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When asked:  Why didn't you fight harder


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#1 Guest__*

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 07:35 AM

Oh and I agreee with rain and think that "f*ck you" would be another appropriate answer

Art


#2 els

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Posted 19 June 2002 - 09:24 AM

grrrr...

Maybe when someone asks again, you can answer with :
"Oh yes, that's a good idea. I'll keep in mind for the next time. Why didn't I think of it? How hard would you think is hard enough??? When I have 10 bruises? Or 25? Or when I have several cuts? Or when I'm unconscious? In a coma? Worse even? Tell me: how hard would be hard enough?"

If after that they still don't get it, they're not even worth the effort.
Of course, they might get upset for a while, because they'll feel exposed, well that serves them right then.

(((((((((((april))))))))))
I hope you'll never ever get that question again.
And I hope the same for every survivor.
:) What can I say? I love to be naieve sometimes.

Els.


#3 Maaike

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Posted 20 June 2002 - 03:06 PM

fear..i freeze.. i can't do anything..

Even counselor blamed me for not doing anything..'Why weren't u fighting' that stupid b*tch asked..i stood up and walked out of that room..never seen her again..
And felt even more disgusting for weeks..
I blame only myself often, and then i try not to, but when others ask i freak out..
They should shut up..

Take care..
Love Maaike


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Posted 24 June 2002 - 03:26 PM

Yup.  I remember being asked the "why didn't you fight" question, by one of my best friends.  At the time, I didn't know what to answer.  Silence. She went on to say, "why didn't you kick him? why didn't you just bite the crap out of him?  Why didn't you scream for help? Do something?  I know I would've fought like ####."...well, I thought, I didn't do anything.  I just took it, and pleaded and cried, and hoped that it would be over soon, "please God make him stop." I did scream and try to get away, but I was terrified.  He had beaten the crap out of me and even bit my face!  He was out of control! Yeah, I guess I'm a coward."....
This question tore at my heart, it ripped it apart.  And I started to believe I was a coward, that I was to blame and must've deserved it for not fighting.  I hated myself for not fighting back.  I thought I needed to punish myself so God could see the pain inside of me.  I started cutting.  The anger that was drowing the life out of me had to get out somehow.  Cutting seemed to be a good solution. Yeah right, it only made my pain worse. (for those of you now doing it, I beg you to STOP!...for those of you thinking of starting, please DON'T!)  I don't cut anymore. I happend to have found a good friend who did care.  He re-assured me that it wasn't my fault.  I forgave my friend for her ignorant question.  It's so true that unless you have been there, you have no freaking clue.  By the way, that friend of mine called me a short time later.  She told me that she and her hubby were playing around, just wrestling and stuff, and he playfully pinned her down and wouldn't let her go.  He had total control of her...... she said she remembered me then, and what she said to me....and she freaked.  She realized that had he been trying to hurt her, she would not be able to do a #### thing....hmmmm.

#5 Melanie

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Posted 17 December 2002 - 02:50 PM

My response to those who ask the stupid arse question Why didnt you fight harder....
Have you ever been raped? Do you know what it feels like to have your self respect, your dignity and yourself taken from you in a split second? Do you? Oh you dont, well shut the fuck up then ok.
 

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Posted 18 January 2003 - 08:42 AM

P.S. They just had tryouts for next years cheering squad (they have to do it early cuze tehy need to help the varsity rls try to get to nationals by being their backups) and hte aformentioned cheerleader did not make the squad because my sister who is on of this years Tri-Captians  and the other girls picking (all my friends) didnt like the way she treated me, and other people.

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Posted 18 June 2002 - 11:16 AM

Not sure where to post this, so my apologies if this is in the wrong spot.  I have been asked: Why didn't you fight harder? by so many people.  At the time, I can never seem to come up with a reply.  I'm just wondering what others say and how they feel about that question.  I'm in the process of writing my grandma a letter regarding her responses to me on certain issues including the r*pe.  She is the one that crams that question in my face every time I speak to her.  

I don't know why I didn't fight.  If I could remember how it all happened maybe I could come up with an answer.  I'm guessing I was scared.  I had already said "no" twice and he had said he wouldn't hurt me, but he did.  I guess my fear silenced me...


#8 Guest__*

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Posted 18 June 2002 - 08:56 PM

You're right - this is the No. 1 Great Evil Question of Death. And much as it hurts to say and acknowledge and come to terms with, fear IS a #### good reason to have not fought back. I know it was mine. It took me quite a while to accept that. And it is difficult to hear someone ask you that, because you're telling them what happened specifically because you trust and love them enough to understand. So when they say "How hard did you fight back?" or "Did you fight back?" you almost feel betrayed because you think "How dare you? I thought you knew me. How DARE you ask me if I fought back? You can't possible imagine what this was like for me. You can go to blazes."

So, to answer your question hun, this is what I told my friend when she asked me why I didn't fight back more than I did: Because they were much stronger than me. Because they'd already hurt me and I knew they'd hurt me worse if I didn't do what they said. Because I was very bloody scared.

When people ask questions like this, they deserve the truth. Even if the truth is "I didn't fight back because I was scared." Hearing it as blunt as that will probably help them to cope, too.

Wish I could have been more helpful. (((April)))


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Posted 19 June 2002 - 07:46 AM

((((((((((((April)))))))))))))

i feel that people who havent gone thru a r*pe or something along those lines can really understand... you shouldnt have to justify yourself, sometimes fear just gets the better of people and they cant fight...


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Posted 19 June 2002 - 09:10 AM

((((Hugs)))) to All !!!!

I never imagined this many replies, thank you for all your support and advise.  I haven't decided yet if I will still contact my grandmother...but if and before I do I will think about all that you all said.

This question is something that has been shoved in my face so many times, and I guess each time I just get silenter and silenter (I'm guessing that's not even a word), not really sure how to reply to the people asking the question.  I could just imagine my grandmother's face, if I were to say F*ck You!  


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Posted 19 June 2002 - 10:38 AM

I've told people that I had about 30 seconds to make myself believe that this was really happening and decide what to do.  I had no place to go it I fought my way out and I didn't think that I would be able to get away.  I decided that I didn't want to get hurt.  I acomplished that...I wasn't hurt physcially at all.

Ask then how good a a plan they could come up in less than 30 seconds???  People don't realise how fast the chance to change things goes away...how fast our lives change.


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Posted 20 June 2002 - 01:16 PM

((((firefly))))...

You basically just said everything that I've been trying to say in regards to why I put some blame on myself. Wow!  I was not offended in one way for what you said.  This question of "why didn't you fight" is something that just makes me so angry...but I have a problem that when I get angry I just walk away and never say anything...allowing the other person to think that I am just fine with their statement.  Ok, now I'm rambling.


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Posted 20 June 2002 - 04:38 PM

(((((((((((((((((Maaike)))))))))))))))

My T did the same thing to me today...You are sooooo brave for just having walked out!!!
And yep, she managed to make me feel guilty again...but hey stupid questions like that don't say anything about *us*...only about the enormous stupidity of people.
I think we should start a pandy fund for providing brains to some people who obviously need them

Art


#14 Guest_QuaDizzel_*

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Posted 21 December 2002 - 07:29 AM

          (((Crystal)))
To you first reply, the fourth reply in the topic, I love it. That is so how I feel. I couldn't put it any better! So many people came to me with both sides of it. One supposed friend of mine actually blamed me and told me I was stupid for getting raped because I'd been through it before and should have known better. Then, she had the nerve to tell me a story about herself almost being forced to do something she didn't want to do, but she fought as hard as she could and got away because she wanted to get away, I didn't. That's why I didn't fight hard enough - well in her eyes. I thought I was fighting hard enough. Whether I did or didn't, he got the idea that I didn't want to have sex.
Also, when I blame myself, I have a few good friends who reassure me that I might not of had any other choice. They said the exact words you said Crystal, would fighting or fighting harder made it any easier or safer for me? I did what I had to do to get through that period and I thank God that I have them to understand that. Deep down inside of my heart, I don't blame myself and it feels good for a friend to believe with me.

QuaDizzle


#15 Guest_Amy_*

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Posted 18 January 2003 - 09:46 AM

**T** for language

I've never been asked "why didn't you fight harder", but I have been asked, "did you fight?" by two people who have been and are very supportive, my cousin and my sister.  Both of them are also survivors of rape, though they handle their healing differently than I do.
Since their questions were motivated more from a desire to know what happened than from blaming me, I replied this way.
"Yes, I did fight, but when there are six of them and only one of you, fighting doesn't do much to stop them."
Both of them accepted that.
My mother, however, is a somewhat different story.  She doesn't know about the sexual assault, but she does know about the preceding abuse -- and when I told her that these boys were touching me, she said, "why don't you hit them, why don't you fight them, you could make them stop if you tried."
Duh, mom.  You're right, you must be -- I've been struggling and hitting them, but I must not be doing it the right way.  Hello, I'm thirteen, there are six of them, and they're strong -- but it must be my fucking fault.
#######.
Sorry for the strong words, but you can see that I still have problems with my mother on this score.
Take care,
Amy



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