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#31 Guest_no1savedmeisavedme_*

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Posted 14 November 2003 - 04:03 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was silenced by my father who was embarrassed that our community would think I was "a whore".  I was silenced by my family in general who said rape is nothing and if I only "laid back and enjoyed it, it wouldn't be a problem, so don't tell other people that it happened to you because you are the only one who thinks it deserves to be recognized as something bad"



2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My roommate in my group home made lude comments to other residents about it and told them I was obviously lying because the way I said it made no sense. Not that that could be due to my being afraid and not being able to speak clearly!--a bit of sarcasm helps lighten things


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I cut myself for a couple years, I withdrew, I cried constantly

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes.  I think people who are abused and then betrayed see it as proof that they are "unlovable" and just generally not worth life.  

5. How do you see yourself now?

damaged and naiive

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I tell people who I think could benefit from knowing.  I usually get people who are a bit stand offish and have no clue how to respond, but I usually achieve what I set out to achieve:  the realization by others that rape happens to real people.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I don't trust anyone except for professionals bound by law.  I don't trust myself because I am vulnerable to trusting the wrong people.


#32 LadyRose

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Posted 06 February 2004 - 12:20 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?  By my family who refused to believe that their 4 year old daughter had been raped by someone they were supposed to trust.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)  Yes, someone I considered a friend used his knowledge of what happened to mock me in front of others.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)  With my website and a few other hints I threw out there, that no one got.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?   I agree that it deepens the doubts, but not necessarily the truth

5. How do you see yourself now?  Growing slowly

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?  Very slowly, and I have still been very much ignored...

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?   No


#33 Guest__*

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 02:24 PM

sorry.

#34 Guest_crystalbutterfly81_*

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Posted 26 February 2004 - 10:30 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? No, but fear silenced me not to tell anyone about the rape for three months

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)My sister used my rape to cheat on her fiance, by using me as a n excuse; my lawyer betrayed me by telling my mother about the rape, who I never wanted to tell. my bestfriend who told her siter even though i didnt want her tell anyone

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc) I was completly nuts,  a cted out. Once I even left my journal somewhere with  a graphic poem about in it, hoping someone woul read it and help me,.  I also overate

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not? Yes, if someone betrays you how can you trust them?

5. How do you see yourself now?I am much stronger than I was even before the rape. I am survivor and  iHave alot self confidence that  I never had before. I am smarter about men and difficult situations

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?When I first told my bestfriend she made me feel  guilty. My sister was suppoerive but she did betray me (as stated before). My mother has never talked to me about it, I dont know what she thinks. My friends are supportive.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?I wary about who I tell, but I do tust. Sometimes I still dont trust my judgement, and think the rape was fault


#35 Melinda

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 12:38 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I was silenced by my family situation.  I knew that there was nowhere else for me to go if I told someone my father was an abuser.  My mother is completely dependent on him.  Telling just made my family situation weird (though not bad), and I'm still in it, why?

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
My mother betrayed me by not realizing what was happening to me.  I guess denial was her coping mechanism at the time.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I withdrew into my room all the time listening to depressing music.  I started cutting myself and writing depressing things on myself a lot (a teacher in school actually made fun of me in front of the whole class for this as I was writing how much I wanted to die on my arm, wtf?  I gave him the "I would kill you right now" look... you know the one I mean...).

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I agree that betrayal makes it difficult to believe that any relationship can be trusted, but I don't know about the rest.  I still enjoy relationships and hope they'll last, though I see how repeated betrayal could make you believe these are unattainable goals.

5. How do you see yourself now?
As a very strong person who should be strong enough to move out, but is scared that she might not be, and so is currently putting off the issue.  I think I fear most that I became dependant on my abuser for the life requirements that he provides (food, shelter, etc).  I guess I see myself as a little unsure about what I really want.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have and they've all been positive and supportive responses (I'm very lucky).  I usually wait until the other person has shared difficult things with me before I delve into the issue though.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I think I trust others sometimes more than I should.  I'm trying to believe mankind is generally good when my mind knows that most of it is not.  I trust my perception of people probably too much.  I feel like I should change it before this gets me hurt again.  So I guess really, no, I don't trust myself.

Very interesting, my dear Watson...  I didn't know I thought these things...

LGL


#36 Snickles4

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Posted 27 February 2004 - 05:04 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I silenced myself, I think. I just did not talk about it.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Not really. I have only told a handful of people, and one of them kinda blew it off, made what I told her seem unimportant. The others were very supportive.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I did a complete 180. I was always going out to parties and being the partier, as college freshmen sometimes do. After it happened, I stopped going out so much, came home early, was always the designated driver and would actually take several trips back and forth to a party all night taking people home when they wanted. I pretty much stopped sleeping at night. I also became very concerned with everyone else's safety, like a mom, knew where they were going and with who.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I sorta agree. Once betrayed by a close friend, an ex-boyfriend, I find it hard to trust others. As far as relationships wtih guys, I generally don't expect them to last. Even now, with my boyfriend who I love to pieces, I am not convinced it will last, even though he thinks it will. But I can certainly enjoy the relationship. I don't know...

5. How do you see yourself now?
Right now, I am in a huge state of confusion about my life in general.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
I have told a few people. It has been very hard to get the words out, but I feel relief after I have said it. Usually I tell because something else happened and I feel as though I need to explain myself. Like when I saw him when I was out with friends and I freaked out.  

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I do not trust others easily, there are many people who I trust. But sometimes I think I trust people that I shouldn't. As far as trusting myself, sometimes I do, but I don't because I trusted the guy who raped me.


#37 Molly

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Posted 05 March 2004 - 09:38 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

The first time I was silenced for a long time by the abuser telling me my mother would be angry with me if I told, however I did tell and was not believed.  The second time I silenced myself because I knew I would not be believed.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

My Mother has betrayed me because she didn't listen to me as a small child because I think she was too scared to face it.  And for turning the other way and not seeing what was happening in her own home the second time.  I feel betrayed by my sister because as I was about to "confess recently (as she had been hinting that she knew what was wrong), she told me that she wanted no involvement.  

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I don't remember after the first time.  During the second period I made up an illness because I thought being in hospital I would be safe, when that failed I went off the rails totally thinking it might get me taken away from there, when that failed I used to starve myself so that I would feel numb inside, then I blocked everything out.  Recently though I have had a breakdown and become depressed and withdrawn.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

5. How do you see yourself now?

Unwell, unstable, vulnerable, disassociated sometimes, weak, dirty, stupid, worthless, confused and alone.  But I do want to get better and stronger.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I told my boyfriend two years ago, but since blocked it out again and refused to face it.  He's been nothing but supportive and has helped a lot, but discourages me from telling others because he has trust issues (he's a survivor himself).  I have told my boss - but not details - following breakdown and having to take sick leave, and over email not face to face! i'm still a coward!  I told my best friend but have not found her to be very supportive, she feels that it's such a long time ago (although it only very recently ended) that I should be over it.  She also likens it to a sexual relationship she had when she was 14....but that was consensual, so I don't understand where she's coming from.  And i've told on here, and that has been very helpful.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust my boyfriend - I lean on him at the moment.  I have been too trusting of anyone in the past, just looking for someone who wouldn't let me down.  But they all did.  I can't trust myself at the moment, i'm unreliable.

Sorry it's so long, Molly xx


#38 Spiffles

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Posted 25 August 2004 - 01:47 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I never talked a lot when I was growing up. Shyness was not foreign to me, either. I was raped at 6 and didn't talk about it, let alone remember it until 10 years later. I'm not surprised I didn't say anything, the silencing came more from my parents then the guy who raped me. I was taught to not cry, or say I'm hurt, or ask for help, because my parents often harshly yelled at me when doing so. I was molested at 14, by a sort-of-boyfriend, but didn't say anything. I thought I had asked for it by putting myself in a situation where he could do the things he did. Friends thought I had a crush on this boy, so I figured they wouldn't believe me anyway. I remembered my dad molesting me at an early age, when I was 17. I hadn't said anything for all those years because I didn't remember. Though I write about these experiences, it's rare for me to talk about them. I've begun to find my voice, but haven't found it just yet... Fear is the biggest cause of silence for me.

2. Have others, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
For a long time I thought my mom betrayed me since my dad was the abuser, but I'm not sure she ever really knew. I'm quite sure she doesn't believe me now. That feels like betrayal in some form, I'm just not completely sure how.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
cutting, bulimia, anorexia, writing, painting, silencing myself, dissociating...

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I agree that betrayal does deepen those thoughts, but I also think we can learn to trust again with time. I agree because I've felt that many times myself. But at the same time I've learned to find faith in people and trust them again.

5. How do you see yourself now?
On the inside, I think I may be okay--meaning I believe my heart is good, and there are characteristics I do like. Yet more often than not I despise my outer appearance. There are times I struggle with feeling worthless and inconsequential to life.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Most of my experiences have been good ones. I had a wonderful therapist for about 2 years, who has helped me to grow and has deeply affected my heart and life. I've had caring, generous, loving, genuine, amazing, therapists and people to share these parts of my life with. I am grateful that the experiences have been good ones.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
I'm learning to trust others. I'm also learning to trust myself more often and really pay attention to me. There's been too much time passed where I haven't done that.


#39 Curious Blue

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Posted 18 November 2006 - 04:37 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Only by myself. I felt like it wouldn't have happened if I had been responsible enough to stop drinking, or strong enough to stay in control of myself. I told my older sister, who was the one who told me that what had happened was rape, and that I should be angry.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No. I am fortunate, my family was shocked and sad that I had not come to them, but they didn't doubt me or call me a liar. My own mind thought I was a liar, but no one around me that knew was ever rude or degrading about it.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

For a couple of months after it I withdrew from the world. I stayed in my dorm room when I wasn't in class. I wasn't afraid of him so much, but I did not want to see him walking around unexpected. I was angry more than anything else. I was angry at myself for letting it happen, and when I confronted him about it, at the suggestion of my sister, and with others nearby just in case, he rudely suggested I clue him in to what he was supposedly at fault for, claiming to have been to drunk to remember it. I felt robbed of my what was supposed to be my victory over him, and I was very upset.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

There are good people in this world. People who still believe that a relationship is more than sex, more than physical, who spend their entire lives with someone they love and trust implicitly. I still believed in that. Sometimes I felt like it is a pipe dream, but for some reason I couldn't let go of that hope. And now, I am in a very loving relationship, with a man who is unlike any other I've come across, I know that there are those who won't betray.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I'm growing, I'm a work in progress. But if I suffer for what happened, I know it's not alone anymore. I have loved one's who I can talk to or just be with in those times, and that is a great comfort.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

I have. My sister knows, as well as my mom and one of my aunts. If they have told anyone else I don't know. My boyfriend knows, as well as my close friends. My experience has been as good as I can hope. My family has been angry, not at me but at him. My boyfriend has known for about 6 months, and has been supportive for the whole time.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust everyone to a point. I trust fully Matthew (my boyfriend), my mother, and my sister, and myself.

#40 Shalom

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Posted 19 November 2006 - 07:09 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?


I think my abusers made an effort to keep me quiet but I don't remember any specific threats. I do remember they told me it was my fault, that I deserved it, that they had the right to do it because of this or that. I believed them, and I didn't believe. I believed other people would see it their way, I guess you could say, they did convince me that, at best, talking would get me into more trouble than it would them. I just had a feeling I would get tbe blame.

I was also silenced by my relationship with my parents, in that my dad punished me using the same line - "You deserve this, I have the right to do this" - and that line of logic felt just as wrong with him as with them. In both situations there was a part of me that was just sure they were wrong, that what they were doing was wrong, but at the same time everyone seemed to agree with their assessment and not mine. I was about five when this all started, maybe six, just starting to seriously wonder if maybe my version of reality wasn't the real one. :P

But since they seemed to be coming from the same place as my dad, even if they didn't tell me I'd get in trouble if I talked, I think I would have been silent. From my perspective my dad was always flipping out over things I said, his reaction was very unpredictable and he was outraged by things I thought innocuous, and my mom always took his side, so I didn't tell them much of anything every anyhow.


2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)


The first incident of CSA, my best friend (a guy a year or so older than me) got me into it. I don't think he realized exactly what they had in mind, but he was using me to "get in with the older boys". He stayed after they had me pinned down and were poking at my private parts, but I don't consider him an abuser any more because I don't think he really went in knowing what was going to happen and I don't remember him having anything to do with what followed. Plus he was maybe seven years old. :rolleyes: And when he accidentally hit me in the head with a rock later during a rock fight I ran through, I think a great part of his repentence and sorrow was over setting me up to be abused, I guess. We stuck together fairly well until my family moved out of state when I was seven but the friendship was never the same. He didn't shun me but it wasn't right from his end, either.

After an incident of adult SA, the only one I ever talked about (actually, the guy talked first, pushed me into talking), I felt betrayed because. even though the guy who did it called it rape, my friends kept insisting it must have been a misunderstanding, that I must have sent mixed signals or something. The guy who was there said he knew full well I didn't want it, but my friends still tried to convince me otherwise. <_< I dunno if that's really betrayal, though. Sure felt like it was.


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)


I always thought I hid it well but my mom told me a few years back that she knew I was closing my parents out when I was five or six and never knew why. I'm 46 and still haven't told her much, although I did tell about the one incident my friend was involved in. The thought of discovery terrified me; even when part of me wanted someone to know the fear was stronger than the wanting. I often wanted to self-harm but didn't because I was afraid it would be noticed and then people would start asking questions.


4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?


I do agree with it, although I don't argue that the damage is life long - it can be healed, at least when it comes to certain people. I was always okay with friendships until they hit a certain point of closeness, then I'd shut down. My closest friends do not necessarily know a lot about me, but they accept me and appreciate a certain level of distance and formality. For instance, my best friend and I in high school would read together - not the same book - on sleep overs as much or more as we talked. We were close because we accepted the distance we both needed, somehow. I have never had a close friend who would pry, I have always had to have complete control over what I share and what I reveal.

The odd thing is, that while I find it hard to relax and enjoy relationships, and expect them to end quickly, I don't always expect to be betrayed. When I first got married I was sure my husband was going to leave me; the past five years or so, now that it's clear to me that'll never happen, I've been convinced he's going to die early. :rolleyes: What unnerves me is that I have been faced with all my greatest fears in my life, and that fear he'll die is rapidly moving to the top of the list. :o


5. How do you see yourself now?


For years I saw myself as wrong, bad, fundamentally flawed, misdesigned from the git go, just wrong, which is a totally inadequate word for the depth of the wrongness I feel but there is no word or concept that can convey it. Worthless, so profoundly worthless, but not just worthless because I didn't and couldn't perform to expectations - worthless because I was not what was wanted in the first place. Wothless because I was never right, ever, and there was no hope of ever being right; my greatest hope was of being replaced. The best thing I could do would be to die because I was somehow blocking out the person who should have been there by my own existence, only I was forbidden to kill myself because only God has the right to decide when you die, so I was doomed to a lifetime of being a negation, a negative, a barrier to what was right.

Even at best, I saw myself as out of kilter and weird. Now, the more I research it and particularly since coming to Pandy's, I've begun to realize I'm pretty normal, almost average, for someone with my background. :P Everyone reacts to SA and CSA in their own way, but there are patterns I fit into. Understanding dissociation clarified huge amounts of my personality, explained why I react to so many things as I do, helped lessen my frustration and anger with myself for the way I reacted to things because I realized it's how my brain works and not some bizarre self-sabotage thing going on. So now I guess I see myself as human, in the process of healing, rather than as this foul blot blocking the way of good things.


6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?


I've not told many outside of Pandy's, and what I've told isn't much. My husband has a rough idea of what I've dealt with, and knew from the first about some of it (we were engaged less than a month after the last SA). His response has ranged from taking advantage of my weak spots to very supportive, depending on how well he's doing (he's got issues :rolleyes: ). Mostly, however, he's been supportive, and he hates himself when he takes advantage - I only freeze up in sexual situations; I can usually challenge the guy after, and generally do....

I've told a few friends in a very vague way and they've been supportive in the general, "You're a good person who didn't deserve this" sort of way but don't want to hear about it, sometimes adding the, "you should get counseling" bit. :P But considering the nature of my friendships, I don't have a problem with that. I told my parents about the first incident of CSA, which was the most minor, and my mom got all fussed so I haven't bothered talking to them about any of the rest of it, but don't really want to, either. It's none of their business and there's nothing they can do about it except feel badly and like they'd failed me, so I don't see much point to it. I have confronted them on issues related to the CSA without mentioning the CSA, and their response as been fairly positive and supportive, in that they recognize they didn't do so well sometimes instead of laying all the blame on me. Which is a major step up from their attitudes at the time. ;)

I want to change the world for the sake of others, so that abuse won't be so common, but I don't see where my talking about my own experience will do that. I think getting out information on how the brain works and stuff like that is the best angle of approach for me - others talk about their own experiences and that's great, but it's just not my thing. At this point I think I would have no problem saying I was abused or raped if the issue came up in conversation, so in that sense I'm willing to be public about the bare facts of it, but beyond that I really don't care to share.


7. Do you trust others?


Not a trusting soul, nope. It takes a long time to get my trust, and that trust is easily broken. I still don't completely trust my hubby after knowing him for twenty years, although admittedly there's a sense where he's betrayed me more than once due to his own limitations. OTOH, I know and understand his limitations, and I can see how he's changed and grown, and he's probably worthy of my profound trust at this point but I just can't give it. I don't trust guys if there's the remotest possibility they might be sexually attracted to me. I don't trust people who remind me of my abusers, who have similar interests, even though I recognize this is pure prejudice on my part. I don't trust people who remind me of my dad, ditto. I have huge trust issues when it comes to anyone in authority, which I handle mostly by avoiding authorities. :D

And even when I do not specifically distrust someone, I'm not likely to share much, risk much.


Do you trust yourself?


Where I think I'm trustworthy. ;) I have a fair graps of my limitations at this point, I think, so it's easier to trust myself than it used to be.

Sheryl

#41 lovingmum

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Posted 21 November 2006 - 05:59 AM

:oh: :oh: :oh: What Sheryl said! I would have written all those answers almost exactly the same but you wrote them better than I ever could.

#42 Kaiya

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Posted 21 November 2006 - 07:57 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

I was only silenced by myself. What happened to me happened in seperate incidents and I just failed to belive that people woulc carry on beleiving me after the second time.



2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Noone beleived me. Everyone I told about either incidents carried on being the perps friend in alot of cases more then me. My close friends told me it wasn't a big deal....they would spend time with him for weed more then me. My other friend told everyone she could that I was no longer a virgin, when really I considered myself one. I did not consentually give my virginity away....I was still a virgin..... The police too did nothing,


3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

Untill the last year when I have been really tackleing it I would cut myself several times a day. I also fall into bulimic and anorexic thinking sometimes, but I try and keep that too under control

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes. I think people who are abused and then betrayed see it as proof that they are "unlovable" and just generally not worth life. <<<---what they said

5. How do you see yourself now?

Better then i did. Alot of the time I sitll see myself as contaminated and damaged and worthless and ugly and empty. Sometimes I do feel better about myself now though..sometimes I like myself

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
Other then On here I never talk about what happened anymore. I was really open about it at first, due to noone beliveing me I seemed to tell people in the hope that someone will tell me it wasnt my fault and sort me out...noone ever did though

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

There is one person i trust in the whole world completely...and then about 2 or I almost completely trust...that is it....As for trusting myself ..I'm not sure I do secretly I don't trust myself to keep me safe

#43 miss_sunflower

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Posted 05 January 2007 - 01:02 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

My first abuser and the friend that was abused with me -- I still see my abuser, and he still scares me. And I still haven't told my family because of the fact that taking action in such a small town scares me so much. And I feel like my friend lead me into this bad situation and because I was a weaker person, totally fell into all of her manpulative traps.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Again, my friend I was abused with. Although I needed her support, we never talked about it. And later on in life, she began to mercilessly bully me and torment me at school with other kids -- plus I believe she told people about the abuse, while leaving herself out of the equation.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew even more than I did before (I'm shy by nature), I find myself to be a very angry, quiet, selfish person, and I have a lot of trouble sometimes, controlling my hostility towards people.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I find this to be true, in a way. Sometimes I get a crush on someone, someone that I care about and would love to have a relationship with, but at the same time the prospect of "relationship" is TERRIFYING for me, and I put up walls because of the fact that I can't imagine myself enjoying intimacy with someone, even someone I genuinely like and see myself falling in love with. In addition, when I forge a relationship, even a friendship, with a guy I don't expect him to enjoy my company back or be my long-lasting friend, and I believe that's my abused self fabricating these thoughts.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I feel that before last year when I started to come to terms with the abuse, 10 years later too, I was much weaker and less empowered than I am now that I am starting to tell people close to me. I feel like that I am starting to purge myself and talk and write and seek help in regards to my CSA, is a sign that I am stronger, more apt to handle difficulties of the past, and much more mature than before. But at the same time, I see myself as someone with permanently damaged confidence and trust.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

Yes, but only VERY recently. I have told the people that I am in a creative writing workshop with, because I feel in order to understand the darkness I portray in my world, they needed to understand my CSA. I have also told two close friends (close emotionally, but not geographically) over email, but close friends I see in person on a regular basis still don't know -- I find it VERY hard to tell these people in person, and may never. My experiences telling were positive everytime. The people in my class were supportive and grateful for my bravery,and my friends both believed and offered support or a shoulder to cry on, and said they would find it almost impossible to look at me differently than they did before they knew. They're true friends and I love them.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I have sort of a strange answer for this. I have seen so many stories about women who suffer abuse repeated times, and because of personal traits I won't disclose, I don't trust myself just because I am afraid of wandering into a situation when I will be abused again. I don't trust myself with men because I am afraid they will manipulate me the way my abuser did. In terms of trusting others, I do -- I have had a lot of love in my life, and support from people who didn't even know about the abuse and may never -- and because I have only wandered into one bad situation like CSA, I believe in the good of the people I surround myself with regularly and trust them all deeply.

Edited by miss_sunflower, 05 January 2007 - 01:05 AM.


#44 Betty

Betty
  • New Member
  • posts: 1

Posted 11 January 2007 - 02:24 PM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

No. I silenced myself i guess.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

No, i never told anyone.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

I withdrew. And i think in a way i'm still doing it.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

Yes i agree. It's hard enough dealing with an event like this without having betrayal added into the mix. I personally find it hard to see past the moment, and if you can't see a future then it's quite hard to envision a relationship lasting.

5. How do you see yourself now?

I don't really know. I can't help but wonder how i might have turned out had it not happened. I don't think i've even begun to deal with it properly though...just shut off and avoided it for years. As a result i'm too hard...i don't know how to feel.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

No, i don't know how. I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone to discuss it.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

Not with anything important. It's not real trust. As for myself...i guess so yeah. I don't think i have a choice but to trust myself. I feel like i've gotten myself this far so i can keep myself going.


Thanks, that exercise is really helpful.

#45 soulconstance

soulconstance
  • Member
  • posts: 812

Posted 20 January 2007 - 12:58 AM

1. Were you silenced by someone? How?

Yes. Told to be quiet.

2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)

Not in relation to the abuse, no.

3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)

****TRIGGER****

I was hyper-active as a kid, which I think was a wall that was put up to try and make everyone believe everything was ok... mainly because I'm not as hyper now unless I intake a lot of sugar.
I also cut since right after sixth grade. Cutting for a little way was the only way I could do anything, I felt.... it was my only control over the world. I could cut and all the pain would go away and I'd feel completely in control. I eventually started cutting in places people couldn't see so that they wouldn't know. But I'm sure it started out as a cry for help.
I also got EDNOS which consumed my life for about two years (I got very sick very fast.... After about six months I started getting light headed and getting so weak that I'd roll out of bed just to smoke a cigarette so that I wouldn't eat and then go back to bed --- I skipped a lot of school). *****T***** I started making myself throw up when I tried to stop cutting. I used that for awhile... when I got too sick from that I started starving myself. I would bounce in between crying out for help and wanting to disapear because it was almost killing me and no one even noticed when I'd fluctuate weight and drop 20 pounds in two weeks. (Though right after I told my girlfriend I passed out (I knew I was getting dizzy... I knealed down and they told me I needed to stand up because we were getting into the car. I stood up and got my head then littler just fell straight down without being able to do anything. They picked me up and moved me to a safe place and I had a seizure. That's when I decided that was something I needed to change.)

I've given up trying to tell most people in my life about what hurts me. I know I can't say it bluntly, so I just write it instead.... or blog it. I try to deal with things on my own so I don't have to worry anyone or involve someone in what I consider 'my drama'.

4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?

I would have to say that it certainly feels that way.

5. How do you see yourself now?

It really depends on my day. Some days, all I see is the weirdness. Other days, I see a creative girl who's making emotional progress every day.

6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?

People have known about the rapes since about six months or so after the first one. And I told my counselor (who told my parents and my brother's PO) about it.... about three years ago.

7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?

I trust others better than myself, and I still don't trust anyone completely.

Edited by soulconstance, 20 January 2007 - 01:08 AM.



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