Triggers - lots of them
I blocked my CSA from my memory for over 20 years, only vaguely recalling that something happened whenever I was stumped by my own behaviour. When it did come back it was far to late to consider doing anything about it, combined with my memory being full of gaps and no ability whatsoever to figure out how old I was in any of my memories. In my memory, my life starts when I was 9 with odd flashbacks to another movie. My older brother was one of the abusers and my mother refuses to entertain any notion that I know what I'm talking about. I suspect that he abused one of my nieces... someone sure did. And the only thing I could do was to start talking about my abuse loudly so he'd get scared. I think it worked.
When I was 16 my boyfriend raped me at a party. We were both on acid. He asked a guy outside of the room for a knife but the guy said no. Potentially that makes him a witness. My boyfriends best friend. Not good for me. Also not good for me that about 10 people saw me making out with him earlier and saw me walk into the room with him. On my side would be that I had a scab running the length of my spine for a week or two after that night until it peeled off. As I said, I was on acid. Where's my case?
When I was 33 I went to a friend's house for dinner and "civilised conversation" as I had requested for the evening plans. Expected to leave early in the evening. His house. No witnesses. I had two martinis which I figure later were either triples or contained a drug. Woke up tied to his bed. Miraculously got away with it just being assault and not rape. This one is one I wanted to report. My boyfriend (on and off) who lived with the guy asked me to drop it. Told me I should have known better. History: I had engaged in a threesome with the both of them many months earlier. My boyfriend, if pressed, would have testified against me.
When I was 34 I suffered a back injury and was an invalid for about a month. I used a bar stool to get around my house as I couldn't walk. My employer, whom I had been dating and was breaking up with, brought my cheque to the house for me. I was making coffee. When my back spasmed I leaned over the stool. He raped me from behind... but was kind enough to pull my pants up again when he was done. I almost pressed charges until it became evident that he would tell them I had not done my job properly and he had brought me my last cheque. Claiming the rape charges were backlash for being fired. So I'd also lose the $2000 they still owed me... and he's the type to sue for slander if I lost the case.
Guilt? I never had a chance at winning. None of them.
I did however, find a way to get the last asshole fired and cost him $18 000. Better than nothing.
I have a lot of admiration for the women that put themselves at such risk to see justice done. I wish justice was done more often. You all deserve better.
This post has been edited by ursula: 27 November 2007 - 01:35 AM