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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound


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#76 Shalom

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Posted 19 September 2006 - 04:22 PM

newspaper stories about "False memories"


I take it personally, too, partly because so many LIES are being spread by the "False Memory Syndrome Foundation" and by people who support the whole idea of False Memories. <_< The facts are that a number of studies have shown about 30% of people who're abused as kids will block the memories at some time, sometimes for a long time. Recovered memories are about as reliable as the person's real memories - accurate in the essentials, even if less acurate in the details. It may be that some people mis-identify their abuser... but when it comes to incest? Usually the whole family supports incesturous ideas, y'know? Even if the parents weren't directly involved, they often supported the abuser in some way. :(

My CSA wasn't family abuse at all - but my parents still did things that contributed to it, that made me vulnerable to it. <_< It may be people are "shattering" their families because their family is a mess only none of the rest of them want to admit it. :P

And it makes me crazy that people who can't prove they were raped or abused are assumed to be liars. :angry: Lots of crimes are never solved, and lots of criminals get off because there isn't enough evidence, even though the circumstantial evidence is strong. But people don't assume that, because the guy accused got off, there was no theft. <_< The whole "false accusation" philosophy makes me want to tear my hair out.

Sheryl

#77 mad_madam_mimi

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Posted 19 September 2006 - 10:15 PM

Michelle - I feel that way too. It makes me cringe when I hear that because not only does it make me feel bad, it just reinforces those myths in the minds of those who believe them, so they go along in their day happy in the knowledge that they're the right ones - abuse is all just one big lie right? (sarcasm)

I know, the Courage to Heal talks about how its like the mentality of the abuser, but spread throughout society. Thank you so much for your comments, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way...

I take it personally, too, partly because so many LIES are being spread by the "False Memory Syndrome Foundation" and by people who support the whole idea of False Memories. The facts are that a number of studies have shown about 30% of people who're abused as kids will block the memories at some time, sometimes for a long time. Recovered memories are about as reliable as the person's real memories - accurate in the essentials, even if less acurate in the details. It may be that some people mis-identify their abuser... but when it comes to incest? Usually the whole family supports incesturous ideas, y'know? Even if the parents weren't directly involved, they often supported the abuser in some way.

Sad but true. I think people want to believe that CSA doesn't happen, either because they were abused themselves but are in denial, or because it's just too terrible to contemplate.

My CSA wasn't family abuse at all - but my parents still did things that contributed to it, that made me vulnerable to it. It may be people are "shattering" their families because their family is a mess only none of the rest of them want to admit it.

Yep. The abuser "shattered" the family, or it imploded by itself. But telling the truth about what was going on does not destroy anything that deserves to stay intact.

And it makes me crazy that people who can't prove they were raped or abused are assumed to be liars. Lots of crimes are never solved, and lots of criminals get off because there isn't enough evidence, even though the circumstantial evidence is strong. But people don't assume that, because the guy accused got off, there was no theft. The whole "false accusation" philosophy makes me want to tear my hair out.

Me too. Can you imagine if there was a "False Memory" Association for people accused of murder, but got off? I mean, the FMSF doesn't know how many of their members are actually guilty (most, I suspect), but can you imagine if they were accused of murder or grand theft instead? The uproar... I can see the headlines now.

It's really just about dismissing and invalidating the survivor, which is why it is so triggering to me. Like, my mother always used to say I was "over sensitive" because I would cry a lot, or get upset. Finally, a few years ago, she said it again, and I said "I'm NOT over-sensitive. I never HAVE BEEN over-sensitive. What I was, and am, is DEPRESSED." Can you imagine a man coming back from war with PTSD, having nightmares, depression, and flashbacks, and his wife saying, "oh, honey, you're so over-sensitive."? :rolleyes:

That's what I like about these boards. People get it, here. :)

#78 WhiteSoxFan

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Posted 11 August 2007 - 10:44 AM

i'm new so i may be replying wrong.

for me, nobody knows yet because i'm so scared they WONT belive me. or will think i'm being overdramatic or looking for attention. if i could even say the words out loud in the first place... it's hard enough to type them.

i keep thinking of this one time in a class discussion about teacher/student relationships (i'm an education major) a girl came forward and said she had been molested by a teacher, and nobody belived her and talked about her for weeks, saying she'd only wanted attention.

i keep thinking of her and how she was treated, and i'm so terrified i'd be treated like that too.

#79 opheila27

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Posted 11 August 2007 - 12:00 PM

I never really told anybody about my attacks (except the bare min. explanation for significant others) Why? My older sister reported being abused around the same time as my CSA and when she came out about it my dad ranted about the therapist brainwashing her and how much it hurt the family an wouldnt she just stop? (she did) after that... i just couldnt say anything. I did end up telling about my second CSA and my dad was horrified at the thought i might wanna press charges and everybody would know..

that was the end of talking about things for me

but really burns my tail is when my stepson came forward... and the authorities point blank told my husband that he thought it was made up to dispute the custody case.

I mean..
come on now... what 5 year old boy can describe sodomy and oral sex?!?!

#80 ~Samantha~

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Posted 11 August 2007 - 03:00 PM

I believe in a way this can go for all kinds of abuse and not just sexual abuse or rape.
For the assault alone that happened three months ago. When it first happened one of the people who are the closest to me said to me maybe you should talk to him. At the time I just gave her a dumb found look and said NO and she just said that it was ok knowing that I could blow up. The other comments that have been told me are:
"Well you won't report him so it is not true"
"Oh he is not the type"
"You don't have anymarks"
"You didn't put up a hard enough fight"
There are times when these statements are so overwhelming that I just stop saying anything because I am better off because I am known for getting to mad and ending up throwing a punch if I am not very careful.
I do again believe this is with all types of abuse though because even when I was a child living with my mother when I first told her about the molestation she looked at me directly and said that is not fucken true because I was right there.....yeah well I just sat there and said what ever knowing that she was not right there she was in bed.
The physical and emotional abuse with my mother was the worst though.
Child Protective Services even told me the emotional abuse did not exsist because I was not having any trouble in school and I had no emotional problems except for depression which was technically not diagnosed at the time. I looked them directly in the face and told them I would not show trouble in school because first it is my safe place, second I want to get the hell out of my house, and third if I ever bring a greade lower than 85 I can expect a kick in the ass and if I got lower than 95 I was grounded and when I got lower than 100 I was in a lecture of four hours long (mind you I got a lot of those 100 are not a possible thing). The CPS worker looked me back and said well there is nothing I can do call us when she hits you again. My response was oh thanks and I picked up my stuff and left....I was later given detention for my rudeness but I didn't care. It hurt incredibly bad to be disbelieved by an authority.
In all all the secondary wounding has hurt so bad, With the assault I have come to the point of not telling along with any of the previous abuse I am so sick of being hurt again about the same thing.

#81 SurvivingTheStorm

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Posted 11 August 2007 - 04:34 PM

False memories? Give me a f***ing break...
There's so much more to memories than just visual pictures. People can be so f***ing stupid.

Edited by SurvivingTheStorm, 18 October 2007 - 08:20 PM.


#82 Cayce

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Posted 21 August 2007 - 06:52 AM

I had to go to the GUM clinic a couple of days ago (to test for STI's) and the doctors I was talking to knew what had happened and they read my record and found out that it had happened twice...around a year ago my drink was spiked. The man said something like "To stop putting yourself at risk you shouldn't drink, blah blah blah." So what, just because I was drinking that makes it alright and it's inviting people to hurt me? I was quite shocked to be honest...unless I was overreacting? What happened to me this year I hadn't even drank that much. It feels like he said I was asking for it. :(

#83 ladyshen92

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Posted 02 August 2009 - 04:25 PM

I truely appreciate this topic, I always felt as though I was alone in this sense.

I've only told one person about my 'incident' and that my current girlfriend. I couldn't even use the word...rape. but 3 years later I feel as though she thinks I'm lying, she's emotionless when I have triggers or I feel scarred because of it.
Also people who I have seeked advive in have all told me its in my head.
It just makes me feel even more ashamed.

Shen.

#84 MatthewJ123

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Posted 17 October 2009 - 04:57 AM

my own mother and brother accused me of lying. both of them know i am not because they both lived in the house where it happened. it made me physically ill and i didn't tell anyone again for a long long time

#85 Eisa

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 03:03 PM

I haven't been told that I'm lying so much as I just get invalidating responses. :( Like "well, it couldn't have been that bad, I mean, you stayed there for a month..." or acting like I must have wanted it at least sometimes 'cause how could it be rape every single time? And with the stuff from my childhood, it's like "maybe you're remembering wrong" or "she was younger than you, I don't see how it could have been as bad as all that..." And part of it comes from my own head, like I keep trying to invalidate myself, but I HATE when people do that. :glare: :down: My so-called "friend" told me that I "definitely lost my virginity because I wanted sex" at some point with my ex. :blink: Like because at that moment, I was acting like a normally sexually functioning adult, it meant that I deserved it in some fashion, or that it wasn't as horrific as I thought it was. It's the most awful feeling in the world. :(

#86 GakinaAwiiya

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Posted 29 October 2009 - 08:42 PM


newspaper stories about "False memories"


I take it personally, too, partly because so many LIES are being spread by the "False Memory Syndrome Foundation" and by people who support the whole idea of False Memories. <_< The facts are that a number of studies have shown about 30% of people who're abused as kids will block the memories at some time, sometimes for a long time. Recovered memories are about as reliable as the person's real memories - accurate in the essentials, even if less acurate in the details. It may be that some people mis-identify their abuser... but when it comes to incest? Usually the whole family supports incesturous ideas, y'know? Even if the parents weren't directly involved, they often supported the abuser in some way. :(

My CSA wasn't family abuse at all - but my parents still did things that contributed to it, that made me vulnerable to it. <_< It may be people are "shattering" their families because their family is a mess only none of the rest of them want to admit it. :P

And it makes me crazy that people who can't prove they were raped or abused are assumed to be liars. :angry: Lots of crimes are never solved, and lots of criminals get off because there isn't enough evidence, even though the circumstantial evidence is strong. But people don't assume that, because the guy accused got off, there was no theft. <_< The whole "false accusation" philosophy makes me want to tear my hair out.

Sheryl


Could you tell me where you found this research? I'm not asking to challenge you on it, but because I really, really need your help citing this for work (I work at a coalition against sexual assault for my state)

#87 halo

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Posted 30 October 2009 - 01:53 PM

A couple of years ago this guy befriended me online for the purpose of gathering info to use to stalk/harass me which he then did. He and his friends found and spammed an eating disorder support group that I had been a member of for several years. One thing they said repeatedly was that I "lied about being r*ped to get attention" which is not true. On that board it became something of a running "joke" that is what I did.

#88 gazzygirl

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Posted 21 October 2010 - 01:04 PM

non of my frends beleve me and it hurtis so muc to no i finell fond the strenf to opien up to be caled a lyer and los my frends xx

#89 splath

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Posted 13 November 2011 - 06:31 PM

I am so glad that I found this forum before trying to talk to anyone about it in person, especially since what happened to me sort of falls into a gray area. When I distance myself from what happened and look at the facts (I was significantly more drunk than he was, I never gave consent, he knew that I was already extremely emotionally fragile and vulnerable) it seems like rape. But when I think about everything else, I find myself hesitant to use that word. I feel like people would say I'm exaggerating or that I'm just trying to get back at him because I realized he was only using me for sex or that because I didn't try to stop him it wasn't actually rape. It didn't even occur to me that it might be rape until a few weeks after when I noticed that I hadn't done anything social since it happened, I was avoiding talking to people, and I was eating about half as much as I used to. Even if it doesn't fit the very narrow view that most people have of rape, it is still affecting me as such. I just wish I could trust someone that I knew would take me seriously....

#90 Buddhas_heart

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Posted 18 February 2012 - 01:12 AM

The first guy I ever had sex with took in my rapist and told me I was a lying brat an how could I do that. He later ended up telling me that my rapist had confessed to him and would my mother give them a ride to have the rapist turn himself in! The stupidity is alarming. I had a close friend who fell in love with the rapist a couple months before the rape that told me she didn't believe that he could do such a thing and wanted to hear exactly what happened. I think those two things broke my heart. I would never do anything to ruin someones name and to be told I was lying was like it was all happening again.


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