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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound


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#46 Cherry Blossom

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 06:06 PM

**T**  language.

Things I heard from friends after the fact:

"You shouldn't have gone off alone."

"Why didn't you scream or fight back?" - I was in shock!

"You must have been giving off the wrong signals." - yeah, I must have had my sign that said 'rape me' pinned to my shirt that day.

"Let's look at this as a learning experience." - I suppose I  needed to learn not to provoke attacks by going off alone and getting undressed in a change room.

"Now you'll know for next time what to do differently" - excuse me?  Next time?  WTF?


My Family (although they've been really good about most of this stuff, sometimes even they can slip a little):

"Stop thinking about it.  It happened.  It's over.  Get on with your life." - I really wish I could you know.

"It wasn't really rape, you know." - maybe not by our country's definition.  But from what I've gathered, in most States, it was rape.

The police:

"There's no evidence on the video tape.  You must have imagined it." - damned liars.  I still can't believe they lied to me.

How to deal?  That's a toughie.  Of course there's tons of support here at Pandy's :)

Plus my family, for the most part, have been real good about supporting me so I guess it's not that bad on my end of things.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this now Lou.  You know you have my support and sincerest hope that one day, the blame will be placed squarely where it belongs:  ON THE RAPIST.

Cherry



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Posted 29 January 2002 - 09:20 PM

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) and love for everyone

*trigger*

When I was a little girl one of my dad's girlfrieds who was very addicted to drugs and an alcoholic, and she was a very very not nice person she knew what my dad was doing to me and she called me a whore told me it was my fault. I was pretty young 4 or 5 I will never forget that though..I remember wondering what the word "whore" meant from the way she said it I knew it was bad but that was all I knew. I don't hate my dad but I hate her.  :( grrrrrr

I'm still tryig to deal with it.  I'm just really really angry.

Michelle


#48 Cira

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Posted 16 January 2003 - 01:40 AM

(((((hugs to everyone)))))

Francesca,
Thanks for boosting this.  This is something that's been on my mind lately.  As anybody who's read my post knows, I'm preparing myself to dive into the unknown & tell my wonderful, loving boyfriend about my past.  I know in my heart, he will respond well & be supportive, but the thought of telling him brings to mind past experiences.  I never told anyone except one person, but my mom found out when she snooped in my room & found a letter to my best friend, the only person I had talked to about it. My mom was depressed, guilt-ridded, etc., etc., etc. & just had to talk about it...with everyone.  At least she believed me about what my brother had done.  This is what I got from other people:

**Read at your own risk.  Previewing this, I was nearly appalled at how often I used the F word.  I apologize.  My BF is a cop & an ex-Marine.  Since being with him, I've learned words I didn't know existed! I was totally sweet & innocent before. ;)  However, I refused to change the post, because this is the way I feel, F word & all.  ESPECIALLY the F word...

"Why didn't you fight harder?"  Because I mentally shut down, you moron.

"Why did you let him do it over & over again?"  Because he choked me & held a knife to my throat.  Pretty persuasive, huh?

"He had a bad childhood, living with his real mother."  Oh, so that gives him the right to make mine miserable?

"It's not really his fault."  WHAT THE FUCK?  Who's fucking fault is it, then?

And from my wonderful sister, who used to be one of my best friends & whom I now haven't talked to in 8 years:

First, she asked if there was penetration, or if he had just felt me up.  I said that yes, there was penetration.  She said she didn't believe me at first.  Then she said that she believed me might've touched me & stuff, but she thought I was lying about the rest, so it really wasn't that bad.  WTF?  Then, she proceeded to tell me it was my fault even if it had happened.  Like, what the #### is her problem?  Why the fuck would she believe about the touching & not the rest?  What sense does that even make?  And how can it not be that bad?  Whether he touched my breasts a couple of times or whether he forced me to have sex, what does it matter?!?!  I DIDN'T WANT IT!!!!  Doesn't that make it wrong?  Thanks so much, sis, I always thought it was wrong for a brother to touch his sister, but now I know that it's really OK, just so long as said brother doesn't force the sister into sex.  'Cause that would be really damaging!  Once again (I just feel the need to say this; sorry for the language) WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  She really covered all her bases, didn't she?  It didn't really happen, but just in case I can somehow prove it did, it was my fault anyway.  What fucking logic.

Sorry about rant, but that did help!  Unfortunately, I was not emotionally prepared to deal with the rejection (like I said, these people didn't know as a result of hearing it from me), so I pretty much just withdrew a little more, which didn't seem possible.  Above are the responses I'd give now, along with the fact that I'd tell my sister to pull her head out of her ass!

Thanks again, Francesca, for boosting this.  You may not have known why you were doing it, but it sure helped me get some frustration out. ~Thanks~

Cira  

 


#49 crazy daisy

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Posted 26 January 2003 - 07:15 PM

Its funny this thread has come up for discussion tonight.
About six months ago i went through PTSD although i couldnt understand it at the time, i didnt sleep for days everytime i did sleep i kept having nightmares so bad i was told by neighbours that they could hear me screaming and shouting.

I was asked if i had been raped but i didnt understand at the time so i said no.

After about a month or so i was watchin tv i started to get flash backs.

Anyways what i mean to say is that my neighbours then started to react differently towards me, started banging my walls and shouting. (By the way my ex-boyfriends cousin is my neighbour :( and it ended badly between us a lot of animosity on his part).

Incidently i was raped the same time we split up by the person he claimed i was two timing him with.
Today i went to my moms and had dinner when i got back i saw a note posted through my letter box from the police saying my windows had been smashed in. :)

I smile because i to cannot cry having gone through ptsd and having all the peices of my csa and rapes fitted into the jigsaw puzzle of my life. I dont know i have been crying for the past 30 years not knowin what for. I always found i could cry at films and feel for others but never myself.

Anyway just trying to fill you in i am drinking a bottle of wine at the mo, so please bear with me.  You just couldnt make up what has been going on for me lately.

Anyway this neighbour has been living in this street longer than i have so i guess he knows afew people (dont worry yes i am going to the police tommorow to report him).

And they have been using this against me trying to get to me and wear me down. over the past six months can you believe it.

If it wasnt for the fact that i have began to peice my life together i would have probably gone under.

But i tried a suggestion of one of the threads the other day on thought field therapy and it has made me feel kinda immune to whats been going on so i apologise if i seem kinda distant or unfeeling.
Guess  it just goes with the terratory.

They have been going all out throwing bricks at my windows kicking our adjoining wall. He or they even wrote with a knife informer on my security door then smashed it a cou[ple of weeks ago, because i confronted him about the banging and called the police. He told me it must of been his tv ( what a cowardly sick bastard).

I'm sorry that we have to go through this i have also just started to tell a few people, and have received a mixed responce.  

but i couldnt control my ptsd so i really dont know what i could do to please them. Thats why i feel therre must be more to this than  meets the eye.  I feel like i'm being raped all over again, or viciously bullied for something out of my control.

I know my story sounds weird but believe me i have ommitted the really weird and discusting things that have happened this past six months like him leaving dog shit outside my windows he has a dog a rottwiller.

I thankfully have faced my true fears with the help of books and councelling and am just waiting for a brighter day.

Thinking of you all through these trying times.  


#50 auditorium

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Posted 19 May 2003 - 05:21 PM

Rachel you need to tell someone remember this no matter what happens after it is better than never telling at all... tell a close friend or maybe even a teacher... but YOU NEED TO TELL SOMEONE! stay strong girl

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Posted 17 July 2003 - 07:22 PM

i was called a liar multiple times.

**read with discretion**

age 6 :  after i was r***d, i went back into class and tried to tell the teacher.  i didnt know what happened to me really (i was just 6).  i stopped at the bathroom to wash off the blood.  anyway, when i got back to class, she told me she saw me coming back from the playground and go into the bathroom for about an hour (how she didnt see what happened, i dont know, or maybe she didnt care).  when i told her i was hurt by these 2 guys (again, i didnt know the word), she said i was just lying and had no reason to cry.  she made me sit in the corner and think about the mistake i made coming back to the class a few hours late.  and that it wasnt right to interrupt everyone else's learning because i wanted to play a little while longer.

age 10 : this foster kid staying with my grandma mo****ed me.  when i told my grandmother, she called me a liar.  she told me i looked like a boy, so why would a 14-yr-old boy want to touch me.  and since i wasnt crying, nothing happened.  she sent me to my room and told me to think about what it meant to make false accusations.
a few days later, he r***d me.  i gave him this huge gash (i used a sharp stick) and when i ran into the house to get away, he had told my grandmother on me.  he buried the knife he had and told my grandma it was mine (and that's how he got the huge cut).  i told her it wasnt, but of course, she didnt believe me, and went to see the knife.  she punished me and made me apologize to him for hurting him so badly.  
then the bastard tries to mo***t my younger sister, and i stop him.  my grandma accused me of watching it happen and wanting to join in.  she called me a whore and accused me of wanting his attention, and that i'd even lie to get it.  i literally punched her and called her everything in the book i could.  i couldnt believe what she had done.  it made me sick.  sorry.
my dad was out in the Med somewhere (he was on sea duty for the navy) and my mom was up in Norfolk trying to get us into housing.

age 16 : i dont wanna say anything about that yet.  but i got detention, a gun on me, and almost killed if we didnt move.

age 22 : i was given Special K (drug) in my drink without me knowing.  when i tried to tell people, it was horrible.  when i told a couple friends (who i thought were, anyway), they said since i was asleep, it wasnt rape since i couldnt fight back, and i just need to stop whining.  that i was lying cuz i just wanted to cover up a mistake i made (i dunno about anyone else, but i always cover up mistakes by saying i was r***d).  "if you were drugged, how do you know?"  (the fact that i woke up in the middle of it).  and that girls like me are always throwing the word "rape" around for fun.  it goes on and on like that, trust me...

but yah, it really is hard to keep defending yourself when the people dont wanna listen, they just wanna criticize.  it's no wonder i havent really told anyone about what's happened to me.

@--`---
~kaga~


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Posted 29 January 2002 - 01:21 PM

(((((Lou)))))

It just sucks. I'm sorry for all those awful things said to you, that must have felt like a slap in your face and a stab in your heart.  And I was really struck by what you said about how it's not about me really, it's about people's ignorance and/or cruelty.  I'm going to try to remember that.

I haven't really told many people.  My mother accused me when I was a teenager of "spending too much time" with my stepfather, and she had an insane jealousy and behaved competitively towards me...she was hateful towards me, like I was trying to steal her husband. She taunted me about my "special relationship" with him, like I really must be such a sex-crazed whore to always want to spend so much time with him.....she really messed with my head, to put it simply.  It was so hard and confusing to hear my mom saying these things, and I will never understand why.....so many whys.  Why was it easier to say those things than for her to acknowledge the abuse and help her child?  I'll never understand....It was somehow easier for her to unleash her rage on me than on him, even though I had told her when I was nine years old what he was doing.  She's still got her head in the clouds, to this day.  I just don't even bother with trying with her, anymore.  I never mention any of it.  I seek support elsewhere.  

You're right, it is a secondary wound, and a subject that really needs discussion.  So many times, we are re-traumatized by those in our lives who are supposed to love and support us.  I know it's hard on our loved ones sometimes, dealing with us, but God knows we don't need extra guilt unfairly heaped on us.  It's just so very confusing and hard to understand.  I'm tired and rambling, so I'll stop now.  Love you, Lou.

((((safe hugs))))

Tash


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Posted 29 January 2002 - 05:44 PM

music is my way of relating to the world around me..and after reading these posts, I'm reminded of a song, "Before You Were Born" by Toad the Wet Sprocket....

"Goddamn the wounds that show how deep a word can cut."  

No one seems to realize that a word, a single word such as "Liar" or "Bitch" can hurt far worse than any slap or punch.  I know it's true for me.  I was recently accused of lying and I #### near lost my head.  I was a raving lunatic.  I said call me crazy, call me stupid, but don't you ever dare to call me a liar.  I do not lie.  I cannot lie because I'm terrible at it.  I know the cost of lying.  I know the pain it causes.  It's just not worth it to me.  My brother, my abuser, lies so naturally he doesn't know the truth any more.  He lies just cos he can.

Ugh..I'm sorry, the more I think about being called a liar (and I'm referring to all of us) it drives me batty.  Man...I'm really pissed here.  My mom was abused physically, emotionally, verbally and I think sexually.  My grandmother was abused verbally and psychologically (she was told that she killed her baby sister).  I dont get how ...how people can accuse someone of making this up.  Okay, If I'm gonna lie, it'll be about that dress you're wearing, not about my past.

But recently..mom and i were talking.  she said she wishes she could go back and be in her twenties again.  I said, without thinking, that i wish i oculd be a little kid again.  With sorrow in her voice she said "No you don't. You had such a horrible childhood." For her to admit that stunned me.  I don't shut up easily, but she got me there :)

"Just do your best, do everything you can and don't you worry 'bout what their bitter hearts are gonna say.  It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.  Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be all right."  The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

I'm no more a liar than any of you here :)

Kelly


#54 els

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Posted 30 January 2002 - 01:40 AM

This thread made me feel so raw last night that I went into hiding in my bed...
Yet now this morning I come back to it...

Silly me... of course it still makes me feel raw...

So I'm sorry, I can't really type much more, it's not that I don't want to share, this just hurts too much

Els.


#55 Francesca

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Posted 15 January 2003 - 08:39 PM

I'm boosting this because...just because....

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Posted 29 January 2003 - 10:12 AM

I am much confused.  Thsi topic is definately been helpful.  I still haven't been able to read the whole thing, I have to leave for class soon.
But I was wondering about WHY DID I STAY WITH HIM? WHY DID I CONTINUE TO LET HIM? are there explanations for this?  I was with this guy for a year, and it was ####.  He manipulated me, and used his religion to make me pity him.  He said that the devil attacked him with lust because he was such a good person, and was a threat to the devil.  AFter he would do anything to me, He would weep adn start praying for forgiveness.  I always sympathized with him and felt sorry for him.  So I would actualyl tell him it was my fault too becasue I LET him. I used to be a nice person, I guess that was the fall, I don't know.  I'm really confused.  He doesn't think he did anything wrong because I LET him.  WHY DID I LET HIM!!!????  I HATE HIM.  I feel like I'm crazy, unstable, dangerously violent....my current boyfriend, he is so wonderful.  But I scare him, it's the worst feeling.

(Edited by AsukaB at 10:19 pm on Jan. 29, 2003)


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Posted 20 May 2003 - 09:05 PM

(Edited by Saphirejd54 at 12:03 am on July 11, 2003)


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Posted 13 July 2003 - 01:38 AM

My greatest fear was if/when I told that no one would believe me. I was lucky because when I finally did tell (2 years after it had happened), I was in a Childrens Psychiatric Hospital and they were 'trained' to believe me. But my parents had a hard time believing me, though they have (luckily) come to realize it was true. However, my stupid sister still doesn't believe me.
My parents don't believe me about the second rape or my pregnancy with Adrian, though they're starting to realize that it just might be true.
The biggest run in with the whole "Your lying" thing is with two of my friends. After the second rape, about a month after it, shortly after I found out, I knew I had to tell someone, I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. So I told about 5 of my friends (I think just about all the girls in high school (13) know about it now) and asked for their help.
If they hadn't supported me at the time, I would be dead right now. After I lost the second baby, about a week or two after,  I took 30 aspirin. I was talking to one of them on the internet while I was writting the note and they guessed it, even though they didn't say anything until the next day. I had been talking to the RAINN crisis hotline in my area recently and had talked to them earlier that day. They had said they would call back before 10, I called them around 4. Then the bast@rd who raped me called. That set me over the edge and before I knew it I was counting out 15 pills. Later, I figured out that they weren't 'working', so I counted out 15 more and took them. The crisis center called back an hour after I'd taken the last 15 pills. That's why I'm alive.


Ne how,
A few months after that, two of my friends started treating me like $hit. They wouldn't tell me why and started playing mind games. I hate that.
Finally, one night on the internet, I was chatting with some friends when one of them signed on. I will say hi even if I hate you, so of course I said hi. She said hi.
Me: Hi
Friend #1: hi
Me:Sup?
Friend #1:nm
Friend #1: Do u smoke weed?
Me:y?
(Her mom was a dispatcher at the police station, of course  now my dad's a cop, but I was not sure I wanted to tell her that I had before)
Friend #1: just wondering
Friend #1: Cause I smoke week all of the time
I figure that I could tell her I had before.
Friend #1: So do u smoke weed?
Me: yeah, I do, I have since I was 13. I was actually considered a pot head in *my home town*(sorry I can't give the name in this post, I'm also not gonna mention names)
Friend #2 is added to the coversation
Friend #1: You there *friend number 2*?
Friend #2:hi
Me:hi
A few more things were said, and, unfortionetly, I could see where it was going. My veiws were soon realized.
Friend #1: Jennie, why do you always f#cking lie?
I was trying to remain calm as far as they could tell, even though I was hystarical and crying as I was typing.
Me: What exactly have I lied about?
Friend #1: We know everything
Friend #2: We know everything about you.
Me: Oh, you do
Me: So what all do you know about me?
Friend #1: We know everything, we're the queens of knowing everything
Friend #2: Why are you always telling lies?
Me: What exactly have I lied about?
Friend #1: you know I'm pregnant
Me: Oh
I was choosing to keep an open mind, incase, for some reason, they were reaching out, even though I saw exactly where it was going.
Me: How far along are u?
Friend #1: I don't know, like a month or something
Me: So what are you gonna do?
Friend #1: Keep the freakin kid!
Me: That's cool
Friend #1: you're so freakin gullible!
Me: o
Me: so ur not preg?
Friend #2: No duh
Me: do you think I'm lying about being pregnant?
Friend #2: I don't know, what do you think?
Me: Do you?
Friend #1: What the #### are we supposed to think?
Me: y would I lie about something like that?
Me: y the #### did I take 30 aspirin?
Me: I made the worst choice in the world when I did that and I hurt a lot of people
Friend #1: No kidding
Friend #2: maybe u just wanted attention
Friend #1: Why did u lie about it?
Me: You don't know what your getting into
Friend #2: what do you mean, what are you gonna do go crazy like Carrie 2 the Rage?
Me: no, why the #### would you say something like that? Do you really think I'm that psychotic
Me: what I mean is that is a subject that I don't like to talk about because it upsets me a lot
Me: You try going through it and not say not to open that subject up when you DON'T want to talk about it
Me: I was pregnant and lost my baby and now ur accusing me of lying about it?
Me: Have you ever been pregnant?
Friend #1: yeah, once
Me:What did you do? (friend number one never answered)
Friend #2: I'm pregnant
Me: oh
Friend #2: yeah, the guy lives in *town*
Me: so what are you gonna do?
Friend #2: I'm moving in like 2 weeks to go and live with him
Me: do ur parents know?
Friend #2: not yet
Me: o
Friend #1: I'm here for ya *friend #2*
Me: Right
Friend #1: We know everything Jennie, we're not stupid (I smirk about that now)
Me: o
They called me a liar a few more times in various forms.
Friend #1: I gtg
Friend #1: I'll talk to you later
Friend #1: We'll talk later *friend #2*
Friend #1: I'm here for ya *friend number 2*
Me: bye
Friend #2:cya later *friend #1*
Then friend #1 left the conversation
Me: *friend #2* I can't believe u didn't believe me when I asked you for help.
Friend #2: then why are you lying all the time?
Me: Why are you doing this?
Friend #2: We're just trying to help you
Me: then help me by believing me when I tell the TRUTH
Me: or don't help me because then I don't want ur help
Me: I came to YOU for help
There was silence for a while
Friend #2: I've got to go
Me: Right
Me: ttyl
Me: good luck with the pregnancy
I signed out before they had a chance to talk back.

The next day one of them called me a liar in not so many word, bringing up the whole pot thing. We were in the locker room. After both of them left, I tried to kill my locker. Actually I just threw my gym clothes and shoes in it as hard as I could and then slammed the door. Another girl asked what was wrong, but then she asked if she wanted to know. I said that she didn't.
These two girls liked to cause problems. Things settled down a bit and one of them finally talked to me on the internet. She said that she wasn't pregnant and I said I know. I asked if we were still friends and she said, Uh....yeah. But they were still being stupid. So finally I asked a mutal friend, who bought my pregnancy test and knew for a fact that I was pregnant, what was up with them.
She got mad (at them). I'm guessing she confronted them about it, because the next day friend #2 wrote lier (misspelled) on my locker poster. It made me SOOOOO mad. I wanted to rip it off, but couldn't, my ulcers decided to give me a run for my money. I went downstairs and called my mom to bring my medicine. I was just shaking. I ran into my school couselor and asked if she had any white out. I showed her what was written and corrected the spelling. I decided to leave it. It was stupid, they were being idiots.
We never really resolved it, but they left me alone about it. But it has always been a fear of mine that no one would believe me. I HATE it. I wish people would just f%ck off!

Sorry that was so long, I've been wanting to get that whole story out for a long time.



#59 rinoa

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Posted 07 July 2004 - 07:51 AM

8 months after it happened, I finaly plucked up the courage to report the deputy head to the headmistress.

As I began to say what happened, she sat there, arms crossed, glaring at me, her lips pinched like she was sucking a lemon.

I'd only been talking about 2 mins, hadn't gotten very far in when she snorted/sniggered and said:

"well what did he think he was going to do to you?"

I replied that I hadn't known. I didn't get any further with my story.

She said to me:

" I don't believe you are telling me the truth"

She also said

" I don't want you to talk about this to anyone".

THEN, she finally called my mum, to tell her I had made an allegation about a member of staff.

When my mum arrived, the head told us that I would be "removed" from school for "my own safety" (odd, since she 'didn't believe anything had happened', and that under no circumstances was I to speak to any of my school friends.

I will never forget her final words to me as I left the room:

" I think there are things going on inside you head that are not real".

I was only 15 at the time. Her words will haunt me forever. They silenced me for 6 years.

Every time I have to talk about/choose to talk about it, I hear her words ringing in my ears, telling me she didn't believe me and that I mustn't talk about it.

See you in court 'miss'.


rinoa x


#60 smalls

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Posted 07 July 2004 - 01:17 PM

My mom told me that she didn't believe me.  She believes the sex was consensual and that I wasn't raped.  My cousin said the exact same thing when I told her.

My mom and dad have asked and told me things like:

-"it's your body, you don't have to let someone do anything you don't want them to do"   i didn't let him.
-"why didn't you tell somebody after the first time it happened?"  because i was scared and ashamed
-"why didn't you kick him in the balls?"  i was lying face down and he was on top of me...it's hard to kick someone when you're in that position.



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