effectively as I had hoped. During the day I'm confident that I'm strong, and handling things well.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

In real life, my best friend at the time and my husband are the only people I've ever told. My husband and I were already married before I told him the first time, and then it was never brought up again until earlier this month (probably 4 years since I first told him).

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust anyone except for my sister, but I've never told her, so maybe I don't even fully trust her. I think the reason I haven't told her is because I don't want her to hurt, but I'm not positive on that.
I trust myself sometimes, but never fully. It seems like I'm always reminding myself that my choices aren't always good ones or I never would have put myself in that situation.


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