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#46 joanD

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Posted 27 January 2007 - 10:29 PM

[quote name='' date='Nov 13 2001, 12:40 AM' post='19570']
Here are my answers! (I do them too!)


1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I believe that I was mollested by my father at a very young age. I was afraid of him. He also physically and verbally abused me until I moved away at age 18.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I was mollested at age five, and then again by a teacher when I was in the 10th Grade. I have been date-raped on numerous occasions. I have a history of relationships with abusive alcoholics.

W3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I tried to tell my Mother, but due to her own drug and alcohol addictions, she didn't believe me. When she learned that I had had sex with my boyfriend (at that same time) she called me a "whore" and a "slut" whenever she saw me.
I began acting out with the drugs, sex, and ED's. I also was a discipline problem, being truant from school and being disruptive(angry) in high school. I also sold drugs in school.

I4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I don't trust anyone- even now, after years of being in so-called recovery from drugs and alcohol.
My last long- term relationship was with an abusive alcoholic, who called me a "whore" and a "slut" on a daily basis, just as my Mother did. This reactivated my Eating disorders, which is the behavior I am currently trying to eradicate. Working on the issues surrounding eating triggered the memories of the childhood sexual abuse. That is how I discovered this website, which has been a real help.

I5. How do you see yourself now?

I still don't like myself.

Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like
?

I have told my female friends in the Program about the High School teacher. The response has been positive. Many other women have had similar experiences.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust some people, but not the way I would like. I don't trust the man I am currently involved with. He is a womanizer. We don't have any degree of intimacy.

#47 orankey

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Posted 29 January 2007 - 06:13 AM

Ok, so I have sat down and answered these questions the best that I can. I know that I have raved on a bit, but…oh well…

1. Where you silenced by someone? How?

Let me see, everyone who abused me threatened me, and scared me into silence. If I wasn’t quiet, then I would be in trouble, and people who I wouldn’t want to knew about any of this would find out. In a way, I also silenced myself. I didn’t want to admit anything that had happened.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes. I feel as though everyone has betrayed me. everyone but a friend. I feel as though my parents have betrayed my trust. I feel like a friend of 7 years has betrayed our friendship. I feel like a friend of 4 years has betrayed my trust to confide in her..she went and told her fiancé and future sister-in-law as well what I had told her about myself. I feel like I souldnt trust her anymore. I feel like everyone else has just betrayed me by just being there to help me. most of all though, I feel as though god has betrayed my life. I still don’t understand how so many things could happen to me in a world that is meant to be full of love and peace and hope. Everyone has betrayed me. everyone.

3. Did you “tell” other people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Definitely. I tried to tell people that I was not alright by doing things that I would not normally do. I stopped talking to people. I only spoke when it had absolutely nothing to do with me. my parents thought that I was turning into an adult and were happy. My friends thought that I just needed some time to myself. Teachers at school thought that I wanted to do better in my school work. When people didn’t see that there was something wrong with me, I started to cut my wrists with anything sharp. People noticed then and I stopped, I suppose that I cared to much about others to leave the world at that time. But I still wasn’t ok. I still needed someone. I had no one. I put on a face and almost two years on I started to draw. Draw my feelings onto paper. i showed some people - but only those who i thought i could trust. i went quiet again and then i couldnt hold onto the face anymore and i started to lack in my work. and i stopped eating as well. i tried a lot. i tried.

4. “The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last” Do you agree to that statement? Why or why not?

Yes and no. if the relationship is weak, then I have to agree. If the hurt is deep enough, then I have to agree. But if the relationship is strong, then there is a chance for mending to be done. I don’t however, believe that the pieces can be mended fully. Ever. Again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I see myself as a mess. I don’t think I will ever be able to work through everything that has happened to me. Ever. I am a wreck. A mental wreck. I will never be able to change from what I have become. Never.

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The first few people that I told didn’t care, so I didn’t tell anyone else. When I did have to tell someone, because I broke down, they were shocked and said a lot of nasty things about my abusers and comforted me. when I told a therapist about what had happened, it helped only a small amount. She spoke more about herself than me. it actually made things worse. There is only one person who has helped me a lot, that is a close friend. I told two other friends, but one told people close to her and the other friend I really know her well enough to trust her entirely. I am soon to tell another therapist about what happened, but I am not sure about what will happen. I hope that some good will come out of it – I hope.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

There is no one left, except for one friend, who I do trust. I haven’t found trust in anyone – not even my parents. I don’t trust myself anymore… I stopped trusting myself when I started to SI. Everytime I d something more to my body and evertime I run and hide, I trust just a little bit less of myself each time. Slowly I wont have anything left in myself to trust. Soon.


well, thats that. it was a bit hard, but relieving...

orankey

#48 ~SugarNSpice~

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Posted 29 January 2007 - 08:28 AM

1. Where you silenced by someone? How?

I silenced myself. I didnt want anyone to know so I pretened it didnt

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

The only person I ever told before coming here was my husband. He accidentally let it slip to a friend and I went crazy. I couldnt sleep or eat for days, afraid that our friendship would change, scared he may mention something to my family, and completly questioning my husbands trust.

3. Did you “tell” other people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

With all the other shit going on in my life, they figured it was because of something else. No money, stress at work, i did withdraw but noone noticed since i was on an opposite schedule fro everyone. I would stress eat, and drink like a fish, smoke like a chimmney. Still do.

4. “The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last” Do you agree to that statement? Why or why not?

To a degree. I trust my husband. He is the only person who I have ever complety trusted and depened on. But I dont know if we are strong enough to last. I apparently dont trust him as much as I should, I think you have to find someone who understands and is willing to work through it, not get pissy each time you question the trust

5. How do you see yourself now?

I see myself as somone who puts on a happy face, and everyone else comes first, becuse it is easier than looking at my own life and trying to see what I want. i see myself as someone who wants to be confident and fun and sure of herself, but who is scared and confused and giving up

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I wrote alot at first and kept everything hidden. The story I have posted i wrote quite a while ago, it only took 4 hours of me going back and forth as to whether to push the send button or not. The only person i have ever told is my husband. He was very supportive, but i dont think he really understands. And he has a different outlook on things. I have had only good experiences here, and it is difficult, but releasing.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I unfortunatly have some deep ingrown love for my fellow man. i am too trusting of people, which is how i probably got hurt in the first place. I dont believe everything, but I can be pretty trusting.
I trust myself with somethings. I know what my limits are and i never push them. the only person I trust is my husband. And i havent told him everything. I havent trusted him enough to be able to tell him I' here trying to get help, I dont want to bring it up, it makes me feel dirty, like i'm doing something wrong

#49 Moon_Wolf

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Posted 22 February 2007 - 01:59 PM

1. Where you silenced by someone? How?
Yes. By a gun, knife...threatened into silence. Also I thought if I told someone...than that would make it real...and I didn't want itto be real.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Yes..when I told my mother for the first time...she actually told me I was lying...and when I kept insisting that I wasn't she went to the people I mentioned and asked them...after that she told about 6 more people. After that I just quit telling her stuff..

3. Did you “tell” other people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I became anorexic...then when they almost put me in the hospital on a feeding tube...I became bulimic. I withdrew from everything and everyone. I started smoking, running away, getting in trouble with the cops, and cutting.

4. “The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last” Do you agree to that statement? Why or why not?
Yes I agree with the statement. I feel the same way about all my relationships.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I see a scared little girl, who doesn't quite understand everything, and questions everything. I see myself as a failure, not worthy of anything.

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yes...I told my mother (read number 2 for her response), I told my a few of the guys I dated/engaged to...most did the same thing to me after I told them, only one of them didn't....but he really didn't care..everytime I tried to talk about it...he just rolled his eyes and changed the subject. I'm slowly telling my girlfriend...so far so good...maybe because she's been through a lot too.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I have a hard time trusting people but I'm working on it. I used to be a very trusting person....but that changed. I have a hard time trusting myself..

#50 codenameanne

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Posted 04 March 2007 - 02:38 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was silenced by my bio dad, my adoptive dad, my step-brother, Greenberg, Yossi S., my synagogue etc
These people either abused me, abandoned me, raped me, molested me..etc. And along with that silenced by guns and threats and manipulation and force. having all your free will, power, trust, innocence, and love taken away from you silences a person.
2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you?
(In relation to your abuse?)
My synagogue (Jewish church) from Greenberg’s attacks…
3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about
your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing, etc).
I stopped eating, I withdrew from my social life and from him and became very introverted, I stopped doing things that made me me such as writing and singing, I started self-injury. No one seemed to take a hint.
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that
relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor
expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why
or why not?
I was hurt by someone who I loved and trusted and once you have been betrayed like that, its impossible to have that trust back.
5. How do you see yourself now?
Ugh. I don’t like how I see myself. I’m like a bird whose had her wings removed.
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What
have your experiences been like?
I don’t talk about it, unless just saying the facts and hiding all emotion. NO details.
7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I don’t trust anyone at all. I think I trust myself though.

Edited by codenameanne, 04 March 2007 - 02:39 PM.


#51 Paulabrave

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Posted 18 March 2007 - 02:03 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was raised into silence. Growing up in my family it was assumed that children are liars. I was often told what the true story was by my parents and older brothers.

My parents words "Don't talk back" is what I remember most. They would ask me to explain how something happen and then the words " don't talk back" would be yelled at me or "don't laugh ... this is not funny" ... I remember that I was definitely not laughing. I was crying with tears running down my face ... how could my parents think I was laughing. Also they would ask for an explanation and then immediately accuse me of lying or to not talk back. It got to the point that I would just wait for my parents to tell me what happen because they were not going to listen to me anyway. My parents also did not like the words "I don't know" so it was better to have some sort of explanation (even if they would accuse me of lying) than to say "I don't know".
My parents also had very intense arguments that were compounded when they drank alcohol. That behavior indeed left me silent. My mother was also in a lot of depression and pain as I was growing up. I normally was afraid of her. And she would have to spend a few weeks in the hospital here and there for depression or anorexia. This was never explained to me. My mother normally looked angry towards me so it was better not to disturb her.

My brothers were the primary abusers and they helped to intensify my fear of my parents with stories from their own childhood about being beaten. My brothers also instilled in me not to be a "ta-tile-tail" through malicious taunts. My brothers were frequently my baby sitters so keeping silence was key if I did not want them telling something on me (like I really didn't eat my dinner or the mess I made when I poured my milk)

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My parents - I have to say that the most painful confrontation was with my parents when I was 16 years old. This disclosure was not my choice and did not lead to anything except more pain. My mother found my journals and within the journals was all my pain around the sexual abuse. My parents were shocked, hostile, drunk, and mostly concerned about the reputation and disruption of the b-family. It was my parent’s version of the inquisition. My parents accused me of lying, questioned my sanity, pressed me hard for details of the abuse to prove if I was telling the truth, blamed me for breaking up the family, offered me counseling but then told me that only weak people get counseling.

The ER staff - In 1974, I was 7 years old. I was taken to the ER for lacerations inside my vagina. I was released to go home for sitz baths. They released me because of my mother's frantic hysteria. The ER staff did not know how to deal with her and she got more upset when they recommended that I stay over night for observation. They also released me because the only answer I gave to the ER doctor was that a swing did this to me.

I remember this event somewhat clearly. I remember my mother crying and screaming that I could not stay over night when the doctor suggested that. I remember my mother's other worry was whether my hymen was intact or not. I remember the doctor telling my mother that he did not see how my story was possible. He did not see that there was anyway that a swing could have done this and that the shorts I was wearing were not torn. I remember the doctor shacking his head and saying to his nurse "this is a mess".

I remember the embarrassment of having a doctor have to look at me there. I remember thinking to myself that I really could not remember how this happen but I could not tell the grown-ups that because I didn't want them to think that I was stupid. I remember my brother being on top of me earlier that day and him hurting me more than other times but never making the connection between me being in the ER and what he did earlier than day ( I did not make that connection until after I had children of my own and seeing them at the same age of this event)

The ER staff betrayed me when they let me go home with no follow up and within a few weeks my brother was back on top of me again. My regular pediatrician never received this ER report. I can't ask for the hospital record anymore because they destroyed records over 30 years old.

My ex-husband: He betrayed me because towards the end of our relationship after he tried to strangle me and slammed my head against the wall he turned everything that I kept in confidence with him about the CSA into a way to belittled and humiliating me. Even going so far as to bring up to the divorce lawyers that I am an unfit parent due to this past CSA.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Going to the ER with a torn bloody vagina at age 7. Being placed on phenobarbital at age 7 because I complained of a stomach ache all the time and was nervous (they were sure this was from school stress). Going to the my pediatrician for returning UTIs. Unexplained bruises on my thighs. Severe depression through out my adolescence and adult life.

My school records showed: I struggled through out grade school and was in special low groups for Math and Reading. I went to speech therapy at school for lack of “TH” sound usage (that blended consonants represented the sound my brothers used for what they did to me). My low productivity in school all turned around when my brother moved out of the house and joined the armed services.


4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

This is a very deep question. The betrayal that I have experienced has lead me to those thoughts of despair. I can not deny that I have very few friendships and stray from intimacy but there is another part of me that does not want to give up and still strives to enjoy, trust, and endure relationships even if it is on a very small scale. I have kids and I would not have given birth if I did not think that this part of me was dead. However the betrayal still haunts me so I do have to address this despair at times. When my depression is greatest is when these convictions shout most loudly.

5. How do you see yourself now?

A messy depressed woman with few friends that still struggles with her past. I use humor as my way out of the muck.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

The telling with my parents and my brothers can me summed up in this post I wrote a little while ago:
http://pandys.org/fo...&...st&p=429551

The telling to other people...
Within my extended family (cousins, Aunts, Uncles, grandmother) it has been frighting and greeted with awkward silences and minimization on the part of the relative ( I am sure it was not that bad because you brother is really nice) and people wishing to remain impartial because they really like my brother (I am sure you are just over reacting or forgive and forget ... he is your brother after all)

Telling friends about this ... I normally did not have the friend anymore. I am normally greeting with awkward silence.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I am learning to with both others and myself

Edited by Zebrina, 28 March 2007 - 07:27 AM.


#52 luckylilley

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Posted 28 March 2007 - 11:29 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone?
Yes, he threatened to hurt me again, and I knew he could. I was more afraid of him than anything else, I still am and haven’t seen him in almost two years! I also didn’t want to put my family through anything else at that time.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Yea, when I told one friend they were like “oh” and than wont talk about it any more. we talk about everything! But not this, it really hurts that she wont be there for me through this. And also people who don’t believe me, that hurts more than anything


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I don’t know, I kinda just pretended for so long and than started to brake months later when I couldn’t take it any more. Friends who really cared asked about it, but I know a lot of people noticed.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I don’t agree at all, trust can be built and can last. Relationships are needed more tha anything to heal from what has happened. I am learning to trust again, I know relationships can last because my God is powerful and I know relationships can still be enjoyed because my friendships mean more to me than anything!

5. How do you see yourself now?
Broken, and worthless. I love my boyfriend more than anything but feel guilty every day that he is with someone like me who can not give him what he deserves

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yea I have told four people, but I also know that some of those people have told others, some with permission to and others without so I don’t know how many people actually know. For the most part it had been good for me and has helped with healing but some have also hurt alot

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I am learning to trust others. I have had my trust broken several times in different ways and it has been hard to re build that trust but I have an amazing boyfriend who is helping me learn to trust again no matter what has happened in the past that does not shape the people around me or decide how they will act towards me. I don’t know if I trust myself I thought I did but I question myself now.

#53 Camellia

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Posted 29 March 2007 - 06:20 AM

1. Where you silenced by someone? How?

No. No one silenced me. I silenced myself. There was no one I could tell, it was too embarrassing. Besides, I did not consider myself to be raped the first time, in anycase, I still would not have told; the second time, I minimized it—it wasn’t violent. My perp was my boyfriend and I thought that I would keep it under wraps. It was between us and was of no concern to others. (Such a wrong thing to have done).


2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I’ve told very few people. One, as far as I know. After realizing that I was raped and assaulted, and that I was promiscuous and that I was honest about desiring him (I loved him), he told me “I treated you as a commodity because you are not Christian and I wasn’t going to marry you anyway”. He also claimed that his fiancée sanctified him. In short, I was dirty and she was not. I had the guilt of exciting his passion while she could control his.

3. Did you “tell” other people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

No. No one could tell that I was abused. I felt that no one on campus was really interested anyway. I became clinically depressed. Since I had been blue for a long while before the rape (friends who were not psychiatrists told each other that I was a manic-depressive which I was not), it seems that everyone thought that I was just being depressed. It was stupid. I should have told my deans.

My parents did not understand my depression.

4. “The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last” Do you agree to that statement? Why or why not?

I feel that it is true to a certain extent but I fight against that sentiment. I can enjoy relationships without trusting completely. I can enjoy relationships while not expecting them to last, while wishing they would. But I believe that if I find someone who really loves and respects me, I should be able to have all. My family is a testament to the above quote and this helps me greatly.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I have no idea. I don’t want to see myself. I guess, persevering. Scared. My therapist says that my core is compassion. I'm very pleased with that!

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
For a long time I didn't but I began talking since last year, bit by bit. I told one lady at church without citing rape. She was the first one who defined it as rape. She was extremely encouraging. I believe that God lead me to her. I told my therapists—they gave a legal term to my experience as well. They were very encouraging. My father has been supportive. My friends, less so. One seems to think that I am overreacting. One not writing for ages because he was so shocked forced himself to write an email. I was very touched by that. Others have acted as if nothing happened and have not made any comment. I feel that most who know my perp will disbelieve me but they don’t know him as well as I do. They’ve never gone out with him.


7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I only trust my family—they care about me.

I don’t know if I can trust myself. The abuse has damaged what little confidence I had. I know that I can’t trust myself when I’m depressed. I can’t assess risk very well. While at first I may be extremely suspicious, I can turn immediately into a trusting person, following blindly. That’s why I have a written list of people I can trust. If you are not on that list, I will not even talk to you. In any case, when I’m depressed, I become confused and have a hard time talking.

Edited by scamellia, 29 March 2007 - 06:30 AM.


#54 Pavitra

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Posted 09 April 2007 - 11:00 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My family of origin was the first to silence me... they told me I had a big mouth. That I was stupid. That I didn't know what I was talking about, I was being "too sensitive" and "overreacting."

The fact that they could talk almost anyone and everyone out of being concerned for my welfare if I told, made me doubt myself so much. The first part of my 30s was spent going OMG that was WRONG! at everything I remembered, that is the parts I hadn't already acknowledged as being bad.

It also was spent realizing that how the adults in my childhood life reacted (or rather, didn't react) to my reaching out for help was NOT a reflection on whether or not my life was normal. They were willing to take the word of my b-parents over me because of their professions and my b-mother in particular can be very good at manipulating people.

If it wasn't the put-downs or accusations of being ungrateful, silence was induced by telling me there was nothing wrong with what happened and it was normal.

It was effective training. I learned to slap a smile on my face and pretend, deny, etc. It was the only way I knew how to get "table scraps" of love from my b-family.

My X-H silenced me by threatening to make sure I never saw our daughter again, including trying to make me sign a document saying I'd give her up if I left him before we married (I was pregnant with her at the time). Of course after I did finally leave and told people he denied it, but the hell on earth he put me through during the custody hearings sure reinforced his threats.

When I was raped by a former boyfriend he didn't have to silence me. I felt like it was too late to say no and just let him do it once he started. All that prior training, like I said, very effective...

I had a family member make legal threats to try and silence me for speaking out against them. This person also stalked me for a year.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Yes. My b-mother told me repeatedly my being sexually abused was "normal family experimentation," no matter how many times I told her that isn't true. When I tried telling her I never wanted it, never consented, that I told him no, she outright said she was going to choose to believe her own version of the story.

She also knew about my being raped but would talk about that one like he was an old family friend.

When I told another friend I'd been raped, he went "I dunno, sounds like a grey area to me..." I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach - this was someone who had been very supportive of me while going through my divorce an was one of the first. Later on he told me it would be wrong to cut off contact with my family when I wanted to do it in my late 20s and his advice was the reason I continued to put up with their abuse for another 3 years before I finally went through with "divorcing" them.

I consider my extended family's refusal to believe that I was SA'd by my b-family to be a form of betrayal too.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I had anorexia throughout my teens into my early 20s and then lapsed again after I was raped. I also struggled with compulsive eating from the time I was little until I started getting help a couple years ago.

As a child nearly every one of my report cards said I "did not work up to my full potential." I think part of that is my having neurological disabilities that were not officially recognized or were only diagnosed in boys at that time and therefore no help was available to me, and nobody is to blame for that, it is what it is. But it wouldn't surprise me if the abuse making me think so little of myself contributed.

I was also criticized for crying a lot, not just by my b-family but teachers. I was told I had an "anger problem." (Gee, you think?!)

I have had chronice problems with depression and anxiety nearly my whole life. I also have some PTSD symptoms though I've never been officially diagnosed. I've had so many bad experiences with therapists I can't bring myself to go again.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Sort of and sort of not. I think if I genuinely felt that ALL relationships could not be enjoyed, trusted, or expected to last, I likely wouldn't be married with kids today. But, it doesn't mean that I don't have an edge of cynicism when it comes to my marriage, or that I don't have difficulty enjoying my husband and children, and I think this concept is behind why I tend to find fault in others and why I have difficulty communicating my emotions and opening up.

5. How do you see yourself now?

A mess.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I've been telling people for a while now. Most of my friends know I am an incest survivor, as does my husband.

Only a handful of friends and my husband, and Pandy's know about the rape.

Most of my friends, except for Mr. "Grey Area" have been supportive (I'm no longer friends with him or his wife, we, um, fell out of touch). Same with my husband, he's been the one person to validate what I've been through as being abuse or rape in real life. His family knows about my family of origin and they have stuck up for me, they tell me constantly that I am family to them.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

This is still a big issue for me. I don't have as much fear of abandonment anymore but I still do fear that certain people in my life won't "be there" for me in the way I need or that if I'm honest about how I feel that I'll be retaliated against, as unfortunately that has happened. I've also dealt with the whole thing of believing that because I was raised a certain way or because I had certain experiences in some relationships that this must be how everyone is, and that does chip away my trust in others.

I am not sure about whether I trust myself. Okay, no, I do know - I don't. I never take big risks and want everything to be comfortable and remain the same so I don't have to be scared and I don't have to worry about making mistakes or failing. So no, I don't trust myself.

#55 shoshanahlily

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Posted 20 May 2007 - 01:47 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
Only silenced by myself, not willing to talk in fear of retaliation and then once i did start talking i was retaliated against so in a sense my fears were grounded in reality.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Well i'm not sure, does my mother telling me its my fault count?

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I don't know if i was actually trying to tell anyone what happened but I did witdraw completely from my life and quit my job. I relocated to another town and never spoke to anyone who I knew before about what happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
Yes. I am scared to even think about entering any relationship. I do have one friendship now but i'm still very scared because i get so touchy about subjects that I often scream or yell or argue about my feelings and i wonder if i'm just constantly trying to make this person out to be an enemy although she has proven time and time again she is a really good friend.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I see myself as one who exists, i live and move but have no being.

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Yes I have started talking. Its still very difficult at times but mostly its been positive. I've found more support and then I find myself craving human contact so I can just talk to someone about whats happening and how I'm feeling then I don't feel so bad and so completely alone.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I waiver on this. Trust isn't really a word I use anymore. I would like to trust again but it seems like a far off goal and I don't know when I'll reach it if ever. As for trusting myself, if I could get past this self doubt and self hatred then maybe that would happen again too. I just don't know.

Shoshanah

#56 Tiffy

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Posted 24 May 2007 - 06:56 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Yes, I was silenced by a couple of my abusers by them threatening me that if I told anyone they would kill me or they would give me the impression they were going to hurt me worse if I let anyone find out. I also silenced myself by living in isolatation and not allowing myself to talk about it for fear of the unknown happening.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Most definitely, my mother betrayed me by not coming to my rescue when she knew for a damn well fact I was being abused. I have a lot of "relationships" with abusive alcoholics who probably could've done more to protect me ie: my father and other family members.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Yep, I devoloped Anorexia at age twelve and I still continue to hurt my body by starving. I withdrew myself majorally by the time I was about 14-15 to the point I dropped out of school by the time I was 15.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, more than I should. People have proven to me that they are worth being trusted and I still have issues with completly trusting them. I always expect people to leave my side so that way it doesn't hurt so much when they do. And I rarely enjoy relationships to their fullest for some reason or another.

5. How do you see yourself now?

Tough one. I see myself as damaged. I'm most definitely not the same person I was at one time, but I see sides of that being good and bad. Sometimes I don't even think I know who I am. I definitely don't like myself and there's times when I can't even stand myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes, I have told others about my abuse, and I've had expirences that were good and bad. I've had therapists not know what to say so they blurted out the first thing that came into their not-so-smart minds. I've had "friends" that have abandoned me. I've had therapists and friends that were supportive. And then there is always the people that feel sorry for me.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

It's rare that I completly 100% trust someone, but most of the time I keep my fears about them to myself. I don't trust myself much since being abused.


#57 Lissa

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Posted 01 July 2007 - 04:11 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I guess by myself...I didn't recognize what had happened at first as assault; the guy told me "you did nothing wrong, don't regret it," so I thought it was just plain regret I was feeling. And people didn't even know that I was hooking up with this guy cuz we kept it secret, for some reason. I heard my friends talking about him and saying how he was a jerk to girls and stuff. So, even after calling it assault and telling one person about it, I never said who it was, because I thought I'd be told I was stupid for seeing him in the first place. Plus I thought the guy would swear that he didn't do anything to me and I would feel all defensive, and already I continuously sway back on forth on what was my fault or his. People might have believed me over him, but I didn't want to risk it. I could have told more people if I wanted to, I guess.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
My friend I told was not available for me to talk to him. He used to always be around, and suddenly he was much too busy, and he never said when a good time to talk was. Then he got frustrated with MY frustration and said that he didn't want to be my "therapy friend" and I should try to have happier conversations with him. I was extremely let down.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other than words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I think I really withdrew, I stopped sitting with my friends at meals so much because I didn't want them to hear them making their usual jokes which I was now very sensitive about. I spent a lot of time crying in my room. I especially stopped watching movies with them because certain scenes, the way guys spoke to women, made me very upset and I would leave; this was before I even officially labled what happened as assault. I have since found from the person I told that, after one of those times, my (guy) friends discussed whether something had happened to me. but they never asked me, and I didn't know they suspected anything. They didn't stop making insensitive comments (not as bad as what some guys say, but still, not things you typically hear girls joke about). The next semester, I became kind of obsessed with rape myths/education and kept talking about that, which made them suspicious again. But when I mentioned I was a virgin, they decided everything was fine. I guess in their mind, you were either raped or nothing at all happened.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I think betrayal does deepen that conviction, but I also don't think it means you can't ever have a good relationship again. It's just harder.

5. How do you see yourself now?
I'm at home for the summer, being a hermit and just trying to relax after being so stressed out this year at school. I feel like my perspective on things has changed enormously, and I feel like I have to make a lot of changes with how I go about dealing with people because I'm sort of a doormat. I'm afraid that if I don't take the right measures about how others see me, then I will be hurt again or worse in the future, although I know that's kind of a negative way to think because it's like blaming myself for what happened. But I feel like I make it hard for most people to respect me, lovers or friends, because I avoid confrontation too much. I would also like to be with another guy,to be with someone who treats me properly, or even to be with a jerk again so I can leave him, to prove to myself that I know when to leave a bad situation...

6. Have you ever begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
7 months after it happened and 2 months after realizing what had happened, I told a girl I've been online friends for 6 years, and have continued chatting to her about things since and she has been perfect, except she's not free to talk very much (and I avoided asking her to talk more often, because I had been let down by my someone else). I wish I could talk to her in person. I told one guy friend at school, who was initially great, but then very disappointing, as I said in #2. I saw a school counselor for a month and a half, before the semester ended. She was very nice, but it felt awful having to bottle up everything and only get to talk for one hour a week, and to someone who HAS to listen, not a friend. Therapists are good, but aren't you supposed to have both therapists AND friends?I have also never told anyone who assaulted me or exactly what he did.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I trust the guy that I told. He is not much of a friend, but I don't believe he would ever abuse a girl he was seeing. The guys who came to my school to do the One in Four Men's Program also help restore my faith. But my basic instinct is to not trust guys, I guess, though I know there must be others like the ones I already know. I do not think I trust myself very much, because I am still so appalled that I got myself into a situation with a guy like that, that seemed completely out of character at yet I was still drawn to him. I thought I would know better, which is why I want to be with another guy, to prove to myself that I DO know better, and I just wasn't educated well before. But I'm also afraid to be with a new guy in case things go badly.

#58 astralvigilante

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Posted 07 April 2008 - 03:57 AM

I was harassed/stalked, not raped but I'll answer anyway.

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I felt like a wuss because I was being harassed by a blonde girl with large breasts (you know the type) in high school, who was rather slutty...but she was very forceful with flirtation, liked to get into personal space and touch more than was necessary. She would also go out of her way to corner me when I wasn't expecting it, and to rally her friends to push me to be with her. Plus she was bi and I was gay...and to say, "This blonde slutty chick is sexually harassing me to the point that I have nightly rape nightmares about her" is hard to do.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

I don't know honestly. My friend sort of loudly belted it out to some people that I was having rape nightmares about the girl (lovely huh?) and that I consider to be betrayal in some way.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

The girl who did this is by FAR not the only reason for my depression, but I cut...I've dealt with bouts of anorexia (I'm not sure actually...I mean my friends say I have it, I say I don't...gaah), I've carved words like "pure" into my arm to try to feel like I'm still innocent despite a lot of things, and I wrote some poetry anonymously for our school literary magazine.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I sort of agree and disagree. When I had the first rape dream (after she had been giving me a dose of hell at school for a while), there was this moment when I felt like divinity had disowned me...this girl could just do whatever she wanted to me and no one cared/would help me. She still sometimes talks to me, and reinforces that if anything like that WERE to happen, I would and do deserve it...and it's hard when people tell me they want me in any way shape or form not to think of them as savage and horrible.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I hate myself most of the time.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes...but harassment is hard to tell people about because she was such a crafty manipulator, she was very good at making it look as if you started absolutely everything she did...and she's very proud of this fact.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust myself. I feel like deep down I'm a whore and I deserve whatever it is she has been trying to do to me...and I don't trust others because my own mother when I tried to tell her about this situation basically said, "STOP dreaming about girls/well that's what happens when you go around telling everybody you're gay."

#59 enfysmoon

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Posted 04 June 2008 - 05:23 AM

Here are my answers! (I do them too!)<p>
1. Were you silenced by someone? How?<p> i was silenced by my abuser (my stepfather). i was absolutely terrified of him and was convinced that he'd try to kill me if i told anyone <p>2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)<p>well, i feel like my mum betrayed me because when i told her she called me a liar. ive lost a few friends over it as well. they just dont want to know me anymore, as if im contagious. i feel betrayed by them as well<p>3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)<p>i think so. i used to write a lot of poetry. i started spending a lot of time on my own, and i was reading book after book on sexual abuse, and other peoples experiences, trying to understand.<p>
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?<p>i do to some extent. the damage from what happened to me has made me vary wary of relationships, and i dont trust people.

<p>5. How do you see yourself now?<p>as a very confused depressed girl. im 18 now and only been away from my abuser for 9 months. i struggle with everything constantly. the general workings of day to day life seem so exhausting and unnatural to me still. i dont know where im going, what im doing, or what im going to do.

<p>6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?<p> i told my best friend at the time and all of a sudden it was like the world knew. at the time when i left home, i was involved in the very public world of drag racing, and for a long time it felt like everytime i went there, i couldnt turn around without someone asking me why i wasnt with my family anymore. most people have been really good about it, and they all keep telling me that bad things happen to bad people so he'll get his deserve...

<p>7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?<p>i sometimes trust myself. not often though. i dont trust my judgement or my decisions. as for trusting other people, no. i dont trust them. as much as i love my friends and the people in my life, i dont trust any of them. i'm always wary of them and i'm convinced they'll eventually let me down. the only person i can trust is my partner, and even now, after almost a year, i dont trust him completely...



#60 Zarathustra

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Posted 16 June 2008 - 08:09 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

He silenced me. He refused to hear my no. Now I don't bother with refusal. I find myself silently allowing a lot more than I ever thought I would.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Not exactly. The efforts of my friends (with the exception of one) to support me have been feeble and half-hearted. Some change the subject, some pretend not to hear. But they are still, I suppose, well-intentioned people.

Frankly, I've betrayed myself by beginning to self harm. I was the one person I always thought I could rely on. I guess not, anymore.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't mean to, but it seems to show. People seem to have this uncanny way of... knowing. I am not sure why, yet.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes, I do agree. This is exactly how I feel about relationships, particularly romantic ones, at this time. I don't want to believe in anything only to get hurt again.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I barely know myself. I suppose I must be the same person, but it's hard to recognize who I once was.

I am selfish, scared, confused, needy, angry. I can't tell if I am re-creating myself or destroying myself.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have told some others. My mother has been wonderful about it. So has my best friend. A surprising number of people don't seem to know what to say. They act as if I've given them something really hard to deal with. Do they think it's easy for me?

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I count the people I trust on one hand.

I am not included.


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