It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise - Pandora's Aquarium

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It Wasn't Your Fault - An Exercise from The Courage to Heal Workbook

#16 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 15 August 2003 - 11:13 PM

it was my fault cos i drank too much
it was my fault that i didnt scream
it was my fault cos i flirted w/ him a bit
it was my fault cos he mustve seen in me someone who could be taken advantage of
it was my fault cos i had an orgasm
it was my fault cos i didnt report it

oooo, i like these better...

-it wasnt my fault...my drinking doesnt give anyone the right to take what they please from my body
-it wasnt my fault...i dont know why i didnt scream...maybe i was ashamed to be in that position, maybe i was afraid noone would help, maybe i was so drunk(or scared) it didnt occur to me to scream(thats a hard one)
-it wasnt my fault...i have every right to flirt a bit, i still do it shamelessly today
-it wasnt my fault...he didnt see someone he could take advantage of, no way, he saw someone he could physically overpower
-it wasnt my fault...my body responded normally and naturally...i fought it w/ every fiber of my being. i wish id never recalled that.
-it wasnt my fault...i didnt want anyone to know, i wanted it to go away, if i drug it out like that it would likely never have gone away.
yay!...lets try another...i may not be able to.

-it was my fault cos i consented to sex. i didnt specify vaginal.
-it was my fault cos i stayed w/ him.
-it was my fault cos i continued to have sex w/ him. i shouldve known by then.
-it was my fault cos i never reported it.
-it was my fault cos i let him take advantage of me.
-it was my faul tcos i shouldve fought him harder.

jeezus, that was hard... now...
-it wasnt my fault...vaginal and a. sex are two completely different things, different experiences, that require specific consent, not specific denial.
-it wasnt my fault...i was trying to cope, i denied that it was rape for a long time...i had to be in control, being raped does not put me in control. i was coping. i was surviving.
-ok, that one's hard...i guess i just hoped it would be different. delusion doesnt make it my fault.
-it was not my fault...he was the father of my children, not wanting my source of income to go to prison(yeah right, im in texas)is normal
-it was not my fault...i didnt allow anything.
-it was not my fault...sometimes i fought as hard as i could, and if i didnt, i was terrified, or apathetic, not consenting. im 5'1, 110-120lbs, he's 5'11, 200lbs. not bloody good odds for me.

(ok.....i guess i post it now)
that was great, im gonna print it later...
-holly

#17 Francesca

Professor of Bitchology and Gettin' Ugly

Group: Member
Posts: 2,394
Joined: 10-December 02

Posted 06 January 2003 - 11:28 AM

You know...I have read every single post on here. As soon as I saw this thread...I knew I'd be in trouble...and I am. I have tried numerous times to do this exercise and I'm ashamed to say...I can't think of any reasons why it wasn't my fault. I mean...any of it. I tried it with the instances of my CSA. I tried it with my assaults in college, after college, with J. I even tried to do this exercise thinking of my last attack. I'm just stuck. I'm saddened to say that I CAN'T do it. I'm usually so quick to reply to threads, but this one is just completely out of my grasp. I know I'm angry about it too. I just can't figure out if I'm mad at me or them. Every time I try to think of why it's not my fault...I cut myself off, afraid of...making excuses....see? Like I said...totally out of my grasp. I'll continue to work on it though.

#18 Lis

ex-patriot

Group: Member
Posts: 3,645
Joined: 12-April 01

Posted 09 May 2001 - 10:21 PM

I will even go first.

It was my fault because....

1. It was really my fault because I had a crush on him and had flirted with him a lot before he raped me.
2. It was really my fault because I was stupid and went out with him alone at night to a deserted place.
3. It was really my fault because I didn't actually recognize that it was rape until three years after it, so it must not really have been rape.
4. It was really my fault because I needed attention really badly during that time in my life. Maybe negative attention was better than none at all.
5. It was really my fault because I had been abused before this. It seems to be a pattern with me. Maybe there is just something wrong with me.
6. It was really my fault because the kids at school told me it was.

It wasn't my fault because...

1. It wasn't my fault because just because I had a crush on him, didn't mean that I wanted to have sex with him.
2. It wasn't my fault because I trusted him. He is the one who broke my trust and did something wrong. He is the one who should feel shame.
3. It wasn't my fault because I pushed it away because I didn't have the ability to deal with what happened. It was too emotionally damaging to recognize what happened while still living in the place it occured.
4. It wasn't my fault because I didn't want THAT kind of attention.
5. It wasn't my fault because none of the abuse was my fault. Just because it happened more than once, doesn't mean I was any less the victim.
6. It wasn't my fault because the people at school were mean and made me feel like a slut, but what happened to me was rape, and my abuser told people it was consentual to make himself feel better.

Lis

#19 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 10 May 2001 - 07:39 AM

Lis,
thanks for posting that exercise. I'm going to try it for my last attack.
1. It was really my fault because I knew what he was capable of and let him in my house anyway.
2. It was really my fault because I had let him overpower me before.
3. It was really my fault because I didn't fight back hard enough.
4. It was really my fault because I believed he could have changed.
5. It was really my fault because when he asked me if I was alone, I said yes.
6. It was really my fault because I was flattered by his compliments.

1. It wasn't my fault because and invitation into my house is not an invitation to hurt me.
2. It wasn't my fault because he is strong, there is no way I could overpower him.
3. It wasn't my fault because if I had faught harder, he probably would have hurt me more.
4. It wasn't my fault because being alone does not give him the right to hurt me.

Like Hilary I am still having a hard time with the not my faults. That was alot harder than I thought it would be.

((hugs))
Melanie

#20 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 13 May 2001 - 06:54 AM

*Hugs* to you all..

Lis that exercise was a great idea!!! I definitely hope you post some more of them. The truth, I just tryed to do it, and found that the my faults came too easily, and I got so overwhelmed that I couldn't bring myself to do the other part (and I know its the part that's supposed to help) but I will do it, it made me realise just how much of an issue self blame is for me.... so thanks.
Bill, I am sorry I havent had a chance to catch up with you for awhile, and no matter what, it was never your fault. It's okay to want and need attention. I know you are finding things difficult right now, but please hang in there.. Give yourself some time, we are all here for you when you are able to open up a little more.

#21 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 22 June 2001 - 01:43 AM

I just thought this was a good exercise, so I thought it deserved to be on page 1, and not page 15

#22 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 22 June 2001 - 05:57 PM

This is an awesome excercise. Here is my attempt:

1) It was really my fault because I was nervous and did not follow my instincts.

2) It was really my fault because I believed him when he told me he loved me.

3) It was really my fault because I didn't get away when I thought I should have.

4) It was really my fault because I should have known what would piss him off anyway.

5) It was really my fault because I forgave him after the first two times (there were 3 assaults in all).

6)It was really my fault because I let him convince me that this was normal.

1) This wasn't really my fault because I was unsure of the signs I was reading, and I was so desperate for some sort of stability that negative stability was better than instability.
2) This wasn't really my fault because he was my first real boyfriend, the one I originally lost my virginity to, and at one point, there was actually love and trust involved in the relationship.
3) This wasn't really my fault because I did not know HOW to get away, I was 17 and scared and had no emotional support system waiting for me and I stayed with what I was comfortable with, and besides, I did not know how he would react to my breaking up with him.
4) This wasn't really my fault because he was a ticking time bomb and different things would piss him off on different days and it really depended on the mood he happened to be in on that given day. It was as if I was walking on eggshells unsure of how to behave anyway, so how could I really know what would set him off.
5) This wasn't really my fault because I am by nature a forgiving and believing person, and I believe in giving people second chances, and it really doesn't matter because I DID get out. :-)
6) This wasn't really my fault because I was so far under his "spell" and I was so emotionally depleted that I was not sure what was or wasn't normal so I believed anything that would justify his actions.

Wow, that was on surface level without looking in too deep, I am sure I could go on and on with this list.

#23 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 18 August 2001 - 11:48 PM

#Moderation Mode

Moved here

#24 Guest_Little Sunshine_*

Group: Guests

Posted 31 August 2001 - 03:06 PM

1. It was my fault because I trusted him.

2. It was my fault because when he asked if he could
sleep in the same bed with me I agreed.

3. It was my fault because I kissed him back.

4. It was my fault because I let him touch me.

5. It was my fault because I did not fight back.

And here are reasons why it was not my fault...

1. It wasn't my fault because I made it clear about not
having sex before marriage.

2. It wasn't my fault because I said no.

3. It wasn't my fault because I experienced disassociation,
making it unable for me to fight back.

Thanks for starting this thread.

#25 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 29 November 2001 - 10:48 PM

1. It was really my fault because
I forgot to lock my door that night.
2. It was really my fault because
I was too scared to say no to him.
3. It was really my fault because
I let him in my house
4. It was really my fault because
I should have stood up to him
5. It was really my fault because
I could have fought harder
6. It was really my fault because
I thought I deserved it

1. It wasn't my fault because
I couldn't stop him
2. It wasn't my fault because
I never asked him to
3. It wasn't my fault because
Who in their right mind would expect someone to walk in their front door @ 4:30 am just because the door was locked?
4. It wasn't my fault because
I didn't like getting thrown around my house
5. It wasn't my fault because
I couldn't control him-because I survived
6. It wasn't my fault because
No one deserves that

#26 Guest_lea_*

Group: Guests

Posted 05 August 2002 - 10:34 PM

It was really my fault because I didn't scream.
It was really my fault because I shouldn't have lied.
It was really my fault because I shouldn't have had a boyfriend.
It was really my fault because I shouldn't have got a love-bite.
It was really my fault because I should have done as I was told.

It isn't my fault because I shouldn't have had to scream, I told him to leave me alone.
It isn't my fault because 13 yr old girls do lie, I didn't deserve to be s.abused as a punishment.
It isn't my fault because 13 yr old girls do have boyfriends, I didn't deserve to be s.abused as punishment.
It isn't my fault because getting a love-bite is not wrong, & I didn't deserve to be s.abused as a punishment.
It isn't my fault because I do not deserved to be s.abused as punishment for disobeying him. No-one can do anything to deserve s.abuse.

((((((Lis)))))) ((((((Thank you))))))) Love Lea. :)

#27 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 03 October 2002 - 05:23 PM

It was really my fault because he would not have raped me if I had not kissed him.
It was really my fault because I allowed him to sleep in the same bed as me.
It was really my fault because I did not stop him when he touched me.
It was really my fault because my Dad says so.
It was really my fault because my mother was raped too when she was younger.
It was really my fault because I did not tell.
It was really my fault because I did not scream/kick/fight.
It was really my fault because I lied to myself and everyone else about it.
It was really my fault because I had a conversation with him afterwards.
It was really my fault because I had flirted with him on two previous occasions.
It was really my fault because I got drunk and I can't remember the details. What if I'm making mistakes?
It was really my fault because I accepted his cannabis and if I hadn't been drinking I would have been more wary of him.

It was his fault, not mine, because he was 27 and I was only 16. He should not have taken advantage of my naivety and trust.
It was his fault, not mine, because I never told him he could have sex with me.
It was his fault, not mine, because I was scared and shocked, he must have seen this on my face.
It was his fault, not mine, because he left me in massive amounts of pain and I did not ask for that.
It was his fault, not mine, because he bought me alcohol and gave me his cannabis, which I had never smoked before, to put me in a state where he could use me.
It was his fault, not mine, because he knew exactly what he was doing, that is why he snook off so early.
It was his fault, not mine, because he violated me and I said no in the only way I could at that precise moment.
It was his fault, not mine, because no matter what else people may believe I should have said or done, he still raped me and he had no right.
It was his fault, not mine, because I did the very best I could to get through it.
It was his fault, not mine, because I couldn't shout or tell. He was supposed to be a friend of the family. A friend of my friend. A nice guy. I couldn't shout because I was so shocked. I couldn't tell because I was in my friend's house. I couldn't tell because my best friend was metres away in the next bed and I knew it would kill her.
It was his fault, not mine, because if it wasn't rape why would I be in so much emotional pain three years later.
It was his fault, not mine, because if it wasn't rape why would it be on constant replay in my mind three years later.
It was not my fault that I couldn't tell, because I knew exactly what reaction I'd get from my Dad.
It was not my mother's fault she was raped either. It is always the rapist's fault.
It was not my fault I repressed the memories and immediately denied it to myself because it was the only way I could cope at that time. I had no-one to support me.

Thankyou so very much for that exercise. This is my first post and its a bit scary. I have been struggling so much recently with self-blame, it has been such an eye opener to write it all out and apply some logic to my feelings. I just have to keep reminding myself of reasons why it's not my fault. Thank you so much for that exercise. Sorry I've took up so much space. I don't know where all that came from. I think it was screaming to get out.

#28 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 28 November 2002 - 01:05 AM

********T********
Wow! It's really amazing, i looked through this book when i was volunteering at a Safehouse. (I had come out as a survivor of c.a. but was still minimising all my s.a.'s)
Now that i see this again, i want to go get the book again...
Anyway, for my own safety, i've done these as pairs instead of building up the faults & back down the nots.

It was really my fault, because i should have known from the ad.
It was NOT my fault, because "open-minded" does NOT mean "rapable"

It was really my fault, because i've always been too needy.
It is NOT my fault that predators pick out the weak. (Besides, i'm noe weak now, and i'm still needy...)*

It was really my fault, because i misbehaved, and deserved punishment.
It was NOT my fault, because pain is never appropriate as punishment.

*& it's not even my fault i'm needy!!!!!

I still find it easier to believe the faults...i'll have to memorise the nots, i never think them, but the faults keep flying by like banners behind little airplanes...

Thanks.

#29 mouseisa

Sweet Whispers

Group: Member
Posts: 678
Joined: 06-May 02

Posted 06 January 2003 - 06:14 PM

(((((Francesca)))))

I haven't done the assignment either, but why not write down the reasons why it was your fault and then pretend you telling someone else why it wasn't "their" fault...

If that doesn't help, pm the reasons why you think it's your fault to me and I'll tell you why it wasn't, but you have to promise to actually really read it and not reject and object to what I say... :)

Luv,
Mouseisa

#30 Guest__*

Group: Guests

Posted 14 February 2003 - 02:51 PM

ok here it is.......

1) it was my fult because i didnt fight enough
2) it was my fult cuze i had my short shorts on
3) it was my fult cuze i was the one who chose to run on that path
4) it was my fult cuze i went running alone
5) it was my fult just because

1) it really wasnt my fult because i didnt ask for it
2) it really wasnt my fult because i didnt fight back because he had a knife
3) it really wasnt my fult becuase i didnt know it was going to happen
4) it wasnt my fult because i didnt do anything to deserve it
5) it isnt my fuld just because