Help
Could be *T*
For years I kept my secret, thinking that I was protecting my mother. Then one night about a year or two ago, I came very, VERY close to giving in and ending it all. Instead of doing that I blurted some of my story out. My mom looked at me in dismay and said "Are you sure you didn't dream this up?" "Are you sure you're not lying?" Those were the very words I was terrified of hearing. I lost it, vowing then nad there never to tell her another thing. And I haven't. I still can't forget those first words. True, I gave her a shock, but she could have THOUGHT before she spoke.
I told my half-sister, who was abused when SHE was a child. her response was to compare my pain to hers and to tell me WHY her's was worse. it made me feel so small. So alone.
I told a friend and she said "Can we talk about something else? This is disgusting." I didn't know what to do. I hung up on her and started punching the walls while screaming and crying. I can still feel that pain, how betrayed I felt.
My best friend said "Move on, it happened when you were a kid and it doens't matter now. YOu're just making a mountain out of a mole hill." My best friend. What would my enemies say? He still tells me to move on and forget about it, that other people suffer worse.
I have heard every reason as to WHY i should have told, but no one understands my reasons for not.
I believed him when he said he would kill me. He killed my pets, so why wouldn't he kill me? Yes, he was my brother. Yes, he was a child himself. But he thought NOTHING of tying me to a chair and setting my skin on fire. He thought nothing of pressing lit sparklers in my back or of holding me under water until I passed out. I lived in a constant state of fear. I believed him. He used to hide under my bed with a knife. Why wouldn't he kill me? Why DIDN'T he kill me?
No one would have believed me. My brother is a very charming sociopath. He can convince you the world is ending, all while wearing a smile on his face. He told my mohter, hwen I was 8, that I "LET" him do things. Let him. I was 8, he was 13/14. Who let who here?
It hurt being ignored. To me, it validated that I desevered it. He stabbed me with a pair of kitchen sissors, bad enough that I had to, in later life, have three surgeries to repair damage. BUT i'm to blame. I made it up. I should move on.
And this is hard to share...
When I was 7, he told me that he'd kill someone I loved if I ever told. Though I never told her, I think she suspected. I mean come on, I wore long sleeves in the summer, and was covered in bruises. But she probably thought it was my mom or dad. Anyway, she used to pull me aside, give me hugs, and tell me that I was special. She said if I ever needed to talk, that she'd be there. I believed her. But one day I came to school to learn that she had been murdered by her boyfriend. I thought it was my brother and he didn't bother to tell me otherwise.
But I was lying. I was making it up. her death so traumatized me that I forgot she ever existed. But whenever I heard the song "Candle on the Water" (which she sung to me), I broke down sobbing. I still can't hear that song and not cry.
Just to remind me NOT to tell he burned the one place down that i felt safe. Put all my toys in there (a fort) and burned it down. Who could I tell? How do you confess when you live in the middle of dysfunction? My mom was emotionally abusive and psychological abusive..could i really have turned to her? No. not then, and maybe still not now.
But I was lying. #### it, I don't lie. I know what it's like to be lied to. he told me he'd never hurt me.
Sorry...i rambled too long and I'll shut up.
