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Uncovering a truth

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#31 Louise

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Posted 01 May 2002 - 03:09 PM

This is another Shell thread I've kept in the back of my mind for responding.

((((Women))))) I identify with so much of what you've said. Being raped has made me at times terrified of being seen as an attractive woman. Yet, essentially, when I remember the process of being raped, I certainly didn't feel that any homage was being paid to my "good looks". I felt dirty, ugly. Isn't that odd? I know rape isn't about homage to your good looks, but yet part of me persists in believing it is some sign of being irresistibly attractive.

The ex-partner who battered and raped me, said he was doing so because I was a slut; it was my clothes, it was the way I moved, it was dancing, you name it. He said I needed to be taught what can happen when I "flaunt" myself like a whore. He particularly had trouble with any suggestion of flaunting my breasts; this was seen by him to issue sexual invitations to other men. It took me sixteen years to fully overcome the damage he did.

The most powerful means of doing this was to bellydance (you've seen the pic) in the Aus equivalent of "Take Back the Night". I could expose my flesh, let my cleavage show, be a beautiful, sensuous dancing woman AND still demand the right not to be raped, harrassed, threatened.

The theme has cropped up again recently too, with the rape of a very dear friend. The first thing I felt the morning after she disclosed, was this terrible sense that I didn't want to be a woman, not noticeably a woman.

I deliberately defied it, sisters. I put on the most pink, tight, cleavage-revealing thing I could find BECAUSE I FEEL GOOD THAT WAY AND I'M FUCKED IF I WILL ALLOW SICK BASTARD RAPISTS TO DICTATE WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE!!!!

I love my femininity. Love it. Sick fucks can make what they will of it, but it doesn't mean they can have it.

My friends rapist thought she was beautiful. She is now naturally afraid....and I hope I'll be able to encourage her into an overcoming of it.

Social ideas about beauty causing rape are a worry because they lead to so much injustice. 2 cases: A woman was raped and walked into a polkice precinct in downtown New York to have the policeman sneer at her and say, "aww, who'd want to rape you?" In the last decade, a rape case was thrown out of court becuase the judge could not believe somebody would attack a woman as unattractive as he believed the victim to be.

Staistics show that a "beautiful" rape-complainant gets more empathy and belief that one who doesn't fit the stereotype; her "ugly" sister is assumed to be wishful thinking or attention seeking. Yet the "beautiful" victim is assumed to have "asked for it" because she was beautiful!

Can't fucking win, can we? We still have a long way to go, sisters, but we'll get there; we can nsist that the responsibility for rape rests with the perpetrator and that focus is taken away from how the woman looked.

Sorry for the ramble; I feel incredibly strongly about this. As ususal, Shell, you've given me a forum to explode some of my deepest passions.

(((((((Sisters))))))))) find what you want to be and be it.


Lou xxxxxx

#32 Guest__*

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Posted 07 June 2002 - 09:00 PM

Hey Shell,

I can relate to the why would he want me thing.  I have that.  And the guy that did it to me licked my eyebrows--as wierd as that is and I have had that problem with feeling gross cuz of it, so you have helped me a great deal in coming forward with that detail and I thank you.  c you in chat.

#33 Francesca

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Posted 15 January 2003 - 08:32 PM

I know this is an old post, but I'm kind of wandering around the board and I saw this. I mean....wow....this is exactly what I've been dealing with. Just like my eating disorders from before. I don't tell anyone about it because I'm not really thin. In fact, I'm a big girl. But I don't like to talk about what has happened in my life because I'm not pretty and I'm so afraid someone is going to call me a liar because of it. I am just really glad that I found this thread and I'm glad I'm posting so it boosts it because maybe it will help a lot of people who don't have time to wander the board like I do tonight.

#34 Shell

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Posted 13 August 2003 - 07:20 AM

After reading some recent posts, I realized that I haven't made ANY progress in this area. At 34 years old, I STILL think that everyone I tell would think "WHY in the world would that happen to YOU?"

It was said to my face by a girl who had a crush on the guy who tried to rape me. It is still in my head. I don't think I will ever tell anyone else in my life because I am sure that is what they will think as well. I even wonder if people HERE think it (I know that is crazy but I think it after putting my picture up).

Dammit! I guess I have to work on this.

I need to rememeber


#35 Guest__*

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Posted 09 April 2002 - 08:03 AM


Thinkin' of you sweetie...and hoping you come to trust all your feelings and experiences as your OWN.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels about your situations...they happened to you, and that makes them worth exploring and talking about.

Love to you~

#36 Guest__*

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Posted 10 April 2002 - 12:32 PM

"but you can't seriously think that...you have a disability, theres no way anyone would want you, let alone rape you" -- heard it too many times.  or from my ex-fiance... "well, i think you're beautiful and tell you so... no one else ever would".  he thought saying that gave him the right to take my body whatever, however he wanted.
so yeah michelle, while i didn't really buy into the whole not being beautiful so how could it be rape ( i knew it was rape), EVERY one else did, so i was constantly told i was just being stupid, that it couldn't happen,and "oh, well i know he would never have wanted you, so you have to be lieing"...that sentence sums up what i got told and treated like about this.  even with his confession to a judge in court on paper, i'm still told i'm lieing, because everyone believes that i'm not "good"(atractive, sexual, etc) enough to be raped.
i guess b/c i dealt with the whole self-image issue way before this happened, b/c of the progressing disability, it didn't really change how i saw myself.   as nothing special, but that i could/can look pretty #### good if i put some work into it and wasn't in too much pain at the time (pain does nasty things to your apperance).  and yes, i'm proud of the fact i can pull off looking good when i want... on a general basis, i don't put too much stake in how i look...its not that important to me.

and yeah, as for perverts and comments... they may use the exscuse that someones pretty to rationalize theri behavior, but they will target anyone.


#37 hdsmith

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Posted 11 April 2002 - 09:07 AM

Don't appologize you didn't do anything wrong at all.
I've know how much our society sucks.



#38 Guest_Amy_*

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Posted 17 January 2003 - 06:26 PM

Thank you for your anger.  Nobody else ever gave a fuck.

#39 sweetness

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Posted 25 October 2003 - 02:23 PM

that was one of his reasons for what he did to me, that i was beautiful. i knew men found me beautiful from the way they would talk and act to me, i guess that's my problem, that because i'm beautiful (which we can all honestly say) it was my fault, and i deserve it. i know better now.

love u all

together, we ARE stronger

#40 Ramona

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 07:56 PM

Hi there,

You know what? I've been attacked for "being ugly". I've been attacked for "being too pretty". I've been attacked for being the wrong religion, having the wrong accent, being too smart, being too dumb. I've been attacked for being too open and honest, for wearing too many clothes, for having a bad reputation, for having a good reputation. I've been attacked when wealthy, and approached when poor, attacked when prudy, and again when mischevious.

It does not matter. No one should ever get attacked. Its not about sex or beauty or lack of.

And people don't listen when a person is ugly, and they blame when someone is pretty. They LISTEN when someone has money, but not when they are poor. That is my experience. It's just appearances and our society has prejudice. Its all projections and has absolutely nothing to do with the person being attacked. Again, No one should be attacked for any reason, no  matter what they are like or wear or how they behave.

It is never ever the person attacked's fault. Ever! Do you hear me???? It is never your fault.

#41 JoviBlaze

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Posted 29 October 2003 - 08:25 PM

((((hugs to everyone))))

When I was little I was very pretty, I can remember alot of people (usually creepy old men) asking my Mom if they could "buy me". It freaked me out. My abusive ex-boyfriend (the one who did this to me) told me how beautiful I was all the time. My sister says I'm still pretty (yeah right) but guys don't seem to notice that, they're too busy looking at my boobs. I realize it's not all guys but I'm gonna say 95% of them are pigs, always have been, always will be. I agree with what everyone else has sad, there is def. something wrong with society.

#42 Guest__*

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Posted 07 December 2003 - 09:40 PM

this is my first post.  i guess i finally decided to post here because this is the first time ive realised that its not all in my imagination.  i cant even count the amount of times things have happened to me.  i tried to make a list once, a few years ago, just of names.  but i had hazy memories of some, and sometimes i could remember but i didnt know their names, and it was so hard.  at the time i got down about twenty names and initials, and at that point i just thought, nah, cant be right.  it must be me, maybe i saw it in a movie or something.  thats just not possible.  since then ive remembered so much more.  i was homeless for a long while in my teens, thats not where it all started but i cant begin to count how much happened to me then.  anyway, this is the first time ive seen that other women have had multiple issues too, i guess i figured rape was a violent one time thing, somewhere in my brain i figured that my experiences i mustve made up.  i dont sleep anymore,  i mean, i do, eventually, but not for long.  im really shaking just writing this.  i remember all the time now.  god im 27 andd it seems like 20 plus years have suddenlly caught up.  its the scariest thing

#43 pastelrose

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Posted 19 May 2004 - 11:12 PM

:(  Hello i dont know if im in the right area to post this but i hope so im new to pandoras
My question is so hard to talk about im afraid im sick or ? well here goes when i was younger i have a few memories but not sure if i was molested kind of blurry memory but ( its so hard to say ) :down: am i a pervert or sick because when i masterbate or am with my husband sometimes i think about me and my dad and im small about age 3 to 7 i think and him touching me the point is im really scared im sick why wuld i like to think about this ######## and why does it make me orgasm (which is hardly never without thinking this) when im thinking it its me when i was small but not not dad i grew up with just a man i call daddy Am I SICK PLEASE HELP............ also i NEVER think of kids being abused or molested i just wanted to throw that in so no one thought i was a molester or ? its so hard dealing with this im so upset writing this whats wrong with me.........

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