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#16 NotYetHealed

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Posted 06 December 2002 - 10:28 AM

Okay - after my last goof I will try to respond to this awesome thread.  I look back over almost four years of emotions, from raw, fresh pain to the beginning of my journey towards healing.  Not too long after the r*pe I received a phone call from a friend who I had not spoken to in many years - we just sort of lost touch with one another.  We became very close again and one night when we were talking about the movie "The General's Daughter" he asked if I had ever been r*ped.  I suppose my silence answered his question.  He was the first person I confided in fully.  Just his picking up the phone that one day was my gift, my gift to open up, to feel safe.  He is my soft place to fall.  We have cried together, laughed together and fought this evil together.  He is always so full of such wonderful, tender advice that there is no way that I could narrow it down to one particular thing other than his reappearance in my life when I needed a friend the most.   Reading these posts in this thread, I have noticed that many of us have some really empathetic male friends.  I just now am thinking how odd it is that I felt that safe with a male.  Any thoughts on that, on why some of us tend to feel safer opening up to men in our lives?  I'd love to hear from you all on this subject!  ((((hugs for healing))))


#17 Guest__*

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Posted 22 July 2002 - 06:25 PM

For me, actions have spoken louder than words. The best response I've ever had was (believe it or not) when I finally decided I should tell my massage therapist (I thought it would have bearing on the way we interacted).

He paused... looked away.... stared out the window for a few seconds with the saddest look I've ever seen... and then he apologized and thanked me for being brave enough to share this with him.

I also told another friend just last night. His reaction was wonderful because he wasn't scared to talk about it. He asked questions, not accusing but really trying to understand how it had hurt me. And then, he thanked me for trusting him and told me he saw it as a true honour (that I had chosen to trust him). He said he will always be here for me, ready to bike or walk to my apartment if I ever need him, any time of day or night.

#18 Guest_raqueli_*

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Posted 01 November 2002 - 04:31 PM

Although I hadn't intended to tell a guy I've been dating, I also wasn't going to avoid the topic, which ended up coming up in a roundabout way.  This is from the email he sent me the next day:

"I was thinking about what you told me and why you told me.  Both of which are very clear.  Thanks for being honest.  Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.  I didn't ask questions because I didn't think that any questions I had at that time were edifying to you in any way.  Only to satisfy my curiousity.  And I think that's a lousy reason to ask.  
Well, your honesty is infectious.  I hope your cold is not as contagious.  
I'll see you soon."

I thought that was pretty great--which is why I'm seeing him again this weekend. :)

#19 Guest__*

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Posted 27 July 2003 - 11:07 PM

i love this thread so much. i think i'm going to refer back to this whenever i think people are jerks.

i had two wonderful experiances after i was raped. at it happened to me i told a friend of mine right away. i had always seen this girl as younger and i never completely opened up to her before. when i told her inside of dennys over tea she started crying and held onto my hands and told me that what had happened was wrong.
i just needed to hear right then that it was wrong and for someone to show empathy. that was the most powerful and helpful response.

the following weekend i went to another friends house. this is my very best friend and i knew she would help me. i told her late at night when her husband went to bed, we stayed up and watched the sunrise together, crying, drinking tea, eating cookies, talking, even laughing at times. she just held me. she told me that her home was always safe for me. we live in different states and now whenver we see each other and some point during the visit we hold onto each other, cry, eat cookies, drink tea, stay up till 5 AM and laugh. it is this incredibly draining but theraputic experiance.

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Posted 09 February 2003 - 05:08 PM

my sister has said  the kindest things to me and done the kindest things for me....most people wouldnt have thought that some of what she did was great...the morning after mt r*pe i woke up with bruises all over and i had to go out and i asked her how bad i looked and she told me i looked better than usual cuze i was there....then she took me over and did my hair put makeup on some of hte bruises found me something to wear that covered alot of the stuff and the gave me a big hug. that is just one example of waht she has done i will think of some more.

#21 Guest__*

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Posted 11 July 2003 - 04:30 PM

It's a small thing... but I thought it was sweet.  

My boyfriend knows that I was raped almost three years ago.  I just now started being able to deal with the rape (going to a therapist, etc).  Under "My Story" in the forums of this wonderful message board, I wrote my story.  I wrote it for the first time.  It was the first time I told all the details that I could remember about the rape... the details that I never told my boyfriend, or anyone else.  I told him that I wrote my story, and he asked if I would mind him reading it.  I was a little hesitant because there was so much that I never told him.  But, he read it while I was laying on our bed.  When he's done reading it, he comes over with tears in his eyes, gives me the biggest hug I've ever had and says to me... "You truly are a survivor." At that moment, I felt safe.
(((Hugs to everybody)))~

#22 Louise

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Posted 04 July 2002 - 03:51 PM


What a splendid idea. One of the nicest responses I got was being overwhelmed by memories, and my best friend cooked me dinner. She didn't dismiss it as being "past", she just listened and nurtured me. I felt as if, while I had to struggle in the past and get meals, etc. here was somebody offering me the chance to just be traumatized, and who would support me as I moved through it.

My dear husband....I showed him a detailed writing of my rape at eight years old and, while he admitted he didn't really know what to say, I think he did because he emailed me the following:

morning sweetheart , i know you have been hurting about what happened to you when you were 8 years old ,i just want to say that i love both you &that beautiful 8 year old,tell her for me that i will protect both of you,now &forever   love your protector kenny

And another:
sweetheart hope i did this right . i love you my darling i may not understand sometimes your pain but i will always be there for you in the long run .I DO LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART                          LOVE YOUR HUSBAND KEN    

And of course, some of the responses I've had here at Pandora's Aquarium are the best that can be had anywhere; they have been absolutely life-changing.

I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Love to all

Lou xxxxxx

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Posted 04 July 2002 - 11:29 PM

This is a really great thread.
I have been pretty lucky in that most of the responses have been very caring and kind.  Mr Pen has always been known for good responses but one that sticks out was when he planted a rose bush in the alley where I was raped by a boy I knew.  The following spring on the anniversary of my attack he picked a rose off my survivor bush and mounted it in a frame with the statement a Rose if forever printed below it.  (Actually this story also has a quite humorous part to it too because he planted the first rose bush and the lawn crew cut it down and he was very traumatized :))
The other great response I had was from my best friend from high school.  I finally told her three years after my attack, and she immediately believed me and truthfully said she really didn't know what to say except that she loved me and that she would find out the right thing to say.  She really would have liked me to call the number for the crisis center right then but I refused.  So that Monday, she set out and became a volunteer at the crisis center.   She brought me all kinds of booklets and learned the right thing to say.  It took three months of her volunteering there three times a week, but she made me comfortable enough to make the call and get into crisis counseling. (Oh and as she reminds me she was doing REALLY boring things like stuffing envelopes for fundraisers and cleaning the waiting room) She just graduated with a nursing degree and is going into training to be a SANE nurse.
And of course I love reading the wonderful and amazing words provided by everyone here.
Thanks for reminding me of the positive things.  The negative things said to us tend to push the positive things to the back of my mind.

#24 Guest__*

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Posted 05 July 2002 - 02:02 PM

nice nice nice! u guys are lucky to have such nice ppl in your lives.  

Well my friend and i rented the movie "Where the Heart Is" (great movie BTW)and i was having a really rough night with flash backs and all...and there is a part in the movie where i just snapped.  And left the room.  When i came back they said some amazing things which my friend later that night said to me in return.  "Our Lives can change with every breath we take"......then she said"don't dweel on the past, you have to take the good with the bad, b/c those bad things that happen are what make us who we are...and that my dear is a beautiful beautiful person." let me tell u how i just cried for like the first time in forever.  

again those other response and things said just bought me to tears...well almost your friends and famil are so loving ((((((((((((((GROUP HUGS)))))))))))))*XoXo*

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Posted 07 July 2002 - 08:08 AM

boost for a WONDERFUL thread!

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Posted 09 July 2002 - 04:56 PM

Thanks for all the responses. Sometimes I just need to be reminded there are good times. And that they'll come again.

#27 littleone

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Posted 11 July 2002 - 11:54 PM

this is a really wonderful thread. i have some to share:
this year has been particularly hard in therapy but my therapist just sticks by me and is so gentle and caring.
"You've been such a warrior." :)
"I'm right here, i'm not going anywhere, i hear you." (said while i was curled up in a ball with her arms around me and i was crying.
"Oh my God, michelle." --she was just finding out from a drawing i did about how much abuse there was from so many people.
"I hear you, I'm listening."-- that means a lot.
and of course the bestest things she has done to support me are when i am sharing the hardest parts of my story and she holds my hand or puts her arms around me.

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Posted 23 July 2002 - 12:34 PM

When I told my then friend, now husband, in my usual distracted monotone drone (that's just how I do it, can't help it) he seemed really quiet.  When I looked up he was just looking at me with tears on his cheeks.  All he said was "Can I kiss you?"  I nodded, stunned, and he did, on the cheek.  It was so sweet, and meant so much, because usually, if anyone wanted to kiss me, they just did it.  It was nice for someone to ask to enter my space.  Guess that's why I held onto him.... :)

#29 Guest__*

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Posted 26 November 2002 - 08:01 AM

This is gonna make me cry ...

I was so lucky, in so many ways.  Nearly everyone I've told about the rape (and that's lots of people now) was really good to me.  But here's a few of the toppers:

1. Paramedic at the scene: Do you want us to take you to Nyack (hospital) instead of Good Sam(aritan)?  They can do emergency contraception; Good Sam won't.

Something I never would have thought of at the time; grateful for that later, at the time just so grateful that he actually asked my opinion like I was still a real human being.  First sign that the stereotypes of how rape victims are treated might not be as bad as I feared.

2. My dad, later that day, referring to when he met me in the hospital: I was afraid you wouldn't want to hug me.

This broke my heart, and just proved to me that his heart was in the right place.

3.My boyfriend (dozens of times): No problem.  When my muscles froze up that first night and I needed a massage at 3:30 in the morning.  When I initiated and then stopped intimacy more than once in the next few weeks.  When I asked him always to call out 'it's me' when using his key to my apartment or walking into a room I was in.  And for still doing it 3 years later.

4.The Ramapo police department, for treating me with total respect.

5.The judge at the sentencing hearing (to the rapist): Maximum sentence.

6.My mother, afterwards: I'm so proud of you.

Yep, I'm crying. :)


#30 the last unicorn

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Posted 09 February 2003 - 04:08 AM

I just read this, and felt a need to reply...because everything I have heard is so beautiful.

A dear, dear friend of mine just reappeared in my life, and, she has a way of getting me to talk about things no one else would ever hear. She's 7 years older than me, and for most of my childhood she was my idol and my hero...she helped me survive. And she asked me to tell her exactly what happened, so I sent her an e-mail, while we were chatting on-line, because I couldn't even tell her on an IM, and she read it while I sat there, and then came back and said to me.

its ok...i know you are probably really scared..but you are incredible.
i can't believe you have been living with this all alone.....
If you were not strong, you would be dead.
so youare
so just admit it that you are strong
you survived a brutal and terrifying experience that
many women would not have.
You are my hero
for real

after so many years of idolizing this friend, and never being able to accept she cared, and then to have her say I was her hero, was the most beautiful thing anyone ever said to me.

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