1. Were you silenced by someone? How?
I'm not sure that it was 'someone' in general,
but I know that the fear of rejection and of
being seen as 'bad' definitely kept me silenced
for years...sometimes it still does.
2. Have other, beside the abuser, betrayed you? (In relation to your abuse?)
Family. I was 'forced' to tell my parents when
I was in the hospital when I was 16, they cried,
told me that they knew my brother was capable
of it and then forgot about it....never mentioned
it again. When I mentioned it over 10 years
later,they thought I was 'delirious' until they
went back to my 'medical notebook' and saw that
they wrote it down...." Oh, ok I guess it
happened, we wrote it down when you told us"
The time before that I had to mention it in a physical....when the question was asked my
Mom instantly answered "Never" for me and
when I said.."uh, yes I was" she asked by
who and then said....oh yeah.
3. Did you "tell" people in a way other then words about your abuse? (anorexia, withdrawing etc)
I became dependent on others for validation,
went through times with alcohol, drugs,
cutting myself, terrible relationships, sex
with anyone who 'told' me I was ok,the patterns
of failure, very dangerous situations, extreme
I was screaming to be heard.
4. "The damage of betrayal is deepening the conviction that relationships can neither be enjoyed, trusted, nor expected to last" Do you agree with that statement? Why or why not?
I absolutely agree. My life has been a series
of 'groups' I've hung around. Here for a bit,
just until they get to know me a bit and then
time to bail. I wanted to bail before they
could when they realized who I 'really' was.
When you bail enough you run out of places
to go. I am working my butt off right now
to trust in a 'healthy' relationship....it's
the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
5. How do you see yourself now?
Scared, but willing. There's a lot of work
yet to be done, but I'm not cutting, drinking,
sexing etc. I'm walking though...sometimes
like a child, sometimes with the grace of a woman.
6. Have you begun to tell others about your abuse? What have your experiences been like?
When I started telling people, I got various
reactions. I began to be able to gauge how
others might react. For a time I told anyone
who was willing to listen,so they could tell
me I was 'ok' but it was always
as if I was reading it from a book. Now,
in the midst of pain I tell those
close enough to me to be affected by it.
7. Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself?
On a logical, intellectual level I can
discern and trust appropriately. On an
emotional, gut level....again, it is the
hardest thing I've ever worked on. There are times
when I'm like a child, trusting because I so
badly want them to be trustworthy or to validate me,
when anyone gets close enough though, it
becomes a fight within to trust.
Trusting myself....hmm...Yes, if I'm
walking in healing....no, if I'm trying
to 'avoid' it.