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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound


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#91 Buddhas_heart

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Posted 18 February 2012 - 01:15 AM

The first guy I ever had sex with took in my rapist and told me I was a lying brat an how could I do that. He later ended up telling me that my rapist had confessed to him and would my mother give them a ride to have the rapist turn himself in! The stupidity is alarming. I had a close friend who fell in love with the rapist a couple months before the rape that told me she didn't believe that he could do such a thing and wanted to hear exactly what happened. I think those two things broke my heart. I would never do anything to ruin someones name and to be told I was lying was like it was all happening again.

#92 Theresa

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Posted 18 February 2012 - 02:00 AM

my mother, who is a survivor herself didn't believe me when I told her about the CSA some years ago. Later I thought she believed me. Because she was attending survivor groups and all kinds of stuff. Then, about 2 years ago, I talked to her and realizzed that she still doesn't believe it. She demands to know *physical* details *puke!!!!!!* to prove it.
That was the moment when I decided I can't have a good relationship with her, ever.

Qm


There are so many things that I thought only happened to me. But as I continue to read posts I realize that maybe few things were unique.

My mother was also a survivor. She did not believe me.
She told me *it did not happen and
*she would have known if it did, because of what she went through, so it didn't
happen
*if I really knew what it was like to be r****, I never would have said this.
*she wanted the details too and used them to refute my story (he didn't do that,
he doesn't like to do that)

She told social services I was lying and making a false report, that I was jealous of my stepfather. Sadly they believed her. With no evidence, it was hard to "prove". No evidence I was a liar either, but easier to believe that it was just teen angst.

It makes it really hard to tell folks what happened. I always expect that no one will believe me. I know in my head it's not true, but my heart is too afraid.

So sorry that so many people have been through this. It makes me sad.

#93 groverkitty

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Posted 12 April 2012 - 09:47 PM

This is my first post here. I'm glad there's a place for us to talk openly and honestly about what has happened. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has endured many years of abuse. When I told my parents what happened, my mom told me it was my fault bc at 5yrs old I should have told her. 2 years ago I saw a pic of my molester holding a young child. Things spiraled out of control when I told my mom, who then called the parent of the small child. The mother told my mom that it wasn't me who was abused, it was MY BROTHER who abused my molester's SISTER! They told me that no one believes me and that I have the facts all wrong. This invalidation has really stayed with me. I feel like I will never be the same. Sometimes I question if he really did molest me for several years growing up. I know in my heart he did because I remember each and every graphic detail!

#94 peanuthead

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Posted 31 August 2014 - 11:14 PM

For me being accused of lying was extremely tough because of who it came from. I was raped by a friend and of course we had mutual friends. I kept it to myself mostly but I turned to one friend for support and we later started dating. Before it all happened then two were close but after my supporter hated the rapist. However I began to see myself being treated poorly and told the supporter I couldnt be with him it wasnt right for me at that time and he changed so much. When I saw him become closer than ever with my rapist I was crushed. When I confronted him he said "he told me he never laid a hand on you" "why do you want me to think he did youre sick" I couldnt believe it this is the guy that held me while I cried and talked me through my panic attacks and self harm. All I said was "we both know he laid his hands on me. He always kept a hand on me even when he was away from me." Later I tried to keep one of my best friends from getting in his car by telling her he's a rapist and she didnt say anything she even watched as he slammed me into the side of the car. Finally I had enough courage to tell my girlfriends and they said "thats not really rape. If he made you perfrom oral it wasnt rape because youre the one who did it. You should have just kept taking the beating he would have probably stopped." I guess I just get angry I mean I dont want their pity but they have no right to talk about what I should have done or how I should feel and they definitely have no right to tell me im wrong. I know its hard to believe a friend could do that it happened to me and I still had trouble accepting it but one of the only things that helped me deal was knowing he was our friend he could have done this to one of my friends or my sister and in that case im glad he chose me if only to keep him from doing it to them. So yeah I get mad when people dont believe me I dont know how to not be enraged by it I mean it really hurts.

#95 Hellothere

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Posted 03 May 2015 - 01:32 AM

The most refreshingly obtuse response I have ever gotten was from someone who claimed to have a "scientific bent" and then proceeded to ask probing questions to make sure that I was telling the truth. F*ck you Perry Mason, if I could make stuff like this up I'd be raking in millions by penning global best sellers, instead of wasting my time with you.



#96 Mybabies

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Posted 15 February 2016 - 10:56 AM

My son is 4 and people are so quick to suggest he lied or made a mistake. Says he doesn't understand and doesn't know how to talk ect.
It's one thing for people to think maybe he made a mistake but to say it to me... it hurts me to my core. That's my baby and I am protecting him by keeping him away from the man he says abused him... he's not capable of lying but somehow a 4 year old is?!?

#97 iamnya

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Posted 09 April 2016 - 11:46 PM

To be said that ur lying, is like someone ripped you all over again..... and that someone is a close friend for 20years, is just make everything worse... the feeling of not having a support system and anyone to believe is sh***y

#98 Susan

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Posted 10 April 2016 - 12:26 AM

Hi iamnya,

 

I agree!  I'm sorry if your friend of so many years questioned you.  I'd say that person wasn't much of a friend. We don't do that here because we've all been through it.  I believe you! 

 

hug.gif hug.gif hug.gif

Peace to you,

Susan



#99 iamnya

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Posted 11 April 2016 - 03:44 AM

Thanq Susan,, i understand that it is a common reaction.. but it still hurt to the core
♡♡♡
-tonya-

#100 Sutton

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Posted 18 May 2016 - 01:23 PM

I had never thought about the concept of secondary assault until I read Aphrodite Madaskis's book last year.  Actually, that isn't quiet accurate.  I felt the pain of secondary assault but never framed it clearly until I read Aphrodite Madakis.  It never crystalized.  Therefore, I never gave it the weight that it deserved.  After reading about secondary assault and having it named, that pain had a name and a setting.  For me, fifty years passed!! yes, fifty years and oddly, via the Web,  I reconnected with my old boyfriend...Mr. Secondary Assault.  He began by apologizing for his behavior fifty years earlier.  He had said he had often thought about me and wondered what had happened to me.  I was stunned that he every gave me a thought

 

In 1967, after a party at my boyfriend's house, my boyfriend and I went to bed and had sex.  His parents were away.  My boyfriend left the room, a party hanger on, came in the room, locked the door and raped me. When he released me, I was hysterical.   My boyfriend took me home, told my mother that we had been in a car accident to explain my battered face and disheveled appearance.  I had been so crazy about him.  

 

I was angry, confused and a few days later, when I talked to my boyfriend, he told me that if I told anyone or reported it, that he would have everyone at the party swear that they all had sex with me and that it was consensual.   I just collapsed inside.  I was done in by his final treatment of me but I didn't have enough strength to say or do anything.   His father was a rich attorney and they lived in a beautiful, rustic farmhouse.  When we reconnected, fifty years later, my boyfriend was afraid if I pressed charges, his father, or he would be in trouble, scandal, at least.   After that, he didn't contact me, didn't call to see how I was, nothing.  A few months later he and a friend packed up his car and moved from Penna to California.

 

At the time, I had confided in a friend who was an attorney and I told my boyfriend that I had talked with him.  My boyfriend said that my friend/attorney had called his father, who was a very prominent attorney, and told him my story to try to impress his father.  I was further disappointed that my friend had betrayed my confidence.   For fifty years, I accepted that story as truth.  

 

Fifty years later, when my boyfriend and I reconnected, I learned the truth.  I learned that my boyfriend had made that up.  So for fifty years, I had believed that my friend had betrayed me.  

 

Anyway, it was great reconnecting and getting to look at that event and my old boyfriend again.  He apologized.  We e-mailed for about six months.  Fifty years earlier,  I felt so devastated, beaten, sad, alone.

 

During the fifty years, I built a life.  I have a wonderful husband and I am happy.  It took a great therapist and a lot of work but I survived and thrived.  I could look at my old boyfriend with clarity.  He was gorgeous fifty years ago.  I was so enthralled with his looks, his family, yes...his wealth.

 

Fifty years later, he was much less important to me.  He was not particularly impressive.  He had not done much given all his opportunities.  He did not seem to have grown into a better person.  He seemed to me to be lacking.  He seemed to me to be a person who could have been so much but had just kind of remained.  He never married.  He moved from California back to the area where we lived.  For years when I thought about him, I had assumed that he would have soared to remarkable heights.  He had not.


Edited by Sutton, 18 May 2016 - 01:24 PM.


#101 Hellothere

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Posted 18 May 2016 - 02:58 PM

I am so sorry for that awful betrayal Sutton. So terribly sorry. I have learned that people are not always who they seem to be too.

You, on the other hand, are the real deal.

Edited by Hellothere, 18 May 2016 - 03:47 PM.


#102 MarlaLoungeSinger

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Posted 18 May 2016 - 04:49 PM

It has a name! Holy wow.

My rape was drug-facilitated, so the aftermath is what I recall with the most clarity. There's so many examples that sure resonate with me from you, amazing humans of Pandy's, but what really got to me was a guy I used to fool around with years ago. I considered him to be a friend, so I confided in him shortly after my assault. His response was an attempt to coerce me into cybersex, stating that "I shouldn't let my rapists take my pleasure away forever", which isn't his decision to make, not to mention it was within 72 hours of said assault. Pretty predatory would be a good description of how it felt.

Another guy wouldn't take "no" for an answer at a work party. Took it upon himself to grab my ass repeatedly. More "no" from me, both in body language and firmly verbalized. He didn't like that, so he got drunk and decided to wait for me outside the venue, so that I'd have to face him in order to retrieve my car. (Luckily, a colleague walked me to my car and initially displayed empathy for me. It was disappointing when he later changed his tune, making excuses for the offending guy.)

A few other former partners and acquaintances likely mean well, but the ignorance can shatter me. Prior to this, I wasn't much for casual touching, I'm not touchy-feely, and I am a very petite female, so when some people stoop down and try to pick me up or trap me in a big hug, my first instinct is to use my "get off my lawn, damn kids" voice and clench my fists. (A guilt trip attempt usually follows...)

#103 Starlight

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Posted 27 May 2016 - 12:07 AM

Are you sure that you can trust your memories

I'll hurt  you and lie if you tell

Come on, you can tell the truth, it never happened

you must have done something to provoke him 

If it happened when you were so young, why are you remembering it many years later

Are you sur, you're just not looking for sympathy 

People don't do what you say they did

why are you saying this, it can't be true

I raised you right, what did you do

firemen and paramedics are there to help people, why are you accusing them

;



#104 Ekasey624

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 02:51 PM

I lost my virginity to my mom's husband (I refuse to refer to him as step dad) when I was 11. I kept quiet, I knew my mom didn't have much and I didn't want to cause more stress than she already had so I just stayed away from him and their house as much as possible until they eventually divorced some 6 months later. I finally told someone 4 years later. I told my boyfriend and a week or so after I told him he asked me via text message to give him the play-by-play again, how exactly it happened. I thought it was weird of him to ask but I gave him what he wanted. A month down the road I was out with my mom, playing on her phone when I found the message he had forwarded to her. When I read her response I almost threw up. "Are you sure she isn't lying? We hardly had sex when we were together". I put the phone down and never said a word about it to her. I confronted my boyfriend though.
It completely broke my heart when I found out he had betrayed me like that. He claims it was for my protection, in case she ever considered getting back with him. it absolutely killed me when I read her response, but it made me feel better about my decision to not say anything at the time. I don't think I could have handled her not believing ME. To this day I haven't brought it up to her and she hasn't brought it up either.

#105 Raingirl

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Posted 22 June 2016 - 10:09 PM

I lost my virginity to my mom's husband (I refuse to refer to him as step dad) when I was 11. I kept quiet, I knew my mom didn't have much and I didn't want to cause more stress than she already had so I just stayed away from him and their house as much as possible until they eventually divorced some 6 months later. I finally told someone 4 years later. I told my boyfriend and a week or so after I told him he asked me via text message to give him the play-by-play again, how exactly it happened. I thought it was weird of him to ask but I gave him what he wanted. A month down the road I was out with my mom, playing on her phone when I found the message he had forwarded to her. When I read her response I almost threw up. "Are you sure she isn't lying? We hardly had sex when we were together". I put the phone down and never said a word about it to her. I confronted my boyfriend though.
It completely broke my heart when I found out he had betrayed me like that. He claims it was for my protection, in case she ever considered getting back with him. it absolutely killed me when I read her response, but it made me feel better about my decision to not say anything at the time. I don't think I could have handled her not believing ME. To this day I haven't brought it up to her and she hasn't brought it up either.


It is a shame that your mother doesn't understand your attack has nothing to do with the sexual part of her relationship. I am so sorry that you had to see this. I had for many years a mom that denied the extent of what happened. She has only recently been willing to admit that it happened and I wasn't exaggerating.

This is what is horrible about CSA, SA, and R is that it is so personal, explicit and because done in secrecy, if we tell, we are often not deemed honest about what actually happened.

I hope that you are continuing to seek out sources to grow and heal. I have found the support on PA to be a comfort. May you find the support you deserve. Rain


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