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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound

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#61 raw&burnt

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Posted 13 July 2004 - 01:46 PM

It's come to a point where I don't tell anyone anymore. The only forum I trust is this one. When I have told someone, it was from the pain I couldn't deal with anymore, only to have a secondary wounding of being discredited.  I lost friends over this, like it were my fault. I was treated like a pariah, like I was spreading some verbal virus. One frienemy took me out to a restaurant to tell me that the mutual frienemy who raped me was going on with his life, that he was happy. Also that I should see a hypnotherapist to help get over "what I believed happened" to me. This was his own intervention to snip me out of the circle so that everyone else could go on with their lives. I was treated like I were the  one causing harm, while he gets away with his act and discredits me. I have so much hate and loathing for some of those people. I still can't believe I was shouted at and told that I was "just being vengeful", like I was some evil witch purposely causing trouble and up to no good. Before even telling anyone, I felt no one would beleive me, that I should keep this to myself until one frienemy confessed that he knew what happened between him and I that day. My only way of figuring this out was that I'd wrote the perpetrator a note and slipped it under his door, telling him my feelings about how he made me feel. Obviously the letter was hidden from him for his protection and I was seen as the villain. Several people were "theorizing" about it together, coming up with their own conclusions. I didn't want to hear how they were gossiping about me. They betrayed me and abandoned me when I needed support. With most crimes, you get over something when you get support, but with a sexual violation, you are abandoned and your scars are aggravated. Without support, you're damaged even more. I was expecting to get over this with support from my friends, but I was terribly wrong. I was treated like I raped someone, like I started this whole mess and had controll over it. I could go on and on about this, but it'll never get out of my system.
I will hate them forever.

#62 marie

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Posted 14 July 2004 - 03:19 AM

I'm not feeling ready to talk about my own experiences right now. But I really feel a strong need to say thank you for starting this thread. And, to everyone here, I do believe you, and I'm very very sorry other people responded in such horribly cruel and abusive ways when you reached out to them for support. They had no right to hurt you, and, as far as I'm concerned, they should no longer have the right to breath.



#63 Guest_TeddyBearAngel_*

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Posted 12 August 2004 - 12:18 PM

Thanks so much for this thread! This is the hardest thing to deal with for me. I never told my family because I knew they would accuse me of lying. My best friend was raped in third grade by her stepdad and when I tried to tell my parents about it my mom said she must be lying and my stepdad said that rape was something that happened in the movies or that I had seen it on TV and was just fantasizing about it. What fucking planet is HE from??? I was eight years old when my friend got raped and I had been being abused for two years by then so after they reacted that way to my friends story I knew I could never tell them and I didn't. I told my friend and she and I still share our pain and help each other. Its wonderful to have her. I never told anyone else until I met my recent boyfriend. He is the one person in my world who cried with me when I told him my story. I asked him why he was crying and he said "Because I can't understand how anyone could do that to someone. What a monster."  :) It was then that I knew that I was safe with him and I could tell him anything. I am glad that I found at least one person who believes me, and weeps for me, and LOVES me!

And on another thought: WHY would ANYONE lie or make up a story about something as HORRID as sexual abuse? Its hard enough for us to tell our story because it is TRUE!

#64 sheblynn

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Posted 23 March 2006 - 01:37 PM

i too am appaled that people could think we are making such things up myself i have been accused of lying the only person (besides posting here) i told was my husband he has said more then one time that i was lying then he said if i told anyone else they might believe i was assulated but they wouldnot believe i was stalked and kidnapped :( so i haven't told anyone cause i don't want to be looked at like a liar

#65 SherriS

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Posted 24 March 2006 - 11:29 PM

This is a wound that is just as hard to heal as the actual abuse itself (in my opinion, not sure how much my opinion counts though...)

#66 Louise

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Posted 25 March 2006 - 01:30 AM

This is a wound that is just as hard to heal as the actual abuse itself (in my opinion, not sure how much my opinion counts though...)

I totally agree, Sherri. I think Aphrodite Matsakis makes that point in her book that a secondary wound can feel as bad if not worse in some ways as the original trauma. Who among us wouldn't have found healing easier if we hadn't had to deal with waves of invalidation and disbelief?

Your opinion counts for a lot hon :)

#67 Guest_Justme2_*

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Posted 25 March 2006 - 11:59 AM

I kind of have the same issue when I wound up in a psych ward. I know what happened to me is real, but I was told I wasn't remotely sexually abused, and I was lying about everything.

I remember this bitch nurse hanging around laughing ( I know I was fucked up but the feelings I was having weren't coming from thin air) and saying, "Is she even human?"

I felt like I was made completely inhuman so that even if it did happen to me it didn't matter.


#68 headface

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Posted 17 August 2006 - 02:04 PM

The psych nurse said that you were lying!?!?!!? That is completely unprofessional...she should be..demoted to janitor.. or something.. lol :) I'm sorry that you had to go through that, especially in what they like to call "a safe envoronment". I also spent some joyous (sarcasm) time in a psych ward and I was lucky to be working with the most compassionate people I've ever met.

#69 shysarah8

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Posted 17 August 2006 - 04:40 PM

My Father In Law disbelieved me

and it really hurts thinking that when i see him again or one day he may ask me to explain or even prove that what happened really happened isnt that terrible im scared , scared shit less i mean what do you say

i could say ' fuck you dont beleive me im not bothered'

but the problem is i am it hurts that people think im lieing what sort of sick person would do that

i shouldnt have to tell my story to lets face it a complete stranger

im scared

any advice is greatly appreciated

hugs sarah

#70 Qmonkey

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Posted 05 September 2006 - 03:28 PM

my mother, who is a survivor herself didn't believe me when I told her about the CSA some years ago. Later I thought she believed me. Because she was attending survivor groups and all kinds of stuff. Then, about 2 years ago, I talked to her and realizzed that she still doesn't believe it. She demands to know *physical* details *puke!!!!!!* to prove it.
That was the moment when I decided I can't have a good relationship with her, ever.


#71 starry

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Posted 05 September 2006 - 10:03 PM

i was never accused of lying literally to my face....but i do know i was ACUSED of it! i was accused of it, because the R stared his best friend in HIS EYES when he lied, so the guy believed that his bestfreind DIDNT LIE TO HIM. this made me UPSET for YEARS!!!!! the "friend" would tell my bestfriend that he knew his bestfriend DIDNT LIE cuz he LOOKED HIM in the eyes...and he claimed his bestfriend NEVER lied to him. i even felt like our Mutual friend believed his lies too.

it made me sick to know that HE was trying to lie to me, and that i caught him in a lie....red handed.

my own mother never accused me of lying, but totally BLAMED me and i felt like our relationship was completely ruined for at least a yr and a half..... i still could never possibly forgive her...and when i visit at home, though it has been years later, i sometimes wonder how i can carry on with life around her as if it never happened. i regret telling anyone in my family, especially my mom.

her lil girl was RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

#72 Kaiya

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Posted 06 September 2006 - 10:36 AM

I've had to deal with people telling me I invented it also...

I've been told plenty of things about both incidents that happened to me...

My best friend told me that whilst she belived that I didn't give consent I had no right to call what happened to me rape becuase I wasn't dragged off the street....
My other friend told me that yeah something happened but not rape....:-S

I've also been told that I must have said yes but forgotten as I was drunk....I was too drunk to give consent..being in and out of conciousness and I know I didnt say yes....

I had same friend tell me it didnt count as he was only inside me for a few mins and he had told he hadnt came.....so if he hadnt ejeculated it wasnt rape :-S

I was told about the second incident that i just shouldnt have let him sleep in my bed...the fact i was already asleep there when the guy got in it (was at a house party) aparantly dosnt matter...

My ex boyfriends mum told me that these things happen to loads of people and there was no point crying about it...

someone also told me that if it happened to them it wouldnt bother them at all...and my ex told me that most of the girls he knew would have woken up and kicked him in the balls and forgot about it....


#73 Stephanie

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Posted 06 September 2006 - 10:39 AM

Hey Kaiya,

I am really sorry you had to hear such rubbish. Rape is not defined by being dragged of the street it is defined by whether a person consented to sex or not so your friends comment makes no sense at all. I hope being here is helping you to disregard all these comments.

Take care


#74 mad_madam_mimi

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Posted 10 September 2006 - 08:23 PM

Does anyone else feel like those newspaper stories about "False memories" make them feel like they're being accused of lying about their own abuse? Whenever I hear someone talk, on tv or in person (or even on-line) about "witch-hunts" and "families destroyed" and all that, I always feel like they're talking to me. And besides, how do they know it isn't true? Just because someone wasn't found guilty in court doesn't mean their accuser is a liar.

Anyway, I always feel like its personal, like the newspaper is calling me a liar...

#75 Kate

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Posted 10 September 2006 - 08:35 PM

Michelle - I feel that way too. It makes me cringe when I hear that because not only does it make me feel bad, it just reinforces those myths in the minds of those who believe them, so they go along in their day happy in the knowledge that they're the right ones - abuse is all just one big lie right? (sarcasm)

Take care


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