i'm just boosting this b/c after i posted yesterday my mood went down down down and by the time i went to bed i found it difficult to even breathe and nothing i thought of could make me feel better.
am i alone in this way of thinking?:
my rapists were wrong ultimately, and it is ABSURD that when a girl says 'no' a guy thinks it's ok to continue until she's fighting violently for her life, esp. when you consider what we have all verified - when in fear, you don't know how you will react, and you distance yourself from the situation, and sometimes just going with it for fear of the consequences is what happens. not many people understand this. what's so fucking difficult for a guy to just STOP when a girl says 'no'???? we are all just supposed to assume that they won't stop? and get physically violent if we want our intentions to be 'clear', b/c that is the only way they will understand the very simple word "NO"??? it's so fucking absurd. and it's all about respect, and the lack thereof. all of this, i know you all agree with me on.
however, i do feel that there were things i could've done to prevent the situation! and if i can't admit that, then how can i learn from it, and possibly prevent it from happening in the future? i KNOW it is ridiculous that a guy can't understand that No actually means No, and not Maybe, or I'm Just Kidding, or I Don't Want to Appear Slutty So Just Keep Trying Because I Really Want You, or Yes, Yes, Please Yes! but, when i find myself in a situation where there is no reason for the guy(s) i am hanging with to give a shit about me and i start to feel the least bit uncomfortable, I SHOULD LEAVE! but i didn't. i didn't want them to know i was afraid in the least, and acted like nothing was wrong, and stuck around assuming i could handle whatever came my way. well that's naive and dangerous thinking and i don't want to learn the hard way that most guys don't think it's so absurd to keep going when a girl says 'no'! i KNEW that! the world is NOT the way it should be! why didn't i listen to my instincts?? i mean, what made me think they would REALLY respect my request to just leave me alone? i made that mistake, and now i am paying for it.
i know this is harsh, but i feel that although the ultimate blame absolutely goes to the sick bastards who violate women because they can, but if i don't take some of the responsibility for putting myself in a dangerous situation, then it is bound to happen again. i should have risked looking stupid and weak and scared and in over my head, and gotten my ass out of that hotel room. i should have fought harder before anything even happened, i should have fought before i lost complete control of the situation by running out the #### door. my worst nightmare came true b/c i was scared and my pride got in the way. and now look at my pride! dammit i have to search for some. and although it's getting better i should have been stronger than that and just walked the fuck out, even though it sucks that i felt threatened in the first place and that walking out of that room was even necessary. well, it was. and i didn't do it. but in the future i will obviously be much more on guard and acutely aware of my instincts.
i know i don't have complete control over what happens and that sometimes things happen that i can not prevent at all, and i also know that i can't live my life in constant fear, constantly trying to prevent things that may never happen. i can only have my wits about me and evaluate situations the best i can, and i have to say, that night i did not pay close enough attention to my instincts and i thought i could handle anything, and i was proved wrong about that.
my darlings i'm so sorry,i know this is triggery and i'm feeling bad about things ... but this is something i don't WANT to give up the responsibility for. if i do that, that's letting caution go to the wind and making myself more vulnerable. what happened after i made that misjudgement was NOT my fault, but it could have been prevented, knowing that the world is the way it is.
i'm sorry if i've offended anyone, it's not my intention, and i hope ihaven't made anyone feel bad. actually, if anyone has made it this far thru my post i thank you sincerely. just venting i guess.