1. I feel dirty, like there's something wrong with me.--sometimes
2. Sometimes I think I'm crazy.--sometimes
3. I feel ashamed.--always
4. I'm different from other people.--always
5. I feel powerless.--usually
6. If people really knew me, they'd leave.--usually
7. I want to die.--sometimes
8. I want to kill myself.--sometimes
9. I hate myself.--sometimes
10. I have a hard time taking care of myself.--rarely
11. I don't deserve to be happy.--rarely
12. I don't trust my intuition or my feeling.--rarely
13. I'm often confused.--usually
14. I don't know how to set goals or follow through on them.--rarely
15. I'm scared of success.--rarely
16. I'm a failure. I don't feel capable of doing a good job.--rarely
17. I use work to make up for empty feelings inside.--sometimes
18. I'm a perfectionist.--usually
19. I've made up a lot of stories about my life.--usually I don't tell stories b/c I don't get close.
20. I've done a lot of shoplifting.--Mostly just food b/c I'm poor
1. I don't think feelings are very important.--never
2. I usually don't know what I am feeling.--rarely
3. I can't tell one feeling from another.--rarely
4. I only experience one or two emotions.--never
5. I have a hard time expressing my feelings.--rarely; usually I just wish someone could listen forever
6. I have a hard time crying freely.--sometimes
7. I cry all the time.--rarely
8. I get uncomfortable when I feel to happy.--sometimes
9. I get nervous when things are relaxed and calm.--usually
10. I feel enraged a lot of the time.--sometimes (mostly when I don't work out)
11. I'm rarely angry. Angers scares me.--sometimes
12. I get depressed a lot.--sometimes (it's way better than a year ago).
13. I have a lot of nightmares.--rarely (thank God they have stopped)
14. I have panic attacks.--sometimes
15. If I really let myself go, my feelings would be out of control.--usually
16. I've been violent.--in the past I use to throw and kick things when no one was there...I guess that's kind of violent. Or more violent for me at least.
17. I haven't been violent yet, but I am worried I might be.--I worry about being violent in the future a little, but I think if I take care of myself I won't be.
1. I'm not "in my body" alot of the time.--it's more my body when I work out
2. I frequently space out.--sometimes
3. My body often feels numb.--sometimes
4. I feel as if my body is seperate from the rest of me.--this is getting a lot better, but I need to go back to the gym. Finals really took me out of my routine.
5. I don't pay much attention to my body's signals (hunger, tiredness, pain).--rarely
6. I think my body is ugly.--I mostly like it. I think most bodies are beautiful.
7. I hide my body.--rarely
8. I'm dyslexic. I had learning disabilities when I was growing up.--always. But was just assaulted recently. Does anyone know more about the connection between these two things? I looked this up and it says dyslexia can be related to childhood trauma. I hope I haven't forgotten anything.
9. I use drugs and alcohol more than I should.--never.
10. I often eat compulsively.--rarely
11. I keep myself from eating, or eat and throw up.--never
12. I hurt myself on purpose (cut, burn, injure myself).--never
13. I have illnesses I think are related to my abuse.--?
14. I've worked out to make my body strong so I wouldn't feel like a victim.--always
15. I've had flashbacks of the abuse during surgery or other medical procedures.--always
16. I'm scared to go to the dentist. I hate the feeling of things in my mouth.--always...(still need to try going back to the dentist :/)
17. (for women) I'm scared to go to the gynecologist--always, but I go.
1. I often feel alienated from other people, as if I'm from another planet.--usually...I don't really like new people...and stopped talking to most of my old friends.
2. Most of my relationships don't work.--the romantic ones do...I have a harder time with friends...guess I need a lot of closeness before I can trust.
3. I don't have many friends.--usually...I used to be an extravert and now I'm an intravert
4. I'm ok with my friends, but I just can't work things out with a lover.--never
5. I think I am meant to be alone.--never
6. I'm not sure I deserve to be loved.--never!
7. I don't know what love is.--never! ( I have a great partner)
8. I find it hard to trust people.--usually...especially new people
9. I think people are going to leave me.--usually
10. I test people alot.--always
11. It's hard for me to be nurtured or to nurture someone else.--sometimes
12. I'm clingy with people I am close to. I'm afraid to be alone.--always
13. I'm scared of making commitment. When people get to close, I panic.--with friends yes
14. I have a hard time saying no.--rarely (sex is a little different)
15. People take advantage of me in relationships.--rarely
16. I get involved with people who are inappropriate or inaccessible.--rarely
17. I've had relationships with people who remind me of my abuser.--never
18. I'm struggling alot with my partner.--rarely (the last few months of couples therapy have helped a lot...I recommend this for even just a short time for anyone struggling with a partner.)
19. Sometimes I think my partner is my abuser.--rarely
20. Sexual abuse is really causing a problem in my relationship.--rarely
1. I avoid sex. Deep down, I wish I never had to deal with sex again.--sometimes
2. I am celibate. I haven't sex in years.--never
3. I really think sex is disgusting.--rarely
4. I don't feel sexual desire. I think there is basically something wrong with it.--never
5. Sex isn't pleasureable for me. I usually have sex to make the other person happy.--sometimes (sometimes, I try to see it will make me happy, I feel guilty about this, anyone else?)
6. I try to use sex to meet most of my needs.--kind of. I test sex out again to see if I really like. Sometimes I don't think I should be allowed to like sex. Or that liking sex too much before this is how I ended up being assulted. Sex is confusing right now. (plan on writing other post in more detail.)
7. It really feels like I am "over-sexed".--usually
8. Sex and aggression are really connected for me.--this is complicated. I was exploring more aggressive kinds of sex before my assault. This question feels very complicated to me.
9. I find it hard to be close in nonsexual ways. It just isn't satisfying.--sometimes...but this is really changing.
10. I frequently go after sex I really don't want.--never
11. Sex is the thing I am best at.--rarely...but I don't think I'm bad at sex...um just a little confused. I want to feel in more control of my sexuality.
12. I've sold myself for sex.--never
13. I've had sex with people who don't respect me.--never
14. I need to control everything about sex.--not sure????
15. I have a hard time staying present when I make love. I'm numb alot during lovemakeing.--sometimes
16. When I am sexual, I have terrifying, scary feeling I don't understand.--sometimes (I think it's guilt)
17. I often have flashbacks of my abuse while making love.--rarely now
18. I get sexually aroused when I read or talk about sexual abuse.--sometiems
19. Violent, sadistic fantasies turn me on.--I'm interested in BDSM, but I don't consider that violent.
20. I'm ashamed of my sexuality.--um more like I feel guilty about my sexuality. I think this is a little different. ? ? ?
21. I've sexually abused others.--never
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
1. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around children.--never
2. I have a hard time being affectionate with kids.--never
3. I have a hard time setting boundaries with kids.--never
4. I have a hard time balancing children's needs with my own.--never
5. (for parents) I feel inadequate as a parent.--N/A
6. I have trouble protecting children I take care.--never
7. I tend to be overprotective.--sometimes
8. I've successfully protected children.--always
9. I'm scared I'll be abusive.--rarely
10. I have abused children.--never
11. My kids have been abused (by someone else).--N/A
MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN
1. I have strained relationships with my family.--sometimes.
2. Members of my family have rejected me (or vice versa).--sometimes they just ignore what I'm going through.
3. I have a hard time setting limits with my family.--rarely...I wish they would cross a few more boundaries it might do them some good.
4. People in my family invalidate my feelings and experiences.--usually I don't tell them a lot b/c they are distant.
5. I feel crazy when I am around my family.--sometimes
6. I can't be honest with the people in my family.--usually
7. My abuse is still a secret in my family.--um...we don't really talk about it...so basically yea. But they do drive me to therapy every week so they must know that stuffs going on.
8. I'm still waiting for the people in my family to come around and support me.--sometimes
If many of the statements on this list were familiar to you, you may feel overwhelmed right now. Put the purpose of this assessment is not to overwhelm you; it's to show you that there's a reason why you experience the things you do. It's to point out the areas that need healing. It is possible to dramatically alter your life so that your answers two years from now will bear little resemblance to your answers today.
1. When I look over my responses, I realize I have learned a lot in the last year and half. I feel more at home in my body now. I think in the long run my assault has made me more aware of my body...this has mostly turned out to be a good thing. I also feel I'm am very confused about sex still and am begging to wonder how helpful my therapy has been in clarifying this confusion. I feel worse about my sexuality now than I did in the months right after my assault. I really need a lot more clarification about this part of me. I want it to feel like a celebration again. But wanting to celebrate my sexuality feels criminal. (my therapist says I'm too explicit about sex, this doesn't help.) Hope I can figure this out soon. I miss my sexuality
2. I've been most strongly affected in the areas of....sexuality...and Friendship
3. I was least affected in the areas of...Parenting/Kids
4. The hardest statements for me to acknowledge were...things about my sexuality. I still need to clarify this part of myself.
5. I feel the most hopeful about making changes in...maybe most determined to make changes about my sexuality. I used to love sex, and feel really good about it (I think sex can be artistic.) but now I feel confused and guilt. This is very linked to my own self blame.
6. I already made major strides in the following areas...My body and my self esteem.
7. I feel the most hopeless about changing...my relationships with friends and new people. I really am scared of trusting. I feel like I can't have friends because they won't accept or understand how much of my life my recovery takes up. If people want to know what I have been up to lately I just give some stock answers, but the truth is recovery.
8. I was surprised by... that I was this candid here. And that I am posting this at all.
9. I learned...this is a good website...and that my sexuality is a really pressing issues at the moment.