First time.... well, I acutally had never thought until very recently that there was anything horribly wrong with what he did, and I'm still not sure. When my mother found out, she told us to stop doing it, but she didn't say it was wrong or report it to anyone. She was always yelling and overracting, so I always figured it was just one of those things. No one at school believed what I told them about other forms of abuse, and when they asked my parents about that, I got beaten, so I figured I'd better keep Dad's secret like he said.
Second time around, I thought he had the right because he was still techincally my husband, even if he was dating other people, and he was supporting me. We were divorcing, and I knew he was lonely, and he knew I was lonely.... so he said we were just helping each other out. One time toward the end when I confronted him about it and we had a loud argument, the nieghbors called the cops. I went to the door when they asked to see me after talking to my husband, and I choked back my tears and told them I was fine and there was nothing going on. I had no bruises or anything, so they left. I was afraid they'd take me to jail and then to the mental ward. I knew my husband would never let me back in again, and I'd lose my home, my dog, my stuff, and be on the street. So, I lied to the cops.
I told a visiting friend soon after that, and she freaked out on me, saying it was too heavy and she couldn't deal with talking about it. She suggested I talk to a counselor, like I was some kind of weirdo with big problems. I had no money of my own, so I called the the local women's shelter for help soon after that. I told them what happened, but they said it didn't sound like abuse or rape, it wasn't severe enough. They said they had a lot of women waiting for shelter and counseling who were really being battered and most of them had children, so they couldn't possibly help a single person like me, they didn't have enough funding or beds. I asked for sliding scale counseling references, and they said it sounded like my husband had insurance that would pay, I should just do that. Also, the lowest rate was 20 bucks, and I didn't have a cent. They hung up, exasperated with me for taking up so much of their time. I had talked to both the hotline volunteer and her supervisor, who was supposed to be a certified counselor.
A couple years later, I was still trying to afford an official divorce but had moved next door. I went to a new Dr. and he questioned why I had gotten my tubes tied (which I'd had done around the time of the assualts), and why I thought I wanted a divorce. I briefly told him that we didn't get along, and he had been raping me regularly for a long time and I didn't want to get pregnant. He told me, very partronizingly, that if I could stand living next door to my husband, I should consider not throwing my marriage away, because it was a very sacred thing under God and was healthy for me. I endured his examination, including the pap smear he was working on as he was telling me this, and never went back.
Actually, the Dr that did do the tubal for me only did it because I told him I was (currently) being raped by my husband and had already been coerced into getting an abortion twice (once at a clinic, once on my own with herbs at home because I was too poor) because he was going to throw me out if I stayed pregnant. This Gyn was Catholic, so he did the tubal to prevent me from sinning again, but told me he would not make it the permanent type, because he was afraid someday I would meet a nice man and want to have children, and would be really sorry I'd done that and sue him.
Many years later, I participated in a university grad student's project as a research subject. When asked about the experience, I told her the story, but said I didn't think it was really rape, and was still very good friends with my ex-husband. Not sure what she made of that, it was just a question session.
Third time around, I did report it to my company after the first year, but they refused to file an official report for me, saying it was no big deal. Two female coworkers had quit/left on medical leave due to the same issues, so I had came forward to HR. Nobody at work beleived me, and over the years, I went all the way up to the President. She said he was just being flirty and she couldn't do anyting to stop that, it was just in a guy's nature. She said sometimes you just have to move on, for your career advancement. Again, they refused to file any reports, but they freely discussed my mental problems amongst management and cowrokers.
Then, after 6 years and another employee quitting over it, I called the Bereau of Labor. They said it didn't seem like a big deal, and they could only take on large cases with many reporters. I told them it was a lot of women, but they said the company was too small and suggested I get a private lawyer and try a class action suit. They said I'd need a lot of witnesses and a great paper trail to even begin to get anything done, so I should probably just get another job. They refused to file a report, saying it was useless and a waste of thier time, but they gave me an online file download link if I wanted to do it anyway. I never did.
In desperation, I told my mother, and she was extremely angry with me for jeopardizing my job for such a silly, trivial thing. She said I was too stupid to get another job. She told me she would just kick him and move on, and it was my fault it was happening and I was taking it so hard.
I paid for my own counseling (with some insurance) when I got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed to go to work and face him one morning. She disclosed at the begining that she would not get involved with a court case, and I was beyond believing that would help, so I said fine. She was able to help me, but I still never filed that report anywhere. Eventually, he was fired for other reasons. I was also fired soon after that, since they could then do it safely without me bringing up the harrassment issues, him being gone. They said it was for taking too much time off when my mom was ill and dying. They even put a woman in my position, to make it seem like they were indeed proactively fair to females.
So, why didn't I report any of it? Because I'm still not sure it ever really happened the way I felt it did, and no one cares. As far as most people I talked to over the years, I was compensated for my troubles with a roof over my head and food on my table, so what's the big deal?
Edited by Kaya42, 07 October 2014 - 08:52 PM.