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When asked:  Why didn't you fight harder


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#31 Guest__*

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Posted 20 January 2003 - 12:20 AM

"Why didn't I fight harder?"

The question for me stands why didnt you fight?

I didnt know what was going on, it was my first. I  knew that it wasnt right, though. I should have atleast pulled away...i didnt. I was gone, disappeared from that moment on.

I wish i was who i am now reversed to who i was then, i do. Sadly one cant go back..


#32 Guest_she breathes_*

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Posted 26 June 2003 - 01:15 AM

i say: because i was scared.
and that's really all there is to it for me.

#33 Guest__*

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Posted 27 July 2003 - 11:14 PM

i think trying2help is right, that sometimes people say this and they don't realize how terrible it sounds in ears of someone that has been attacked. i have many friends that responded in negative ways, but i am still friends with them because i know that they tried the best they could with a difficult situation.


as for me when i first was asked that i didn't know how to respond because i was wondering why i didn't fight harder as well.

but now that some time has past since it happened i now know that i faught so hard, i faught incredibly hard. i was up against a man with a motive and plan, a man that was 100 lbs heavier then i, a man that would stop at nothing. saying "no" did not matter (i was actually singing no). i could have punched or tried to bite, but i really don't know where that would have taken me.

i faught hard that night. and i fight hard every day since the attack. i fight for myself. its a constant battle of trying to stay positive and find comfort from inside.


#34 Guest__*

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Posted 18 June 2002 - 12:34 PM

(((((April))))))

This has to be the number one ass-kicker question of all survivors.

No matter how hard we try to blame ourselves for the things that were done to us, there is always an answer to this question, and everybody has their own reasons.

I know why I didn't fight.

I felt like it was my fault.

It was because my father took my power from me.

I was very afraid

I did not fight because he showed me I was worthless, and
that I did not matter.

I was silenced way before I was ever raped. I had no voice growing up.

I was sooo ashamed.

I still have a hard time sometimes, trying not to put the blame on me, and it is a very large hurdle to get over, but in reality I know this was not my fault.

Liadan



#35 Monika

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 07:32 AM

Honey, I haven't read all the other wonderful responses yet, but I have to give you my gut reaction on your behalf. Thinking that someone asked you "why didn't you fight harder" makes my gut respond with a hefty "F*CK YOU!" People don't know what they are talking about when it comes to this issue. I think many people desperately want to believe that it can't happen to them and if they can find something to say which goes like this "well I would have done X differently so it couldn't have happened to me." That is merely an illusion of safety. And it's one that detracts from the support and empathy you need and deserve right now. Had you fought you could have gotten hurt much worse. You followed your instincts to get out of that situation with the least damage possible--GOOD FOR YOU! That is what you are supposed to do! This may sound trite, but sweetheart, remember that people can't know what they don't know. If they have no frame of reference and are too clouded by their own fear and prejudices, they will not be able to give you what you need...but that does not mean that your needs or experiences aren't valid. It just means that you need to look elsewhere... like here ;)

I believe in you.

Take gentle care,
Rain


#36 Guest_raqueli_*

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 08:28 AM

(((April)))

I also feel the need to rant a little bit.  Fuck you does seem the most therapeutic and appropriate response.

I agree that people want to find some reason to blame you, so that they feel that there's something they could do (fight "better," as if they have ANY idea what they'd do in the situation) to prevent themselves being raped.  But it's bullshit.  By questioning your judgement, your decisions in a situation where YOU were being victimized, they are wounding you again.  You shouldn't have had to make any decisions, you shouldn't have had to fight at all, because the rapist shouldn't have BEEN THERE.  

And why ask YOU questions about your behaviour?  Why not ask the rapist why, instead of sitting at home watching Bambi, he decided to go and rape someone???  

OK, enough ranting.  But don't feel that you need to explain yourself or defend your actions to anyone.  I've never had exactly that question, but I've had other questions that sort of made me feel defensive, and one decent answer is: "what difference does it make?"  Basically, turn it around and ask them why they care about that detail of your nightmare.


#37 Cherry Blossom

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 10:21 AM

Why didn't you fight harder...

I've only had it asked of me once by a very stupid ex-friend.  At first I couldn't believe that she said it so it took me a while to respond, but when I eventually did I said something like:

"Am I alive, right now, talking to you, coherantly and in good health?"

"Yes."

"Then I accomplished my main goal at the time.  And I don't have to explain my actions any furthur to anybody."

I did add a nice F*CK YOU afterwards but in my head because I'm polite that way.  Plus impressionable young children were near by.  

(((((((April))))))))  You are accountable to NO ONE but yourself for your actions in suc a situation.  Everyone else can just shove their half-assed opinions where the sun don't shine.

Take care of yourself,
Cherry



#38 Guest__*

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 04:14 PM

((((April)))

Your right i think the fear silences us, i know with my "R"ist he was tripe the strength of me i tried MY BEST as i am sure you did

Take care
Carolyn

Good luck with letter


#39 frenchie

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Posted 20 June 2002 - 12:28 AM

((((April)))))))

You know what.  You DO NOT have to explain yourself to ANYONE.  You did what you had to do for you.  It was him who should been questioned.. not you.  You did nothing wrong.

When my grandmorther was comparing me to my 2 cousines that werer abused and she told me that she didn't beliefe it happened. I told her flat out..

" Look yu weren't there.  You were not the one under that man.  You were not the one being smothered, you were not the one who thought you were gonna die.  I am sick and tired of everyone blaming me for something that he did.  He was the adult,, i was the kid.  He could of killed me and no one seems to care about that.  I'm the one who lives iwth the memories adn the fears and teh pain.  I did what I had to for that moment,, IF you can do better... they you go back in time and you try it."  

With that I walked away and gave her the silent treatemnt for a whole day.  I was NOT happy,,,,,, at all,, then she tried to buy me off with a 100 bucks.      Hah. can't buy my trust.

April,, the point to all this is YOU were the one that survived adn you are the one that is taking responsiblity,, I highly doubt he is......so who should be questioned here...........????????//

Be gentel with yourself.
frenchie


#40 Guest__*

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Posted 20 June 2002 - 02:36 PM

((((April)))) hunny thank you for understanding. i have a feeling everyone here can relate on some level with that... b/c we all blame ourselves, but we often blame ourselves for things that are NOT our fault, which is what we have to work on. it sucks that life has to teach us things this way sometimes, but i guess there's nothing we can do about that.

Em - i have no problem with this thread moving to a public forum at all.


#41 Guest_Em_*

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Posted 21 June 2002 - 03:14 AM

#Moderation Mode

This thread has been moved to 'wonderful threads' which is open to the public. If any of the posters in here would like their post deleted because of this, please let me know.

You can of course edit anything you don't wish to be in the public domain.

Thanks
Emma

Moved here


#42 Guest__*

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Posted 27 June 2002 - 01:27 PM

I was asked that the other day, my mom asked, she looked at me with such disgust. I didnt really know how to answer her...i guess i was just scared..

#43 Laney

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Posted 02 November 2002 - 09:52 AM

I haven't answered this before, I've read it, I've been asked more times than I can count.

Why didn't I fight harder?

Self preservation.

Blinded fear.

The realization that I could not overpower him, I fought him for years and have scars to prove he's stronger than me.

Laney


#44 Guest__*

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Posted 26 December 2002 - 07:03 PM

Olny one person ever asked me that.......there was a girl that was a cheerleader and they hang out with me and my sis even though she is the cheer leader and she said to me....."Why didnt you fight harder...?" and I told her that i perfered living to dying from being stabbed or shot to death and that was the end of that...the thing that made me feel better that day was when we got home and my sister told me i probibaly fight harder than all the boys at my school.

#45 Guest__*

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Posted 21 January 2003 - 10:53 PM

The worst of all rape questions... why didn't you fight?  

When people used to ask me that question I'd say because I figured if I didn't fight it wasn't really rape.  Another one of the pathetic things we say to compansate for things beyond our control.

To me now though even answering that question is about as useful as responding to something like "Why would you want to be raped?"  Things will always remain the same at this point no matter what you could have done.  The point is it happend and your here to heal.



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