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Shame and Telling-My Thoughts

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#16 Kala

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Posted 12 August 2002 - 02:19 AM

Telling the truth is so hard, I love the "dirtied your mind with my life" so true and just says it all.  Its so hard to not have peoples repugnance for the issue not be personal. My repugnance not become self hatred.  I dont even want the truth sometimes.
Thanks for the excellent words that I need to read often to give me strength.

#17 Maaike

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Posted 03 January 2003 - 09:01 AM


Thanks for this post... i just read it, maybe i read it before, i don't remember..
I do think it is stil hard to say the word, i hate the dutch word for rape (verkrachting) even more, i can't get it out of my mouth, it was even hard for me to write it down.
I feel that people are always weird about these issues, when i hear people talking about a person who was raped, they always talk about it in a way... i mean, like the person isn't who she was before, like u have to take care for her as if she can't make own decisions anymore, and like she can't leave the house anymore.
Or they talk like she has an dissease, or like as if she can't hear people talkabout her, so there's  a silence when she enters. Thats one of teh reasons why i can't tell friends or so, i dont want them to see me different. I am still just Maaike. I'm good at hiding, i mean, many people wouldn't know what happenend to me, when i am with people, alot of times i seem ahppy, and have fun. But i hardly really ever have, too busy hiding my emotions.
Well, i ope one day, poeple who were raped will be seen normal...
Just liuke u said: when u are robbed, or hit by a car, no one treats u different...
There's alot to change in this  world..

Hugs Maaike

#18 Guest_John L_*

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Posted 04 January 2003 - 06:09 PM

 I forgot a few other syptoms:
  -panic/anxiety attacks
Thank you both for replying so soon.  I couldnt believe I didnt have to wait long. I'm not sure what to say.  The truth is I was afraid of what the replies would be.  Im still lost but at least I know I have somewhere to look to.

#19 Guest__*

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Posted 08 June 2001 - 11:36 AM

    I'm printing your post right now...I hope you don't mind.  I want to be able to read it though, anytime I need to.  I can't tell you how much this means to me...this whole revelation sort of to me.  I used to think that when I told and she reacted like she did...that I was wrong.  I would tell myself all the time that I shouldn't have brought this into her life- that word into her vocabulary.  I used to think that it didn't matter how I was feeling- I had to figure things out for myself.  I thought that I shouldn't ask anyone for any help, because they didn't want to know about this.  

Everything you said about why "these people we trust so much" looking away, it made me feel less wrong and flawed and defective...  All those reasons you gave for people looking away- Fear, Ignorance, Control...  It made me feel sooo much better, I can't put it into words.  It gave some logic to the senseless.  Even though it shouldn't happen, it helped me understand a little why people react they way they do.

So thanks, thanks so much.


#20 Guest__*

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Posted 10 June 2001 - 03:20 PM

Thanks guys for your reactions.  I was a little scared about posting that, but the reactions to my previous post just got me thinking and I had to get the thoughts out.  I'm glad they have helped.

Of course I don't mind, if you print it out.

Amie, if you are going to use it for your support group, could you please email me at mistralmistral@hotmail.com, so I can give you my name.  I would put it here, but I am going to court, which complicates things a bit.

Thanks to all who responded.


#21 Guest__*

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Posted 20 June 2001 - 09:46 PM

Good for you!  I'm so proud.  Your strength gives me strength.


#22 Guest__*

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Posted 06 July 2001 - 04:26 AM

Rachel, I think I'm going to use your therapist's phrase "prettifying the experience" on my own therapist. He has never used the word, calling it 'the trauma' or 'the incident' or 'unwanted sex.'  He makes me afraid to use the word because he won't say it, and he's supposed to be a professional. I'm hoping to start speaking out after everyone's inspiration.


#23 Guest__*

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Posted 06 July 2001 - 05:53 PM

WOW.....total shock amazement. Man Mistral..you rock...thats all i can say....that was total awesomeness......You are going to be sooooo wonderful in your field!!!!

#24 Guest__*

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Posted 18 July 2001 - 12:00 PM

Just bringing this up for Desired.


#25 Monika

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Posted 19 July 2001 - 07:08 AM


This is the first time I was actually able to read this post...due to my own shame and confusion. Interestingly, I have recently embarked on this journey or perhaps crusade of sorts myself. You see, I never labelled it appropriately. I never called it what it was. I hinted at it, I threw out what I thought were good hints and I thought people (the very very few I told) got it. We never called it rape. Until May 14th 2001. That was the day it happened again. That was the day I got the rape kit done. My friend called it Sexual Assault first. The hospital and crisis center kept calling it rape. For the whole day those words echoed around me. I was in shock for the most part. But that was also the day that I started labelling it appropriately, too. I told a good friend that I was raped. She had said, "I never thought of it that way." I think my NOT labelling it was my way of protecting myself from the ugly, life-altering truth. If I didn't say the words I didn't have to face their impact. If I hinted around at it and other people couldn't figure it out, it must not be all that important. Not labelling it was a way of keeping my feelings at bay. It was a way of not dealing with it. It was a way of keeping myself, in some ways, emotionally safe. Funny...but when I used the word rape my friend's reaction changed and became more validating. My life also turned somewhat upside down. Plagued by sleepless nights, intrusive thoughts and occasional flashbacks, I am not the same. But I also feel like I am being true to myself. I still have a long way to go, my husband doesn't know. I don't want to "burden" him. I am afraid of being blamed. I am afraid of something I can't even identify, really. This post reminded me of somethings I'd thought in writing an activist sort of paper a while back. Yes, we get blamed by others so that others can feel safe and in control. You are right, Mistral, as long as it's our fault they don't have to worry about it happening to them. But we all know that that isn't true. We know it is a way for them to deny their fear, to keep feelings of vulnerability at bay. In many ways by using the word raped, or saying that I was repeatedly raped, I have somehow begun reclaiming...or perhaps claiming for the first time...the life that is rightfully mine.
Thank you for this wonderful thread!
(((safe hugs))) and gentle thoughts to all~ Rain

#26 Guest__*

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Posted 21 July 2001 - 05:44 AM

Carolyn, sweetheart--good for you. I hope you get the support and caring from your fellow choristers that you deserve. If not from all, I hope you can know that it's their problem, not yours. If you tell, let us know how it went, won't you?

Mistral my love, could you ever have imagined how much positive impact this post of yours would have? I know I continue to think about the points you made. You are a creator of light, and what we say has a ripple effect and this continues to ripple in some very fine ways....

Love and admiration

Rachel xxx

(Edited by Rachel Pike at 6:55 am on July 21, 2001)

#27 Guest_crying angel_*

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Posted 18 August 2001 - 10:20 AM

Bouncing this up for Disappear. Hope it helps.

Lots of love
*safe hugs*

#28 Guest__*

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Posted 16 February 2002 - 12:45 AM

Well Aoife I am glad you boosted this because I probably wouldn't have gone looking for it.  Well Mistral says it all right there.  I blame myself for the exact reason that Mistral says, to give myself some of the control.  It is probably going to be a long time before I can accept anyless.  

#29 Guest_John L_*

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Posted 04 January 2003 - 09:50 AM

Its late so Im going to copy what I wrote which was meant for the guilt and shame area but didnt seem to work.

 Guilt and shame are what kept and to this day have kept me from speaking out.  I victim of incest by my own father.  No-one suspects.  The previous isnt entirely correct.  I told my closest friend just before graduation from high-school.  All I sayed through long spaces & questions though was that I was raped by my father once when I was very young.  I could not say it all.  After this I never discused it again & its like it never happened in the first place.
 I connot remember how old I was but I remember when it started.  My father showed me how to wash my private parts when I was in the shower.  I remember he looked at me and smiled when he touched me.  I giggled (or something) back.  After, the usual tickle before sleep was different.  He shut the door just enough so you couldnt see out in the hallway.  He then tickled me but under the sheets.  He ran his hands over my pants, then eventually under.  He then invented games which basically envolved the same thing, but sometimes more focused.
 He said it was Satan who caused this and not to tell my mother.  I didnt understand but said I wouldnt.  He kept assuring me it would be or that was the last time.  Even after being tought basic sex education & danger by my mother at a young age (after) I did not think it was the same.  I didnt think it was sexualy related.
 Of course I realised it was later, but still denyed to some extent.  When I was 13 I started partaking in this activity & it developed to a sexual level. This continued untill I was 18 when I left home.
 I suffer from PTSD & have since grade 11.  Guilt & shame follow me wherever I go.  I blame myself for not speaking out before it got worse.  My father sayed "I no I am partially to blame".  I feel guilt & shame becuase Im the one who didnt ever say no & even sayed yes.
 The only syptoms I have of PTSD which wern't cured (bed wetting till grade 6) are:
 -illness leading to vomiting (If I eat) before any event (even minor) including school.
 -Trouble swallowing food (this was mainly if stressed from anything, any event which envolves leaving the house)
 I find that I lose the symptoms If I am not near my father but it reoccurs if he is around for long periods of time.
 Sometimes I get really down, but usually I appear very happy, thats why nobody realizes.
 After freqent visits to doctors I was diagnosed at 15 with a stress disorder.  I always remembered him saying "post traumatic stress disorder" once.  My father was with me at the time.  I wasnt sure if I had heard correctly.  My father sayed to mum that I had a stress disorder.  I sayed I had PTSD once to my brother & he just laughed & said "yeh sure" so I though he was probably right.  I only started to realise my disorder was was because of the abuse at around 18.  Today Im sure its PTSD.
 If there is anything you want to say, my email is:  isthisreal2003@yahoo.com

#30 Francesca

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Posted 06 January 2003 - 11:29 AM

Again, thank you for sharing. I think it's very brave of you. I wish you the best in your healing.

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