Good evening/Hello all,
I hope you are fairing ok.
I am new to Pandy's and I feel so lucky to have found this forum.
This is a bit of a selfish rant. The email may contain some triggers as it partially describes my most recent experience- which has resulted in my PTSD becoming worse than ever.
My ranting intro and segue into comments on shame.
I have recently left my abuser. Emotional abuse which escalated over 1 year into severe sexual and
emotional degradation. I was so brainwashed within that 1 year, I only figured it out after 8 months of intense therapy. Therapy only started as I became increasingly depressed ng just got me into more and more trouble - Horrible.
Because of his severe psychopathology, I managed to almost avoid intercourse for the last 4 months of our co-habitance. Mind you I soon learned that he found and even created numerous other ways to sexually debase me and then used them in between the few times we did have intercourse. He did manage to emotional berate(sp?) me and physically threaten me to the point where I totally caved during our moving/splitting period. The last day we lived together he coerced me into intercourse during which he repeated his usual BS of erotic denial but added some serious inference/mild occurance of erotic strangulation. Frightening is that he would hold himself back as if to keep from losing control because he got so sexually excited from my terrified state. However he would start up again with his hands around my neck once he felt I wasnt as terrified (in his control). I was so mortified I went to work that morning and carried out my tasks in order to keep what was left of my sanity intact.
It is since then I have found myself realizing the multifaced effects of the prolonged abuse.
The wind blows against my neck and I feel as though I am either going to pass out or throw up.
I havent slept in months. I am fortunate to have a very patient T. With respect to the flare of my ptsd, I already feel somewhat "better" and I realize what can improve will take quite some time; I also realize that other aspects of the aftermath may not improve (permanent triggers) and I will have to adjust how I deal with them- this in particular really pisses me off. I prefer being dissociated phases of PTSD versus hypervigilance- and I am stuck in hypervigilance.
Out of EVERYTHING: I find especially exasperating however......is the shame aspect
of self-acceptance. After you have been vicitimized,
unwittingly and then perhaps even wittingly dance the dance with the the domestic assliant....
there is shame.
It is almost impossible for even close friends not to view the
victim-enabler as some kind of imbecile. Most people do not
knowingly choose to be into what is an initially self-perceived
abusive relationship. I cannot tolerate for length- my "well-
intented" friends inferring that we maybe idiots
emotionally/intellectually to reinforce their own sense of security.
I fully accept I responsibility of my role as victim and
(somewhat in remission) "enabler" in my relationship with my X (deleted).
I hate the word enabler- its not our fault that the abuser treated us like shit.
We can make healthier choices in prevention- but sometimes those healthier choices arent an option when your already in the midst of danger.
Anyways.......I find that those I am around can make it more difficult to accept and
subsequently move on- since they cannot even fathom the possible monstrousity
of other technically speaking- human beings. Really conducive to feeling even more isolated than our abuser wanted us to feel to begin with.
Yes knowledge is power and we can make more intelligent choices esp.
with enhanced awareness. Anybody may or may not meet a "nice"
individual to have a relationship with....but on the same hand
anybody may meet an abusive partner. Even those not "vulnerable" can get sucked in
by these individuals- which is horrifying to say the least. Metaphor:
On any given day anyone could be in vehicular accident or smacked down by
a large vehicle while crossing the street. Most individuals cannot
consciously plan for such an event. While you can choose to use the
crosswalks and look both ways before crossing, regardless of
your "vulnerabilities" a mack truck will emotionally (and/or physically) obliterate
either an 85 y/o or 26 yr/old. Mack truck= abuser.
When you (or at least with myself) try to share your experience(s)
with someone relatively close to you....they just cant comprehend
the dynamic of an abusive relationship and of course "it" will never happen to them.....
Thereby reinforcing the shame factor, paranoia and inhibiting
healthy growth. I have had all I can do to divulge a handful of the antics to 2-3 friends. One is directly supportive, the other is directly consoling as she realizes she cannot process what happened. The second friend at least tries not to say anything too inconsiderate; but the other day asked why I was so upset the morning after I last spoke with my ex. (Duh?)
The/your links with respect to the dynamics of victims and society and it is
certainly a bonus to have validation in that regard......The whole
it would never happen to me dynamic is getting really wearing on me
right now and tending to spark my repressed rage. I am having all I
can do to grapple with my recollections of what occured and moving on in that regard without others unconsciously reinforcing shame....
Rape is rape. No one can "weigh" anothers experience against another.... However I feel as though I am less entitled on some level to feel violated as my abuser was X (deleted); as maladjusted as that maybe. I also feel less acknowledged by those who I have confided in- example. There was a report of a young woman being attacked on campus- horrible. My colleagues usually commented with thoughts of blaming the vicitm but also of arent we lucky "that" hasnt happened to us. My thought: Thanks for forgetting it has and thank you for invalidating my experience(s).
Thank you for finally ;) allowing the opportunity to vent/rant to those who know.....
I welcome your response/advice/feedback.
Edited by squirrely, 04 April 2006 - 07:13 PM.