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How about the top ten . . .

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Posted 04 July 2002 - 05:48 PM

My fiance has stood beside me from the very start. We have shared triumphs and tears together. I think the sweetest thing was when I realised just how much he cares about me and feels for me when my story made him cry. And, when I am my seven year old self, he tells me that he will protect me, that I am beautiful, that it wasn't my fault, that he is my angel, and that he and God love me. That means a lot to me, especially considering he is an atheist. :)

If you ever read this sweetie, thank you and I love you!

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Posted 05 July 2002 - 07:08 AM

This is a wonderful thread!
Unfortunately, I'm short on wonderful responses of the verbal sort, but when I told my sister (who I later learned had also suffered rape), she just reached out and held my hand...
And my husband...when I told him about the abuse I went through -- we were lying in bed in the dark and I was crying as I told him.  He held me and he petted my hair and he said, "It wasn't your fault."  I'm not sure anyone could have said anything more meaningful at that time -- I was certain, you know, that it WAS my fault...

Take care,

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Posted 05 July 2002 - 11:50 PM

the only thing that came to my mind is what my friend said to me last year when i was "cycling" through thoughts.  (you know, when your mind spins around the same thoughts over & over again and you feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel?)  anyway we went to coffee and was sitting there stuck in my head, staring at the table, when he said, "let's go to boosha.  it smells good."  boosha is a cute little shop filled with all sorts of knick knacks, candles, incense, journals, etc.  it totally helped me snap back into reality.

#4 Monika

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Posted 07 July 2002 - 03:33 PM

I've been having a difficult time being around a lot of people lately. Typically I'm social and love to make people laugh, but since the December rape and going forward with prosecuting I've found that my feeling states and reactions are completely unpredictable. Usually whenever we go to my in-laws for big bashes, I feel great as I socialize and entertain. But since December I've found that mostly I just want to run home and hide...feeling the ghost of *him* stuck to my side and I am the only one that knows. The change in me in those situations has been so  profound that people noticed and asked questions. Blaming it on a challenging work schedule felt like a betrayal of myself. After talking with my husband who does not want his parents to know at all, we agreed that I would tell my sister-in-law who would share it with his brother. My sister-in-law, who is going through some of her own stuff which I've been trying to support, was great. We exchange mutually supportive emails. July 4th was the first time I saw her and my bro-in-law since telling them. I felt really awkward. I was able to be more social than usual (albeit not myself) I think having someone know helped. At one point in the party my husband's brother came up and put his arm around my shoulders and said that his wife "gave me the blow by blow and I just wanted to give you a hug of support and say that I'm really glad you are in the family." I put my head on his shoulder for a moment and he offered a gentle squeeze before my husband's mother arrived and 'mum' was the word. But in that moment--when it was difficult to 'be normal' and I felt alone-- it felt really nice to be cared about and helped me not feel so terribly alone. It was touching to feel so welcome in that family. My husband's family has always been truly wonderful to me.

I actually am blessed to have a few wonderful moments... many which stem from Pandy's, actually:

Lou and Zoomy have done more wonderful things than I could ever recount...their support for me through this incredibly challenging time has been unwavering and filled with compassion. It is incredible to feel both understood and cared about after never having had that before...

As I recall Jes and Jackie made a long road trip up here to meet me just a couple of weeks after the rape. While I was migraine-infested and certainly not the hostess with the mostest, their compassion and reaching out meant more than they'll ever know.

Many of you on this board have offered me wonderful moments... The "people of pandy's" take the top spot... give yourselves a gentle hug...


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Posted 18 July 2002 - 06:30 AM

Yesterday i was talking with my best friend about stuff like EDs, SI and the like...he tends to be a mother hen and I feel belittled very often so this one thing he said meant the world to me:

"I can't and don't want to appreciate everything, but I do respect the things you do..."


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Posted 24 July 2002 - 03:33 PM

What a wonderful thread indeed.  You know, this is a horrible thing we've all gone thru and are going thru.  Still, I sit and read these threads and I ponder on the wonderful people I have in my life who show me gentle understanding, and I thank God because He sends "angels" to help us along.  We don't have to go thru this alone.

The following is a "copied and pasted" email I recently got from my very best friend and "big brother". Someone had just hurt me by saying something stupid and I wrote him. I had apoligized for always whining to him but he is beautiful and never turns me away.  I met him in a Christian chat room three years ago right after I was raped and he took me under his wings.  He's carried me thru many storms, from my depressions to self injury.  I know I couldn't have survived without him.  He is a precious gift from God! **********************************************************

Now, onto the email:

Sweetie, I am in no way frustrated with you, or tired of hearing about it, or any of that junk. The only frustration I feel is my inability  to do anything about it. You're so far away from me and all I can do is listen and chat and pray for you. I wish I could make it all go away for you. I wish I were close enough to protect you.
I see you in my mind as this little lamb standing on a hill, surrounded by snarling wolves, with their teeth bared, just looking for a chance to tear you to pieces. I see a storm raging all around you, with winds blowing the little cries you manage away before they leave your lips.I can see your legs trembling, and your eyes filled with tears...and then I see the form of a shepherd (Jesus) standing over you. With huge arms and shoulders, and blazing eyes glaring at the wolves and causing them to look away in fear. I see this staff of iron in his massive
scarred hands. And I am reminded that even if I were there with you 24 and 7, I could not hope to match the comfort He can give you. Nor the protection. Lisita, I cant begin to think I know how you feel. I can understand the feeling of being bullied, and humiliated. I have had to live with that. I have even suffered that at the hands of the opposite sex, but not to the extent that you have. I have been pushed around pretty much all of my life. And I can understand that feeling. And its hard not to hate. Not to wish them pain, not to visualize their payback.  I know it hurts Lis. Why are people like that, you know? Why hurt
someone just because you can? Cant they put themselves in our shoes, even just for a minute, and feel how much we hurt because of them? Dont they know that the damage is so very much deeper than what happened at that moment? That it tortures us, time and time again, over and over? That it has been there for years now, and even seems to be worse because of how deeply ingrained it is in us?  How can people be like that?  It will all come back to them one day.  I am going to be praying for you, beloved.
I speak healing to you, to your heart from mine. You will be okay, know that. Jesus loves you more than I ever could, and I would save you if it were in my power. How much more will your Father in heaven save you, knowing that you want him to? He is for you Lis, his word says so. And if he is for us, who can be against us?  

I'm sorry if this was really long.  I hope it brings someone hope.  
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((safe hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))


#7 Francesca

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Posted 13 December 2002 - 12:20 AM

My friend opened up her apartment to me so I could stay somewhere that my attacker didn't know about. And my boyfried jumped in his car as soon as he found out what happened and drove 12 hours to get back here to me. He held me for 4 days. He didn't sleep until I went to sleep and he was always awake when I woke up. He held me while I sobbed and rambled and he made himself stay there with me while I told him all the horrifying details. He was hurting but he was strong for me. And his dad jumped in his car and drove all the way to Ohio from Atlanta, GA. So those were the nice things.

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Posted 14 February 2003 - 08:39 PM

My second cousin (i think { my dads cousin}) is really great........i just thought of this and i had to post it.
 At the family reunion (that was so so so so not fun.....all of these people i didnt know saying look at how much you have grown since i saw you 13 years ago) when almost everyone went out on one of the 4 boats  and olny some of the really old people didnt go but i didnt go and Cathy didnt go cuze she was sleeping in the hammoc when they left (people in my family have a tendency to sleep alot) and because i just didnt want to go. When she woke up she saw me writing in my notebook ( i wanted to write a novel about a attic that held secrets of other times) on the swing in bettween the two trees and she came over and joined me which totally scared me cuze she kinda just sat down and i didnt notice her. I hadn't really taked to her since before the rape and we started up a conversation about what was going on and  she could tell i was avoiding some topic and she asked me if i was ok and i told her that i really wasnt and she asked me if i wanted to talk and i told her what happened. I started crying and i leaned over on her shoulder and she held me until i stopped....i asked her if we could change the subject ans we started talking about her wedding (which i missed cuze i was in NYC seing a play). When we saw the boats slowly coming back she gave me a hug and made sure i was ok. Ever since then she has e-mailed me almost every day just sending good thoughts and hugs....for christmas she got me lavender stuff...she is a amazing place to get support and has done so much for me.

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Posted 15 July 2003 - 07:12 PM

I did have some very positive responses, they were not all negative, gratefully, after I was raped.

The first positive response was from my boyfriend.  He let me know he knows it was not my fault and that he still loves me.  He didn't say that much, but he let me know he cared mainly by being around more, in case I needed him and by being there to escort me when I needed to go out somewhere to the store or somewhere,in the evening.

My landlord, although he didn't offer any kind of verbal support, let me out of my lease without any hassles when I felt the need to move after the rape incident.

In Rockford, where I sojourned for awhile, a counselor who is not trained specifically to deal with rape crisis, said, " You have been seriously violated, you've been through something traumatic.  Go easy on yourself," to let me know she understood the enormity of my experience.

My son said he is sorry someone hurt me and that I am too precious to be hurt by anyone.  He also started being around more,in case I needed him, and he would go places with me whenever possible, to keep me from having to go alone, even during the day.  When he sees I am depressed, he'll take me out to a movie or something.    

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Posted 25 July 2003 - 03:55 AM

Reading all of these posts has touched me so much that I am almost crying. I just wanted to add a few of my own:  In the early stages of my current relationship the subject of sex came about. I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to and I started to cry, then I told him all about being raped and his reply to me was : "Don't worry babe, I won't ask you to do something you don't want to. I will wait a million years for you if thats what it takes to be with you. I love you." The other one was quite recently and we were talking about sex again because there are things that I physically cannot do and I always worry that he will go and find some one who can satisfy him because I can't. I told him my fears on this and he said " I'm not in this relationship for sex babe. If we never ever have sex again I would not go with another woman. I don't even care if we never have sex again babe, I'm with you because I love you and you make me happy." I thought that was so sweet for him to say and it took a lot of pressure off me and the way I feel about sex. He has been the only person apart from my counsellor who knows everything that happened to me and he loves me despite all that I've been through.

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Posted 04 July 2002 - 03:38 PM

I added to the list of top worst things people have said,  and it was good to know I'm not the only one who runs into cretans.

But, and not because I'm a polyanna,. .  I like to remember the good things to. How about a list of what good things people have said.

My favorite was from this friend who has always been my 'safe' friend. No matter what, I've recognized that I'm safe with him. He knows it all, and went to some therapy with me when it was scary and I needed support.

Anyway, I was returning to my 14 year old self, scared and curling up, and he put his arms about me and said: "Stay with me, because [abuser] no longer has claim on you. I claim you."

He then went on to claim as much of me as he could, my creativity, my agressive side, my femine side. All while holding me close.

Any one else??

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Posted 04 July 2002 - 06:32 PM

This is a great thread!

In the days following my rape, I was questioning what kind of person I would be to have had this happen to me again.. and a friend's response was to drive me to a place that over-looks the ocean, and we stood there in awe at the view, watching the sunset.  It was such a nice moment.  And then he said 'see, you always see the beautiful things in life, no matter what you're going through.. and THAT's the kind of person you are.'  This sweet gesture helped me in so many ways, and it definitely reminded me of the good things in life, and of the compassion of others.


#13 linnea

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Posted 05 July 2002 - 07:30 AM

Mine is a therapy story and ends with something I say here...

My last round of therapy, I finally decided that I had to give EVERYTHING I remembered a voice and chose to tell my therapist what I knew about both the csa and the rapes.  It was also a time when I desparately wanted to cry, but there were no tears to be found anywhere - I just couldn't cry.

During most one particular session, I could not bring myself to look at his face, but at one point, certain that I would see disgust on his face, I looked up and his eyes were red and there were tears streaming down his face.

It almost took my breath away - this man, that I had grown to respect and valued his opinion, was breaking all the rules of emotionally neutral responses and he was crying for ME.  Here he was able to cry tears that I could not.

I made some comment about how easy it would be to interpret those tears as disgust towards me, but that I was jealous and grateful that he could do what I could not at the moment...

He replied, "what keeps you from offering to yourself the grace that you offer to others so easily."

#14 Maaike

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Posted 05 July 2002 - 02:09 PM

Well, i have a very good friend i guess she  is one  of my best friends. She knows a little that something happened when i was young, not about the men now. She is great, and she never rejects me, but i can't tell her everything, as i am afraid she will do.. I even know she won't...but it's hard. She's 7 years older than i am but we understand eachother always. When my ex drugged and laterr*ped me at April 6, i was in Amsterdam all night, waiting at a policestation as i was afraid outside, and i felt sad as they didn't let me report him, stupid police. So then i finally got a change to take a train at 7am, and i hadn't slept for a long time..
And i felt really bad, so i called her that early, and 7 am is early for her, as she always works late and sleeps till noon and we usually make jokes about it (when i call her at 3pm:'Did i wake u????lol)
Well now i called her, and she was the only person i could call, and i asked  her wether i could come to her  house before we would have dance-lessons (we are at the same musicalgroup together) And she was like'Sure u are always welcome', and she called a cab to pick me up from the trainstation, and that was very sweet.
So i arrived at her house, and she brought me to take a shower, as my bodytemperature was very low. I got out of the shower, she gave me some warm clothes of her, and got me alot of warm tea as i was still freezing. We sat on the couch together and she let me cry, and tell me about what happened that night. And she didn't hated me and even got angry at him!!
That day we had to be at our dancing class at 11am, and we drove there  together and i could hardly dance as i was too tired, so she just told the others i wasn't feeling too well as i had the flue, and i was very grateful, as i didn't had to explain..
She's i guess my best friend, i know she won't leave me, and she's so strong.. She's the first one in real life who did something like this to me..
Sorry this is so long, i just wanted to tell what a wonderful friend i have..

Hugs Maaike

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Posted 07 July 2002 - 11:30 AM

Recently, I was feeling extremely defeated.  I couldn't make myself feel happy, and I just felt extremely depressed.  My boyfriend had grabbed me by accident and I started to shake because I felt a little anxious.  I started to cry because I felt so defeated (it had been the first time in awhile I'd felt that way,) and I just murmured, "He won, didn't he; I can't be free of him.  He killed me inside."

My boyfriend thought about it for awhile, and then he said something along the lines of, "If you can still smile, can still laugh, he hasn't won.  If you can honestly say you love me and feel safe with me, he hasn't won.  I didn't fall in love with a ghost, I fell in love with you.  I told you in the beginning that nothing you do, nothing you are will scare me away.  We will get through this - he hasn't won.  You've made it this far alone and now you have me - and I'll never hurt you.  I love you so much."

That was pretty much exactly what he said, lol, 'cause I wrote it down afterwards...it was just so sweet.


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