Premeditation - what a powerful word.
Dealing with date r*pe, or in my case and attempted date r*pe, is difficult enough. But to think that the crime could have been premeditated is almot unbearable for me.
My therapy sessions have been difficult and intense but extremely helpful to me. We have uncovered a lot of different feelings and conclusions, most of which I have shared here. But the revelation discovered by my therapist this past Monday was petrifying. She feels that this attempted r*pe was planned. Premeditated. That he was predatory and almost stalked me.
He searched me out when I was alone in a room. I don't know if I would go as far as to call what he did there sexual assault (he pinned me down and licked my back) but it was certainly disgusting and sick. He was about to try and get my pants down when we were thankfully interupted.
That is when he said "let's go to the other party" and I really had no choice as he had me by the wrist. But I remember thinking "thank goodness, we won't be alone anymore". The thing is, the route we took to the party (which we never got to) was so out of the way. There was a door right next to the dorm room we were in but he took me way to the other side of the dorm and out the side door. This way, we HAD to go by his car. The other door would not have brought us near the car. He ended up forcing me into his car and trying to r*pe me both orally and vaginally. There would be no other reason to go the way we went unles he knew he was going to do this. He dragged me in the door that we should have gone out in the first place and I am sure was going to try again but we ran into some people we knew. He lied about where we had been of course.
When I saw his a few months later at another party, I was not there for 2 minutes when he came over to me. It was like a radar he had - Michelle's here so let the games begin. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed at that party? I could only take it for 5 minutes and I had to leave.
I am really having trouble thinking he planned his attack. It makes me sick. Does anyone else out there feel that their r*pe was planned? I am not saying it is harder or easier to get over just that this is adding an extra layer to the ickiness that I already felt about the whole thing. How do I deal with this issue?
Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Oh gosh, I hope that this post didn't hurt or offend anyone.
Confused once again, maybe THAT should be my nickname,