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"You're Lying" - Terrible Secondary Wound


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#16 Guest__*

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 01:05 PM

((((((Lou))))))))


Could be *T*

For years I kept my secret, thinking that I was protecting my mother.  Then one night about a year or two ago, I came very, VERY close to giving in and ending it all.  Instead of doing that I blurted some of my story out.  My mom looked at me in dismay and said "Are you sure you didn't dream this up?"  "Are you sure you're not lying?"  Those were the very words I was terrified of hearing.  I lost it, vowing then nad there never to tell her another thing.  And I haven't.  I still can't forget those first words.  True, I gave her a shock, but she could have THOUGHT before she spoke.  

I told my half-sister, who was abused when SHE was a child.  her response was to compare my pain to hers and to tell me WHY her's was worse.  it made me feel so small.  So alone.

I told a friend and she said "Can we talk about something else?  This is disgusting."  I didn't know what to do.  I hung up on her and started punching the walls while screaming and crying.  I can still feel that pain, how betrayed I felt.  

My best friend said "Move on, it happened when you were a kid and it doens't matter now.  YOu're just making a mountain out of a mole hill."  My best friend.  What would my enemies say?  He still tells me to move on and forget about it, that other people suffer worse.

I have heard every reason as to WHY i should have told, but no one understands my reasons for not.

I believed him when he said he would kill me.  He killed my pets, so why wouldn't he kill me?  Yes, he was my brother.  Yes, he was a child himself.  But he thought NOTHING of tying me to a chair and setting my skin on fire.  He thought nothing of pressing lit sparklers in my back or of holding me under water until I passed out.  I lived in a constant state of fear.  I believed him.  He used to hide under my bed with a knife.  Why wouldn't he kill me?  Why DIDN'T he kill me?

No one would have believed me.  My brother is a very charming sociopath.  He can convince you the world is ending, all while wearing a smile on his face.  He told my mohter, hwen I was 8, that I "LET" him do things. Let him.  I was 8, he was 13/14.  Who let who here?  

It hurt being ignored.  To me, it validated that I desevered it.  He stabbed me with a pair of kitchen sissors, bad enough that I had to, in later life, have three surgeries to repair damage.  BUT i'm to blame.  I made it up.  I should move on.

And this is hard to share...

When I was 7, he told me that he'd kill someone I loved if I ever told.  Though I never told her, I think she suspected.  I mean come on, I wore long sleeves in the summer, and was covered in bruises.  But she probably thought it was my mom or dad.  Anyway, she used to pull me aside, give me hugs, and tell me that I was special.  She said if I ever needed to talk, that she'd be there.  I believed her.  But one day I came to school to learn that she had been murdered by her boyfriend.  I thought it was my brother and he didn't bother to tell me otherwise.

But I was lying.  I was making it up.  her death so traumatized me that I forgot she ever existed.  But whenever I heard the song "Candle on the Water" (which she sung to me), I broke down sobbing.  I still can't hear that song and not cry.

Just to remind me NOT to tell he burned the one place down that i felt safe.  Put all my toys in there (a fort) and burned it down.  Who could I tell?  How do you confess when you live in the middle of dysfunction?  My mom was emotionally abusive and psychological abusive..could i really have turned to her?  No.  not then, and maybe still not now.

But I was lying.  #### it, I don't lie.  I know what it's like to be lied to.  he told me he'd never hurt me.  

Sorry...i rambled too long and I'll shut up.


#17 Guest__*

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 01:28 PM

This isn't the same but is related i think

I never told anyone before coming here, but once I tried telling my bestfriend. I started kindof bringing up how I felt being physical with guys, how I didn't enjoy it. I didn't identfy what happened to me as r*pe at that point, my plan was to bring it up slow and then ask her what she thought about what happened to me.

She told me it was normal to not enjoy being physical with a guy the first time or the first few times. So I figured there must be something wrong with me for thinking there was something wrong about what happened to me. I didn't bring it up again.


samantha

(Edited by samantha at 2:23 pm on Aug. 16, 2002)


#18 Guest__*

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 03:34 PM

why is it that so many of us who suffered through childhood abuse are victimized again? not just in the sense of not being believed (thankfully you were, Little Sunshine), but in the actual physical sense???  Since my brothers nad their friends i have fought off three would-be rapists.  Okay do i have some neon sign on my head???  grrrrrr

Kelly


#19 nature_mommy

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 05:36 PM

i just wanted to say that this is one of my huge problems and i dont know how to deal with it i just still feel it is my fault and maybe i am lying but then why everytime i see an older guy with little kids do i think, oh that is not right. i just thought that today and i had to remind myself that not everyone is bad like that.

the person who most accused me of lying was my ex and he kept saying if it really happened then i would have told.
finally i couldn't talk about it anymore.
until just before we broke up he started to bring my rape up and i told him to not even go there and he flipped out yelling and screaming at me and told me to say i was sorry which i was just dumbfounded right there, thinkign what in the world did i do that needs apologizing so instead he took me home, tried to call me from a pay phone up the road and ask me to come back with him, i just calmly said no.

but its a very tiring problem with me, why do i have to blame myself???? why cant it all just be over, im too tired to go on.
sorry i'll shut up now.


#20 Guest__*

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 07:48 PM

Wow.... ((((all))))

I'm in awe of all of you.. who have posted here and have endured so much undeserved and unnecessary violation. You are all brave, all strong, and all worthy of treatment so much better than you have experienced.

Lou, you know, I think one of the best ways to deal with revictimization like this is to do as you've encouraged us to - to wait until the hurt is a little less severe, and to vent... to tell what people have done to us... and experience the healing that comes when others "like us" read and share and offer support.


***Trigger cause I may have a potty mouth... and other content****


That said... I've heard a few doozies. I was very, very lucky to live with a group of young women at the time of my rape that treated me with the utmost compassion - from offering me a place in their room to sleep, so i wouldn't have to be where it happened, to tracking down the bastard at a hotel and grabbing his license plate number, should I ever choose to prosecute.

Others weren't so kind.

It took me over a year to tell my mom. Her response? Just what I expected. "Where you a virgin? Why can't you just make this go away?"

I had a friend tell me a year later that I needed to get past it. As if it were that easy. She was the friend there with me that night - who left me to go home with his buddy, leaving me without a drive... and a little more vulnerable.

Someone I thought was a good friend decided that since I didn't want to tell the whole world or prosecute, I was making it up - that I was making, as someone else has heard, "a mountain out a molehill". I will never, ever forgive his insensitiveness.

The police officer who heard my complaint told me that because I let him into my room and gave him my phone number, I didn't really have a complaint. Excuse me? He weighed more than 100 pounds more than me, had a friend with him, and he'd just finished raping me? I was going to refuse him something? Come on.

Finally.. an exercise I am capable of doing now that the pain is a bit less... Many of you have seen what Carolyn Flores is doing to others - now it's my turn to refute her "claims" here...

"She surely would have had the option of working with a different officer, or of making a complaint about the "bad cop" to the head of the department"  -  Afraid not. I wanted to, as did the trauma counselor who attended the meeting with me, but the department refuses to accept these complaints.

"That she herself "lacked confidence in what happened" raises the possibility that the "rape" was merely consensual sex that she subsequently regretted"  -  How many of us walk around thinking that we will one day be raped? Does the fact that I took an immediate scalding shower, did laundry at 4 a.m. to wash out all of the bloodstains, scrubbed blood out of my carpet, and was found shaking and in tears and hour later on the phone with one of my closest friends long distance resemble the behaviour of someone who just finished having "consensual" sex? Good god woman.. get your inflated head out of your ass.

"Not only did Brianna fail to make the report of rape in a timely manner, her first report of the rape was made to the hospital"  -  Actually, if she knew the whole story, she'd know my first complaint was made just a couple of days later, when I finally conceded to leave the apartment and let a friend walk me to the student counseling services where I received a session of rape trauma counseling.

"That she may have ended up not liking what occurred does not excuse the fact that she allowed it to occur. Nor does the fact that she may have experienced bleeding if she was a virgin. "  -  Okay.. this.. my friends.. is utter, utter bullsh*t. Number one - God, I can't even respond to the first sentence. It's so ridiculous, absurd, and ignorant that it doesn't deserve the effort of typing in a response. The second part - ah, yes.. most virgins spend a fucking WEEK bleeding after their first experience of sex.. most of them cannot sit for DAYS.. most of them have an incredible bloodstain on their floor that will never be entirely removed.. yes... consensual all the way.


You know.. she accuses me of being a liar... of "liking" it.. but I think she's the liar... I mean, come on... liking it? She's the one who married a fucking two-time rapist... She married a man who runs contrary to all of her stats and claims. As a close friend pointed out to me - She couldn't even marry a good piece of scum.. she had to choose someone rated a disastor by even her own standards.


God.. feels so good to give out a bit of what I've had to take...

Damnit... I WAS RAPED, I SURVIVED, AND I AM GOING TO FIGHT!


#21 Guest__*

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 09:07 PM

Okay as i know this is a big *T* for me even just thinking about what ppl said to me i am gonna type it real fast and just hit send.

*****T******* Sewer mouth

My best friend at the time said:

"That i deserved it"

"That i was a slut and a whore bitch" (my first time, hows that for friendship?

"That if it happend again i still deserved it all"

"That it was my fault that i got pregnant"

"That i was a liar, and it was just sex"

"That if i was preg i wouldnt have drank and drugged it away"

(FUCKING BITCH...grrr...)

My other friends said.....

"Hmm maybe your right *friends name*"

They believed i deserved it too, i remember hearing a mutual friend tell another friend that he would like to do the same exact thing to me because i was easy? Yea ok.

My Brother said...

Quoted, cause i cant forget it and when i look at him or hear his voice it will ALWAYS be the very first thing i think about.."You arent nothing but a slut, you hear me a slut...coem on whore.."

Well those were fighting words because i gave him a real good blackeye for it afte ri tackled him.....

Okay its out and i am ducking out of this thread now.

Excellent thread Lou as always.....((((((Hugs to all))))))

Love Donnie =)

(Edited by dreamerNdisguiz at 10:07 pm on Jan. 29, 2002)


#22 Guest__*

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Posted 30 January 2002 - 03:04 AM

 Yep Yep ... know how it feels once it's out.  My parents knew about what happened when I was younger.  It was always lovely to feel like I was nothing but garbage from the two people who are supposed to love me.  (Gotta love the dripping sarcasm.)  Because of their treatment of me the first time, I never told them the 2nd time nor do I plan on it anytime in the future.  THis is part of the reason I live approx 750 miles away or approx 14 hr drive.  

#23 Louise

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Posted 31 January 2002 - 05:13 AM

((((((((((Friends))))))))))))))

I ache for what you have heard; things which validated anything but your pain. I believe you.

Love

Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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Posted 03 February 2002 - 10:24 AM

I was wondering if you could direct me to where I might find the study by David Finklehor & Kirsti Yllo?  I was also raped by a partner and have had the most difficult time with healing.  It seems like therapist deal much better with rape by strangers than by husbands or partners.  Please email me at abeiling@ibcusa.com with the information for this study.  It sounds like it may be helpful.  Thanks so much!

#25 Francesca

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Posted 16 January 2003 - 01:33 PM

***might T***

I get 'the look' a lot. That look of 'Yeah, uh huh, sure, right....' only because of one reason. I didn't report it. Technically...I think I could have won in court, but I just didn't WANT to deal with any of it and their were other reasons, but honestly...I didn't want everyone being able to look at me and what happened and make judgements about me. I was humiliated and I just didn't know what to do. My T told me that since i didn't talk about it I must be okay with it. I couldn't believe that crap. I am NOT okay with it. Just because I don't go around talking about it every second...just because I don't wallow in self pity...just because I can make love with my boyfriend...just because I can watch a show or movie and laugh...just because I don't panic every time I see a man....does NOT mean I'm okay with it. It just means I'm not controlled by it 24/7. I'm tired of being told I'm not upset enough or hurt enough or scared enough! Well f*ck all those people! They don't know what is going on in my head! They don't know that deep down I AM terrified sometimes. I'm just sick of all of the crap. *I* didn't do anything wrong. Nobody deserves the sick sh*t that was forced upon me. Nobody...


#26 NotYetHealed

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Posted 11 March 2003 - 07:36 AM

~ up, up and away for the newcomers ~

#27 auditorium

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Posted 18 May 2003 - 08:51 PM

i am only 13.. I told that i was raped the day after it happend i am a very strong individual but what people said was horrible I have absouloutly no friends..even the teachers harrass me they say i lie.. WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD I LIE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT! i get called a whore i get hit the after math was almost worse than the rape.. sometimes i wonder would it have been better if i hadnt told anyone

#28 Lora

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 05:29 PM

I have hd a number of people say some of the standard "stupid" things, but only two people outright accused me of lying.  The first was my former pastor (!) who thought that I had just gotten myself into a "situation" and that if I had REALLY been raped at knifepoint, I would have reported it.  The second was by the (former) "friend" in whose kitchen I was attacked.  My t. and I have talked a couple of times about why she accused me of lying (allegedly to get attention), and how (or whether) she could really possibly believe that I lied since SHE was the one who had to clean the blood/urine/semen mess off of her kitchen floor a day later...

I have tried to just write these people off as insensitive jerks (and, in the latter case, probably someone in serious denial about something like that beging able to happen in her own home), but the accusation still cuts deeply.

Lora


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Posted 10 July 2003 - 05:57 PM

Rachel, congratulate yourself for having the courage to come forward about it, and feel sorry for the very ignorant and dispicable people who have the nerve to accuse you of wrong-doing when you were definitely not at all at fault.

I hope there are some who stand by you, but if not, they weren't your friends to start out with.  I changed schools, maybe that would be a possibility for you.  Find intelligent others who don't go around believing lies and myths, but who check out the facts, and behave like civilized adults.  They might be worthy of being your friend.  the question isn't whether or not you deserve to be friends with any of these people; the question is whether they deserve to be friends with you.      


#30 Laney

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Posted 29 January 2002 - 01:06 PM

((((Lou))))

I am sorry that you had to hear all of those terrible things.  I am so glad that you are at a point in your life that you can realize those people are idiots.

I know just the thing you are talking about.  people often ask why i stayed with my ex for so long if he hurt me.  IF?!?!?!?!  yeah.  sure.  Most of those people are thankfully out of my life.

When I told my mother that I was pregnant, and that I had been raped, she told me to "Stop hiding behind the word rape"  she was #### bent to believe I had an affair.  (she still thinks that)

Yesterday I had a 2nd birthday party for Patrick.  Both Dave's (my fiance) family, and Johns(patrick's dad) family was there.  John's mother made some stupid comment about how I should "stop flaunting my affair with Dave in everyone's face."  she went on to say that she didn't believe I was raped in the first place.  it was a "scheme" that Dave and I cooked up so we could be together.  Lou, when you said <i>"I know that it used to make me have flashbacks to him on top of me, and I would feel the worst shame. I used to go bright red and just crawl away and find a corner to cry in." </i>  Yup, that is basically what I did.  Instead of telling her where to shove it, I just left my house.  Ran away.  Luckily for me, the others who were there wern't content to let her go unpunished.  :)

Thanks for bringing this up Lou, I think it could really help us all feel less shamed.

(((hugs)))

Laney




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