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When asked:  Why didn't you fight harder

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#46 Guest__*

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Posted 12 June 2003 - 08:04 AM

i loved what rainbowsedge and crystal had to say.
"NO" means "NO"!!!!!
you said "NO"! that was enough of a fight in it's self.
after you said "NO" twice, he took and stole and hurt you and did with you what he did. it wasn't your fault. don't let ANYONE put thoughts of doubt of yourself in your mind- including grandma.
you said "NO"!
you said "NO"!
that's what you meant.
hugs and love to you- girl.

#47 Guest__*

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Posted 22 July 2003 - 09:43 PM

Wow.  I wish I had read through all of these messages before I screwed up a few days ago and told my girlfriend that I wished she had been able to fight harder.  I was just trying to say that I wished it hadn't happened, that I wished she had been able to get away... I didn't mean to blame her AT ALL and had NO IDEA she would hear it that way.  

I just wanted to say that maybe SOME of the people who say things like that really aren't just being jerks, they are just like me and didn't understand how it would be heard.


#48 Crystal

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Posted 18 June 2002 - 01:37 PM

**rant on**

This question really bothers me.  In my opinion, if you aren't a survivor, then you really don't have any right to ask this question of someone who is.  I'm sorry, but it's how I feel.  I know that every situation is different and every person's response is different, but I have to believe that on some basic level some sort of self-preservation instinct took over and we did what was best for us in order to survive both in mind and body.  Does it help to take that question and turn it around a little bit?   What if you did try to fight and failed?  What would the consequences have been?  Would it have made it worse for you? harder? more violent?  Perhaps that little self-preservation instinct went through that scenerio, and decided it was too great of a chance to risk.

**rant off**

Sometimes I think that the only answer to that question for someone who hasn't been in your shoes is, "I did the best that I could for me at the time."  End of conversation.  The only person who has any right to ask the question of you is you if you want to.  And FEAR is a perfectly acceptable answer.  And you shouldn't have to be ashamed or feel guilty for being afraid.  

Well, this is just my silly little opinion on the topic.  If it offended anybody, I'm sorry.  I hadn't intended it that way.  It just strikes a raw nerve somewhere inside of me.

#49 Guest__*

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 02:58 PM

:(  sorry guys, this may be very *T*, i got a little angry and confused here...

this question plagues me every day. my boyfriend asks me that constantly, and tells me all the little things i could've done to prevent it from happening at all. the thing is, he's right about a lot of them. maybe i SHOULD be able to go out alone at night but this is the very reason i CAN'T. and now i've learned that firsthand, when i should've just known better. my pride and my strength and my self-awareness are the very things that got me in trouble, b/c i thought i could handle a situation that i obviously couldn't, and those scumbags took me as a special little challenge, because they thought i needed to be put in my place and it pisses me off b/c that's what they did... i no longer go out alone at night. ever. b/c i'm scared, and i was scared that night too. sometimes, i am so with all of you and absolutely believe that that is a perfectly valid answer... but then i get so mad at myself, b/c when i started to feel uncomfortable in the situation i stuck around... of course, hindsight is always 20/20 and my answer is often this - "well, if i had known in advance what was going to happen, i would'nt even have gone there that night. but i didn't, and i had to evaluate and process every second as it happened, and at no point did i think to myself: i'm about to be raped, i gotta get outta here." was i naive? i believe so, yes. but these guys knew exactly what they were doing, and trapped me early. i ended up doing things i wouldn't have ever done EVER, except i found myself high and scared and completely not in control of the situation. this is barely satisfactory to me, and i am working on accepting fear as a valid reason to do or not do things...
the next question is often "what were you afraid of? they didn't have a gun to your head!" well,no, they didn't, but i didn't know if they had one and i didn't want to find out.

anyway this got very rambly and triggery and i'm sorry for that... i didn't mean to... i just struggle with this very question every single day, it hits me hard and i have to constantly defend myself on it. i just have to try to remember that no one who hasn't experienced this is capable of true understanding. it just sucks that those people don't even understand THAT... it's incomprehensible to them that this doesn't fit into any frame of reference that they have...

rambling again! anyway i hope that we all find some comfort in at least one thing every day. yesterday i saw the most magnificent rainbow, took up the whole sky, and seriously i almost bust out crying when i saw it, if i was alone i def would have. lets me know there are good, beautiful things out there, and that i am one of them... and so are all of you!!!!!

take care,

#50 Guest__*

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Posted 20 June 2002 - 12:31 PM

i'm just boosting this b/c after i posted yesterday my mood went down down down and by the time i went to bed i found it difficult to even breathe and nothing i thought of could make me feel better.
am i alone in this way of thinking?:
my rapists were wrong ultimately, and it is ABSURD that when a girl says 'no' a guy thinks it's ok to continue until she's fighting violently for her life, esp. when you consider what we have all verified - when in fear, you don't know how you will react, and you distance yourself from the situation, and sometimes just going with it for fear of the consequences is what happens. not many people understand this. what's so fucking difficult for a guy to just STOP when a girl says 'no'???? we are all just supposed to assume that they won't stop? and get physically violent if we want our intentions to be 'clear', b/c that is the only way they will understand the very simple word "NO"??? it's so fucking absurd. and it's all about respect, and the lack thereof. all of this, i know you all agree with me on.

however, i do feel that there were things i could've done to prevent the situation! and if i can't admit that, then how can i learn from it, and possibly prevent it from happening in the future? i KNOW it is ridiculous that a guy can't understand that No actually means No, and not Maybe, or I'm Just Kidding, or I Don't Want to Appear Slutty So Just Keep Trying Because I Really Want You, or Yes, Yes, Please Yes!  but, when i find myself in a situation where there is no reason for the guy(s) i am hanging with to give a shit about me and i start to feel the least bit uncomfortable, I SHOULD LEAVE! but i didn't. i didn't want them to know i was afraid in the least, and acted like nothing was wrong, and stuck around assuming i could handle whatever came my way. well that's naive and dangerous thinking and i don't want to learn the hard way that most guys don't think it's so absurd to keep going when a girl says 'no'! i KNEW that! the world is NOT the way it should be! why didn't i listen to my instincts?? i mean, what made me think they would REALLY respect my request to just leave me alone?  i made that mistake, and now i am paying for it.

i know this is harsh, but i feel that although the ultimate blame absolutely goes to the sick bastards who violate women because they can, but if i don't take some of the responsibility for putting myself in a dangerous situation, then it is bound to happen again. i should have risked looking stupid and weak and scared and in over my head, and gotten my ass out of that hotel room. i should have fought harder before anything even happened, i should have fought before i lost complete control of the situation by running out the #### door. my worst nightmare came true b/c i was scared and my pride got in the way. and now look at my pride! dammit i have to search for some. and although it's getting better i should have been stronger than that and just walked the fuck out, even though it sucks that i felt threatened in the first place and that walking out of that room was even necessary. well, it was. and i didn't do it. but in the future i will obviously be much more on guard and acutely aware of my instincts.

i know i don't have complete control over what happens and that sometimes things happen that i can not prevent at all, and i also know that i can't live my life in constant fear, constantly trying to prevent things that may never happen. i can only have my wits about me and evaluate situations the best i can, and i have to say, that night i did not pay close enough attention to my instincts and i thought i could handle anything, and i was proved wrong about that.

my darlings i'm so sorry,i know this is triggery and i'm feeling bad about things ... but this is something i don't WANT to give up the responsibility for. if i do that, that's letting caution go to the wind and making myself more vulnerable. what happened after i made that misjudgement was NOT my fault, but it could have been prevented, knowing that the world is the way it is.

i'm sorry if i've offended anyone, it's not my intention, and i hope ihaven't made anyone feel bad. actually, if anyone has made it this far thru my post i thank you sincerely. just venting i guess.

#51 Guest_crucify_*

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Posted 02 November 2002 - 07:28 AM

I think its just a plain unfair question to ask, you dont know how the r*pist is going to react, fighting back may discourage and scare away a lot but would not work for others.

i wish i hadn't fought back.  i believe it was a lot more violent and humiliating becuase i fought back and i thought he was going to stop until i started then he got more violent, i donnoi  dont think anyone has the right to ask that though


#52 Francesca

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Posted 18 December 2002 - 01:27 AM

**T** anger and language

Well, when I was little it was bc....I was little. And my innocent child's heart wanted so desperately to trust and to be loved. Why would I fight someone who wanted to 'love' me? Yes, it sounds twisted, but in the mind of a child...

And as for the later incidents, I DID fight. I screamed and tried to get away and you know what? Nobody came to my rescue and the men made it hurt so much more. And get this, it turned them on that I resisted. They made it last longer because of it. And I'm still fighting them. Every second of every day I fight to get out of bed, to be a good mom, to be a good girlfriend, daughter, woman, person! I fight for my sanity every fucking day. I dare anyone to question me or my motives. The day I stop fighting is the day those assholes win and my life crumbles. Not happening. Not if I have anything to say about it.

#53 Guest__*

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Posted 23 February 2003 - 04:30 PM

I have been asked this a billion times - I woudl have liked to have seem a bit more struggle, why didn't you do something etc..  I have no answer - if there was an answer I would have done it and I wouldnt be here I guess.  I like what someone said before on this thread - have you been raped? no? then fuck off.

#54 Guest__*

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Posted 22 July 2003 - 03:33 AM

Why didn't I fight at all? I mean I never even tried to fight. I just let it happen. They came they saw and they raped me and all I did/do was/is obey and let it happen. Two times by dates, two times by my husband.......why didn't I fight at all? Because I don't know how to stand up for myself.....I just don't know how to do that.


#55 sweetness

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Posted 25 October 2003 - 02:18 PM

i've never been asked this, touch wood, but i think i might say something like:

"because i was drugged up to the eyeballs, and i could hardly think, let alone control my arms and legs!"

but i don't think NE1, has the right to ask this question.

#56 Leila

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Posted 26 October 2003 - 11:31 PM

boost for a friend

#57 Guest_TraurigRitter_*

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Posted 27 October 2003 - 02:55 AM

I think that whatever you did, whether you fought, whether you said no, whether you did nothing at all, does not matter.  Because in that moment, at that point, whatever you did was whatever you could do at that moment.  You did what you could, and thats the hardest one can fight.  And its a fight you have won, because you are alive now, and you are surviving.  

But yeah, I agree, asking why a person didn't fight, or why a person didn't fight harder is not right.  Does a person ask a parent why they didn't swim faster to save a drowning child?  Or why a athelete doesn't run faster to win the race?  Whatever happens, and whatever they did, it was what they could do.

Take care,

#58 Guest__*

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Posted 18 January 2004 - 09:54 AM

I am new to this forum and saw that this is an old topic...but a good one.  I have an answer that I believe may help some of you or that you will relate to.

I was a victim of rape...a few times....none of which I believe I fought with all that I had...even though always told myself I would.

Ask most women who have experienced something similar and most will tell you that they believe that they could have fought harder or screamed louder.

I believe that in all of us there is a natural survival instinct.  This instinct is what I believe kicks in we when we feel defeated, when we feel that if we try to fight, it could be a mistake.  When we know we are not in control.  A feeling that if someone can presue such inhuman acts of violence upon us, what is there to reassure us that they will not harm us furthur?  Subconsiously; What will make this the quickest and least painless experience that this moment allows?

Because we are unaware of this instinct ...maybe this is what leaves us to feel and believe we are at fault.

Even if this theory is not true...sure  as hell makes sense to me.  Hope it does for some of you.

#59 Guest_cocoonshadow_*

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Posted 19 January 2004 - 12:18 AM

I didn't fight because I was scared, and because I was in shock.  I loved this man...why was he doing this?  I don't think I could have fought even if I had thought of it, which I don't remember doing.

Also, my rape was very non-attack-like.  It's hard to explain but the whole thing was very quiet and not physically harmful at all.  So my whole "fight or flight" instinct never really kicked in.

I was just paralyzed.

However I also agree with everyone else who replied (the ones I read, there've been a lot of replies) that you have no responsibility to respond to this type of criticism.  You did what you did and why you did it doesn't matter, because as someone else said, you're alive and physically healthy today as far as I know.

#60 Guest_SweetSangria_*

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Posted 19 January 2004 - 04:33 AM

i'll tell you why. he was 35 and i was 13 and he was twice my freaken size and strength and PINNED ME DOWN!!!! for a start. oh and there was the whole being tied up thing for the 3rd one  and being in enormous physical pain almost in fact,definetly not being able to move... grrrrrrrr f*ck people who are so stupid and insensitive as to need to ask thes e things of us. it's like  retraumatizing us almost all over again.  
the world is full of morons and we dont need to encounter anymore of them.


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